"Sucker"

Sucker

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Continued from part seventy-two

“You’re going where?” Nick asked.

“Out with Lance.” Joey zipped up, pulling on a shirt.

“Brunch with the Bassinator?” Nick asked.

“Don’t call him that.” He sat down to pull on socks and shoes.

“Whatever.” Nick sat beside him on the foot of the bed. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’m sure you will.” Tugging on his shoes, he looked at Nick. “What?”

“Nothing.” Nick hooked a finger through his back belt loop. “You look good.”

“Thanks.” He turned his head to look at Nick, to speak, but Nick caught his mouth in a kiss, hand sliding up the side of his neck. Ah, “hmm,” that felt good.

“Mmm,” Nick said, apparently agreeing, still kissing him. Deepening the kiss with a few tongue strokes, Nick made an aroused sound, thumb caressing beneath the neckline of his shirt. “Call Ashley before you go.”

It took him a moment to disengage their mouths enough to answer. “Why?” he asked, going right back in for more. When he pushed, Nick moaned willingly, dropping back. When he swung a leg over, climbing on top, Nick’s body arched up to meet him.

“He wants to hear from you.”

“He wants to hear from my dick.”

“That, too.” Fingers sliding through his hair and tugging slightly, Nick kissed him passionately, messily, one hand gripping his ass as Nick ground up against him. “Get off with me before you go.” Nick panted between words, lips wet, eyes glazed. Joey wanted to fuck him. “Get off with me.”

It wouldn’t take long. Lance would expect him to be late, anyway. “Yeah,” he said, kissing Nick, groaning at the heat. “Yeah…”

“I think that I’d like to keep you for myself.” Kevin stroked his chin. “Trevor doesn’t deserve you.”

Dressed, standing by the front door, Chris accepted the kisses that Kevin bestowed upon him. “Thank you for breakfast.”

Kevin’s kiss was slow, lingering. “It was my pleasure.” Another kiss, the stroke of Kevin’s tongue making Chris kiss back for more of it. “I should thank Brian,” Kevin murmured, one hand planted at the small of Chris’s back urging him closer. “His loss is most definitely my gain.”

“Whoa.” Erik grinned. “Going somewhere?”

“I’m figuring out what to wear to dinner with JC,” Howie said. “Go look in my closet and see if you can find anything.”

“I kind of like what you have on now,” Erik said, stepping into the house, still grinning.

“Thank you, Erik-Michael.” Howie paused to close the door and kiss his cheek. “But I want the night to be about JC, not how tight my shirt is.”

“I always thought that it was hot when I could see a girl’s nipples, but this isn’t bad, either.” Erik eyed Howie with interest. “I like the pants, too. Can you turn around?”

“No,” Howie said with a smile, pushing Erik towards the bedroom. “But I appreciate your enthusiasm.”

“You should always buy your shirts that tight.”

“I used to,” Howie said. “Then I grew up.” Now in the bedroom, he steered Erik toward the closet and began to undress.

Pausing in the closet doorway, Erik watched Howie strip, as fascinated as always by the lines, curves, and textures of Howie’s body. “You want a suit?”

“That would be a good start.” Pulling on a robe, Howie ran a hand through his hair and joined Erik in the closet. “How’s JC?”

            “He’s great,” Erik said, then glanced at Howie. “He misses you.”

            “You aren’t pushing him, are you?” Howie’s gaze grew cautious. “You haven’t put pressure on him?”

            “No,” Erik said. “We talk about you, but I haven’t been even half as pushy as I want to be. I let all of the gifts and flower and presents and letters and jewelry do the talking.” Howie had a lot of clothes. A lot of suits, in a lot of colors. “What color does JC like you in?”

“Pink.”

Of course. “You don’t have a pink suit, do you?” Erik asked, looking down the rack.

“I should have one somewhere,” Howie said, glancing around, running a casual hand down Erik’s back.

Enjoying Howie’s absentminded touch, Erik took an extra heartbeat to catch the meaning of Howie’s words. “You own a pink suit?”

“JC likes pink,” Howie said. “JC likes pink on me. JC likes,” smile, flash of teeth, “taking pink off of me.”

That was powerful incentive. “Well,” Erik looked around some more, “I don’t see it.”

“It might be in one of the other closets.”

Right. “You want me to go track it down?”

With a smile and a quick arm squeeze, Howie said, “No, that’s okay. I’ll find it. What I need you to do is go visit JC.”

“I’m on it,” Erik said. “Oh,” he remembered, “there’s something I have to tell you first.”

Brian opened the door, and said something friendly, and Justin didn’t want to do this. He entered the house, and Brian closed the door, and then they were facing each other, and Justin didn’t want to do this.

“You look a little pale,” Brian said with a concerned smile. “Do you want to sit down?”

“No, thank you.” He had to be nice to Brian. He could never be rude to Brian. He’d never be rude to Kevin.

“Oh, that’s right, you - - is your back all right?” Brian asked. “Have you taken anything for it?”

He’d never been asked that before. Other people had never known before. It had been private, very personal, something only between him and Kevin. But now AJ knew, and Brian knew. Who else knew?

He’d told AJ. Kevin must have told Brian. They knew that he’d been whipped. They knew why. Did they know with what? Did they know how many times, for how long? What else did they know?

No, no, he couldn’t give in to that now, he couldn’t submit to that near-crippling paranoia. He had to get through this, he had to do this for Kevin. He couldn’t lose it today.

“Are you all right?” Troubled worry lines creased Brian’s forehead; he stepped closer, concern in his eyes. “Can I get you something?”

Dan had told him that he was strong. Dan had told him that he could do anything. Dan had believed in him. Justin searched the blue of Brian’s eyes and found it, right there, a dark speck near the pupil that matched a light fleck he remembered seeing when he’d stood outside by the car and Dan had come out of the jewelry store and the sunlight had hit just right, that day when Dan had given him his bracelet.

Feeling a new solidity in his spine, Justin took a deep breath. “I love you.”

Brian’s eyes widened; he smiled. “You love me?”

He pushed on, momentum building, the words tumbling forward. “I love you, Brian, and I respect you, and I promise that I always will. I’m giving myself to you and pledging myself to you and promising to love, honor, and obey. I live for you, like I live for Kevin.” Gathering up the hem of his T-shirt in one hand, he lowered the waistband of his sweatpants enough to show his tattoo. “This is a sign, so that I’ll always remember.” He’d done it. He felt like he was shaking, but he’d done it. He’d done it for Kevin. He’d been scared, but he’d gotten through it, because he could do anything, he could survive anything. He was Justin Timberlake.

“Well, look at that.” Brian’s voice was soft; he crouched down, eyeing Justin’s tattoo. Startled, Justin almost backed up but caught himself just in time, staying in place. “Isn’t that nice?” Brian stroked the tattoo, making an admiring sound. “This is good work. You must be very proud to wear this.” Brian smiled up at him. “Aren’t you?”

Even stunned and bewildered, Justin still knew the answer to that question. “Yes, Brian.”

“Of course you are.” Dropping a kiss on the tattoo, Brian rose, fingers of one hand sliding right beneath Justin’s raised shirt. “It looks very good on you.”

Brian had never looked at him like this. No one had never looked at him like this. It made him want to get away. “Thank you, Brian.”

A soft, dreamy smile. “You never loved me before.” Brian’s fingers trailed the line of his jaw, slowly, adoringly, making his skin itch and crawl. Justin suppressed a shudder. He didn’t want Brian to touch him. He’d done what Kevin had asked; couldn’t he leave now? “What does this mean?” Brian’s voice was soft; he was standing very close, too close. “Are you mine?”

No. No, he was Kevin’s. Kevin’s only. Kevin’s always. “Yes,” he said, because Kevin would want him to. He needed Brian to stop touching him.

A tiny, sparkling smile. “I never got to play with you before. But I always thought…” Brian stroked his lips, very tenderly, still smiling. “…that you’d be fun to play with.”

Play? Something prickly crawled up Justin’s spine. He wanted to leave, but he didn’t have Brian’s permission. He wanted to push Brian away, to say no, to tell Brian to stop touching him, but he wasn’t allowed.

“Mine,” Brian murmured, seeming to be intrigued, caressing his cheeks, his chin. His neck. Brian’s fingers plucked at Justin’s shirt, at his pants. “Mmm… Take this off for me.”

Justin’s blood froze. One word croaked out. “What?”

Brian stroked his sideburns. “Kevin doesn’t like to repeat himself, does he?”

Oh, god. This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening. He was supposed to pledge himself, and they were supposed to give him their okay, and then it was supposed to be over. Brian wanted him to take his clothes off? For what?! So that… No, god, no, oh… Justin glanced at the front door, it was right there, he could go, he could run, he-

But if he refused Brian…

He’d been whipped for bothering Brian. If he refused a direct request, after specifically pledging himself…

He’d gone through this with AJ. Kevin had transferred power to AJ, and AJ had fucked him. Brian was just doing the same thing. He’d lived through that; he’d live through this.

Justin didn’t want to accept the fact that Brian had the right to touch him this way. He’d given himself to Brian, but he’d intended it in theory, not in practice. He’d never expected that as soon as he gave Brian full access to his body, Brian would take him up on the offer without hesitation. The idea hadn’t even had a chance to sink in yet; he was completely unprepared for this, for Brian to be intimate with him this immediately.

But he had to do this. He had to.

It was just one day. Just one day in his life. Just one day. He could get through one day.

It would be fine. It would be okay. He could do it. He could do anything. Dan had told him so.

Moving back, taking a break from Brian’s touching, Justin toed out of his sneakers and pulled off his shirt, pushing down his sweatpants. Stepping free, he stood naked before Brian, directing his gaze at a random spot on the floor.

“Aren’t you pretty,” Brian murmured approvingly, running both hands over his chest. Shame and anger burned through him; it took everything he had not to shove Brian away. “What a cute little body.” Brian’s fingers traveled the ridges of his six-pack. “Kevin tolerates only the best.”

He had to look as good as he could for Kevin.

“Mmm.” Brian toyed with his nipples. “They’re adorable.”

Justin bit down on his tongue to keep from screaming.

“You’re cute all over, aren’t you?” Brian asked, with a pleased little smile. “Let me see. Turn around for me.”

As he’d been trained to do, Justin obeyed.

“Oh,” Brian said softly. A touch at his arm, on his unmarred skin. “It’s beautiful. A pretty little patchwork of pain.”

Justin closed his eyes. Whip marks weren’t pretty. They were punishment.

“He never broke the skin.” Brian’s touch was light as a feather across his back, so light it didn’t even hurt. “It’s perfect. The whole way down to your knees.”

Bearing the whip had been easier than this. He knew the whip. He didn’t know Brian, and Kevin wasn’t here. He should’ve asked AJ to come in with him. AJ wasn’t exactly comforting, and maybe Brian would do this in front of AJ anyhow, but there was still something reassuring about AJ’s presence. Which was unique in Justin’s terrifying world.

“Did it hurt?” Brian asked. “When he whipped you?”

Justin swallowed. “Yes.”

Another light-light touch, the softest and most tender of caresses. “Did you cry?”

Brian’s touch didn’t even begin to hurt him, but these questions were torture. No one had ever asked them before. No one had ever known, before. He wanted to it be private, he wanted it to be an experience that only he and Kevin shared. Now other people knew; now other people were involved. “Yes.”

“Mmm.” Had Brian just kissed his back? “Turn around for me.”

Relieved, Justin obeyed. He preferred having Brian within sight.

Brian stood too close, gazing at him, eyes soft and compelling. “Say it again.” Brian kissed his neck ever so gently, stroking his tattoo, fingers almost grazing his dick. “Tell me that you love me, Justin. Tell me that you’re mine.”

The way Brian kept touching him, these incessant caresses, were making him want to peel off his own skin. It wasn’t even lascivious pawing, it was gentle, it was loving, and that was unbearable. Maddening. Brian didn’t love him, and he didn’t love Brian, so why did he have to say it again? Why did Brian keep touching him like this?

“I love you, Brian.” Brian was smiling at him, a weird little small but too-happy smile that made his skin itch. “I’m yours. I belong to you.”

“Mine.” Brian’s smile was infinitely pleased. “Mine.” The emphasis Brian put on claiming him made Justin want to back the hell up and get out. “I can do whatever I want.” Fingers stroking his tattoo, too close to his dick; stroking his stomach. Brian kissed his neck again, too gentle, too loving, making a soft and disturbingly sexy noise right by his ear. “We can play together.”

Justin swallowed. He had to ask. “Play?”

“Mmm.” More kisses. Licking, too, Brian’s tongue finding that toe-curling spot near his pulse. “I know a lot of fun games.”

Games. Kevin didn’t play games. Justin didn’t want to know what kinds of games Brian liked.

“You must be so much fun to play with.” He felt soft kisses across his collarbone, fingers stroking his nipples gently, teasingly. When Brian nuzzled his neck, he lowered his head, and Brian kissed the corner of his mouth, murmuring softly. Murmuring romantic, degrading, loving, totally fucking insane shit that Justin couldn’t believe anyone would actually put together in sentences.

At once, Justin was even more afraid. More, because he had no idea what Brian was capable of, but judging from what he’d just heard, he guessed that most of it was pretty damned crazy. He was afraid of Kevin because Kevin was very strict, very harsh, and very cruel. But Kevin was also fairly clear and often consistent in his own ways. Brian seemed less and less predictable, and that was unnerving.

And then Brian kissed down his chest, kneeling before him, and he tried not to panic.

“Hello,” Brian murmured, and cool fingers circled his dick. “Is this mine, too?”

“Y-yes, Brian,” Justin said, his breath catching, his voice wavering.

Stroking his dick, Brian looked up at him. “Don’t worry, Justin. I just want to play with you.” A warm smile. “It won’t hurt at all.”

“What is it?” Howie asked, casually taking a seat on the bed.

“When I talked to JC yesterday, he told me something to pass along to you.”

“Really.” Howie sat forward slightly, attentive gaze scanning his face. “What was it?”

Erik cleared his throat. He hoped that he remembered it right. He wished that it started off with less of a bang. Licking his lips, he met Howie’s eyes. “I love you.”

“JC,” Howie whispered, taking his hand.

The emotion he saw on Howie’s face, how could JC walk away from that? “My heart is…empty, without you.”

Lacing their fingers together, Howie brought Erik’s hand to his chest. Erik felt the slow pound of Howie’s heartbeat. “I could never be complete without you.” Howie’s voice was soft; Erik wanted to complete him.

But that was JC’s job. Damn, it was easy to get sucked in when Howie looked at him like that, direct and loving and very subtly pleading with him for…for something, something he couldn’t define, something he felt inside. It made him want to do things for Howie, give things to Howie, provide things for Howie. Like love and sex and devotion. Things it wasn’t his place to provide.

Howie wanted something, something JC wasn’t giving. Maybe something Erik could give.

But there was no way he’d let himself take a step down that path.

Taking a steadying breath, he recited the next sentence. “If the idea of James upset me this much, then there’s something between us that I’m still not sure about.”

Hurt, a flicker of frustration, crossed Howie’s face. But he nodded slightly in reluctant understanding.

“I’m hoping,” Erik said, “that your love can overcome my doubt.”

A moment of silence, then Howie nodded again, his expression determined, kissing Erik’s hand and releasing it. “It can,” he said. “I love JC, I love him enough to get past this. I’ll do whatever I have to do.”

“You’re already showing him,” Erik said. “You’re so close.”

“Thank you, Erik-Michael. Thank you for everything.” Howie’s hand slid up his arm, squeezing gently. “It’s been so hard, not talking to him, not really knowing what he’s going through. Now I know how he feels, what he’s thinking, and now I know that I’m on the right path.” Howie kissed him, once, twice, softly. “Thank you.”

He felt himself blush, felt the heat in his cheeks. “No problem.” Howie’s fingers caressed his cheek and he swallowed. “My pleasure.”

After they came, Joey was ready to zip up and go to see Lance. He was about to do just that when Nick started kissing his chest, slowly, wetly, as curious fingers stroked below his navel and over his thighs. Willing to stay for another minute or so, Joey relaxed, eyes drifting half closed.

“Mmm.” Nick’s fingers scratched gently through the hair on his chest; Joey’s back arched slightly. “Call Ashley before you go.”

Yeah, “Okay.” Eyes opening lazily, he reached out with one hand, finding the phone and bringing it closer. Damn, he was too sex-stupid to remember. “What-”

Between wet, lingering kisses to his right nipple, Nick recited Ashley’s phone number. Then, “Sweetness,” Nick murmured, as the phone rang.

“Yeah?” Joey asked, running his fingers through Nick’s hair.

“Hello?” Ashley asked.

“Hi, pretty, hold on for me,” Joey said, his attention on Nick as Nick looked up from his chest to give him a slow, insinuating smile. “What?” he whispered to Nick.

Nick leaned up to kiss him, licking, rubbing tongue against tongue. “Do you know how much I want you?” Nick asked, voice soft and intimate and only accepting yes as an answer. “Do you?”

Joey knew that this conversation was staged for Ashley’s benefit, but the sex in Nick’s voice still got him hot. “Yeah,” he said, dragging his fingertips across Nick’s back. “God, yes…” He groaned with appreciation as Nick’s warm, smooth body slid against him.

Memories, new and old, from recent experience and from his never-forgotten past, circled Chris’s thoughts. Brian. Kevin. Water dripping from Brian’s lashes. Sweat trickling down Kevin’s temple. Pre-cum pearling at the head of Brian’s erection. Cum spurting down his throat as Kevin filled his mouth.

Kevin, over him, thrusting. Brian, in him and under him and around him. The caress of Kevin’s tongue. The tease of Brian’s fingers. The power of Kevin’s body. The perfection of Brian’s kiss.

He knew that he could provide Kevin with better sexual experiences. He just couldn’t bring himself to put forth the energy. And what would be the point, without Brian?

But he had decided to love Kevin, and Kevin seemed to appreciate his efforts. Maybe he’d try harder next time. And maybe if Kevin liked it, Kevin would tell Brian.

When he pulled into the Townhouse driveway, he saw Trevor sitting in front of the open garage. Wondering what that was about, he parked and got out, approaching.

Standing, dusting off his ass, Trevor gave Chris a small, welcoming smile. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Tucking his fingers into Trevor’s pocket, Chris studied the car in the garage. “Still flossin’?”

Trevor laughed. “Yeah, still flossin’.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Glancing around, Trevor tugged him into the garage, reaching for the button on the wall, lowering the door. “You look good.”

“You don’t look so bad, yourself.” He slid his other hand into Trevor’s front pocket, gazing into Trevor’s eyes. “Did you want privacy for any particular reason?”

Trevor’s fingers stroked along his eyebrow. “Just to say hello.”

Trevor wanted to kiss him. That turned him on. “Hello.”

“I was thinking about you,” Trevor said.

It was brave of Trevor to admit that. Chris hadn’t learned how to be open about his feelings until Brian. “What about me?”

“About how,” the backs of Trevor’s fingers caressed his neck, “I don’t want to lose you.”

He tightened his hold on Trevor’s pockets, looking into dark eyes. “I’m not that easy to lose. I’m like a boomerang. I keep coming back for more.”

“My sister had a boomerang.” Trevor’s hands slid over his hips, resting on his ass. “She tried to teach me how to throw it and I got hit in the head.”

Hmm. “I’ll try not to hit you in the head.”

Trevor’s forehead rested against his. “I think you already have.”

More moaning. Ashley clenched his jaw. More whispering, groaning, sighing. Ashley wanted to grit his teeth. He didn’t need this reminder of Nick’s superiority; he didn’t need this reminder of Nick’s sexual pull.

Finally, he heard a soft, low moan from Joey and a quick, soft giggle from Nick. Silence for a moment, then, “Hey, pretty. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. I was just thinking about you. I wanted to let you know what a great time I had yesterday.”

“I had a great time, too, pretty. I loved spending time with you.”

“It was really special,” Ashley said. “It’s really important to me, to get that kind of time with you, alone, quality time, you know?”

“I know, pretty. Me, too.”

The faint sound of Nick’s voice in the background made Ashley’s nape itch. “I’d really like to see you again.”

“Me, too, pretty. How about tomorrow? We can hang out, maybe to out to lunch together.” Joey’s voice took on that knowing, flirtatious tone that made Ashley smile. “We could have dessert back here at the house.”

“That sounds great.” Already something to look forward to. “I can’t wait.”

“Great.” Nick’s voice in the background again. “I’d better go, pretty. I have somewhere to be and Nick’s already made me late. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Ashley said. “Bye, Joey.”

“Bye, pretty.” Joey hung up.

AJ hung up as Justin came out of the house. He walked too quickly, huddled in on himself, hurrying to the car. AJ reached over, pushing the door open for him; he got in fast, barely bothering to wince as his back, ass, and thighs made contact with the seat. His face was red from shame; his hands trembled as he wiped away fresh tears.

Interesting. AJ started the car. “What’d he do to you?”

“Please shut up.” Justin’s voice shook; he wouldn’t raise his gaze from his own knees.

Okay. “You want to go home or try Howie next?”

It took a minute or two for Justin to answer. AJ drove on, already knowing which he’d choose. Finally, Justin said, “Howie.” A brief pause. “You have to come in with me.”

“All right.” It wouldn’t make a difference. “You sure you don’t want to tell me what happened?”

Justin said it, running the words together, twisting his fingers, rubbing his wrist.

AJ snorted. “He what?”

More clearly now, but a lot softer. “He sucked my dick.”

Classic. AJ wanted to laugh. “And that has you fucked up? He traumatized you by giving you head?”

“It wasn’t like that, it - - he said things, and he touched me, and-”

“And he got you off,” AJ said. “Damn, what a terrible person he is. We’d better lock him up fast.”

“It’s not that simple! He-”

“Did he fuck you?” AJ asked bluntly.

“No, but he-”

“Did he make you get him off?”

“No, he-”

“Then get over it.”

“He touched me! He said horrible, terrible things to me! And he kept smiling and he kept touching and touching and he kept talking about playing with me, he wanted to play with me, he had all of these games-”

“Well, Brian’s a friendly guy.”

“Friendly?!” Justin demanded. “He’s fucking-”

“Are you sure that you want to finish that sentence?”

Justin shut up.

“Good boy.” AJ glanced at Justin. “How was he?”

Justin didn’t want to talk to him. “What?”

“How was he?”

A stunned stare. “Are you asking me how well he gives head?”

“Yes, I’m asking you how well he gives head.”

“He, he fucking, he - - I wasn’t taking notes!”

“But you came.”

Justin said something.

AJ burst into laughter. “Say that again.”

Justin glared at him. “Twice! Twice! I came twice! You fucking asshole! I did what Kevin told me to do, I did what Kevin wanted, and that psychotic motherfucker fucking molested me, and don’t you dare fucking laugh at me! Don’t you dare! I’ll go through anything for Kevin, I’ve put myself through hell for him, and the next time Chris or Trevor or anyone else in the whole goddamned fucking world puts one goddamned motherfucking hand on him, I’ll-”

AJ clapped his hand over Justin’s mouth. “You don’t want to go there.” He rode out Justin’s furious attempts to resist, driving with one hand. “You don’t want to go there. Not about Chris. I know you love Kevin, but you love Chris, too, and you don’t want to finish that thought, not out loud. Come on, breathe with me.”

Justin glared at him, but had enough sense to inhale and exhale.

“Besides, the next time you want to get all high and mighty about Chris touching Kevin, you might want to think about Brian giving you head. You think that Chris would appreciate that?”

Justin shoved his hand away. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice.” AJ turned into Howie’s driveway. “You just keep making the wrong ones.”

“What are you doing?”

Glancing back at Dan over one shoulder, Ashley made a shushing motion.

Whispering it this time, Dan asked again, “What are you doing?” as he crept up behind Ashley.

“Ssshhh,” Ashley breathed, pulling him closer so he could see. Peeking out through a slit in the inched open door to the garage, Dan saw Trevor and Chris, making out. Chris’s back was against the storage cabinet, and they didn’t seem to be going anywhere; they were just kissing a lot and feeling each other up.

Stepping away, Dan tugged Ashley back, quietly pulling the door shut.

“Weren’t they cute?” Ashley asked, grinning, going to the kitchen.

“Very cute,” Dan admitted, following him there. “Now tell me why you’re spying on them.”

            “Chris is always around, but I haven’t seen them do a lot of…that,” Ashley said. “I was curious.” Glancing away, he ran his hand through his hair. “It was nice.”

            Something about the way Ashley said it caught Dan’s attention. “What was nice?”

            A slight, nervous shrug. “Seeing them be affectionate. We know that Trevor’s in love with Chris, and Chris is all about Trevor, and… I don’t know, it’s just nice to know that they have that kind of connection.”

Dan nodded, putting that together in his head. “You want a relationship like that.”

“There’s a certain level of…of intimacy,” Ashley said. “Yesterday, Joey and I had a great afternoon together, and it felt really special, I felt really close to him. I want more of that. I wish that I could have it all of the time.”

That made sense. Except that Joey probably did have that every day, with Nick. “You should get the kind of relationship that you want. You shouldn’t have to settle.”

Ashley was hurt, and a flare of irritation flashed in his eyes. “I’m not settling. I haven’t given up on getting what I want. It’ll happen.”

“Have you thought about… Do you really want to be with someone who’d cheat on his boyfriend?”

“They have an open relationship. Joey’s not cheating on Nick.”

Dan really didn’t want to see Ashley get hurt. “I respect their choices, and if that’s the kind of relationship that works for them, then that’s fine. For them. But that would never work for you, Ashley. And if that’s what Joey wants, then-”

“That’s just what he has with Nick,” Ashley said. “That’s not the way that it has to be. That’s not the way that it would be with me.”

“Are you sure? Have you talked to him about it?”

Ashley refused to be daunted. “Joey loves me. When-”

“I think that I’m tired of that excuse,” Dan said. “I’m tired of love being everyone’s get out of jail free card. It’s okay because I love him, it’s okay because he loves me, it’ll work out because we’re in love. Love doesn’t solve everything, Ashley. Actually, love doesn’t solve anything. By itself, it can’t do anything. You have to put it together with other things, with other emotions and actions and strengths, and even then, it doesn’t always work.” He kept his voice evenly modulated because Ashley was already looking offended without him getting louder. “Joey says that he loves you, but he’s still with Nick. You say that you love Joey, but you’re still unhappy. What does all of that love get you? What does it do for you?”

Ashley’s cheeks were red; emotion filled his voice. “You have no idea what loving Joey has done for me. It’s brought me so much happiness, it’s made me learn so much about myself, it’s brought me to this whole new place in my life. It’s brought this whole new world right to me. There’s so much out there that I didn’t even know, so much in here,” he pressed a fist to his chest, “that I didn’t know. And Joey loves me. He says that he does, and I know that he does. Being loved by Joey makes me feel so good about myself, it makes me want new things for my life.”

“New things like what?” Dan asked. “You’re learning and growing and getting so much from this experience, but all I ever see is you being pushed aside and treated badly.”

“You don’t see us together,” Ashley said. “When I’m with Joey, everything’s different. Just being with him, he makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel good inside.”

“Trevor does that for me,” Dan said.

Ashley’s jaw clenched. “Does Trevor make you come over and over and over until your body can’t take anymore but you’re still begging for more?”

“Not recently, no,” Trevor said, walking into the kitchen. “What are we talking about?”

“Maybe I should go upstairs,” Chris suggested, pausing in the doorway.

“Sex is great,” Dan told Ashley, “but you can’t let yourself make choices based on it.”

“Hang on, we’ll be out in a minute,” Trevor said to Chris, opening the fridge.

Ashley’s expression was hurt and hostile. “I’m not making choices based on sex. Joey loves me.”

Chris crossed his arms over his chest, pressing his fingers to his mouth.

“Loving someone means looking out for him,” Dan said. “Putting him first. Making sure that he’s happy. Joey hasn’t done any of that for you.”

“Don’t push your definition of love onto me,” Ashley warned. “I’ll love Joey however I want to. You don’t know anything about what happens between us.”

“Love is different for everybody,” Trevor said. “Whatever kind of love Ashley and Joey work out, that’s up to them.”

“Love is different for everyone,” Dan agreed. “But what you’re saying doesn’t make sense, Ashley. If Joey loves you, why isn’t he with you? You love him and you’re right here and you want to be with him, and he loves you, but he’s with someone else. He isn’t married to Nick. He can break up with Nick and come to you whenever he wants. At any time. But he hasn’t. He isn’t willing to give Nick up for you. He isn’t willing to give up anything for you.”

“Joey’s not naturally a selfish person,” Chris said. “He’s very giving. I’m sure that he’d be willing to sacrifice things for Ashley. But Nick is…special.”

“If you’re in love with someone, no one else is more special than he is,” Trevor said.

“Well, that’s true,” Chris admitted.

“They have a complicated relationship,” Ashley said. “It’s not that easy.”

Lance’s expression was somewhere between tolerant amusement and “you’re in deep shit, Fatone.” Wincing, Joey thanked the hostess and sat down in the booth quickly. “I know, I’m sorry, I-”

“You’re late,” Lance said.

“I didn’t-”

“You’re two hours late,” Lance said.

“Really?” Joey asked, taken aback. “Two hours?” He checked his watch. Damn. How long had he and Nick been fucking?

“Brunch has officially turned into lunch,” Lance said.

“You should’ve ditched my ass and left here hours ago,” Joey said.

“It’s okay.” Relaxing back against the padded booth, Lance ducked his head slightly, scratching the back of his neck as a faint blush colored his cheeks. “I didn’t mind waiting,” he admitted. “I have some pretty good memories of this place.” Inhaling quickly, he looked away, then met Joey’s eyes with a small, self-deprecating smile. “Howie and I came here a few times.”

Ah. “Well, I’m still a schmuck, so I’ll pay for lunch,” Joey said. He knew what Lance meant about the memories. There were a few clubs he couldn’t even go to anymore, because they were too full of AJ for him. And there were a few he couldn’t stay out of.

“Where’ve you been the last two hours?” Lance asked.

“Dealing with Nick,” he said, paging through the menu. “Dealing with Ashley.” Getting laid. For someone who was nothing like AJ, Nick definitely knew how to get the job done. A rush of too-hot memory made Joey reach for his water glass.

“Screwing?” Lance guessed with a deliberately unreadable look. “Which one?” A twitch of humor in Lance’s eyes. “Or was it both?”

“Nick,” Joey admitted, setting down the glass. “He’s not bad.”

“So I’ve heard.” Lance took the menu from Joey’s hands. “I’ve already ordered for us. I told them to start cooking it when you showed up.”

One of the perks of dining with Lance. “Thanks.” He tried not to think about Lance’s mild, “So I’ve heard,” because even though Lance’s tone hadn’t held an ounce of blame, those words took Joey back to JC, who knew all about having sex with Nick, who loved Nick, who got hurt every time Nick crawled onto Joey’s body. “Have you talked to JC?”

“Yeah,” Lance said. “He’s fine. He’s getting shitloads of gifts from Howie and lots of fantastic sex from Estrada.”

Joey couldn’t hold back the laughter. “Did you say ‘fantastic sex from Estrada?’”

“I did,” Lance said dryly. “But I’d rather not talk about that, since I want to keep my appetite.”

Joey agreed. “How’s your sex life?”

“Not bad.” A slight shrug. There was a brief interruption as the waitress stopped by; Lance resumed conversation. “I’m only dealing with Brian these days, and he’s,” a pause to smile, “gratifyingly enthusiastic.”

Gratifyingly enthusiastic. “I wouldn’t have guessed that about him,” Joey said. He had pretty good radar for that, too. He prided himself on being able to estimate anyone’s bedroom personality after a five-minute conversation at most. And he never would’ve pegged Brian as the hellcat nymphomaniac Lance claimed.

“I wouldn’t have, either,” Lance said. And that rubbed Joey the wrong way, because if he hadn’t seen it and Lance hadn’t seen it, either Brian had been lying then or Lance was lying now. Or else he and Lance were both a lot worse at spotting an easy lay then he’d thought.

Joey knew that Lance wouldn’t lie to him. Maybe if it had to do with Howie - - Joey had made a lot of exceptions to the rules for AJ, and he didn’t expect any different from Lance - - but not about sex with Brian. Which meant that Brian was gratifyingly enthusiastic in bed. Which meant that Brian wasn’t who he claimed to be.

Which probably wasn’t all that big a revelation. Chris could’ve told them that long ago. Did it matter if Brian lied? Did it matter which Brian was real? Joey didn’t even know which Nick was real.

He’d known the real AJ, once upon a time. Or, he’d thought he had. Thinking about that now made him want to leave the table, leave the restaurant, and find AJ. Find AJ, and find that once upon a time AJ within, and-

“Are you okay?” Lance asked.

“Have you seen Howie?” Joey asked, pushing himself to act normal.

“Not recently enough.” A faint hint of bitterness seeped through into the calm.

“I had some time with AJ.”

Lance raised his eyebrows. “How was it?”

“Everything I wanted it to be,” Joey said.

“But still not enough,” Lance guessed, before he could say it himself. “How’s Ashley?”

“In love with me.” Joey shrugged, conversation pausing as the waitress arrived and departed. “We hung out yesterday. Had lunch. Watched porn.”

“You watched porn with him?” Lance asked. “Gay porn?”

“I don’t have any gay porn.” He’d never thought that two guys together could be interesting or erotic until AJ. And once he’d been with AJ, no pornography could compare to reality. AJ was porn.

            Lance looked like he wanted to snort. “Did Ashley need a visual aid to understand how straight sex works?”

            “He’s been with women,” Joey said. Of course, “I don’t know what he did with them,” he admitted. “He probably just talked about his feelings a lot while they masturbated.”

            “He doesn’t seem very…bright,” Lance said. “Neither does Nick. What do the two of you even talk about?”

“We talk about Ashley.” Joey thought. “We have sex.”

This time, Lance did snort. “There’s the foundation for a great partnership, right there.”

“What do you and Brian talk about?” Joey asked.

A clever smile. “We talk about Jacob, and we have sex.”

Joey grinned. “Works pretty well, doesn’t it?”

“I have to say,” Lance returned his grin, “it’s not all that bad.”

Justin didn’t want to let go of AJ’s hand.

“Can I get you anything?” Howie asked.

“He’s fine,” AJ said. “He thinks he’s been victimized and violated, but he’ll get over it.” He pulled his hand free and gave Justin a push forward. “Go ahead, do your thing.”

Howie glanced from him to AJ and back again. “If you’d rather do this at another time…”

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t, he couldn’t. He’d thought that he could, he’d tried, but Brian had…

But if he didn’t do it, he’d fail Kevin.

He couldn’t fail Kevin.

If he didn’t go through with this, what Brian had done to him would be for nothing. He’d have pledged himself to Brian for nothing. He’d have let Brian do that to him for nothing.

He could still feel Brian’s hands all over him, like spiders crawling across his skin.

Howie glanced at AJ again.

He was keeping Howie waiting, and that was rude. He’d been rude, demanding, and stupid with Brian, and now he was being rude to Howie, and that was inexcusable.

“I’m sorry.” He took a clean breath and tried to begin, but couldn’t get a word out. Justin knew even less about Howie than he knew about Brian, and he had no idea how Howie would react or what Howie might do to him. What if-

“Hell,” AJ said. “D., can you give us a minute?”

“Call for me when you’re ready,” Howie said, and left the room.

No, he couldn’t keep Howie waiting even longer. Howie couldn’t leave the room for him in Howie’s own house! What was AJ doing?!

“Calm the fuck down,” AJ said. “You already decided that you have to do it, so just go ahead and do it and stop fucking around in your head about it. And try to make yourself presentable.” AJ wiped at his face with impatient fingers. “You have tears and snot everywhere.”

Justin pulled AJ close, wrapping his arms around AJ securely, lowering his head to AJ’s shoulder. He was so scared and he felt so used and he hated every step he kept taking but he didn’t know any other way to go.

With a sigh, AJ tucked warm hands into the front of his waistband. “You’ll be fine. And if you’re not fine, it’ll be just like every other day.”

He held AJ even tighter, closer. “I love him so much.”

“You already got Brian out of the way. That leaves me, Howie, and Nick. I won’t give you any more or less shit than I already do. So all you really have to worry about now is Howie and Nick. And do you really think that either one of them is going to treat you worse than Kevin and Brian have?”

Brian was the scary one. Brian was the one who got into his head and crawled around inside.

“You should be able to do this on your own. You shouldn’t need to come crying to me about it. I don’t know what your problem is today.” AJ smoothed his hair. “You’d better get over it because I don’t know how much of this I’m going to put up with. I didn’t even let Joey cry this much after a while.”

“I’m not crying.”

“You’re sniffling and whimpering.”

That didn’t count. Justin closed his eyes. “Thank you for coming with me.”

“You wouldn’t even get out of the car without me.”

He was still amazed that he’d made it out of Brian’s house instead of being caged up in a closet somewhere. Lifting his hand, he removed AJ’s cap, running his fingers over AJ’s hair. “Brian’s not going to tell Chris, is he?”

“God help you if he does.”

Very helpful. Justin breathed in. “Can I call Dan today?”

“No.”

“Can we talk about him today?”

AJ patted his side. “Sure.”

Okay. Deep breath. “I’m ready now.”

“Then can you get your hands out of my hair?”

Oh. Justin stepped back, lowering his hands.

AJ scooped his cap up from the floor and put it back on. “D.!”

Justin rubbed his wrist.

Howie reappeared. “Everything okay?”

He could do this. Justin met Howie’s eyes. “I’m sorry that I kept you waiting. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You came here to tell me something?” Howie asked.

“Yes, I…” It might be easiest to say what he’d said before. “I came here to tell you that I love you.” This was insane. He didn’t love Howie. He rarely ever dealt with Howie. “I love you, Howie, and I respect you, and I promise that I always will. I’m giving myself to you and pledging myself to you and promising to love, honor, and obey. I live for you, like I live for Kevin.” He could do this. His hands were shaking. He could still feel Brian’s touch and hear Brian’s voice. He could do this. He pulled up his shirt and lowered his pants, baring the tattoo. “This is a sign, so that I’ll always remember.”

Howie’s expression didn’t change. Hadn’t changed. “I see.”

Uncertain now, Justin pulled his pants back up.

Howie glanced at AJ, then at him. “Is that it?”

Feeling ridiculous, Justin said, “Yes.”

“Well, thank you,” Howie said. “I appreciate you coming over.”

Was that it?

AJ tugged at his elbow.

Bewildered, Justin said, “Thank you, Howie.”

“It was good to see you,” Howie said.

He’d just said all of that and exposed himself and this was the reaction he got? “Thank you, Howie.” He followed AJ outside and to the car.

“I told you not to worry about it,” AJ said.

“He didn’t care,” Justin said. He couldn’t believe it. He put himself through hell, he said things to Howie that were only meant for Kevin, and all he got in return was, “Is that it?” He stared at the front door of Howie’s house.

“Oh, hell,” AJ said.

“He didn’t care,” Justin repeated, his voice gaining in volume.

“Don’t flip out,” AJ warned.

“He didn’t care!”

“You’re so damned sensitive all of a sudden.”

“He didn’t care?!” He’d been whipped and he’d been molested and his back hurt and his thighs hurt and his ass was killing him and he loved Kevin and nothing he did was ever good enough and he’d just promised himself to his best friend’s ex-boyfriend and he’d exposed his used, abused body and for what?

“We’re not going through this again,” AJ said. “Not that crying shit and not this yelling, either. And you do all of your freaking out right here, because I’m not going in with you when we get to Nick’s. Kevin wants you to do this yourself.”

Brian had fucking molested him like a fucking pervert and Howie couldn’t be bothered to care. He didn’t have Kevin. He didn’t have Dan. He couldn’t count on the guys and he didn’t expect them to count on him. All he had was memories…and AJ.

Continue on to part seventy-four

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Sucker"
Boyslash
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