"Sucker"

Sucker

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Continued from part sixty-nine

JC had enjoyed a lazy morning. He’d slept in, taken a long soak in the tub, then shaved carefully. During brunch he’d called a few of his old friends from his pre-Nick days, touching base to find out if there were any particularly interesting places to go at night.

Over the last few nights, when he’d picked up guys, those encounters had been different than he remembered from before. Tinged with something…harder. But that made sense; he was a different person now. And for the sake of the game, he had to be harder. Darker. He’d gained something from those encounters. It was like they helped him to develop a shell. He’d need that shell if he wanted to keep Erik at a distance.

After brunch, he wandered into his living room. Sitting on the coffee table, surrounded by flowers, he read Howie’s letter again.

There was potential there. His partnership with Howie could go in any one of a dozen directions. They might be just partners. They might become lovers in a true sense. They might become friends. They might use each other. Anything could happen.

Maybe JC liked that. Maybe it was good to have that potential there, without steering their relationship towards a certain path. Maybe it was good to let things develop naturally, without pushing, doubting, fleeing, or second-guessing.

When his doorbell rang, he knew who was standing out there. Returning the letter to its envelope, JC rose, walking to the door. He opened it and-

-deja vu. “Erik-Michael?”

Charming little smile. “I have a delivery for you.”

“Don’t tell me that you brought more flowers,” JC said, incredulous, accepting the bouquet.

“Just those. But I do have something else for you. So why don’t you,” Erik gently but firmly guided him away from the door, “go sit in the kitchen and think about how much you love Howie.”

“The kitchen?”

“The kitchen,” Erik confirmed. “And stay there until I come for you.”

JC hesitated. “What do you-”

“You’ll find out in a few minutes. Go.”

Suspicious, JC went to the kitchen. He called Howie; no answer. He studied the bouquet. A dozen roses in red, pink, and white.

Yesterday had been a shock.

Today established a pattern. A pattern of seduction. Howie was going after him with a full arsenal.

It was nice. He liked the sense of being pursued. It was flattering, to be considered worthy of this attention. Howie was investing time, money, and thought into wooing him.

Smiling, JC stroked the petals, inhaling the sweet fragrance. As he waited, he listened to Erik move through his house. The videotape came back to him: Erik drunk, horny, moaning, practically begging. Howie’s tongue licking over Erik’s stomach; Howie’s fingers stroking Erik’s asshole. For someone who’d claimed to have such a strong aversion to bottoming, Erik sure had seemed open to the idea.

Now JC had to push Erik farther. He didn’t doubt that he’d succeed; he wasn’t driven to penetrate, but he did have experience, and his technique had always been appreciated.

Frankly, coaxing Erik into submitting to him sounded like a waste of time. Then again, how long could it take? Erik had seemed pretty ready to go on that tape.

His skin prickled as he felt his hair being lifted from the back of his neck. The soft brush of lips over his nape made him shiver. “I don’t know how Howie’s lasted this long without you.” Erik’s fingers stroked his skin. “If I had a girlfriend anything like you, I’d never let her out of my sight.”

As he turned, JC set the bouquet on the table. “Are you ready to show me your secret?”

Erik grinned. “It’s in your bedroom.”

“My bedroom?” Interesting. “You don’t have to go to all of this trouble.”

“Howie wants to. He knows that you’re worth it. He knows that you deserve it.”

JC smiled. “You think so, too?”

“I think you deserve the best of the best. I think that you belong with someone like Howie who can afford to treat you well.”

Satisfied with that answer, JC gave Erik a smile. On the way to his bedroom, he wondered what was in there.

One glance told him all he needed to know.

Teddy bears, everywhere. Huge ones, small ones, all colors. On the floor, along the wall, on the furniture. Whether naked or clothed, they all bore hearts. They held hearts, wore hearts, offered tokens of love at all turns. It was a teddy bear lovefest.

“He got me stuffed animals?” It made no sense. Teddy bears? Howie was giving him teddy bears? There wasn’t even room to sit down on the bed. JC turned to look at Erik and almost fell over an enormous panda.

“Love bears,” Erik said. “To show you love even though he’s not here to do it himself.”

“Teddy bears are supposed to be a substitute for my lover?” JC asked.

“Well…” Erik grinned and coughed. “He is kind of hairy.”

“This is the corniest…” Sighing, JC looked around again. Bears. Hearts. More bears. More hearts. On the bed, nestled up to the pillows, were two bears holding hands. One bore a J on his chest; the other had an H. Right in front of them he saw a small jewelry box; under that, an envelope.

More jewelry? Another letter? “He’s doing too much,” JC said. “He’s going too far.”

“He loves you,” Erik said. “There’s no such thing as doing too much for you.”

Stepping around the panda, JC reached the head of the bed. He wanted to know what the letter said, but he wasn’t ready to read it. The last one had hit him a little too hard. He picked up the box instead, opening it.

Oh… He stared at the watch, searching for imperfections. There were none. It was the ideal timepiece. Masculine, stylish, graceful without being feminine, expensive without being gaudy.

Taking it from the box, he put it on. It embraced his wrist like it belonged there. Only someone who knew him well would buy him such a perfect watch.

“That looks great,” Erik said.

It looked too great. The perfect watch. The perfect bracelet. A roomful of flowers. A roomful of love bears to show affection in Howie’s stead. A letter that said what he’d needed to hear.

What would this letter say?

Lifting the letter, JC nudged aside a few bears and sat on the bed. He wanted to know what Howie’d written, but the words might hit too strongly. Howie had written this for him, but only in the context of the game.

If Howie really were romancing him, what would this letter say?

“It isn’t bad news,” Erik said. “You can go ahead and read it.”

He opened the envelope.

Erik moved a few more bears and sat beside him.

Last night all I could think of was you. The heat of your gaze. The smoothness of your skin. The beauty and the power of our lovemaking. I would do anything to make you smile. You don’t know the agony it causes me to see you hurt. I love you. I always have. I always will. More than anyone understands.

It was almost nice, to think of someone else hurting because he’d been hurt. Even if Nick had enjoyed their time together, it had seemed to cost Nick nothing to damage him. JC liked the thought of someone who was affected by his pain.

The note was almost…cryptic. A bit mysterious. “I always will. More than anyone understands.” Was Howie trying to tell him something? Probably not, but it did seem like an odd last line. This was a made-up love letter; Howie had been given free rein to say anything, to include any sentiment. This was what Howie had chosen?

Stretching, JC dropped back, gazing at the ceiling, arms above his head. He kept over-thinking everything. He kept feeling too much. He was swinging from one extreme to another, taking a fresh stance five times a day. He had to stop worrying about what to think and what to feel. He wasn’t going to figure everything out or develop the perfect mindset just by thinking harder. He had to stop pushing and just let things happen.

Erik’s hand slid across his stomach, then crept under his shirt.

Let things happen.

Closing his eyes, he felt Erik raise his shirt to expose his abs. Felt kisses there, felt the stroke and flutter of Erik’s tongue.

Let things happen…

Fingers playing idly over the strings of his guitar, Jacob let his mind drift to Brian.

Finally taking a strong forward step and initiating touch with Brian… It was exhilarating. A little nerve-wracking, because he’d never done that with a man before, never put himself out there, and this was Brian! He had a lot to lose.

Still, there was a certain safety net beneath him. Brian’s love. Brian’s love came with complete acceptance.

Besides, Brian was parading him around to the Boys like he was Brian’s new girlfriend or something. Brian was as committed to their friendship as he was.

Dinner with Nick had only reinforced Jacob’s stance on Ashley’s little extracurricular romance with Joey. It had to stop. Nick wasn’t making a big deal of it because Nick didn’t realize how serious Ashley was. Once Nick found out and saw Ashley as a threat, Ashley would be in trouble. And Jacob didn’t want to see him get hurt. Besides, how damned shady was it for Ashley to fuck around with someone else’s boyfriend?

Dinner with Howie had gone well, too. Howie was a pretty nice guy, and what he’d said had really hit home.

Jacob was trying to do the right thing; he’d cut Lance off. But what if Brian discovered the truth?

Maybe it would be okay. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Brian loved him; Brian would understand, if he explained. Besides, Brian had let Lance give him head, and Lance acted like there was something going on between them; if Brian messed around with Lance, then he couldn’t get that mad about Jacob doing it. Especially since Jacob had only done it for Brian.

Every day it got more and more difficult to keep his hands off of JC.

It was just that JC was so incredibly sexy, and so…so right there in front of him. How could he not touch?

The thing was, most of the time, he just wanted to admire. With his hands. But it tended to lead to other things. He couldn’t just touch. He had to touch more, and more. Each new inch of skin looked even more appealing than the last. And then he’d find himself wanting to taste it. The more he admired and explored the outside of JC, the more he wanted to get inside. The hotter he got, the more he wanted to get JC off. It was a unique impulse, like he was enjoying himself so damned much, he wanted to make sure that JC got something out of it, too.

High and weak and overwhelmed after orgasm, he panted against JC’s neck, telling himself that he’d get up and move in another minute. No ordinary person could move like JC did. The bears they’d scattered across the bed had to be scandalized.

JC’s hand stroked his hair. He moaned in grateful appreciation.

“I talked to AJ,” JC said.

Funny… Erik hadn’t seen any bruises.

“What happened went too far. No one should ever have to go through that.”

Oh, shit. “It’s okay.” Erik couldn’t believe the one person he’d decided to tell his traumatic near-death drowning story to had been someone who’d almost drowned. What were the odds? “I know it sounds bad, but it wasn’t as serious as it could have been. I mean, I was at home, there were four other people in the house, Jacob and Ashley were right on the other side of the door…”

“What happened was very serious.” Were JC’s fingers trembling? “I don’t take this lightly. I told AJ that what he did was dangerous.”

“I’ll bet he didn’t apologize.”

“No,” JC admitted. “But it won’t happen again.”

Maybe not through drowning. But Erik didn’t trust AJ not to come after him another time. Since he wasn’t about to leave Howie and JC, he’d just have to watch his back.

He couldn’t believe that JC’d had a near-drowning experience, too. It shocked him, to think that JC could’ve been in danger like that. And he didn’t like to think that JC was still afraid, that JC still avoided water. He didn’t want JC to be afraid of anything. He didn’t want anything to limit JC’s enjoyment of life.

But how could he comfort JC without giving away that he knew what he wasn’t supposed to know?

Stroking JC’s side, he nuzzled JC’s neck, breathing JC in, loving the feel of smooth, taut skin under his hand. Closing his eyes, he caressed more slowly, fingers drifting, exploring. “Being jumped like that was crazy. No one’s ever threatened me like that. It made me really have to decide what I want to do and what matters and what I’m willing to go through.”
JC’s touch trailed across his back.

Erik had enough trouble saying this to girls. It was even harder to say it to a guy. “I really think you…you’re a great,” he cleared his throat, wondering why everything coming out of his mouth sounded stupid. “A great guy and… I don’t know anyone else like you. You’re so creative and so unique and…”

“Erik-Michael.” JC sounded amused. “I appreciate the compliment, honey, but what’s your point?”

He wanted to get up, move away from JC, create some distance. “I care about you a lot. I can see why Howie’s so in love with you.” He hesitated. “You matter. A lot.” This wasn’t working. “To me.” The words he needed to say wouldn’t come.

JC’s touch nudged his chin up; JC kissed him fondly. “Thank you, honey. I care about you a lot, too.” JC’s gaze wandered his face; JC’s hand stroked his cheek. “You’re very special, Erik-Michael. I’ve never had this kind of friendship with anyone before.”

To be honest, “Me, either.”

JC laughed.

Obedient, hands shaking, Justin undressed. Heart pounding with dread, he got on the bed, assuming the position.

“I shouldn’t have to remind you how important it is to obey me, respect me, and love me,” Kevin said.

Justin knew better than to speak.

“How you treat me, is how you treat AJ. How you treat me, is how you treat Brian, and Howie, and Nick. With obedience. Respect. Love.” Kevin’s voice hardened. “Reverence.”

Padded shackles closed around Justin’s ankles.

“I should never have to hear from any one of them that you’ve been rude, demanding, or selfish. If they ever need to mention you to me, I had better hear only good things.”

Kevin fastened the cuffs around his wrists without making skin to skin contact.

“Brian didn’t complain to me. Brian is too kind and generous for that. He’s so forgiving that he’s willing to overlook your transgressions. But I’m not. I know how you are. I see through everything that you do. And I know that he deserves an apology.”

Kevin. Obedience. AJ. Respect. Brian. Love. Howie. Reverence. Nick.

“You might want to spend the next few minutes thinking about what you want to say to Brian.”

Kevin picked up Justin’s belt.

Rolling over, his new watch catching the light, JC picked up the hand-holding J and H bears. “Howie’s always so sweet.”

“He is.” Erik stroked JC’s back with one lingering hand. “What are you going to do with all of this?”

“Probably donate it. Maybe to a hospital. The flowers, too, but I’d better do it fast before they wilt.”

Erik stroked the muscle in JC’s arms.

“Erik-Michael…” JC turned slightly, looking at him. “Is there going to be more of this?”

“More of what?” He knew what JC meant, but he had to buy himself time. He and Howie hadn’t covered what to do if JC asked about this.

“More gifts. More tokens of Howie’s affection.”

Erik raised his eyebrows. “This is what you call a token of affection?”

Twisting around to roll onto his back, JC laughed. “You know what I mean. Are you going to show up tomorrow with any more flowers?”

“Maybe.” He caressed JC’s chest. He loved how smooth JC was. “Would it make a difference if I did?”

JC’s smile was small, rueful. “I think that I might be disappointed if you didn’t.”

Good. “Then maybe I’ll bring you something.” Nudging JC’s arm aside, he stroked up underneath. So perfectly smooth, like a woman. “Have you thought about giving Howie something?”

“There are a few things I’d like to give Howie. There are a few things that,” JC took a deep breath, “I’d like to say to him.”

“Really?” He could work with this, he could definitely use this to bring them closer together again. “Maybe you should talk to him.”

“I don’t know.” JC hesitated, rubbing his cheek, conflicted. “I don’t know, honey, I want to be with him. I want to confide in him and make love with him and have everything be solid between us. But I still have so many questions, so many doubts.”

“About what?” What was there to doubt? “He loves you.”

“That doesn’t solve everything. That just makes it easier to pretend that problems will go away on their own. But they don’t, honey, they never do.”

“If you have questions, then ask him. If you want to talk, talk to him. You’re not going to figure it out by yourself. You have to talk to him about it. He probably has answers if you’d just ask him.”

JC sighed. “You’re fed up with us, aren’t you?”

“It’s frustrating,” he admitted. “You’re in love with each other but you won’t even call each other. At least Howie’s finally doing something about it.”

“And I’m not,” JC said. Picking up a bear, he turned it over in his hands. “Maybe you could tell him something for me.”

“I’ll tell him whatever you want,” Erik said. “What is it?”

JC studied the bear.

Erik waited.

“I don’t know how to say what I want to say.” JC set aside the bear, rolling onto his stomach.

Erik’s touch drifted down over the backs of JC’s thighs. “Be honest.”

“Be honest.” JC pushed his hair behind his ears. “Be honest.”

Erik waited.

JC’s eyes closed. “I’ve made a lot of bad choices. I’ve made a lot of choices that felt so right and turned out so wrong. I don’t want to do that again.”

“Being with Howie is the right choice. You know it is, or you would’ve really walked away from him.”

JC rubbed his eyes, making frustrated, confused noises. “I don’t know what words mean. I don’t know what sex means. I don’t know what gifts mean. How can you ever know that there’s real love attached to anything, and not a fake or a shadow?”

“You can feel it,” Erik said. “You can see it. I’ve seen it when you two are together.”

JC was silent. Finally, he sat up, taking Erik’s hands. “This is what I want you to tell Howie.”

“Go slowly so I can remember it.”

JC gazed right into his eyes, effectively sucking up all of Erik’s attention. “I love you.”

Even though he knew that JC was talking to Howie, not to him, those words still hit pretty damned hard.

“My heart is empty without you.”

Unable to look away, Erik slid his palm more completely against JC’s.

“If the idea of James upset me this much, then there’s something between us that I’m still not sure about.”

He did his best to commit JC’s words to memory.

JC exhaled slowly. “I’m hoping that your love can overcome my doubt.”

It could. Erik knew that it could. He didn’t doubt Howie for a second.

JC’s grip loosened. “You’ll tell him that for me?”

“I’ll tell him as soon as I see him. Either tonight or tomorrow.”

JC embraced him. “Thank you, honey.”

His heart beat too fast.

After one last crack, Kevin tossed the belt aside.

Justin’s body sagged in exhausted relief. Maybe it was over now. He’d learned his lesson. He’d behave. He’d obey. He’d respect and love and revere.

He hadn’t been punished like this recently. His body remembered, but he still wasn’t used to it. Couldn’t get used to it. He couldn’t relax and take it; he braced himself for each blow, tense and afraid. It hurt. It shamed and degraded him. And every harsh strike reminded him that he’d failed Kevin, that he deserved this for being a disgusting, worthless cunt.

Kevin freed his right hand, then dropped the key within reach. “I have somewhere to be.”

What? His throat was thick with tears and tight from holding back cries of pain; his voice failed him. Kevin left the room. No! “Kevin!” He scrambled to unlock his left handcuff. The sound of a door. No! “Kevin!” Justin screamed. The garage door. “Kevin!” The sound of an engine; Kevin backed out of the garage. “Kevin!”

Panting, whimpering, sweating, crying, aching, Justin twisted around, freeing his feet. Falling from the bed, he stumbled to the back door.

The garage door went down.

Kevin was gone.

Erik’s fingers rubbed gently over the tattoo by JC’s groin.

Taking Erik’s hand, JC put it on his hip instead. Resting on his side, face-to-face with Erik, he touched Erik’s cheek and asked, “How have things been with Howie? What have you two been up to, besides plotting about giving me flowers?”

“Mostly we talk about you.” Erik avoided his eyes, looking down instead, casually adding, “We had dinner the other night.”

Aha. “Dinner?” JC stroked Erik’s neck, studying his face. “Where did you go?”

“We just ate at his place. He missed you, he missed being good to you, so he made a whole romantic set-up.”

A smile crossed JC’s face. “That sounds seductive.”

“Well, it’s Howie.”

JC wondered what he could say that would draw more information from Erik but not give away that he already knew too much. “How did it go?”

“It was good.” Erik’s hand left JC’s hip. “We had a good time, but he really misses you. I know the whole time he would’ve rather been with you.”

“I’m sure that he enjoyed your company,” JC said, sitting up as Erik left the bed.

Erik smiled at him, gathering clothes, but it wasn’t a real smile. “I don’t think that I’m a perfect substitute for the real thing, but he seemed to enjoy himself.” Even as Erik almost visibly withdrew behind his ever-ready walls, an embarrassed blush broke through.

JC immediately moved in to exploit that weakness in the barrier. “I like that blush. You didn’t do anything interesting, did you?”

“Just dinner,” Erik said, dressing quickly like clothes could protect him.

“Just dinner?” JC repeated with a smile, not even pretending to believe it. “What happened after dinner?”

“We just…” Erik swallowed.

JC waited through the silence.

Erik wouldn’t look at him.

Frowning, JC gentled his tone. “Honey?”

Erik glanced in his direction without actually making eye contact. “Can we talk?”

Chris was doing one of his favorite things, sitting around talking and petting Trevor, when the phone rang. Still caressing Trevor’s stomach, he answered, “Kirkpatrick.”

“I want to see you,” Kevin said. “Come over to my house.”

“Okay. I’ll do that,” Chris said. “Bye.” He hung up and drummed his fingers on Trevor’s chest. “I have to go.”

Trevor sighed. “Okay.” He didn’t like it, but he didn’t protest. Sitting up, he pulled his shirt back down. “I’ll take you back to my place so you can get your car.”

“I can get it later.”

“The one I borrowed is already over there.”

Good point. He couldn’t just turn Trevor’s driveway into his own parking lot. “Okay.” Trevor helped him up. “Let’s go. To the pimpmobile!”

“Sorry about your shirt.”

Chris grinned at him, handing him the keys. “It was worth it.”

JC’s job was to be as encouraging, supportive, and non-threatening as possible. He had to come across as completely harmless while still steering Erik in the right direction.

While Erik sat on the bed, JC pulled on underwear. He didn’t want to have this conversation naked, but as long as he only had on underwear, he’d appear vulnerable, putting Erik in a respective position of power.

With Erik sitting by the headboard, Indian-style, JC sat facing him. “What’s on your mind, honey?”

“I’ve been trying to make a decision, and I don’t know what to do.”

All right. “A decision about what?” He wondered why Erik kept confiding more in him than in Howie. Did Erik see him as more trustworthy? Or as closer to Erik’s level? More open and accepting?

“About myself. About Howie. About… Where to draw the line.”

He couldn’t seem too informed. “Which line?”

“The…sex line.”

JC nodded, cupping his hands over Erik’s calves through denim. “You want to balance Howie’s needs with your needs.”

“I thought that I had that line drawn, but then… Howie crossed it and I…”

“Howie crossed it?” JC asked, feigning confusion. “I know that Howie would never want to push you too far, honey. If he did something-”

“No, it’s not… He didn’t do anything I didn’t want. I mean… He did something that I thought I didn’t want,” Erik said. “But while it was happening, I wanted more of it. So now I don’t know where to draw the line.”

“Maybe there doesn’t have to be a line,” JC said. “Maybe not ever, and definitely not right now. You’re still racking up new experiences. You shouldn’t draw that line until you feel like you’ve actually crossed it and then you’ll know what really is too far. You based the line on things you’d never tried before. I’d guess that the first line you ever drew had me on the other side of it, had all men on the other side. And that line doesn’t seem to have been right, so maybe this one isn’t, either.”

Erik smiled a little, blushing and stroking the back of JC’s hand, his fingers. “Yeah, that first line was a little off.”

“Honey…” JC had to find the right approach. “You’re working hard to define everything and label everything, and I don’t know how helpful that really is. Especially while you’re still figuring out what you want. You might not want to hear this, but I don’t even think that you should worry about gay or bi or straight. Those are labels that sometimes can be constructive and sometimes can be destructive, and for you, right now, they don’t mean much of anything.”

“It seems like they mean a lot,” Erik said.

“Does it matter if you’re straight?” JC asked.

Erik’s eyes widened; he opened his mouth, probably to defend his intensely important heterosexuality.

“Does it matter to your actions?” JC asked. “You’re an adult making adult decisions. Right now, you’re here with me. At some point, your friendship with me and Howie is going to change, and you won’t have sex with us anymore. After that, you may never be with another man for the rest of your life. That’s all up to you, Erik-Michael, that’s your decision and your business.”

“Okay, but-”

“What do labels mean?” JC asked. “You can say that you’re one thing, and still do something completely different. You say that you’re straight, but you just had sex with a man. But you say that you’re straight, so does that make you straight? I can say that I’m straight all day long, but it won’t make me any less gay. And does that mean that there’s something wrong with being gay?”

“I - - no, I-”

“What’s the real point of labels? It’s supposed to name what something is. I can slap a label for peas on a can of corn, but that doesn’t change what’s inside the can. You’re attracted to women. You’re attracted to men. You get aroused and excited and stupid over women, but you do some of that for men, too.” JC smiled, squeezing his calf. “You can say that you’re straight if that’s what you’re comfortable with. But you don’t have to call yourself anything right now. What you really have to decide isn’t the label but the action.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Erik said.

“Well, what happened with Howie? How far did things go?”

Erik averted his gaze.

“Was it anything you and I haven’t done?”

Erik blushed, briefly meeting his eyes. “Some of it.”

JC smiled. “Now I’m definitely curious. Did he make love to you?”

“No,” Erik said quickly. “No, it wasn’t that. He didn’t…penetrate.”

“Did he touch you there? Just not inside?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he rim you?”

“Yeah.” Erik looked like he wanted to squirm. “And he kind of fucked against me, from behind, you know… He even…kind of…” Erik winced. “Lubed me up.”

JC rubbed Erik’s calf reassuringly. “How did all of that feel?”

“Really weird.”

“Good weird? Bad weird?”

“Can this conversation be just between us?”

“Honey, I’m not going to betray your confidence.”

“When he…did all of that… It felt…” Erik paused. “It felt really great, physically. I kind of literally got off on it. But mentally it was just really fucked up. I was drunk and I didn’t even let myself think about it - - that’s not an excuse for anything, I’m not saying I was drunk and he took advantage of that, I just… I was drunk, and that made it easier for me to put everything off for later and just go with it. But I’m sober now, and I keep thinking about what happened. It was all intense, at the time, it was really…” He met JC’s gaze directly. “I wanted it.”

“It’s not hurting anybody,” JC said gently. “You’re both adults. You’re both consenting. Neither one of us you is doing anything wrong. Your body knows what it likes, honey. If it feels good, if you want it, if you’d like to experience that sensation again, then don’t scare yourself away.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” Erik asked, defensive, angry, afraid. “Let another man fuck me?”

JC looked at him.

Erik realized who he was talking to, and turned red. “I didn’t-”

“Yes, you did,” JC said calmly.

“I don’t-”

Still calmly, “Yes, you do. And if you want to pursue this with Howie, you might have to get over it.”

Erik looked down.

JC was not unfamiliar with homophobia or hypocrisy. Erik’s ability to climb into bed with men and still consider gay men so incredibly “other” was astounding. He could fuck men, but getting fucked himself was a complete and total impossibility. It would degrade him, emasculate him, render him forever changed in nothing but negative ways. Yet he had no trouble fucking JC.

He also had no trouble giving head, which suggested to JC that he was only clinging so firmly to his ass virginity because it was his only link to his straight identity. He’d opened his mouth for dick very easily. Once they gave him the right push, he’d probably offer his ass just as often.

Erik met his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. I just want you to think about what you’re saying. You have a lot of prejudices clogging up your thoughts. It might help if you start over from a new place, using what you know from personal experience and not what you heard and thought before any of this ever happened.”

“It’s hard to let that stuff go.”

“I know.” JC watched him, waiting.

“What Howie did felt good, but… If I ask him to do it again… If he tries it and I don’t like it, I don’t want to tell him he can’t do it again. Maybe I only liked it because I was drunk. Maybe the mood got to me.”

“Maybe you’ll love it in the future like you did then. I don’t want you to miss out on this because you’re worried. I don’t bottom out of obligation to Howie, I bottom because I love it. I love sex, I love getting fucked, I love the way it feels, I love what it does to me.”

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

“It does. There are things in life that come with discomfort, and that’s part of it. The feeling can get intense.” JC decided to push. “This isn’t something you can think through and intellectualize. You have to experience it. Go through the various stages and then decide what’s right for you and what isn’t. You didn’t even want to be touched there, and then Howie did it and you enjoyed it. Maybe there are other steps you’ll enjoy, too.”

“I know that Howie wouldn’t force anything, but if a girl asked me to touch her and lick her and rub against her and experiment and mess around but not put it in, I don’t know if I could do it. Even if I managed to hold back, it’d be torture. I couldn’t ask someone to go through that.”

JC couldn’t believe that Erik had given him the perfect opening. “What if you asked me, instead of him?”

Erik looked intrigued. “You?”

“We both know how much Howie wants to make love to you. I want you just as much, but in a different way.”

“You’ve… You’ve done all of this before, right?”

JC smiled. “Yes, honey, I’ve done it before. I’ve experienced both sides of the equation to their fullest. I just have a…strong preference.”

Erik seemed uncertain. “You wouldn’t mind?”

“What would I mind? I want you to explore your own needs, I think that it’s very healthy for you to know your own sexuality. And I would love to,” he smiled, “get to know you better.”

Erik blushed. “Thanks.”

“I’d only ever do anything that you’re comfortable with. I want this to be a positive experience for you. You should know what fulfills you sexually. You won’t know what you like until you’ve tried it.”

An embarrassed grimace. “Is it okay that I’m totally freaked out about this?”

“It’s okay,” JC promised, squeezing gently. “Whatever you like or don’t like is okay. If you’re not into something, then that’s just not for you. That’s okay. There are things that I don’t like, and there are things that I like that other people don’t.” He smiled. “I’ve even been called kinky.”

“God, sorry,” Erik said. His expression grew curious. “What do you not like?”

JC grinned. “Women, mostly. Straight guys. Men with small dicks who aren’t creative enough to find ways to compensate.”

“Trying to let go of labels,” Erik said, mostly to himself. His gaze considered JC carefully. “You’re into size?”

“It’s always a consideration.”

“That means yes,” Erik interpreted.

JC smiled. “That means yes.”

“How big… I’d assume you’ve slept with more guys than anyone else I’ve been with. Not because - - just because you’re older, and you…travel more.”

“I probably have,” JC said. “What are you asking me, what sizes I like?”

“How big do they get?”

He laughed. “I’m not going to give you dimensions.”

“What about - - I know mine’s not huge, but… It’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Honey.” JC kissed his cheek, smoothing his hair. “Yours is just fine. It definitely gets the job done.”

“Is it…average?”

“I think so. Maybe a little bigger.”

“I love yours,” Erik said. “I don’t - - wow, I can’t believe I just said that, I just - - I mean, every inch of everything about you is…perfect.”

“Thank you, Erik-Michael.” JC kissed him. “Yours feels,” a gentle kiss, “incredible. If you couldn’t give me what I needed, I wouldn’t keep coming back for more.”

“How much…fits in there? You said it doesn’t hurt, but…are you sure?”

“It stretches,” JC said. “You’ll learn what feels comfortable for you. If you do it right, the larger it is, the more intense the experience is, and I get a lot out of that. But bigger isn’t always better. And most men fall within a very regular size range.”

Erik sighed, knees rising, toes curling against the sheets. “There’s so much to think about.”

“Don’t think too much. I don’t want you to decide anything or scare yourself about anything.”

“What about… I don’t even know what to do about rimming. If that’s something that Howie’s into, that’s up to him, but… It felt good, I just…”

“We’ll try it,” JC said. “You can judge how it feels a few more times before you decide.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with putting your tongue there?”

JC shifted, loosely hugging Erik’s knee to his chest. “Maybe you should try it.”

“Try… From the other end?”

“I’d be the perfect person to try it out on,” JC said.

“You probably would,” Erik admitted. “I don’t know what to do, though.”

“When you try it, you’ll figure it out. And maybe later, Howie can teach you what I like.”

“Did I get into bed with the two most sexually advanced gay men in the country?” Erik asked.

JC smiled. “We’re in the top ten.”

“Damn.” Erik shook his head, marveling. “What in hell are you doing with me?”

JC kissed him fondly. “I don’t know. I think we’re just lucky.”

He couldn’t believe that he’d fucked Chris in his gift from Kevin. He really shouldn’t have. But going from having his car inexplicably trashed to having his car totally pimped out had revved him up, and Chris was really hot…

Now his thoughts keep swinging from “Chris! Sex! Chris! Wow!” to “Kevin, guilt, Kevin, bad.”

He really couldn’t tell Chris where the new upholstery had really come from, now.

Maybe he should’ve refused Kevin’s gift. But how? It was already done. He couldn’t ask them to un-paint his car. He would’ve had to, what, pay Kevin back?

Maybe he should. Maybe he had to.

This wasn’t the pimpmobile, it was the guilt-mobile. He’d been dishonest with Chris, and now he felt a huge, gnawing, ugliness inside.

It was the car of missed opportunities and lost possibilities, too. It reminded him of what he and Kevin might have had together. If things had been different, if there hadn’t been Chris… This was what Kevin was willing to do for him, when they weren’t even together. He couldn’t imagine what actually being in a relationship with Kevin was like. It was Kevin! Kevin was awesome.

Guilt gnawed.

He wanted to confess. Apologize. Beg forgiveness.

He couldn’t keep this car. He couldn’t keep this guilt. He couldn’t keep this link to Kevin. It would drive him mad.

When he got home, Chris said, “Let’s go inside for a minute.”

Did Chris know that something was wrong? “For what?” he asked, getting out and following Chris toward the front door. Didn’t Chris have to leave?

“For this,” Chris said, walking inside and pushing the front door shut. “Hug me.”

Immediately, he embraced Chris, wrapping his arms tightly around Chris’s waist as he pressed his face to Chris’s neck and felt Chris’s arms wind around his shoulders. He wouldn’t lose Chris over a car. He couldn’t.

Chris’s voice was quiet. “You’re one of my favorite people in the world. I think that you’re terrific and I probably always will.”

From Chris, a statement like that was about as close to “I love you” as Trevor might ever get. It killed him that Chris was incapable of giving more. How damaged could one person be?

“Your pimpmobile is great and I want you to be happy. You were putting out bad vibes on the way here, and I don’t want anything to ruin your good time. So whatever you’re worried about, put it away. There will always be something else to worry about later. I want you to enjoy your happy day.”

Did Chris know? Was he that obvious? He loved Chris, he loved that Chris knew him this well, he loved that Chris cared enough to say this to him.

“This is adorable.” Jacob’s voice was almost pleasant but not quite. Trevor tensed; if Jacob started trouble, if Jacob fucked this up for him…

“I have to go,” Chris whispered, kissing his cheek and pulling back. “Trevor’s very adorable,” Chris told Jacob.

“He really is,” Jacob said. “So’s all of that new shit on his car.”

“It’s very shiny,” Chris said.

“Yeah. I’m surprised he’d spend that much money on it.”

“It’s his money,” Chris said. “People are usually surprised about what I spend money on, too.” He reached for the doorknob. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye,” Trevor said, grateful for Chris’s loyalty. Chris’s eyes smiled at him, and then Chris left.

“You didn’t tell him,” Jacob said.

Trevor headed for the stairs. “Stay out of my business.”

“I’m going to let you go this time,” JC said, following Erik to the front door. “But next time I see you, we’re going to get to the good stuff.” When Erik turned to face him, he put a hand on Erik’s chest. “And don’t over think it or talk yourself out of anything. Just remember how good it felt when Howie touched you.”

“It felt scary good,” Erik admitted. “Is that what it feels like when I touch you?”

“I love the way you touch me,” JC said, kissing him, kissing him again. “I can’t wait for you to come back tomorrow.”

“At least I know I’m in for an interesting day.”

“Remember to tell Howie what I said.”

“I will.”

“And thank you for the bears and the flowers and the watch and the note.”

“You can tell Howie when you see him.” Erik kissed him. “Bye.”

“Bye, Erik-Michael.” Erik left; JC closed the door.

The sweat dried.

His tears didn’t.

He didn’t need a mirror; he’d seen it before, and had no desire to see it again. His skin felt hot and sore all down his back from shoulder to knee. Kevin had gone easy on him.

As ashamed as he was of what had been done to his body, he didn’t cover it. He didn’t want clothes touching his enflamed skin, reminding him.

Would AJ come for him?

Would Kevin ever want him again?

Kevin wanted him to apologize to Brian. Would Kevin have instructions for him later? That meant that Kevin would interact with him again. Maybe when that happened, he could apologize to Kevin, too, and try to explain.

Now that Kevin was gone, a million explanations whirled through his head. A million ways to try to make Kevin see how hard he had tried to please him.

He’d asked Brian about Joey because he wanted to obey. He’d tried to be good. He’d needed to be sure, and he hadn’t wanted to bother Kevin.

He’d ended up bothering Brian instead. He should have known better.

He crawled back onto the bed. He’d failed Kevin. He’d upset Kevin. He’d offended Kevin.

Brian had been nice to him. So reassuring. He’d been wrong to take anything from Brian. He owed Brian an apology.

He’d been afraid of Brian, but he’d tried to cooperate, he’d tried to be nice. Brian had been nice back, but Brian had been wearing Kevin’s shirts…

And AJ had said that it was okay.

Brian had been nice. He shouldn’t have taken anything from Brian. He’d been selfish. Greedy. Brian had been good to him, supportive and kind.

He owed Brian an apology.

Rubbing his wrist, Justin whispered to himself.

Kevin. Obedience. AJ. Respect. Brian. Love. Howie. Reverence. Nick.

Continue on to part seventy-one

matthew@matthewtime.com
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I have a new series that's updated weekly. It's a bright, happy yin to the dark, sinister yang of "Sucker."

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