"Sucker"

Sucker

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Continued from part seventy-seven

A phone was ringing. It wasn’t his, so Lance ignored it. He felt movement beside him in bed; the ringing stopped and Brian murmured something.

He cracked open one eye, then shut it again. It was morning. He might as well get up. There were things that he wanted to talk to Brian about before Brian went back to Jacob.

Brian’s hushed conversation ended; a few kisses brushed Lance’s shoulder. “Do you want me to make you breakfast?”

Wait… Lance opened his eyes fully this time, to make sure. Yes, he’d been right. “We’re in my house.”

An amused smile. “I can make breakfast in your house.”

“That’s okay,” he said, rolling onto his back. “I can get it myself.”

“Okay.” Brian’s hand ran admiringly over his chest, then down, fingers stroking, oh, yeah, okay… Feeling himself tense against the rise of pleasure, Lance groaned as Brian’s thumb circled the head of his dick. “Do you want me to get you off?” Brian asked. The lick of Brian’s tongue against his neck made him shudder. Then, softly whispered, “Or can you do that yourself, too?”

Cupping Brian’s jaw, kissing him, Lance groaned, dragging him closer and then rolling over on top of him, making him moan. “I wouldn’t mind,” wet, clinging kisses, “some help.”

Justin couldn’t find a phone. Not one. Not one except the cell phone in the pocket of AJ’s jeans.

He turned it over in his hands, but he knew better than to use it without permission. Kneeling on the bed, he whispered, “AJ.” No response. He tapped AJ’s shoulder. Nothing. “AJ,” he repeated, shaking him slightly.

A low, irritated sound.

“Can I use your phone?”

He didn’t bother to open his eyes. “Who are you calling?”

“Chris.” His index finger traced a dark line of ink. “Just Chris.”

AJ held out one hand. Justin gave him the phone. He opened his eyes, flipping open the phone, and dialed; he offered the phone with a terse, “Don’t leave the room.”

“Okay.” He hesitated. “Thanks.”

AJ grunted.

Crossing the room to a chair in the corner, Justin sat gingerly as the phone rang. He felt much better, physically; he was so overwhelmed emotionally, he was somewhat numb.

Attentive, alert, “Kirkpatrick.”

“It’s just me,” Justin said. “Did I wake you up? Where are you? Are you alone?”

“Yes, at the Townhouse, no,” Chris said. “What’s wrong?”

“Did Kevin pay to have Trevor’s car fixed? How much did they do to it? How much did it cost?”

“Yeah, it looks great,” Chris said. “Chrome, lights, shiny things, expensive shit. I don’t know how much it cost.”

It was true. What Jacob and Brian had said, it was true. “Is he there?” Justin demanded. “Is he with you?”

“Yeah,” Chris said.

“That motherfucker hasn’t done anything, not one goddamned motherfucking thing, and Kevin gave him rims and neon and televisions in the headrests! Do you know what I’ve done? Do you know what I’ve done?!” Justin demanded. “Do you know what I’ve put myself through, do you - - he doesn’t fucking deserve it! That motherfucker doesn’t fucking deserve it, and I’m going to take it the fuck away from him! I love Kevin! I love Kevin! That-”

“I know,” Chris said quietly. “I’m sorry about this.”

“I’m taking it away from him.” He said it too calmly so he wouldn’t scream. “I’m taking it all away.”

A discreet cough. “How was dinner last night?”

Shit. Justin squeezed his eyes shut. “Brian had on a long-sleeved T-shirt. It was dark blue with kind of a gray tint. He smiled a lot and he had on a fancy silver belt buckle and he didn’t like the rice but he had two helpings of chicken and he was really nice and I have to go. Bye.” He hung up, curling forward over himself and breathing through his mouth.

“Oh, god, yes.” Brian moaned in ecstasy, licking cum from his lips. “You taste so, oh, so good…”

“Kevin felt responsible.”

Brian’s tongue flicked over his nipple.

“Kevin paid for everything.”

Brian’s fingers crawled up his thighs.

There was no way to apologize to Chris for what he’d done. No words, no explanation, no action, would ever erase the damage.

He couldn’t go after Trevor’s car. Kevin had paid for it. And Kevin had only had to do that in the first place because of him.

There had to be something else that he could do. Something else to hurt Trevor.

Damn it. He wanted to destroy that car. He had to. Kevin had given it to Trevor, and that was unacceptable. That car, that damned car, he’d attacked it once and now it was back, better than ever, and he had to get rid of it. Trevor didn’t deserve a gift like that from Kevin; Trevor wasn’t going to get to keep it, to enjoy it, to ride around in it and own it and brag about it and show it off. No!

Something flickered through Justin’s mind; he raised his head and looked towards the bed.

AJ.

The resident authority on destroying other people’s cars. AJ had ruined more of Joey’s cars than some people owned in a lifetime.

Before he realized that he was moving, Justin was across the room, crawling onto the bed. “AJ. AJ!”

A dismissive grunt.

“How do you set a car on fire without making it explode?”

AJ’s eyes opened; AJ looked at him.

Oh. “Hypothetically.”

“Right.” Sitting up, AJ rubbed at his eyes. “You can’t set anyone’s car on fire until I take you off the leash, and that’s not going to happen today. Once you have a little more freedom, we can talk about it then.”

Freedom. He was somewhat trapped, shuffled from one person to another, AJ to Kevin and back again, with a little baby-sitting here and there. But AJ wouldn’t keep that going forever. “How soon-”

“I’ll let you know.” Yawning, AJ scratched at his chin. “Did I tell you that Lance is coming over today?”

Lance. Lance. Lance had gone to Kevin, Lance had told Kevin to stop seeing him, Lance had - - “I don’t want him in my house.”

“You can tell him that when he gets here.”

“I don’t want him in my house,” Justin repeated firmly, following AJ from the bed to the bathroom. “I don’t-”

“Could you clean up this glass while you’re bitching?” AJ asked.

Shit. “Sorry.” He kept forgetting about that. “What does he want? Why is he coming?”

“Probably not to apologize.”

“I heard you went to see Kevin yesterday.”

Lance handed over a glass of milk, taking a seat at the table. He’d been waiting for Brian to bring that up. “He’s been seeing Justin.”

“And you don’t like that,” Brian guessed, sitting across from him.

“Justin’s not safe when Kevin’s around.” It was that simple. “It’s not good for Justin’s mental health to be near Kevin, much less alone with him unsupervised for any amount of time. Not that Kevin’s concerned about Justin’s health,” he continued. “But if he’s interested in the game, he has to be aware that the more time he spends with Justin, the more he puts the game in jeopardy.”

“In jeopardy?” Brian repeated. “Do you really see that as a threat to the game?”

“Don’t you?” Lance asked. “Justin’s barely keeping it together, without Kevin around.”

“I thought that’s why Kevin visits him,” Brian said. “Since he isn’t with Dan, he needs Kevin around, to keep him going, to be a source of strength.”

“Kevin isn’t a source of strength.” That was bullshit. “Kevin’s never done anything that’s ever made Justin stronger.”

“Wasn’t Howie a source of strength for you sometimes?” Brian asked quietly, like he wanted to understand.

Biting down too hard, Lance looked away. Yes, and no, and he didn’t want to talk about it. “You can’t compare - - I’m not Justin. Howie’s nothing like Kevin.”

“I guess not.”

Lance ate in silence.

“I didn’t bring it up to - - I just wanted to say... If there’s an issue with one of the fellas, you can come to me first. I could’ve explained Kevin’s side of things to you, or I could’ve talked to him for you. They’re closer to me, and there are certain things that they just might listen to me about before they listen to you.”

It wasn’t exactly news that Brian was closer to Kevin than Lance was. “I have to check in with you before I talk to any of the Boys?”

“No, it’s not - - you don’t have to do anything. But if I had an issue with Justin, I’d go to you first before I talked to him. You have an inside track that I don’t. You understand him better than I do, and if I brought it up with you, you could save me and him trouble by clearing it up for me.”

That made sense. “You would’ve told Kevin to stay away from Justin?”

“I would’ve talked to him about it,” Brian said. “We might’ve worked out a compromise. AJ also has a lot to do with it.”

“I’m going to see Justin today,” Lance said. “To talk about Kevin and Dan.” He’d intended to see AJ, actually, but if he said that, Brian would try to talk to AJ for him, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t need mediators. He could handle his own conversations.

“That’s probably a good idea. He was great at dinner, though.”

Lance nodded. Brian had told him all about it last night. “I think I’ll head over there this morning. But before I go, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Brian gave him complete attention. “What is it?”

Lance finished his juice. “What do you think about spying on Jacob?”

“You have the letter,” Howie said.

“I have the letter,” Erik agreed, holding it up in one hand.

“You have the ring.”

“I have the ring.” He held it up in his other hand.

“Wine.”

“Right over there,” on the table by the door.

“Flowers.”

“Picking them up on the way over.”

“Clothes.”

“Picking them up on the way over.”

Running both hands through his hair, Howie exhaled. “What are we forgetting about?”

“How much JC loves you, and how much he wants to be with you.” Transferring the letter to his other hand, Erik squeezed Howie’s bicep, tugging him closer. “Tonight’s going to be great.”

“I shouldn’t be nervous,” Howie said. “I don’t want to be nervous, but tonight’s too important. If JC-”

“There’s no if,” Erik said. “Tonight’s going to be great.”

“I won’t be able to think about anything else all day.” A restless sigh. “If JC doesn’t need you, would you be able to come back here? Unless JC wants you, or you have something else-”

“I’m yours, all day,” Erik said. “Unless JC needs me for something. But I’ll definitely come back here before dinner, to see how you’re doing.”

“Thanks.” A chaste kiss, a relieved gaze. “Tell JC that he doesn’t have to wear the clothes tonight, they’re just-”

“I’ll tell him.” Erik kissed Howie, pushing his luck; Howie humored him, until he got too turned on and made himself stop. “I’ll, uh, see you later,” he said, licking his lips, a little breathless.

“Thank you, Erik-Michael.” Howie kissed him slowly, tongue slipping softly between his lips, fingers sneaking under his shirt to stroke his treasure trail. “You’ve been so,” near-silent Howie moan, “generous.”

Heat flared through his body at that boldly teasing touch, at that aroused sound. “What’re,” he couldn’t stop kissing back, “friends for?”

Chuckling, Howie gently squeezed his hard-on, then broke the kiss and backed up. The desire in Howie’s gaze was unmistakable, but so was the dismissal in, “Remember everything that JC says for me.”

Breaking through the haze of hormones, Erik nodded, clearing his throat and reaching for the doorknob. “Okay. See you later.”

Howie smiled. “Can’t wait.”

While they’d dressed, Lance had explained his idea further. On the sofa, Brian still had reservations. “You’re talking about surveillance.”

“It would only be a few bugs,” Lance said. “I looked into it. Just a couple of them, planted in his room. To keep tabs on him. So I can see more of what goes on when I’m not there. You tell me everything at every step of the way, but I still miss a lot. This would keep me informed.”

“I know what you’re saying,” Brian said, looking like someone with a lot on his mind. “It makes sense, I just, I just don’t know. I won’t say that none of us has ever crossed the line, but isn’t this illegal?”

“Is that a problem?” Lance asked.

Taking a deep breath, Brian still looked worried. “If you want to do it, I’m in. I trust you. We can work it out. But I think that next time there’s a big meeting, we should bring it up, talk about it with everyone else.”

“Sure.” He’d just do it soon enough that it’d be too late for them to say no. “How’s tonight?”

“For the meeting?” Brian asked.

“To plant the bugs,” Lance said. “I’ve been thinking about it. We already know that we can get in and out of his bedroom window. If you keep him out of the house, I can go in and set everything up.”

“Tonight?” Brian asked, surprised. “Do we have to rush it?”

“You said you were in,” Lance reminded him.

“I know, I know, I…” Sitting back, overwhelmed, Brian breathed out and gazed at Lance. “You move fast.”

“Can you get him out of the house?” Lance asked.

“I could,” Brian said, sitting forward, thinking about it. “If we’re going to do this, let’s make sure we do it right.” He muttered a quiet curse, rubbing his forehead. “Okay, maybe keeping it simple would be the best way to start…”

As Brian worked out the plan, Lance smiled.

Justin didn’t know when Kevin would come for him, so he had to be ready at a moment’s notice. None of his new clothes satisfied him; he had to look hot, but not too young, not too flashy, not too sexy.

AJ helped him find the right jeans, then the right shirt. They settled on a simple gray T-shirt. Justin had considered it too boring at first, but AJ had pointed out that a more modest, understated look might be better, considering Kevin’s dislike of Justin’s tendency to draw attention to himself.

Justin wanted to argue that assessment - - he didn’t draw attention to himself, not in the way that AJ (and Kevin) meant - - but he decided to practice being obedient. He didn’t talk back to or argue with Kevin, and he owed the same respect to AJ. According to Kevin, anyway.

“When can I see Dan?”

“Not until I say so,” AJ said, paging through the phone book. “Not today, so don’t worry about it.”

Don’t worry about it. Right. Justin scratched his head, shifting from foot to foot. He didn’t know if he should lube himself yet or not; he didn’t know if Kevin would come soon or much later or in between. He was anxious; he’d done what Kevin wanted, but had he done it well enough? What if he hadn’t done it right? What if Kevin told him to do something else? What if he got in trouble for what he’d done with Nick and Brian? What if he got in trouble for not doing more with Howie?

He’d tried to do the right thing. He’d tried to do his best. He’d done what Brian and Nick had wanted, because that’s what he’d thought that Kevin would want from him. But what if it had been a test, and he’d failed?

What if Kevin gave him another test?

What if Kevin punished him?

Maybe he’d done well. Maybe Kevin would be pleased. Maybe.

He’d tried. He’d really, really tried. It had been so hard…

When he was embraced by tattooed arms and hugged to a firm chest, Justin squeezed his eyes shut, lowering his forehead to AJ’s shoulder, gripping the back of AJ’s shirt in both hands.

He couldn’t ask the questions clogging his throat. He couldn’t bear to say them out loud. It’ll never be good enough, will it? I’ll never be good enough, will I? The deck was stacked against him; he was doomed to failure. But he couldn’t stop trying. He couldn’t stop loving. He couldn’t stop needing.

He couldn’t stop hating himself.

“God, I’m so horny.”

JC laughed, switching the phone to his other ear. “Hi, Howie.”

“Sorry, I just - - I can’t wait to see you again.”

“And when will that be?” JC asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“Soon. Almost soon enough,” Howie said. “What are you wearing?”

“Not much,” he admitted with a smile. “How’s Erik?”

“On his way to your house. I love the way your fingers curl when I kiss your neck.”

Blushing, JC said, “You are horny.” He couldn’t believe Howie had noticed that he did that.

“I love fucking you.” Howie’s voice was low with desire. “I love the way it feels. I love the way it makes you sound. I love the way you move against me. I love making you come.”

Growing warm, JC closed his eyes, gripping the edge of the countertop so he wouldn’t cup himself. “I can’t wait to feel you against me again,” he whispered, feeling it, aching for it. “I can’t wait to feel you…in me…”

“Inside,” Howie murmured, drawing out the word. “Fucking you. Licking the sweat from your collarbone as I fuck your hot, hungry ass. I want to make you mine.”

Biting his lip, he almost groaned as his body burned and his knees weakened. “Howie…”

“I love how much you want it.” He could hear Howie breathing, and it reminded him of those hot, tense moments when there’d been no sound in the world but his breath, Howie’s breath, and the rhythm of flesh on flesh. “I love watching you get what you want.”

Pressing his hand to himself, rubbing his palm over his thickening arousal, JC whispered Howie’s name again, beginning to sweat as-

The doorbell rang.

Startled, he jerked, whirling suddenly as if caught. Heart pounding, he realized that of course he hadn’t been caught, and if he had, so what, he was on the phone with Howie, there was nothing-

“Ow! Shit!” Turning sharply again, JC realized that he’d accidentally knocked over his cup during that first guilty spin, and now coffee was all over the counter and spilling onto the floor. “Shit, damn it, stupid…”

“What did I miss?” Howie asked, amused.

“The doorbell rang and I spilled my coffee.” JC sighed. “Damn it.”

“Go make Erik fuck you,” Howie said. “And make him clean up the coffee.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. “I might do that. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Later,” Howie promised, and hung up.

Surveying the mess, JC heard the doorbell ring again.

He smiled. He just might take Howie’s advice.

Nervously smoothing his goatee, Chris rang Brian’s doorbell. Whenever Brian called, he was torn between the urgent need to run immediately to Brian’s side, and the impulse to shower, change clothes, and agonize over whether or not to shave.

Brian had, in the past, given him conflicting reports on whether his perpetual five o’clock shadow was a good thing or a bad one.

The door swung open. “Hey, Chris, wow, it’s great to see you,” Brian said, and Chris found himself pulled into a quick, back-slapping hug. “Come on in, I’m glad you could make it. How’ve you been?”

Immediately, with a mixture of pain and ease, Chris processed Brian’s cues and acted accordingly. “It’s good to see you, too,” he said, letting the door close behind himself. “I’ve, uh, been fine.”

“That’s great. Come on in, sit down. Do you want some water or a beer or something?”

Brian didn’t drink this early in the day. Then again, maybe it wasn’t this early in the day. “No, thanks, I’m fine.” Following Brian to the living room, Chris surreptitiously wiped his sweaty palms on his shirt. He sat on the couch; Brian sat on the armchair near him.

“I’m glad you could come,” Brian said. He was learning forward, hands clasping and unclasping; he laughed at himself. “I’m sorry, I’m so nervous - - have you talked to Justin?”

Justin? “He called me this morning,” Chris said, hoping that he was saying the right thing. “But he didn’t say anything about…” About what?

“He didn’t tell you that he came over yesterday?” Brian asked.

Chris didn’t want to hear this. “No, he didn’t mention it.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t tell you,” Brian said, restless from nervous energy. “I don’t know who I can tell. I wanted to talk to you, but maybe you should hear it from him, first.”

He swallowed. Brian was going to make him ask for it. “You can tell me anything.”

“It was such a shock,” Brian said. “I still can’t believe it happened. I had no idea, it hit me from somewhere out in left field.”

He really didn’t want to hear this. “What happened? He came over? Did he…say something?”

“He told me…” Brian giggled, putting his hands over his face. “I’m like a little kid with this. I was so surprised, I mean, Justin…”

Oh, god. “What’d he say?”

“He told me that he loves me.” Laughing, smoothing his hair back, Brian looked beautiful and flustered and flattered. “He stood right over there and told me that he’s in love with me. He told me that he’s mine. He, he promised himself to me.” Brian’s cheeks were flushed; his eyes were bright. “Can you believe that?”

Those were Chris’s lines. His lines and his alone. No one else’s. He’d given up his world to say those things to Brian. No one else had the right. “He did?” Chris asked, because he had to keep up his end of the conversation, he had to play along.

“He showed me a tattoo,” Brian said. “Right next to his, his penis. He said that it’s for me.” Brian’s eyes were wide with amazement. “He tattooed himself for me.”

Chris had done that, Chris had tattooed himself for Brian, Chris! Justin had done it for Kevin, Justin would never do anything like that for Brian, Justin would never love Brian like that, Justin would never. Chris had done that, Chris loved Brian that much, Chris loved Brian so much more than that. “He must really love you,” he said, tucking his balled-up fists under his thighs.

“I couldn’t - - I’ve never been that close to him without his clothes on before.”

Without his clothes on.

“I didn’t know that he was so…” Brian gestured vaguely. “He’s so muscular. He’s so ripped. His biceps are getting bigger and bigger, and his abs are like… It really is like running your fingers over a washboard.”

Justin had been naked. Brian had touched. Chris swallowed. “Did you tell him that you love him back?”

“No,” Brian said. “No, no, because that wouldn’t even be true. It wouldn’t be right, it wouldn’t be fair. He was giving himself to me so openly, I couldn’t lie to him like that. But we… I… We did, uh…” Brian rubbed his hands together, blushing. “I might’ve given him head a couple of times.”

Chris’s world spun. His vision dimmed for a moment; he blinked rapidly, dragging air into his lungs.

“I couldn’t help myself,” Brian said. “He was right there, and he was offering himself to me, and his back was so pretty, and… Was I wrong?”

His back was so pretty. “No,” Chris said. “No, you weren’t wrong.” His back was so pretty. Chris knew Brian. Chris knew what that meant.

“He loves me,” Brian said. “He really loves me. It’s such a gift.”

“Love is a very special gift,” Chris said. It hurt to look at Brian. It was torture to have this conversation and not say anything that he wanted to say.

“I never even kissed him,” Brian said. “It’s so strange, everything that happened, I couldn’t stop touching him, I loved holding him in my mouth, but we never kissed.”

He wanted to get away. He wanted to make Brian his again. But Brian couldn’t be owned.

“Justin’s eyes are a unique, dark color,” Brian said. “I haven’t really seen that shade of blue before. He has a great body, it’s fantastic. It’s amazing to be loved by someone who’s so strong and so… Well, you know him, you know what he’s like.”

“Yeah.” Broken. Struggling desperately to put everything back together, and barely dragging his twisted, maimed body from one day to the next. Kind of how Chris felt at that moment and at every other second.

“I’m sorry,” Brian said, embarrassed. “You don’t want to hear details.”

No matter what, Chris still couldn’t stand to have Brian apologize to him. “No, no, it’s fine. Go ahead. You can tell me anything.”

“No, it’s okay,” Brian said. “You probably have to go, anyway.”

It was both a relief and a terrible blow, to be dismissed from Brian’s presence. But he recognized his cue to go. “It was great to see you,” he said, making himself stand.

“Thanks for coming over,” Brian said, getting up, walking him to the front door. “Thanks for listening.”

“Any time.” He wanted to say a million things. The first and foremost was, “I love you.” But he knew better; he kept it all back.

“I appreciate you stopping by to hear about my little soap opera,” Brian said, opening the door. “I’ll call you.”

“Bye,” Chris said. He took one last look, then turned and left.

The door closed behind him.

The next few seconds, minutes, were a blur. Then he was parked by the side of the road, shaking, hyperventilating, and the screaming inside his brain wouldn’t stop.

When the doorbell rang, Justin jumped to his feet.

“Sit,” AJ ordered. “It’s not Kevin,” he added, getting up, heading for the door.

Justin didn’t really appreciate AJ giving him commands like he was a dog. He also wanted to mention that it was his house, so it was his door to open. But he was trying to obey, so he had to keep his mouth shut, and maybe the dog thing wasn’t that far off. And since it wasn’t Kevin - - and how did AJ know that? - - then it was probably Lance, and he was in no hurry to see Lance.

Since if he did see Lance, he’d probably end up doing something violent.

AJ opened the door. Justin hung back, debating whether to rush Lance out of the house for Lance’s own good, or tell Lance exactly how he felt about anyone, even a friend, especially a friend, interfering in his relationship with Kevin.

AJ didn’t sound pleased. “It’s you.”

“I-”

“I’ll let you in, but you’d better watch your mouth. Justin doesn’t need your shit.”

“I’m looking out for him,” Lance shot back. “What Justin doesn’t need is-”

“I don’t want to hear your paranoid fantasies,” AJ said. “Do you think that I’d do anything bad for Justin right now? My whole part in this game rests on him. Do you really think that I’m so goddamned stupid that I’d risk fucking up all of my plans just to mess with him? How useful is he going to be to me if he gets any worse?”

“You only need him to be functional enough to do what you want,” Lance snapped. “You don’t give a shit about his health, his feelings, his sanity-”

“You think that his so-called best friend betraying him is good for his feelings?” AJ asked. “Thank god you’re not my friend, too.”

Justin didn’t have the mental energy or the emotional resources to figure out their argument, who was right, who was more or less on his side, who had ulterior motives, and how much of it was bullshit. But he did know that AJ didn’t like Lance, and Kevin didn’t like Lance, and Lance having one more fight with one more Boy wasn’t a good thing. Especially at his front door, over him; that might be seen as his fault, and he couldn’t risk that.

He approached the door, walking up behind AJ, keeping his gaze on AJ’s shoulder. Clearing his throat, he met Lance’s eyes. “Maybe you should go.”

Lance stared at him. “You’re not serious.”

AJ’s hand drifted back, resting on his thigh. He remembered standing by another doorway, holding AJ back, asking Dan to leave. He remembered standing in this house, reaching back and twisting his fingers through Dan’s fingers, facing AJ and trying to be strong. “I have… I have too much to deal with. I have too many problems and too much to handle and too much…” Too much to take. Just too much. “I can’t do this with you. If you come in, we’ll fight, and I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want to argue with you, Lance, I don’t. Just go.”

Lance’s expression was firm. “I’m not leaving until I have a chance to talk to you alone.”

“It’s not AJ. I hate him and I want him out of my life and he’s putting me through hell, but he’s the only good thing I have left.”

“Works for me,” AJ murmured. Justin knew how stupid it was that AJ was one of the best and worst things in his life, and didn’t care. AJ was AJ. Good and bad. AJ was mean to him, was callous and crude, didn’t give a fuck about him. Deliberately did harmful, destructive things. But AJ was also supportive and helpful and gave him release, gave him escape. He could turn to AJ when he couldn’t turn to anyone else. AJ understood everything and didn’t judge. Or, at least, AJ’s already negative judgment of him didn’t get any worse.

His life was complicated, and everything had a catch or a twist to it. He couldn’t turn to the guys, because they’d judge, or they’d misunderstand, or they’d try to “help” in ways that he didn’t want. Even if he had access to Dan, he couldn’t be honest with Dan the way he was with AJ, because he wanted to preserve what he could of Dan’s opinion of him. But he could say anything to AJ, in a way he couldn’t with anyone else. He could be open. Even when he argued, acted out, or disobeyed, AJ tended to react in ways that he understood, in ways that he could handle.

AJ treated him like even though he was fucked up, he was a normal person responsible for his own actions. Somehow, AJ’s candid approach was different from everyone else’s. AJ’s bluntness, while sometimes hard to take, made things easier. Justin wasn’t afraid of what AJ thought but didn’t say; if AJ thought it, AJ said it.

AJ was direct with him. AJ danced with him. AJ accepted his love for Kevin. He slept normally with AJ in bed beside him.

He loved Lance, but he didn’t want to deal with Lance. Not at the moment. Maybe not for another few days. Or weeks.

He felt empty and scared and restless without Dan, but he didn’t want to see Lance. That probably made him a crappy friend. And it wasn’t like he was the only one going through anything. Lance was dealing with a lot of things, too.

Then again, it wasn’t like Howie had sent Lance out to get molested by his friends. Howie didn’t even whip Lance.

“Justin, I don’t want to have this conversation at your front door. Let me in,” Lance insisted.

“What gives you the right to talk to Kevin about me?” He couldn’t keep the hard edge from his voice. “I’d never go to Howie to talk about you. Howie’s your business. If I had a problem, I’d talk to you, not him.”

“How-”

“You don’t know anything about me and Kevin,” Justin said. “You don’t know anything, and there are reasons for that.”

“He’s seeing you again,” Lance said. “You’re not answering your phone, AJ’s hiding you away from us, and now Kevin is involved. God knows what’s going on that we don’t know about. Joey told me-”

“Joey can shut the fuck up,” Justin snapped. “Joey comes to my house and fucks AJ on my bed. I don’t know what the hell gives him the right to say anything about me and Kevin.”

“AJ hasn’t done the same kind of damage to Joey that Kevin’s done to you,” Lance said. “I know that it seems like it’s all the same, but Kevin’s not Howie or AJ, and you’re not me or Joey. Kevin-”

“I love Kevin,” Justin said. “I love him, and I’ll do anything for him, and I’ll do anything to be with him. I don’t give a fuck what you think about him. You don’t know shit about how he treats me. I do, and I love him, and I wouldn’t give up one second of my time with him for you or anyone else.”

“He chains you to toilets,” Lance said. “He treats you like shit, Justin. He’s terrible to you. He makes you afraid, he traumatizes you, he-”

“Shut up!” exploded from him. “Shut up! It’s none of your business what he does to me! Pay some motherfucking attention! You tried to get Kevin to stay away from me. You walked up to him and told him not to see me. You tried to keep him out of my life and me out of his.” AJ had his arm across the doorway, and if he hadn’t been between them, Justin would’ve been in Lance’s face, nose to nose. He was pressed against AJ as it was. “The only reason you’re still standing right now is that I love you and part of me doesn’t want to beat you into a bloody mess. Get the fuck away from my house!”

Looking startled, Lance hesitated. “You-”

“Fuck you!” Justin shouted. “You motherfucking hypocrite! You self-righteous asshole. You have no right to speak to Kevin! You have no right to tell me-”

“Justin,” Lance said, turning white and then red.

“You wanted to take Kevin from me!” Justin yelled. “Don’t you get it? You tried to take Kevin away from me! Who the hell do you think you are?! You could’ve fucked this up for me! You could’ve cost me everything! I’ve done so fucking much, you have no fucking idea what I’ve done, what I did yesterday and the day before that and-”

“He abuses you!” Lance shouted back. “You were strong and independent and on top and more mature than anyone else your age, and he turned you into a victimized, traumatized lunatic!”

“You son-of-a-bitch!” Justin shouted. “Fuck you! I could’ve lost everything! You don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what you’re talking about, you don’t-”

“I know what I’ve seen,” Lance said. “I know what you’ve said, I know how you’ve acted. You’re not safe around him. He’s dangerous. I don’t care how damned paranoid it makes me sound. Kevin Richardson is fucking dangerous, and I want you to stay away from him.”

“Watch your mouth, Bass,” AJ warned.

“This is bullshit! I’m only doing what we should have done a long time ago. I’m not going to let-”

With an enraged cry, Justin lunged. His fingers grazed flesh; he was sent flying back and, stumbling, landed hard on his ass just as he heard the door slam and lock. Immediately trying to scramble back to his feet, he wasn’t even halfway up before AJ pushed him down again. Cursing, yelling, threatening Lance, Justin struggled as he heard beating on the front door.

“Hold the fuck still,” AJ snapped, catching his wrists. “Hold still!”

“How’d you do this?” Erik asked, wiping up the last drops of coffee with a paper towel.

“I was daydreaming, and the doorbell surprised me.”

“Daydreaming about what?” Rising, he tossed away the paper towel.

JC blushed, yet smiled knowingly. “I was thinking about Howie and masturbating.”

Whoa. Erik coughed, shifting his weight. “You were what?”

“I was thinking about Howie.” Stepping closer, JC slid familiar hands up his sides and down his back. “Thinking about Howie fucking me.”

“That’s, um, how’d that go for you?” Erik asked, losing the thread of the conversation for a second when JC squeezed his ass and nibbled his ear. God, JC smelled good. And was only wearing sandals, a T-shirt, and boxer-briefs. And was kind of grinding against him. “Oh, god…”

“I didn’t get to come,” JC said, and when he slid his hand over JC’s ass, feeling the curve of muscle through soft cotton, JC groaned and twisted against him and made his entire body hot with lust. “I still want it.” The way JC kissed him made him need to take his clothes off. “I want you to give it to me.”

Oh, hell, yes, he had no problem with that. Hard and eager for it and already pushing down JC’s underwear, he unzipped his fly with one hand and backed up, needing to get to the bedroom now, immediately, right away.

“Do it here,” JC said, stripping out of his T-shirt and reaching for Erik again. His kiss was demanding and his hand wasted no time in zeroing in on Erik’s dick. “Fuck me here.”

Erik wanted to ask about that, but he couldn’t exactly engage in higher functions, like speaking, when JC was kissing him hungrily and rubbing against him and pumping his dick with an experienced, generous hand. So he decided to go along with whatever the hell JC wanted.

It paid off.

Chris didn’t exactly remember driving home. He must’ve done it, because he came back to reality to find himself sitting on his sofa, too tightly clutching his car keys.

The second he came back to the moment, a wave of agony crashed into him. Whimpering, he closed his eyes.

Time slipped away from him again.

“Justin!” AJ said. Lance was gone but the rage remained; after assaulting the table, the chair, and the wall, Justin kicked the couch, cursing. “Stop it!” AJ shouted, grabbing him. “Justin!” Furious, Justin tried to struggle free, but AJ forced him down onto the couch, pinning him.

He wanted to fight back, and he did for a moment, but then the feel of AJ’s grip biting into his skin caught his attention. Gulping for air, Justin let his hands fall to his sides, telling himself to calm the fuck down.

“You crazy bastard,” AJ said, his grasp relaxing. “Are you okay?”

Not at all. “Fuck you.”

“Fuck you,” AJ said without interest. “Breathe.”

Justin took slow, deep breaths, making himself settle down, making himself think more calmly. “Lance is right.”

AJ’s expression was skeptical as he helped Justin up. “About what?”

“It’s not all equal. It’s not all the same. Me and Kevin isn’t Joey and you or Lance and Howie or anyone else. Lance isn’t like me, and Howie isn’t like Kevin.”

AJ looked at him like he’d forgotten to finish his sentences. “What’s your point?”

“Maybe it isn’t one hundred percent hypocrisy. Maybe it is worse for Chris to see Brian than it is for Lance to see Howie.”

With a snort of laughter, AJ said, “I like how you changed you and Kevin into Chris and Brian. Can’t make yourself say that you shouldn’t see Kevin, can you?”

Not at the moment, no. “But I don’t know Lance and Howie’s relationship. I don’t know Chris and Brian’s, either. I know that Chris seems more messed up than Lance does, but that’s just the way things look. And I know that Brian seems more… Brian’s… He seems a little bit…uh…” Which words could he use? He didn’t want to get in trouble for bad-mouthing Brian in front of AJ. “Brian seems like he makes things harder on Chris than Howie does on Lance, but I don’t really know about that, either. That’s just how things look. I don’t know what Brian does to Chris, and all I know about Howie is what Lance told me. I haven’t told Lance about seventy-five percent of how things are between me and Kevin.”

“You don’t think anyone but you has the right to judge your relationship with Kevin,” AJ said. “You think that the only relationships Lance should be judging are the ones he’s in.”

Well, “Yeah,” Justin admitted.

AJ shrugged. “Sounds about right to me.”

“But…” Justin sighed, frustrated. “I’m not one hundred percent healthy or…”

“Sane?” AJ suggested.

“Yeah,” Justin said. “I’m not one hundred percent healthy or sane, and… Lance is looking out for me, he wants to help. He’s trying to do the right thing. And if I were him, if I were on the outside looking in, I’d probably think the same way. I mean, Dan’s so important to me because he cares in action, because he saw how bad you were for me and he tried to do something about it. I can’t be pissed at Lance for trying to help me. I was already mad at him before for dragging us all into this mess when he knew it wasn’t safe or smart, and now I’m mad at him for trying to pull me out of it?”

“You’re both hypocrites,” AJ said.

Justin frowned. “I’m not-”

“You want your friends to try to rescue you,” AJ said. “But you don’t want to be rescued. You want to trap them into a losing battle, so you can have it both ways.”

“What?” Justin asked. “Wait, no, that’s not - - you can’t twist it that way.”

“Then which way is it?” AJ asked. “You don’t expect your friends to prove themselves by trying to rescue you? You really do want to be saved, and you really do want to leave Kevin for good?”

“They don’t have to save me,” Justin argued. “I don’t-”

“You think Dan’s the best friend you have, because he tried to help you,” AJ said.

“That doesn’t mean that the guys aren’t my friends,” Justin said. “They have tried to help me, I know that they want to help me, I’m just really hard to help.” He was, he knew that, he recognized it.

“You’re hard to help because you don’t want them to succeed,” AJ said. “If their rescue efforts worked, you might actually have to leave Kevin.”

“You’re not being fair,” Justin said. “It’s a lot more complicated than that, and you know it.”

“Sometimes you’re honest enough to say that you want to be with him forever.” AJ wasn’t giving him negotiating room. “Sometimes you’re honest enough to say that you’d give anything to find a way to get him out of your life for good. But which one’s the real truth, Justin?”

“They both are.” Why did AJ always have to be such a bastard? “You know they’re both true. Kevin set up-”

“Kevin,” AJ said. “Not you, Kevin. It’s his fault, not yours. You’re just the victim.”

“I’m not a victim!”

“You are when it’s convenient,” AJ said. “Do you even realize how often you switch back and forth?”

“I hate that label! It makes me sound so damned helpless!”

“But you describe yourself that way all of the time,” AJ said. “Poor me, it’s not my fault, I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be this way, Kevin did it to me, Kevin hurt me, Kevin used me, Kevin fucked me up. None of it’s ever up to you. Unless you want to present yourself as stable enough to make your own choices, and then you’re independent, and it’s your decision, and you’re so incredibly in love with him, and all of that trauma suddenly gets downplayed like it wasn’t really as bad as you made it sound five minutes ago.”

“Shut up!” Damn it, “You’re so fucking - - what’s your point? What are you trying to prove? That I’m so fucked up I can’t even stay consistent? Good for you! Hooray for AJ! I am incredibly in love with Kevin and I do hate how fucked up I am. I do want it both ways. I want to be in love with him and be healthy. I want him to let me love him and let me be myself. That’s what I want, damn it, I want it that way, I fucking fantasize about it, and fuck you for making fun of the only hopeless dream I have left!”

AJ raised his eyebrows. “You could’ve just said that earlier, and we could’ve avoided this entire conversation.”

“Fuck you,” Justin muttered tiredly.

“You fantasize about being whole and having Kevin at the same time?” AJ asked. “You realize that’s impossible. You can’t have both. You can have either one, or neither one, but not both of them at once. You’re going to have to sacrifice at least one.”

“I know that,” Justin said. “You don’t have to point out the most obvious facts of my life.”

A shrug. “At least you understand what your choices are. Not all of your friends seem to have figured theirs out yet.”

“Choices?” Justin asked, staring at him with growing disbelief. “You call those choices? Either be completely cut off from the man who’s, who’s, he’s practically created me, he changed everything about me, he made me, he’s everything to me - - either lose him, alienate him, and never have even a chance with him again - - or else be sane? You think that either love or sanity is a choice? You think that option one, being a functioning human being, and option two, the love of my life who defines my existence, those are choices?”

“I didn’t say that they were great choices.”

Justin wanted to smack the superior son-of-a-bitch, but he was distracted by something else that AJ had said. “What haven’t they figured out? What are the other guys’ choices?”

“If they can’t figure that out for themselves, I’m not going to help them.”

Typical. “I hate you. I really, really hate you.”

“Works for me.”

Justin wanted to punch him. “I hope that Joey abandons your skank ass. I hope that Dan fucks you up. They’re both too good for you. You don’t deserve Kevin’s friendship. I don’t know why the hell he keeps you around. Maybe because you’re so crass and disgusting, it’s obvious how much better he is by comparison.”

“You’re really lucky that I don’t hold the shit that comes out of your mouth against you.”

“Yeah.” He probably was. “And you’re lucky that I don’t hold what a fucking jack-off you are against you.”

AJ smiled. “Aw, Justin, that was sweet.”

“Oh… Fuck you.” This had to be the second most fucked-up relationship of his life. “I can’t wait until I never have to see your violent, manipulative, bald, crude ass again.”

AJ frowned. “I am not bald.”

He couldn’t hold back his grin. “What about violent, manipulative, and crude?”

A short head shake. “I never said that I was a gentleman.”

Continue on to part seventy-nine

matthew@matthewtime.com
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