Sucker
Copyright
Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex
Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Continued from part eighty-seven
“You’re a terrible liar,” Erik whispered, closing the door. “Let me talk.”
After hesitating, Ashley apparently saw the truth of that. “Okay.”
“Look who’s finally home,” Jacob said, strolling into the foyer. “For someone who just got cut off from two lines of credit, it looks like you spent a lot of money. Didn’t even pawn that fancy bracelet to do it, did you?”
“I’ll pawn this when you pawn those diamonds,” Erik said.
Crossing his arms over his chest, Jacob studied them with suspicion. “You two are best friends again?”
“We’ve always been best friends,” Ashley said. “A fight doesn’t make us not best friends anymore.”
“I thought you took off that bra,” Erik said.
“Shut up,” Ashley said, laughing.
“Should we tell him now?” Erik asked.
“Tell me what?” Jacob asked sharply.
“We’re going to L.A.,” Ashley said.
“We’re leaving tomorrow and we’ll be back on Monday,” Erik said.
“We had to get new clothes so we can travel in style,” Ashley said.
“I see that you’ve picked up great new habits from your new friends,” Jacob said. “Wearing overpriced clothes and flying across the country, to L.A., for no reason, will make you more famous.”
“Exactly,” Erik said. “But there is a reason.” He paused to suck at his slushie, then met Jacob’s eyes and said, “We’re trying to get away from you.”
“We need a break,” Ashley said. “I want to get away from Brian, and Erik wants to relax, so we’re taking a weekend off.”
“Howie and JC are finally back together, and they’re going to Vegas, so I’m taking a break, too,” Erik said. “I might even get laid.”
“Won’t Nick’s boyfriend miss you?” Jacob asked Ashley.
“Nick’s performing in Vegas, so Joey’s going with him,” Ashley said.
“And you know how much play Joey and Nick can get in Vegas,” Erik said. “Ashley can’t go with them, and he can’t sit around here thinking about them, so he’s coming with me.”
“Howie and JC, and Nick and Joey, are going to Vegas,” Jacob said. “The two of you are going to L.A.”
“Our plane leaves tomorrow afternoon,” Erik said.
“I’m going upstairs to pack,” Ashley said. “I got too much and now I don’t know what to take.”
“We would have invited you,” Erik told Jacob, following Ashley up the stairs, “but you’re unpleasant as hell these days and you probably can’t survive that far from Brian, anyway.” As soon as they got upstairs, he went straight into Ashley’s room, shoving the door shut. “I told you not to talk,” he whispered, swinging his bags at Ashley’s legs.
“I got nervous,” Ashley whispered back, looking anxiously at the door. “Do you think that he believed us?”
“Of course not!” Erik whispered. “He knows we’re lying our asses off. But as long as he can’t prove it, we’re safe.”
Dropping his bags, Ashley ran his fingers through his hair. “We have to go through this with Dan and Trevor, too.”
“The good news is, they won’t want to come with us,” Erik said. “Trevor won’t want to leave Chris, and Dan won’t want to abandon Justin. If we tell Trevor about Nick and Joey and JC and Howie going to Vegas, he’ll get excited about that and forget about us.”
“What about Dan?” Ashley asked, worry in his eyes.
“He’ll understand that you want to get away from Brian,” Erik said. “I’ll tell him that you and I talked about it, and I believe you, and I feel bad for acting like a jerk.”
“Do you?” Ashley asked.
Hell, “I don’t know. I didn’t want to, but you’re such a crappy liar, now I don’t know.”
Ashley nodded, looking kicked and wounded but trying to be brave and understanding.
“Look, don’t worry about it,” Erik said. “You’re getting away from Brian for a week, you get to live it up all weekend with Joey in his natural element, it’ll be great. After a couple of three-ways with Joey and a stripper with implants, you won’t even care about any of this.”
“Erik,” Ashley said, “I don’t want to have a three-way with a stripper. I don’t think that I’ll ever have sex with a woman again.”
“It could be a male stripper,” Erik suggested.
“With implants?” Ashley asked, confused.
Erik grinned. “Think about it.”
“Where would…” Ashley’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”
“Have a good time,” Justin said. “Stay as long as you want.”
“Wash your face,” Joey told him, going down the hallway.
“I told you the eyeliner was too much,” Justin said, following AJ to the guest room.
“Stay put,” AJ said, leaving him there.
Taking off his hat, Justin rubbed his hands over his head. He toed out of his sneakers and pulled off his socks.
“Next time, you’re wearing boots,” AJ said, walking back in.
“How much taller than you do you want me to be?” Justin asked.
Ignoring that, AJ said, “I’m going to leave you alone in here. If you try to sleep, and you can’t get to sleep, or if you fall asleep but you wake up, I want you to come to my room.” Gripping the front of his shirt, AJ pulled him down until they were nose-to-nose. “Are you listening to me? I do not want you in here alone and upset. If you have any trouble on your own, if you have any trouble sleeping, you come in. I don’t care if I’m already asleep, I don’t care if my dick is up Joey’s ass, you come in. If I think for a second that you had a bad night and you stayed in here alone, I will be very pissed off. Tell me that you’ll come to me.”
He could be AJ, he could be tough and strong, when he was with other people. One on one with the real thing, he found it much harder to stay in the role; his voice shook when he said, “I’ll come to you.”
“Say it and mean it,” AJ ordered.
“I’ll come to you,” Justin said immediately, meaning it this time. He swallowed, easing back. “I’ll come to you,” he said again, softer now, intimidated, uncertain. Why did AJ care this much? Why would AJ potentially sacrifice a good fuck for his well-being?
AJ eyed him sharply. “You’d better.”
“What if…” He couldn’t interrupt AJ and Joey’s actual sexual rendezvous; Joey would hate him. “I can’t do that to Joey.”
“You think I can’t take care of Joey?” AJ asked. “Don’t worry about him, worry about me.”
Nodding, Justin wiped his hands on his jeans.
“Now, here’s where your night gets a whole lot better,” AJ said. “This,” he held up a cell phone, “is the key to your happiness.”
A phone. Heart leaping, Justin reached for it.
“Ah,” AJ said, smacking his hands back down. “Not until you’ve agreed to obey the rules.”
“I’ll obey,” Justin said. A phone. He wasn’t trapped in this room alone anymore.
“When I decide,” AJ said, “at my discretion, I will give you this phone. I got it just for you. You don’t touch it without my permission. You don’t look for where I keep it. You don’t ask to be allowed to use it. When I think it’s time, I’ll let you borrow it. When I think it’s time, I’ll take it away from you.”
Nodding, Justin said, “I won’t ask.” He wanted to take it from AJ’s hands.
“It only dials one number,” AJ said. “If I find out that you’ve dialed any other number at any other time, you’ll regret it.”
“One number,” Justin agreed. Whose number? “Can I call Kevin?”
“No.” AJ dangled it before his eyes. “Guess again.”
Justin felt his entire body light up. “Dan! Dan! Dan? Can I call Dan?!”
“Yes.” AJ smiled. “You may call Dan.”
It was like having a burst of pure energy explode in his soul. Justin grabbed for the phone, already knowing that once he had it, he’d never let go.
AJ yanked it back before he could get his hands on it. “Thank me.”
Justin didn’t hesitate. “Thank you,” he said, cupping AJ’s face, kissing all over AJ’s cheeks, “thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“Enough, enough, that’s enough,” AJ said, pushing him back. “His cell phone number’s already programmed in there. Call him, talk to him. You know what not to say.” AJ kissed his mouth. “I’ll see you later.”
“Thank you, AJ,” Justin said, greedily snatching up the phone. He was already dialing before the door closed. Sitting on the bed, tense with excitement, a little nervous, breathlessly eager, he listened through the rings.
“Hello?”
Dan! Dan, Dan’s voice, the voice he’d heard defend him, the voice he’d heard respect him, the voice he’d heard in his ears at night when the room was dark but he finally felt safe. “What happened to, ‘It’s Miller Time?’”
There was a long pause of silence, and then, “Justin?”
He laughed; he couldn’t help it. “It’s so great to hear your voice! It’s so great to finally be able to talk to you! I was so worried, I was so scared, I thought that you’d, I don’t know, maybe forget about me, maybe stop caring, but JC said that you came to see him and Howie, just yesterday, you’re still trying to help me, you still love me. You still love me, don’t you?” His breath caught. “Don’t you?” he asked again, uncertain this time, fear rising. If he didn’t have Dan’s love, if he didn’t have Dan, if-
“Yes, I still love you,” Dan said. “Justin, tell me where you are.”
“I’m here, I’m home, I mean, I’m at AJ’s house. I’ve missed you so much, I think about you every day, I think about you every hour, I know that sounds crazy but I do, I miss you so much. I don’t even know how that happened, from the first day we met I kept telling myself that we weren’t really friends, I kept thinking it wasn’t real, but you changed all of that, you changed everything.”
“How are you?” Dan asked. “Are you happy? Are you safe?”
“I don’t want to talk about me, I want to talk about you.” Justin got up, shaking out his nervousness, walking around the room. “Tell me how you are, tell me what you’ve been doing, talk to me. I’ve missed you so much, I’ve missed the sound of your voice. Say my name again, say it right.”
“I’m worried about you,” Dan said. He sounded tense, he sounded wrong.
“Don’t worry about me,” Justin said. “I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m fine, I’m happy, I had a great day today, AJ takes really good care of me. He’s good for me. I know that it doesn’t make sense, I know that you think I’m just nuts, but he really helps me. We have this really strange connection, it’s weird but it’s really strong, I don’t even know how it happened. I just miss you so much, if I had you I’d feel so right inside. I’ve been so crazy over missing you, I keep talking about you. I was so upset, when you left I was so furious and so scared, and then AJ took all of your stuff out of my house and I freaking lost it, I mean, I really - - but I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about you. I want to talk about Dan. How are you? How’s the Townhouse? Sometimes I get news, I heard about Erik’s credit cards, I heard about Ashley and Brian. Are you okay? I know how hard it is on you, I know how much it pulls and weighs on you.”
“Justin,” Dan said quietly. “I’m going to come to get you.”
“Oh, god, I wish that you could,” Justin said. Just the idea had his heart beating faster. “I want to see you, I want to be with you, I want to touch you. I want to do this in person, I want to be with you, being with you makes me feel so - - but we can’t, you can’t come over here. Not now. Not tonight. Maybe later, maybe, I’ll try to make it okay, I’ll talk to AJ.”
“I’m coming now,” Dan said.
He heard it, he heard it in Dan’s voice, the firmness like fact. Fear raced through him. “No, no, no, Dan, no, listen to me, you can’t,” he said. “Please don’t, just listen to me for a second, just, don’t go anywhere. Please, I know you don’t understand, I know you want to help me, but that won’t help me, that’ll make everything worse, so much worse, you can’t come here now. It means so much to be able to talk to you, it means so much to be able to call you, this is so important to me, this is so, I need this, I need to be able to talk to you, if we play by his rules he’ll let me call you again. If you come over here now, he’ll get mad, he’ll get pissed, he won’t like it and he’ll take you away again. He can’t take you away from me again, I can’t lose you again, please, please, just stay there, just talk to me. Just talk to me.”
“Do you hear yourself?” Dan asked. “Justin, are you listening to yourself? You sound like a victim, you sound like you’re a prisoner trapped in his house, and you’re not. You’re not! You’re a grown man, you have money and cars and mobility, you could be in your own house or across the country or on another continent tonight, and you’re crying on the phone worried about making AJ mad!”
“I don’t want to do this,” Justin said, frustrated, scared. “Damn it, just listen to me. You don’t know what’s going on, you don’t understand it and I can’t explain it.” Dan’s voice was firm, hard, edged with frustration. “You have to try, Justin, because none of this makes sense to me.”
“I know that I’m a weak stupid victim, but I’m on the inside of this and I know how it works. For I don’t know how long now, you’ve been the second most important person in the world to me, and I don’t want to lose you again. I’m terrified of that, and I know what it’s going to take to keep that from happening. You know how much you mean to me, you know that if I had any way of seeing you tonight I’d be begging you to get over here, but it’s not time for that. Please don’t jeopardize this for me, please don’t fuck this up, I finally get to talk to you again and if I get that taken away from me I’ll lose my goddamned mind and I can’t take that risk.”
“You’re not safe there,” Dan said.
“This is the safest place in the world for me right now,” Justin said. “AJ’s rough but he keeps me together. He’s blunt, but I trust him to tell me the truth. I sleep so well when I’m with him, I come so hard when he fucks me, we work so damned well together. When I’m hurt and I’m scared, he helps me. He doesn’t do it the same way that you do, but he makes me feel safe and he makes me feel strong. Everything gets so hard sometimes and I get so scared, but then AJ touches me and I feel grounded and centered and okay again.”
“He’s good for you?” Dan asked. “You’re telling me that AJ helps you? With what? Dealing with how he treats you? Coping with a maniac boyfriend? He’s the problem! That means that he can’t be the solution without behaving in a way that doesn’t cause you all this pain.”
“He makes me feel better,” Justin said. “He shows me ways to cope. I didn’t think that he’d ever really want to help me, but he… He’s the most… He’s been really, really good to me.”
“You wouldn’t need him to make you feel better if he didn’t make you feel bad in the first place.”
“He’s doing better,” Justin said, needing Dan to let this go.
“But he still won’t let me anywhere near you.”
“Well, he’s still AJ,” Justin said. “I didn’t say that he was perfect.”
“Has he hit you?”
“No, I told you, we agreed, never again.”
“He hasn’t hurt you?”
“He’s kind of… He’s kind of healed me.”
There was a long silence.
“JC said that you were wearing my bracelet,” Justin said quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I think about it all of the time. It gave me so much strength. You gave me strength.”
“Do you need strength?” Dan asked.
Justin had to laugh. “Yes, I need strength. I need strength and peace and sanity and about a hundred other things.”
“You told me how scared and hurt you were,” Dan said. “You acted traumatized, and I believed you, and I did my damnedest to help you. Then you went back to AJ, and I beat myself up over it, and I was scared for you every minute of the day. But everyone I talk to says how healthy you are and how happy you are and how great everything is. And you’re crying one minute and telling me how much AJ helps you the next.” Dan’s voice was harsh. “I dropped everything for you, Justin, I put myself through hell for you, even more than you know. And now I don’t know what to believe.”
Justin’s heart dropped. “You don’t believe me.” He whispered it, slowly rising to his feet, mouth working silently before, “You don’t believe me.”
“I don’t know,” Dan said. “I believed every word that you ever said to me, I believed every recoil and every nightmare and every teardrop, I believed every time your eyes begged me for help. I tried to rescue you. I put everything on the line for it. But now I don’t know if you really need help or not.”
“I need you,” Justin said desperately. “I need you, you know how much I need you.”
“None of it makes any sense,” Dan said. “None of it matches up. I don’t want you to need me, Justin, it isn’t about me, this isn’t about your games or my ego. I just want to know if you need help or not. If you need help, then I want to help you, but if-”
“Games?” Justin asked, disbelieving. “Games? You think that I’m playing games? You don’t know anything about games! Talk to me about games when somebody’s locked you naked in a janitor’s closet with your hands cuffed to your balls and a plug up your ass! Talk to me about games when somebody’s bound you and gagged you and painted ‘whore’ all over your body and taken fucking pictures of it! Talk to me about games when-”
“I’m coming to get you,” Dan said. “I’m coming over there right now, I don’t care what he-”
“No!” Justin shouted. “Just stay on the phone with me, please, just stay here with me, just tell me what you had for breakfast, tell me what you’re wearing, tell me what you did today. I need this, I need you but you can’t come for me, you can’t, please, please, you know how much I need you, you know how much I want to be with you, you know I wouldn’t tell you not to come if I didn’t mean it.”
“You can’t tell me that he’s helping you and then tell me that he’s done things like that to you,” Dan said. “You can’t tell me about that and expect me not to do anything about it! What was all that? When did it happen? Is he doing that to you now? Since you’ve gone back to him, has he-”
“No, he didn’t, that was before, that was a long time ago, before any of, that was, it wasn’t… I can’t do this, I can’t explain it, just talk to me, just tell me about you, just let me hear your voice.”
“I love you,” Dan said. “I love you, Justin, and you have to tell me what I can do to help you. I can’t leave you there.”
“He let me call you,” Justin said. “He’ll do it again, he said that I can call you again, it might not be tomorrow but it’ll happen. Just listen to me and talk to me and let me have this. I need this so much. I’m so scared of losing you again. Don’t let him take you away again.”
“It rips me apart to hear you cry,” Dan said softly. “It kills me to hear you say those things.”
“I won’t say them,” Justin said, eager to give Dan whatever he needed to stay on the phone and not come to the house. “I won’t tell you about that. I’ll tell you the good things.”
“I don’t want you to hide anything from me,” Dan said. “Don’t keep things from me just because they’re ugly.”
“Let me listen to you,” Justin said, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand, settling onto the bed, curling up on one side. “Let me be with you.”
Dan let out a weary sigh. Justin could almost hear his strength in his breathing. “I had corn flakes for breakfast,” Dan said. “I wear your bracelet all of the time, I sleep with it on, I only take it off when I’m in the shower. I think about you, I worry about you, I’ve been trying to find a way to help you.”
“You don’t know how much it means to me that you want to help me. That you would do whatever it takes to keep me safe.” The truth of it overwhelmed him. Justin wanted to know everything that had happened in Dan’s life while they had been apart. “What are you wearing? What did you do today?”
“I have on jeans and a white T-shirt,” Dan said. “I spent most of today with Trevor and Chris.”
Dan and Chris. Justin smiled. “That sounds like fun.”
“Brian?” Jacob asked.
Wincing, Brian said, “Hi. I’m sorry that I didn’t call you any earlier than this.” Lance tugged him closer, stroking his hair, scratching gently.
“You’re with Lance, aren’t you?”
“Yes, we just made it over to my house. I’m sorry that you and I didn’t get our time together today.”
“I’ll come over now,” Jacob said.
“You don’t have to do that,” Brian said.
“I want to,” Jacob said firmly.
“Why don’t I just come over there?” Brian asked.
“I want to get out of here, anyway,” Jacob said. “Just don’t let Lance drag you anywhere else before I get there.”
“I’ll be right here,” Brian promised. “I can’t wait to see you.”
“Bye,” Jacob said.
Brian hung up, resting his head on Lance’s shoulder with a sigh. “Now he’s pissed at me.”
“He’ll get over it,” Lance said. “He’s coming here?”
“Yeah. I wanted to go over there, to take advantage of our new technology, but he’s in a mood.” Brian closed his eyes as Lance stroked his scalp. “That feels so nice.”
The phone battery began to die.
Immediately worried, panicked that his route to Dan was about to be cut off, Justin promised to find a way to call again, made Dan promise to wait for him, made Dan promise over and over again not to do anything until he called. They’d talked for hours but it wasn’t enough; he needed more, and Dan wasn’t with him, and he rubbed furiously at the bracelets on his wrist, whimpering.
Then he heard soft, familiar, loving words, and Dan gave him poetry, verse after verse of it, words of love, words of adoration, words of beauty. He closed his eyes, capturing every syllable, pulling every line into his heart. Then he couldn’t hear Dan’s voice anymore at all.
The battery was dead.
Lance opened the door, and smirked.
Jacob almost struck him. The fucking bastard.
Giving him a lazy once-over, Lance called, “Brian, your other boyfriend’s here.”
Laughing, Brian called back, “Then invite him in!”
“I guess you can come in,” Lance said, still eyeing him like he was meat.
“Then I guess you can go,” Jacob said, pushing past him.
“Jacob,” Brian said, walking up with a bright smile. “Oh, you look good,” he said, eyes sparkling. His embrace was welcoming. “And you smell good!”
“Got all dressed up, did you?” Lance asked. “Strange, how I can’t tell the difference between this T-shirt and jeans and your other T-shirt and jeans.”
“Oh, there’s a difference,” Brian said, pulling back with a private smile just for Jacob. “My other boyfriend,” he said, slipping his arm around Jacob’s waist and sparkling at Lance. “I like that. I guess you’re the first one?”
“I guess I am,” Lance said, cupping Brian’s chin and kissing his cheek. Brian’s startled laughter, the very fact that it was startled, was the only thing that saved Lance from a bloody mouth. “See you later,” Lance said, reaching for the doorknob. The idea that he was about to leave made relief flood Jacob’s brain. Lance was about to go, Lance was about to leave, Lance was about to be gone, and Jacob would have Brian alone, all to himself.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Brian said.
Lance smirked, meeting his eyes. “Bye, Jacob.”
“Bye,” Jacob said, waiting for the sick bastard to leave already. Then, finally, the door opened; Lance stepped out; the door closed. With the click of the door, tension drained from Jacob’s body. No more Lance. Just him, and Brian, alone in Brian’s house.
“It’s so good to see you,” Brian said, hugging him again, pulling back and gazing at him, smiling. “I missed you.”
“You don’t have to miss me,” Jacob pointed out. “You just have to tell Lance to leave you alone once in a while.”
“He’s been so supportive,” Brian said. “Have you talked to Ashley?”
“He’s going away for the weekend,” Jacob said grimly, having his own suspicions about that. “Let’s hope that by the time he gets back, he’s grown up.”
“I can’t get over how cute you look,” Brian said, smiling, stroking his chest.
“I’m not cute,” Jacob told him, nipples hardening with Brian’s caress only inches away.
“Not cute,” Brian agreed, sparkling, knuckles brushing up the side of his neck. “Handsome.”
Jacob laughed. “Whatever. I’ve been stuck in the house, so since I’m finally out of there for the night, I figured I might as well dress like I’m going somewhere.”
“Do you want to go out?” Brian asked.
“No.” He had his own plans for the night. “Let’s just stay here.”
“Okay.” Even though they weren’t touching anymore, Brian remained incredibly close, not making the slightest move to step back. “Can I get you something to drink? Are you hungry?”
“No.” He took Brian’s hand, loving the way Brian’s fingers immediately, intimately, slid through his. “Let’s go sit down. I want to talk to you about something.”
When Jacob took him to the sanctuary, he smiled. Sitting on the floor, he leaned back on the pillows, reclining slightly. “You want to talk about music,” he said. Of course he knew that wasn’t true, but he had to come across as completely innocent and unaware of Jacob’s intent.
“I want to talk about us,” Jacob said, sitting not across from him but beside him, leaning in close enough to make Brian’s heart beat faster.
“Us?” he asked, letting light curiosity show on his face.
“There’s been all of this bullshit with Ashley. You know that I don’t believe a filthy word of it. I trust you,” Jacob said. “I feel like I know you better than I know myself.”
“Your trust has meant the world to me,” Brian said, shifting minutely closer. “I don’t know what I would have done if he’d been able to convince you that I could do something like that.”
“That’s just it. I want you to know that no matter what, Ashley can’t come between us. I need you to understand that nothing could ever come between us. You’re like - - I can’t even call you my best friend,” Jacob said. “We’re too close for that.”
“I don’t know what you are to me,” Brian said softly, gently, wanting to touch but keeping his hands off, preferring to make Jacob take the initiative. “You’re my soul mate, you’re the other half of me.”
“I love you,” Jacob said. “I don’t even know if you can understand how much I love you. It’s nothing like what everyone else calls love.”
“I do understand it,” Brian said, smiling, his voice near a whisper, his gaze intimate. “You love me as much as I love you.”
“I want for us to be closer,” Jacob said. “I want to bring us together. As one.”
“To unite our halves of each other,” Brian murmured, as if captivated by the notion. Smiling again, he shook his head. “I want that, too, but I don’t know how to do it. All I can think of is spending more time with you.”
“There’s…something else,” Jacob said. His gaze and his touch were both very, very tender when his fingertips drifted across Brian’s jaw. Finally receiving his caress was so perfect that it took everything Brian had not to move into it. “Can I show you?”
“You figured out a way?” Brian asked, his tone curious.
“I did,” Jacob said quietly, the backs of his fingers grazing Brian’s cheekbone. “Close your eyes.”
Giving Jacob one last, bright, curious look, Brian closed his eyes. Heart racing away, he made himself breathe as calmly but as lightly as possible.
Jacob’s fingers stroked along his jaw, tipping his face up a little.
Oh. Gentle, careful pressure. The soft, perfect brush of Jacob’s lips over his. Brian let his own lips part, just a little, just a bit, and then he felt Jacob’s thumb skimming along his jaw, the caress of Jacob’s lips over his taking the kiss from chaste to more.
His love was kissing him. The moment was so perfect, so beautiful, it broke Brian’s heart.
Inhaling quickly, Brian turned his face, putting his hand on Jacob’s chest, fingers splayed over Jacob’s collarbone. Not pushing, just creating a barrier. When he met Jacob’s eyes, Jacob’s beautiful and devoted blue eyes, he was careful to look surprised, unsure, worried, but not repulsed, not disgusted. He wasn’t rejecting Jacob; he was confused by this behavior. “What… I thought… I don’t - - I’m straight, you-”
“I know,” Jacob said, Jacob’s hand covering his. “I know, but it’s not about that. It’s not about being straight or being gay, it’s about us. It’s about how much we love each other. It’s about truly uniting, together, as one.”
There was passion behind Jacob’s words, great feeling, conviction, even though he was trying to sound somewhat calm. Brian hesitated, looking at their hands on Jacob’s chest. “I never… I don’t…” He raised his gaze to search Jacob’s eyes, still puzzled.
“We’re already close in so many other ways,” Jacob said. “Emotionally. Physically. Maybe it’s time for us to be intimate sexually, too.”
Shocked, Brian let utter confusion wash across his face. Slowly, he began to inch back, withdrawing his hand. “I don’t know. I don’t...”
“We have to explore what this is between us,” Jacob said. “We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to each other.”
When Jacob’s grip tightened on his hand, Brian stopped trying to slip free, let Jacob keep him there. “I love you,” he said, “I do. And I want to be close to you, you know how much I want to share with you, but… Sexually intimate?” he asked, uncomfortable with the words.
“Brian,” Jacob said, “what do you think you’re talking about when you say things about us being halves of each other, when you say that we should unite those halves?”
“That isn’t about sex,” he said, baffled. “That’s about love.”
“If I were a woman, if you were talking to a woman, if you felt about a woman the way you feel about me, would you want to make love with her?”
“I… If I loved a woman as much as I love you, I would’ve married her weeks ago.”
“Then why can’t we make love?” Jacob asked. “Because I have a dick? Are you really going to let that keep us apart?” Jacob stroked his cheek, and he let it happen, gazing into Jacob’s eyes, unsure. “I’ve experienced every possible emotion with you, for you, about you, since we’ve met. Happiness, joy, elation, sadness, frustration, anger, contentment, peace, love, and a thousand more. I’ve shared everything with you except arousal and lust. We fit each other perfectly in so many ways, I know that we can share this, too. We can, and it’ll be amazing. Just like everything else between us.”
“It… Everything that you’re saying makes sense, but…” Brian shook his head, uncertain, confused. “It sounds… I haven’t had time to think about this. I’m just not sure.”
“Then don’t be sure. Just try it. Just see how it goes. What did you feel when I kissed you?” Jacob asked. “What did it feel like?”
“It was nice,” Brian admitted. He blushed, a little. “It was one of the nicest kisses I’ve had in a long time.”
“Well, okay,” Jacob said, giving him a smile. “That’s not a bad start, then.” Jacob brushed at his bangs. “Can I try it again?”
Brian looked down, taking his time, pretending to think. His love intended to fight for this, was determined to share this with him, and his love’s devotion tasted so, so sweet. After letting silence stretch out, he said, “I want to be closer to you. I want to be as close to you as any two people can be. And this, this would be a way for us to share something very intimate and very private and very special.” Taking a worried breath, he met Jacob’s eyes. “I just don’t want anything to happen. If this doesn’t work out, we-”
“If this doesn’t work out, nothing will change,” Jacob said. “If we don’t like it, if it doesn’t feel right, then we’ll stop. But we won’t stop loving each other this way.”
“I just don’t know,” Brian said, still uncertain, still holding back. “I never thought about you that way, I’ve never thought about any man that way.” His love wouldn’t bring up Lance, he knew that, not now.
“I’m not any man,” Jacob said. “I’m me, I’m Jacob. When we met, we never thought that any of this would happen, but it did. We didn’t realize that things could be like this, but they are. Just let it happen.” He touched Brian’s cheek again, the backs of his fingers brushing across Brian’s cheekbone. “Do you trust me?”
“I’d trust you with anything,” Brian said without hesitation.
“Do you know,” Jacob was gazing right into his eyes, holding his focus, “that I love you?”
“Of course,” Brian said. “I love you, too.”
“Then close your eyes,” Jacob said, stroking his temple. “Close your eyes and trust me.”
Inhaling, then exhaling, Brian closed his eyes.
Light kisses, almost chaste, as Jacob caressed his face with devoted fingers and whispered, “I adore you.” Another kiss, just longer than the rest. “I want to be with you more than I want anything else in the world.” Another kiss, lingering, gentle. “I want to share this with you, I want to know the real you, everything about you, no holding back.”
“I don’t want to hold anything back, either,” Brian said, opening his eyes. “I don’t-”
“Then don’t,” Jacob said, and kissed him. It was slow and gentle, but it was a real kiss this time, Jacob’s lips soft and loving against his, Jacob’s tongue stroking intimately. Brian took a moment to respond, ostensibly from shock, but really he was just enjoying the tenderness of the moment, the intimacy, Jacob’s desire.
On a breath, he whispered, “Jacob,” and kissed back, hand sliding up Jacob’s arm.
Jacob wanted him.
Jacob was going to get him.
He was almost tempted to laugh.
Brian’s kisses were slow, intimate, as if Brian savored each sensual caress, and when Jacob deepened the kiss, sharing more, he moaned.
The sound of Brian’s pleasure rolled thickly up Jacob’s spine and he almost fell back into old habits, almost let his hormones take over. But he knew better, he’d learned better, and he had to do what was right for Brian; he was determined to do what Brian would like, so he moaned a little, lightly, and began to lean back, his hands gently encouraging Brian to move over him, to take the dominant position.
Obviously familiar with doing just that, Brian lowered him to his back, one hand braced between the pillows on the floor, one hand cupping his nape, holding him at a practiced angle for a deep, thorough kiss, claiming him, each possessive tongue stroke sending a new wave of flame through his body. Moaning again, hot for Brian, hot with lust, burning with excitement, anticipation, Jacob slid his hands under Brian’s shirt, stroking his back, learning his body, the smoothness of him, the firmness of him.
“You’re touching me,” Brian whispered, his eyes still closed, his nose brushing Jacob’s once, twice, again.
Responding to that cue, Jacob kissed him, nuzzled him, hands gently, rhythmically, brushing up and down his sides. “How does it feel?” he whispered, letting his caress venture up farther, raising Brian’s shirt.
“It feels right,” Brian confessed, “it feels so right,” and Brian kissed him, with more energy this time, more passion, moaning as he caressed Brian’s tight little nipples. “Yes,” Brian said, whispering it, moaning it, breathing it against Jacob’s skin as his kiss found Jacob’s neck. Shuddering, groaning, Jacob twisted a little under him, thrilled at the feel of his mouth as Brian’s hand left Jacob’s neck and slid, slowly, exploring, down Jacob’s chest to his waist, lifting his shirt. “I want to see you,” Brian said, quiet and compelling by his ear, “I want to touch you.”
“You’re lovely,” he whispered, mesmerized, as Jacob breathed beneath him. “You’re beautiful.” Captivated by the fine, slender lines of Jacob’s half-naked body, he let his fingertips drift over, cherishing the delicate smoothness of his love’s skin. This close, he could see the detail of the sleek layer of muscle across Jacob’s chest and abs. He wanted to touch everything, wanted to pet it all, but he faltered, seemingly unsure of this new terrain, beginning to withdraw.
“It’s okay,” Jacob said, catching his hand. “You can touch me,” bringing his hand to Jacob’s stomach, lower down this time, “anywhere you want.”
He didn’t have to fake the catch in his breath. Stunned, fascinated, Brian stroked the line where hip met torso, where Jacob’s body developed a V that narrowed down into… He only let his gaze linger there for a hundredth of the time he wanted, before he looked elsewhere, sliding his palm up Jacob’s chest. “You’re so…firm.”
“I love you so much,” Jacob said, kissing him, hand soothing on his back, “and I want this,” slow kisses, sweet, loving him, “but we don’t have to go fast. We can do,” such soft kisses, so loving, so careful of him, “whatever you want.”
“I want to do this,” Brian promised, hand slipping down to Jacob’s waist, “I want to share everything with you.” His fingers stroked, finding the waistband of Jacob’s underwear, teasing it, while he kissed Jacob’s soft, loving mouth. “It feels so right to touch you, my heart wants to be with you like this. It’s just so new…”
“I know,” Jacob whispered, caressing his face, soothing him, reassuring. “I know, but that’s okay. Just be with me, just share with me, just let me show you how strong this bond is between us.”
Kissing him, petting him, breath catching at the reality of him so near, Brian thought about all of the things that he would share with his love. Now it would finally begin. “I want us to remember this moment. Promise me that you’ll remember this always…”
It was working, it was happening, he was turning Brian on. Wrapping his arms around Brian’s shoulders, Jacob slid as close as he dared, until he could feel the heat emanating off of Brian’s body, until he could almost feel Brian’s chest against his.
Moaning, Brian slid a hand down the back of his pants, inside his jeans, right over his ass, cupping it through his underwear. Groaning, breaking out into a sweat, Jacob pushed back against Brian’s hand, thighs spreading, a guilty-hungry responsive noise vibrating in the back of his throat. God, he wanted it, he wanted it, and when Brian’s hand urged him closer, pulled him in, he couldn’t resist, couldn’t hold back.
When their hips met, bodies flush, he could feel Brian’s heat against him, stomach to stomach, thigh to thigh, and he groaned at the feel of Brian’s hardness, the push of Brian’s arousal, rocking against it, grinding against it. With a low, aching, surprised sound, Brian hesitated, and he felt it, felt Brian’s uncertainty at the hardness of his erection.
Needing to distract Brian, to keep the momentum of their passion, he made a soft, deliberately yielding sound, gradually rolling to his back, putting Brian back in control, giving Brian the upper hand. “I want you to enjoy this,” he whispered, kissing across Brian’s cheeks, stroking Brian’s jaw. He’d made Brian hard, Brian was aroused, they’d come this far, he had to keep it going. “Tell me what you need,” he whispered, as he brushed loving, adoring kisses along Brian’s jaw, his hand snaking down between their bodies, his fingers caressing below Brian’s navel, lower, so close.
“You were right,” Brian whispered, kissing him, hips rocking a little in confused restlessness as Jacob’s fingers ventured closer, closer. “I love being with you like this, I love being able to touch you, I love kissing you, I love your sweet,” kiss, “sexy,” longer, “gorgeous mouth,” even longer, hungrier, taking. “But I don’t know this,” Brian whispered, nuzzling his ear, kissing his neck, the hand on his ass squeezing, cupping, “I’m not sure what to do for you.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” Jacob said, petting the back of his neck, groaning with hot pleasure at Brian’s kiss, Brian’s caress. “Just let me love you. Let me give you this.” Brian’s eyes were so blue, so vulnerable, so trusting, that Jacob couldn’t push too hard, couldn’t go too far. But he knew what he could do, knew how to ease Brian one step closer to their union. “Lay back,” he said, gently rolling them over, nice and easy. “Just let yourself experience it.”
Brian made an uncertain sound into their kiss, but whispered, “Okay,” kissing him, stroking his face, tugging at his ponytail, shaking his hair down, rubbing his sideburns.
Kneeling on all fours over Brian, Jacob let his hands find the floor between the pillows to support his weight so he wouldn’t rest on Brian’s body. He wanted to keep the aching, throbbing stiffness of his erection off of Brian, to keep his own dick out of the equation, to keep the situation as close to what Brian was used to as possible. He let Brian control their kiss, stroking Brian’s chest with one hand, waiting for Brian to relax, waiting for the right moment to take the next step. It was hard to do this, hard to find the right pace, hard to keep his needs in check, but this had to be perfect for Brian. He couldn’t afford to screw this up. It was too important; it was Brian. And something still held Brian back, something kept Brian from complete acquiescence.
“Become one with me, right here, right now. Feel what I feel,” Jacob whispered, cupping Brian’s face, running his thumb across Brian’s lips. “Finally being able to kiss you fills my heart with joy. My whole body aches to be near you, to taste you, to touch you. And when I do, I know that nothing else could ever feel this right or this, this perfect. Tell me you feel it, too,” he whispered, gently caressing down Brian’s chest, tracing the divide between his pecs. “Tell me that you feel me like I feel you.”
“You touch me here,” Brian said, his hand covering Jacob’s, “and I feel it everywhere. I feel it in my heart, I feel it in my soul. It feels so good. It feels like you’re coming home to me.” His fingers threading through Jacob’s dreadlocks, he pulled Jacob down, nose to nose, nuzzling, smiling, kissing him lightly. Loving him, heart swelling, Jacob kissed him back, capturing his mouth, licking gently until Brian’s tongue met him stroke for stroke. Rock-hard, blood pounding, Jacob treasured Brian’s kiss, slowly learned Brian’s mouth all over again. This was it, this was the moment, this was his cue to go on. He had Brian now, he had Brian with him, truly with him, open to him, giving to him.
Jacob trailed kisses down Brian’s chest and savored Brian’s moans as he licked Brian’s small nipples. He licked down further to Brian’s navel, and when Brian began to squirm, he decided to go for it before Brian had a chance to get anxious again.
Popping open Brian’s fly, Jacob closed his eyes and listened to Brian’s surprised groan as his mouth slid all the way down Brian’s erection.