Sucker
Copyright November 24, 2002-May 28, 2007 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex
Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Continued from part eighty-nine
“I’d better head out to the airport,” Howie said. “You’ll go see Erik before you leave?”
“Yeah,” JC said, nodding. “Did you want me to tell him anything specific?”
“Our hotel and room numbers,” Howie said, grinning. “I don’t trust him to remember from before.”
“Good point,” JC said. Maybe he could accidentally direct Erik to the wrong hotel. “Before you go, there’s something that I wanted to give back to you.”
“Back to me?” Howie asked, speculation in his eyes.
“A couple of things that I held for…safekeeping,” JC said, handing him a box. “It doesn’t really compare to everything that you’ve given to me, but I wanted you to have them. And wear them,” he added.
Howie opened the box, uncovering his ring and watch, the ones that he’d hurled to the floor. Looking to JC, he asked, “You kept them?”
“The ring was a gift,” JC said. “A gift from someone who must have cared about you very much. I didn’t want you to lose it.”
“Thank you.” Sliding a hand to the back of JC’s neck, Howie kissed him. “Thank you,” he repeated, gazing into JC’s eyes.
“I want you to wear them,” JC said, to be sure that Howie knew that he meant it. “You always had them on, before, and that shouldn’t change.”
“I don’t know,” Howie said, giving him a hesitant smile. “They don’t look a little…fancy?”
“Erik says that it’s important to wear expensive things,” JC said, taking the watch and fastening it around Howie’s wrist, “so you can show that you can take care of your significant other.”
“This was a gift,” Howie said. “It doesn’t show anything, except that I have rich friends.”
“Well, Erik also thinks that it’s good to wear bling,” JC said with a smile.
“If Erik thinks so, it must be true,” Howie said, sliding on the ring. “I’ll see you in Vegas?”
“I’ll see you in Vegas,” JC agreed, kissing him.
After another few kisses, Howie picked up his bag. “Have a good flight. And,” he kissed JC again, then smiled, “give Erik the right directions.”
Then, letting his dick slide out wetly, Nick looked up and asked, “You ready?” He was, so he said, “Yeah,” and Nick got up, laying down matter-of-factly on the bed. He got on top, and when he did, he noticed… “What is that?”
“What do you think it is?” Nick asked. “I don’t trust you to stretch me right and not just go in and tear something.”
“I know what I’m doing,” Joey said. “I’ve never hurt AJ or Ashley.”
“You hurt AJ all of the damned time, and you hurt Ashley,” Nick said. “It’s just that AJ gets off on it and Ashley’s too nice to say anything.” Reaching down, he slipped the buttplug out, tossing it aside. “Come on, I don’t have all day.”
Deciding to go ahead and get it over with before Nick could say anything else stupid, Joey lubed himself up, jacking himself to stiffen his erection a little more. Then, as Nick’s legs rose around him, he pushed in.
It felt good.
Closing his eyes, thinking about AJ, thinking about Ashley, thinking about showgirls, he thrust for a while, and then he came. After pausing for a second to center himself, he opened his eyes, backing off.
“Great,” Nick said. “Feel closer?”
“No.” Getting up, he put his clothes back on. “See you in Vegas.”
Besides, he was going out in public with Howie and JC; he didn’t want to embarrass them.
He shoved all of his new purchases into his bag. He wouldn’t have a chance to wear even half of them, but he wanted to be ready.
Hearing the doorbell ring, he ignored it, carefully tucking something in a corner of his bag, wrapped in a shirt for safekeeping. What else did he need? Underwear, he’d forgotten underwear. Rummaging through his dresser, he cursed. He’d worn all of the good stuff for Howie and JC; his few remaining choices were ugly and falling apart. “Damn it.”
“Is this a bad time?”
Erik whirled around, dropping a handful of old briefs. “Whoa. Hi,” he said, finding his voice, happily stunned to see JC posed in his doorway. Simply seeing JC made his blood run faster.
“I wanted to stop in and say good-bye,” JC said, giving him a private smile.
“Yeah, right,” Erik said, gathering his brain cells together. JC was in his room. He remembered JC falling asleep on his bed. He remembered fucking JC on Ashley’s bed. “You, uh,” damn, he couldn’t stop picturing JC naked and it was screwing with his ability to speak.
“I wanted to drop this off before I go,” JC said, a slip of paper appearing in his hand. Erik reached for it, and JC passed it over with a quick little hand squeeze. “You should have a good time this weekend.”
Directions and room numbers. Erik grinned at him. “I will.”
JC smiled back. “I’ll see you later. Have a good trip.”
“Yeah,” Erik said. “Wait, I’ll walk you out.” Tucking the scrap of paper into his pocket, he walked down the stairs and to the front door. “It sucks that you and Howie have to pay for two separate rooms.”
“They don’t charge us much,” JC said.
Erik wondered when he’d be famous enough to get the celebrity discount. “Guess I’ll see you later.”
JC smiled at him. “Later.”
On the way, he called Lance, who was pissed about the meeting but was otherwise okay, and then Chris, who sounded very happy but really damned spacey.
He wondered if Chris might be high. After a few minutes, he went ahead and asked.
“Oh, no,” Chris said. “Brian wouldn’t like that.”
If Brian wouldn’t like it, then it was a sure bet that Chris wouldn’t do it.
He’d talked to Lance and Chris; he was going with JC. That left Justin, but Joey had seen enough of him last night.
Walking up to the Townhouse, he rang the bell.
The door opened.
Sonic Boom.
AJ was sprawled carelessly beside him, wearing only black boxer-briefs, nearly naked and muscular and tattooed and marked by stray scratches, dark love bites, signs of Joey’s visit. He regarded Justin with bored speculation, then asked, “How’s Daniel?”
“Fine.” Dan was such a good thing in his life, Justin didn’t want AJ anywhere near him. But he’d get in trouble if he didn’t at least offer some information. “He’s worried about me. He wanted to come and get me, but I begged him not to. He doesn’t know what to believe anymore, and he didn’t know whether to trust me or not, so you all can feel really good about yourselves for that.”
“How were things when you hung up?” AJ asked. “Does he believe you?”
“We didn’t hang up, the battery died,” Justin muttered. “He believes me, but it’s not like it was. It used to be one hundred percent, but now it’s at ninety, and if you guys fuck with him more, it’ll just keep going down.”
“Good.”
Justin chipped polish off of his fingernails, waiting to be dismissed.
“What else?” AJ asked. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“He loves me,” Justin said, still looking down. There was something else, something that bothered him, something he wanted to figure out. He didn’t want to talk to AJ about it; he wanted to talk to the guys, to Chris or JC, but he didn’t have access to them. AJ was the only one available.
“Are you going to make me drag it out of you, or are you going to tell me?” AJ asked.
To stall, Justin said, “You know why he doesn’t believe me? Because what I say doesn’t make sense. Because my stories don’t match. Because I’m talking about Kevin and about you, and you act like three different people anyway, and I sound like I’m lying to him. I sound like I’m making shit up. He’s suspicious now, he’s trying to figure things out and none of it matches.”
“I’m three different people?” AJ asked. “You’re ten, and they’re all batshit crazy. What aren’t you telling me?”
Justin picked blue flakes off of his thumbnail. “I told him things.”
“Told him what things?” AJ asked with immediate suspicion.
“I told him things that I don’t tell people. I told him about some of the things that Kevin did to me. Only two of them, I had more, I had so many more, but he stopped me, he cut me off.”
“You told him about specific things?” AJ asked, curious now.
He didn’t want to see the speculative, interested expression that matched that tone, so he didn’t look. “Only two of them, but I never tell, I don’t tell, I’ve barely said anything to the guys. I don’t know why I told Dan, I don’t-”
“Because you trust him,” AJ said.
“I trust the guys,” Justin argued.
“In a different way,” AJ said.
“I’m so scared of anyone finding out, I’m so terrified of anyone knowing what I’ve done, and I told him,” Justin said, drawing his legs up, making himself smaller. “I need him to love me, I need him to believe in me, I can’t lose him, but I told him.” It scared him, how much he’d said last night, how much more he’d wanted to say.
“You trust him,” AJ said quietly; he felt AJ’s gaze on him, studying him. “You think that even if he knows everything, he’ll still rescue you.”
“No one would,” Justin said. “Nobody would help me. If they knew what I’ve done, if they knew what I…” Squeezing his eyes shut, he sucked in a shuddering breath, pushing memories away. “Nobody, not even him.”
“Not even your precious friends?” AJ asked.
“They wouldn’t respect me anymore,” Justin said. “They wouldn’t love me anymore. Not if they really knew.”
“I know,” AJ said. “I know what you did for Kevin, and I know what Lance did for Howie, and I sure as hell know what Joey did for me. You think I was surprised that Nick drowned JC and JC went home with him that night? I was surprised that JC didn’t give it up right there on the deck. JC loves Nick so much he’s willing to overlook the fact that, for all intents and purposes, Nick killed him. And you think that a little whipping is extreme?”
Justin’s hands curled into scared, angry fists. “Can I go to my room?”
“Tell me what you told Dan.”
Taking a deep breath, Justin did it, just to get it over with, just so AJ would let him go. Saying the words out loud terrified him, but AJ already knew what he’d done. He tried to talk without hearing himself. “I told him that I was locked naked in a janitor’s closet with my hands cuffed to my balls and a plug up my ass. I told him that I was bound and gagged and ‘whore’ was painted all over my body and there were pictures taken of it.”
“That’s it?” AJ asked. “You didn’t tell him how long you were in the closet, or where it was?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“You didn’t tell him what happened with the pictures?”
He shuddered. “No.”
“What’d he say?”
“He wanted to come and get me.”
“You must’ve done some quick talking to get him to stay put.”
“I couldn’t risk it.”
“Good for you.”
Justin’s voice was a whisper. “I hate you.”
“Works for me. Come here, you need some quality time. I’ll let you hide in your room later, but I don’t want you spending too much time alone. You’ll get lost in your head and end up drooling on yourself.” Picking up the remote, AJ turned on the stereo, playing some soft, easy jazz. “Come here.”
He didn’t want to, but his body did, and he burrowed into AJ’s embrace, resting on AJ’s body, curling in and closing his eyes.
“He still loves you,” AJ said, musing, slipping a hand under his shirt to stroke his back. He felt his muscles loosen under AJ’s touch. “I like that.”
So did Justin.
“Feel better?” AJ asked.
He did. The music caressed him, washed him; AJ’s touch soothed him, centered him. AJ tugged up his shirt and he felt AJ’s stomach against his, warm skin against his own exposed flesh, and it felt good. “I wish you knew how to make love.”
“You think I don’t?”
He snorted.
AJ laughed.
“Do you not want me to go?” he asked. He wanted to go, to get away from Brian and the house; he needed to go, to be with Joey. But something was wrong, and Joey was really distant. “If you don’t want me to go, I can, I mean, I don’t have to go. If you don’t want me to.”
“What?” Joey stared at him in confusion; for a moment, he thought that he’d actually have to repeat all of that. Then Joey blinked, expression clearing, and reached for him, pulling him nearer. “Pretty, you can’t stay here. You’re coming with me. So I can show you Vegas, show you off, show you a good time.”
“Are you sure?”
There was an impatient flicker in Joey’s expression. “Yes.” Sighing, Joey stepped back, rubbing his hand over his face. “I’m not having a good morning, and last night, damn it,” Joey snapped, grabbing his phone as it rang. “What do you want?” he demanded. Groaning, he grimaced. “No, I didn’t - - yes, I - - no, I’m on my way. I’m on my way! No, I’m not, I swear to - - yes, I - - yes, yes, I know, we can talk about that later. Nick, I don’t - - Nick!” Giving up, Joey closed his eyes, listening.
Hugging himself, Ashley watched, waiting.
“I’m sorry,” Joey said, quietly and very deliberately. “All right? Do you feel better now? Good. You’re welcome. Is that it?” Whatever Nick’s answer was, it made Joey wince. “I have that, I had that, I wrote it down, I - - yes, I did, I - - of course I did, what the hell, I’m your boyfriend.” He rolled his eyes. Then he grinned. “Yeah, I asked JC. He gave me a list, but I left it, I don’t know, somewhere. You want me to - - okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I love you, too. Bye.” He hung up. “Glad he took that well.”
“Everything’s okay?” Ashley asked.
“Yeah, it’s…” Joey sighed, tugging him closer. “What are you doing standing four yards away from me, looking all worried? Don’t worry about Nick, and don’t,” Joey emphasized, giving him a look, “worry about Brian. You just meet me in Vegas and we’ll have a great time. We’ll win money and get drunk and fuck like crazy.”
“Make love,” Ashley corrected him with a grin.
“Make love,” Joey agreed, kissing him. “I have to go. When I see you later today, you’d better be ready to party.”
“I’ll be ready,” Ashley said, stealing another kiss. “Love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Hey, baby, we just got here and we’re about to head over to the hotel. Joey said that you had a list of songs for me.”
Nick. “I love your album,” JC said, ducking into a corner, removing himself from the flow of people. “I can’t wait to see you perform, I can’t wait to see you up onstage again.”
Laughter; the sound of Nick happy made JC smile. “I can’t wait, either,” Nick said. “What do you think I should sing up there?”
The list rolled off of his tongue. “‘Help Me,’” he said. “‘I Got You,’ ‘Who Needs the World,’ ‘My Confession,’ ‘Heart without a Home,’ ‘I Stand for You,’ ‘I Just Wanna Take You Home,’ and ‘Do I Have to Cry for You.’”
“Yeah?” Nick asked, approving, testing.
He put a finger to his other ear to block out extraneous noise of airport announcements and other people’s conversation. “You might want to try ‘Blow Your Mind’ instead of ‘I Stand for You.’”
“I like that,” Nick said. “That’s a pretty good set, I might do that. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” JC said. “Any time.”
“I can’t wait to get out there on that stage,” Nick said. “It’s still weird as hell to do a whole show by myself, it freaks me out to walk out there alone. But I miss it when I’m away from it.”
“You’ll be terrific,” JC said. “You’re such a generous performer.”
“Look who’s talking,” Nick said, laughing. “Man, I wish I could get you up there.”
Embarrassed by the compliment, JC said, “You’re going to be the best one in the whole show.”
“I’m performing last, so I’d better make it work,” Nick said. “Where are you, the airport?”
“Yeah,” JC said.
“You did check in and shit, didn’t you?”
“I’m about to,” JC said, checking the time.
“Hell, JC, learn when to hang up the phone,” Nick said. “Get your ass in line before you miss your flight. I’ll see you later today, we’ll be around each other all weekend, we can talk then.”
“I can’t wait,” JC said honestly.
“Say good-bye, JC,” Nick said, laughing.
“Good-bye,” JC said, smiling.
“Bye, baby.”
Still gently smiling, JC hung up.
The door opened. “Hey,” Trevor said with a smile. “You look great.”
“Simple and quick,” he said. Kevin had fixed his hair for him.
“Simple and quick?” Trevor repeated. “Are you coming in or staying out there?”
He wanted to go home. “Let’s go out tonight,” he said, stepping into the house. “We can hit some clubs, hang at my place, have good sweaty sex, it’ll be a blast.”
“It sounds great,” Trevor agreed. “Especially that last part.”
“Great,” Chris said. “Let’s take Dan with us.”
“I don’t want to have sex with Dan,” Trevor said.
“You don’t have to be rude about it,” Chris said. “We could still take him to the club.”
“Let’s ask him,” Trevor said, leading the way. “He’s been in the practice room all morning.”
“Where’s old what’s-his-face?” Chris asked.
“Erik and Ashley are in L.A.,” Trevor said. “Jacob’s probably at Brian’s house.”
“That’s nice,” Chris said. He followed Trevor into the practice room, where Dan was dancing in front of the mirrors. Simple and quick.
“Hey,” Trevor said, as the song ended.
“Hey,” Dan said, noticing them, wiping sweat from his face. Catching his breath, he turned off the music. “What’s up?”
“You want to go out tonight?” Trevor asked. “Chris and I are going out to tear things up.”
“Tear shit up, absolutely,” Chris said. “It’ll be way torn. Super torn. Practically in tatters.”
“In ruins, right,” Trevor agreed. Chris smiled.
“Thanks,” Dan said. “I’d love to run around town tearing things up with you, but I think I’ll stay in tonight.”
“You always stay home,” Trevor said. “It’s a miracle when you leave the house. You need to get out and have some fun.”
“Sorry,” Dan said. “Maybe another night.”
“You can bring your phone with you,” Trevor said. “If anyone calls, it’ll be right there.”
“Sorry,” Dan said again. “Not tonight. Erik and Ashley are out, Jacob’s with Brian, you’ll be out with Chris, I can stay home and have the TV all to myself and vacuum naked.”
“Sounds like a party,” Chris said. He wanted Dan to come with him, but Kevin had been right; Dan wasn’t going to budge. “I wish that you’d come with us. I think you’d be happier with us than staying here.”
Dan grinned at him. “You’ve never vacuumed naked.”
“We’ll have to try that tonight,” Chris told Trevor. “Let’s add it to the list, after the clubs but before the sex.”
“We’re not adding anything to the list before the sex,” Trevor said. “Anything new comes after the sex. Nothing comes between me and sex.”
“We can’t vacuum after sex,” Chris argued, walking out of the room with him. “After sex we have to cuddle. You’re very snuggly and I enjoy that about you.”
“Thanks,” Trevor said with a grin. “It’s nice to have someone appreciate my work.”
He made Jacob talk to him, play the guitar for him, sing for him. He fed Jacob, petted him, kissed him. He watched everything that Jacob did, memorized every word, captured the feel of him on adoring fingertips.
Jacob was his everything. Jacob’s blue eyes were his sky. Jacob’s laughter was his sunlight. Jacob’s kiss was his air. A softly whispered, “I love you,” was all that his heart beat to.
The flight didn’t take long; it was only half as much time as JC spent in front of the mirror afterwards arranging every single strand of hair. During the ride to the hotel, JC rubbed his chin and muttered.
“You don’t need to shave to say hello,” Joey said. “Stubble doesn’t grow that fast.”
For a moment, JC looked stricken; he pulled at his own collar and looked at his chest.
“Oh, hell, be a man,” Joey said, pushing JC’s hand down. “I have more hair on my ass than he has on his-”
JC coughed. “Joey!” he said, glancing nervously at the driver.
“If he wants men, he’ll learn to understand that body hair’s part of the deal,” Joey said. “If he can’t handle that, then he doesn’t want men, he wants plastic Ken dolls, and he needs to grow up.”
“I don’t mind shaving,” JC said.
“Everything?” Joey asked, not believing that for a second.
Shrugging a little, JC blushed, averting his gaze. “It itches when it grows back in.”
“Great,” Joey said. “That’s a place you want to have to scratch in public.”
Simple, quick, and horrifyingly familiar. Chris had recognized the pills on sight. He knew exactly what the powder in his pocket tasted like. At least Kevin hadn’t made him crush the pills himself; the idea of it made his vision blur.
Chris kept Trevor at the Townhouse for as long as he could. Trevor decided to have pizza for lunch, and Chris distracted him from calling for a while, first with videogames and then with kisses and then with oral sex, and finally by launching into a huge, in-depth debate on pizza toppings, but eventually Trevor placed the order.
While they waited for the pizza to arrive, Chris made milkshakes.
While Trevor went to get the pizza, Chris took the small packet from his pocket.
While Trevor went to get Dan, Chris stirred one milkshake particularly well, taking deep breaths and blotting sweat from his brow. “Simple and quick,” he reminded himself, “simple and quick.”
“What do you keep muttering about?” Trevor asked him.
“Hard to say,” Chris said, handing him a glass. “I’m probably going crazy.”
AJ hung up. “I have to go. I’m going to drop you off at your house. Brian’s busy, Kevin’s not wasting time on you, you don’t want to see Lance, Chris doesn’t want to see you, Dan’s out of the picture, Jacob’s with Brian, and everyone else is out of town.”
“I can stay by myself,” Justin said. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not leaving you alone,” AJ said. “I have to pick up some supplies. We’re bugging the Townhouse tonight.”
“Tonight?” Really? Already? He’d get to see Kevin! “I’ll go with you to get supplies, I’ll help you shop.” He wanted to be helpful, so that Kevin would see that he was trying to contribute.
“I’m not going to be seen with you in public more than I have to,” AJ said. “There’s already enough of that going around.”
“Can I go in Dan’s room?”
“Yes,” AJ said. “With supervision.”
Kevin and Dan, all in one night. His heart pounded eagerly. “Thank you, AJ.”
“You’re welcome. Get up, I have to get dressed.”
“Who’s staying with me?” Justin asked, sitting back.
AJ got up, turning off the music. “Trevor.”
The noise that came out of Justin hurt his throat. “No!” he protested, grabbing AJ’s arm and yanking AJ back. “No, no, I’m not, he’s not, you’re not leaving me alone with him!” he shouted, on his feet now. “That motherfucker is not setting one goddamned foot in my house!”
“Everyone else is busy,” AJ said, pulling his arm free.
“You leave me alone with him and I’ll fucking shred him,” Justin warned. “I’ll take the motherfucker apart, limb by limb.”
“You won’t fucking touch him,” AJ ordered, eyes flashing dangerously.
“If he brings that car anywhere near my driveway, I’ll set the goddamned thing on fire,” Justin threatened. “You’d better not let him near my house.”
“I’m not leaving you alone,” AJ said.
“What about Chris?” Justin demanded. “Why can’t he stay with me?”
“Because Brian told Chris that he gave you head, and now Chris doesn’t want to be near you.”
Reeling, Justin jerked back, staring at AJ in shocked disbelief. No. There was no way. No, no. “No.”
“Yes,” AJ said. “We’re not leaving the two of you alone together, not right now.”
“But last night… At the meeting… He was fine, he-”
“He was high on Brian,” AJ said. “When it’s just the two of you, alone, he’ll lose it, and we’re not risking that. Especially not when he’s the one taking Trevor out tonight so we can get in the house.”
God, Chris, “I have to talk to him.” Wait, wait, wait, “AJ.” Justin put his hand on AJ’s arm to center himself, pushing through his own scattered thoughts. “Brian told Chris? What did he say? Did he say why? Did he tell him why?”
“He made it sound like it was your idea to show up on his doorstep offering yourself and talking about love.”
“Why the hell would I do that?!”
AJ shrugged. “You think Chris doesn’t think Brian’s so magical, that people acting like that is a normal occurrence? Chris thinks there should be daily pilgrimages to Brian’s front door.”
“I’d never do that! I’d never just throw myself at Brian like that, and I’d never betray Chris like that!”
AJ wasn’t impressed. “But you did.”
“Because I had to!” Justin exclaimed. “You made me! Kevin made me!”
“Poor innocent you,” AJ said. “Can I get dressed?”
God damn it! “You can’t leave me alone with Trevor!”
“I can’t leave you alone,” AJ corrected.
“Yes, you can,” Justin argued desperately. “It won’t even be that long, just a few hours, right? You already confiscated all of my phones. You can take all of the car keys, too. You can lock me up somewhere, if you have to, you can chain me up if you want, just don’t leave me alone with him.”
AJ laughed, which was infuriating. “You’re volunteering to be tied up?”
“You can’t leave me alone with him,” Justin said. “It doesn’t even make sense, what are you going to tell him, I need a baby-sitter?”
“Chris is going to have some flimsy excuse, Trevor’s going to be so excited and star struck he won’t put a lot of thought into it, and you’ll be so charming that he’ll be too in love to ask questions.”
“Charming?!” Justin demanded. “You expect me to be charming?! What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“If I leave you alone, you’ll lose it,” AJ said. “All you’ll do is go inside your head and pick at your memories and think about Dan and think about Kevin and spin around in circles until I come back and find you setting things on fire or chewing on your own limbs or running naked through the neighborhood.”
“Handcuff me,” Justin said desperately.
“I don’t trust you,” AJ said. “You’re not stable. I’ll come back and find you smearing your own feces on the wall, talking in some made-up language and thinking you’re a five-year-old girl named Sally. No.”
“I’m not actually crazy,” Justin said. “I can do it, I can handle it, I’ve been tied up before, I can get through it. Especially if it’s you, if you’re just going to come back and untie me and take me to bug the Townhouse. I can do it, I can, I’ll be fine, I swear on Kevin.” He had to explain it right, he had to get it across. “When I found that motherfucker’s car at Kevin’s house, I wanted to torch it, I wanted to set the goddamned thing on fire. I can play the game, I can do it, but I can’t keep it up if I’m alone with him in my own house for more than two minutes. I’ll lose it, I’ll throw the game, I’ll fuck up, I know it, I’ll warn him to stay away from Kevin, I’ll tell him about me and Kevin, I’ll ruin everything.”
AJ was looking speculative again.
“I’ll fuck everything up,” Justin said, desperately driving the point home, needing AJ to understand. “I’ll tell him about what it’s like when Kevin fucks me. I’ll tell him about Chris and Brian. I’ll do everything I can to rip apart his world.”
“And if I leave you alone?” AJ asked.
“I can take being tied up if you’re nice about it,” Justin said. “If I know that you’re going to come back and let me go and not, not, not…do things.” He twisted his bracelets. “Please.”
“You’d have to trust me,” AJ said, studying him.
Yes, but, “Just for one afternoon, just for this.”
Taking a slow breath, AJ nodded. “All right. You can have your way, this time. But being fucked up isn’t going to get you out of everything.”
His relief was so great, Justin sagged back on the couch. Looking up gratefully, he said, “Thank you, AJ.”
AJ’s expression was intense. “You’d better keep your shit together.”
Chris’s stomach would have preferred to rebel, but he made himself finish his milkshake.
As soon as the food was gone, and Dan’s glass was empty, Chris set things in motion. He managed to get Trevor dressed and out of the house without making it seem like he was in a hurry, which was amazing, given his general inability to be subtle. They went to his house, where he changed, and while he was there, he placed a discreet call to his overlord. Then he hugged Trevor.
“Do you want to stay here?” Trevor asked, when he didn’t let go.
He wouldn’t have minded staying, frankly; Trevor’s embrace felt particularly nice. “We should go out,” he said, making no effort to unwrap his arms from the most comforting thing available. “Dancing, alcohol, pretty girls, woo-hoo.” He closed his eyes. “You smell nice.”
“We can go out if you want to,” Trevor said. “Or we can stay here.”
He didn’t know why Trevor put up with him. He didn’t know why Trevor tolerated what a crappy, crappy non-boyfriend he was. “Let’s do what you want to do.”
“Where can we go that you’d like?” Trevor asked.
Brian’s house. Kevin’s house. Chris thought about it, running his fingers over Trevor’s shoulder blade. “Do you know how to ice skate?”
“You’ve been chained to a bed before,” AJ said, “and those aren’t good memories. Where’s somewhere you haven’t been handcuffed, so you won’t have any other associations?”
Baffled, Justin thought about it. Bedrooms, closets, and bathrooms were out. The weight room was out. The kitchen was out. “The living room?” he suggested. Oh, wait, no, that one time probably counted. “The hallway?”
“What the hell am I supposed to cuff you to in the hallway?” AJ asked, but they went to inspect their options. In the hall upstairs, there was a solid, ornate, iron table. “It’s not exactly immovable,” AJ said, testing it.
“It’s heavy,” Justin said.
“If I put you here, I’m going to have to restrain you more than I planned,” AJ said. He opened one of the bedroom doors, testing the knob. “It could work, though.”
“Do what you have to do.” Anything would be better than throwing the game and facing Kevin’s wrath.
“Okay,” AJ said, nodding like he’d made a decision. “Lay down on your side, hands behind your back.”
Despite his own determination, Justin hesitated. He’d been cuffed too many times; the trauma of it wouldn’t leave him. What if AJ decided to take advantage of the opportunity? What if AJ decided to hurt him, humiliate him, use him?
“I’m not here to make this hard on you,” AJ said. “I want you sane, not traumatized. I spring too much shit on you for the game to risk doing it for my own fun. I know what you can take and what you can’t.”
Wanting to believe that, Justin eyed the box in AJ’s hand, the box AJ had brought from home. It was shaped like a toolbox, red with a black handle. He wondered if Joey knew that box, how well Joey knew that box.
“How can I make this easier?” AJ asked. “I can turn on music, I can turn on the TV in one of these rooms, I can get you a pillow. I can gag you, if that makes it easier.”
“No,” Justin said quickly. That did make it easier, sometimes, but not for this. He touched his mouth, remembering, and, no. Not today. “Music would be good.”
“Get whatever you need,” AJ said. “I’ll turn on some music.”
Justin started for the bathroom; experience had taught him to empty his bladder. He got a few pillows and then frowned, thinking. He wanted something to hold in his hands, but what? Something centering, something grounding. Damn it, he needed his bracelet.
Slow, calming R&B. Quiet, soothing, melodic. AJ came back to the hallway. “Ready?”
He didn’t have anything of Dan’s anymore. Anything associated with Kevin might throw him into a tailspin. That left one person. “Can I borrow your sunglasses?”
“You want to wear them?” AJ asked.
“I want to hold them. I won’t break them,” he added.
Shrugging, AJ took them from his pocket and handed them over.
AJ really was being nice to him. “Thank you, AJ.” With a calming breath, Justin lay on the hallway floor, on his side, the pillows under his head. His hands behind his back, he reminded himself that even if AJ did something to him, even if AJ tried to hurt him, he’d survived before and he’d get through it again. AJ couldn’t do anything worse than Kevin had.
AJ set the box down in front of him, which was oddly reassuring; he felt better watching, knowing what was coming. Undoing the latch, AJ opened the box, reaching inside.
Justin stared. “Where’d you get all of that?” There was no chance that Joey didn’t know about this box.
“Around.” AJ selected a pair of cuffs. “You’re not going to like this, but it’ll be easier if you concentrate on your breathing.”
Justin did as suggested, focusing on his own breaths, inhaling and exhaling in slow rhythm with the music. His wrists were cuffed behind his back, the handcuffs padded to prevent marks. His ankles were cuffed together; his knees bent and his feet drawn up behind him, his ankles were chained to his wrists. That chain was then linked to the heavy iron table and to the handle of the door behind him. AJ used the inner knob, inside the room, then wedged the door shut.
He was bound, and he was helpless. Justin breathed through it, refusing to panic. He’d be okay. He’d be okay. He’d get through it. Oh, god, he was going to scream, he was going to scream, he couldn’t-
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” AJ said, and when he saw what was coming out of the box his gut rebelled, but when the small plug slid between his lips he accepted it eagerly, gratefully, licking at it and testing it with his teeth as AJ buckled the straps behind his head. Breathing hard through his nose, he tested his bonds, sucking on the plug. He couldn’t get free, he was completely restrained. With the ability to scream effectively taken away from him, the urge to scream faded, too, and his panic receded.
He’d said that he didn’t want to be gagged, but he was glad that AJ knew better. If he had to be tied up, at least it was being done by a professional.
“I’ll be back,” AJ said, stroking his cheek along the line of the gag.
He nodded, watching AJ, wary and trusting at the same time.
“I’ll make sure that the doors are locked,” AJ said, fingers skimming over his hair. “When I come back we can go dancing.”
Yes. That would be good. After being trapped in his own body, it would be a relief to be taken back out of it.
AJ kissed his cheek. “Close your eyes and keep breathing. I’ll be back before you open them again.”
He closed his eyes.
He heard AJ leave.
The music was seductively, deceptively gentle. It sounded like lovemaking.
Kevin made love to him sometimes. Yesterday.
AJ was incapable of it.
He was sure that Dan knew how to make love. Not with Kevin’s skill, but with real love behind it. And wasn’t that what made the difference?
Shifting his knees to get more comfortable, head pillowed, Justin breathed, deliberately relaxing, sucking a little on the plug in his mouth.
What was making love? Just another term for sex? A specific kind of sex, with love and emotion and tenderness? Did it have to be romantic? If Joey loved AJ, wasn’t any sex between them making love, even if it was forceful and aggressive? If Kevin had sex with him slowly and gently, but still hated him, what was that?
People who loved Justin didn’t want him. People who had sex with him hated him.
Had Justin ever really made love?
He turned AJ’s sunglasses over in his hands, learning them through touch, breathing evenly.