"Sucker"

Sucker

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Continued from part fifty-three

Moaning as his back hit the mattress, Erik shoved Howie’s underwear down, curving his hands over Howie’s firm ass. Howie kissed him passionately, hungrily, quickly stripping him, and he was getting hard against Howie, and Howie was hard against him, and he was moaning, and Howie was grinding against him, making his body go up in flames.

This kiss, greedy, demanding, Howie wasn’t like this, Howie was too suave for this, but it felt incredible, to be wanted like this, to be needed. Erik kissed back with equal passion, hands urging the rhythm of his hips, and when Howie made a soft, lusting noise, Erik groaned, thighs hugging Howie’s waist.

He’d been terrorized in his own home, his life had flashed before his eyes, he’d thought and thought and thought and hurt, and now he wanted it all to go away. He wanted to latch onto something, and Howie was right here with him, pleading, needing, hungry. He wanted someone to help him decide what to do, and Howie was making the decision for him.

When Howie began to fist his dick, jacking him urgently, he got louder, desperate, not wanting to come too fast but unable to do much about it. Dropping his head back, arching, he fucked Howie’s hand, running greedy hands over Howie’s back and ass and thighs, groaning Howie’s name and begging for release. He needed the burst of pleasure, he needed something good to explode inside to wipe out the fear and confusion, he needed-

“Fuck, Howie, just like, yes, like, yes, god-” and then he was crying out and shuddering and coming on himself.

“Erik-Michael,” Howie said, like he couldn’t take it, and kissed him, running lusting hands over his hot flesh, rocking against him, erection sliding hot and hard over his stomach. God, it felt, oh, the rhythm of it, the rocking motion, he moved with it, moaning at the subtle full-body - - oh, god, it was just like fucking. Hypnotic and erotic and rhythmic, powerful and intoxicating and god, he just wanted to open up for it, let it in, live it out.

Kissing him hungrily, gripping his hips and making the softest, sexiest noises right next to his ear, hot breath on his neck, Howie fucked against him, Howie’s body clutched between his thighs, rocking him with each thrust, Howie’s hard dick driving through the cum on his stomach, burning against him.

Erik was starting to tingle in weird places, starting to vibrate in even weirder ones. He couldn’t stop urging Howie to go faster, to rock him harder. He couldn’t stop moaning like Howie’s orgasm would be his own. There was something about the joint rhythm of their bodies that made him think that if they just took one more step, it would feel fucking fantastic. There were ways to make this experience even better.

One specific way.

“God, Howie,” he panted, shuddering at the sudden rush of new urges.

“Erik-Michael,” Howie said, kissing his neck and panting in his ear. No one this muscular had ever ridden him like this before, and it felt incredible. Howie’s hands were squeezing the backs of his thighs, and he knew what Howie wanted, and his body loved the idea. “Erik-Michael, oh,” Howie made the breathiest sound of ecstasy and came, fingers digging in, jism spurting over his chest.

The rhythmic rocking stopped.

Howie breathed in his ear.

Howie’s fingers relaxed.

Erik had no idea what to do now.

The fucking motion was addictive. It intoxicated his body. It made him think that he wanted things that he didn’t. Okay, so this particular move felt great, but that didn’t mean that the next step in the sequence was something he needed to do. His body was easily confused.

If it felt this great to girls when he humped them, no wonder they let him in.

But they were girls. He was a guy. A straight guy, usually. He couldn’t actually let Howie fuck him.

Obviously, JC loved it, but that was JC. JC wasn’t normal in a lot of ways.

Ashley liked it.

Trevor liked it.

And a lot of other people, he assumed.

But not him.

Howie kissed him, making a new, faint, satisfied sound. He kissed back, because maybe some things he was still uncertain about, but kissing he definitely knew. Howie lowered his legs, stroking his thighs, caressing his pelvis, and their mouths made love for a long while.

“Erik-Michael,” Howie said, licking at his mouth, sucking gently. Howie’s hand slid over his arousal, giving him a warm squeeze. “Tell me how I can make you happy.”

He was extremely happy in Howie’s hand, but now he wanted to turn the tables and see what it was like. “I want to fuck against you.” It wasn’t like they’d never done this before, but something about it tonight, something about the lust behind it or the angle of their bodies or Erik’s recent scare, had changed things.

When he rolled over, Howie went with him easily, murmuring acceptance and letting go of his dick with another squeeze. Finding the right alignment of their bodies, Erik began to grind against Howie, kissing him, picking up a steady rhythm. Howie stroked his spine, hips rolling fluidly, breath quick and soft.

Erik moved faster, rocked with a little more force, pushing Howie’s body to keep up with him. Eyes closed, hands greedy, Erik pretended that he was fucking Howie, really fucking Howie, jolting Howie’s body with each thrust, deep in Howie’s gorgeous ass, making Howie moan, really giving it to him, really, god, fucking him, fucking him hard, and Howie’s ass had to be so tight, and maybe he could finally make Howie make some real noise, maybe - - “oh, unh, ah!” He came, fantasy and reality blurring, his hands jerking Howie’s hips up as he groaned his pleasure against Howie’s neck.

Howie rubbed the fuzz of his hair and kissed his ear.

Blinking, Erik raised himself off of Howie, barely making it to Howie’s side before his muscles gave out on him.

Well, his urge to fuck was alive and kicking.

Howie kissed him, stroking his cheek. “Do you want to get cleaned up and meet me in my bed?” Howie asked.

There was no point in avoiding it now. “Yeah,” Erik said.

Howie kissed him again. “I love all of those sounds you make. I think I heard some new ones tonight.”

“I love the sounds you make, too.” He ran his fingers through Howie’s hair. “You could make more, if you wanted.”

Howie smiled. “I might, if I’m properly motivated.”

“Yeah?” Erik kissed him, licking gently. “And what motivates you?”

Howie told him, in a soft whisper, kissing his ear and stroking his nipples.

Erik was so turned on, his eyes rolled back in his head. “Is that anatomically possible?” he asked, when Howie was finished.

“JC does it,” Howie said, kissing him sweetly like lewd words hadn’t just rolled off of that tongue.

“JC’s not human,” Erik said.

Howie laughed.

Getting up in the middle of the night to visit the bathroom, Trevor saw light from Ashley’s room. Wondering why Ashley was still awake, he looked in through the open doorway.

Ashley was curled up on the bed, fast asleep.

Jacob slept sprawled beside him.

Trevor turned off the light and went back to bed.

Screams of sheer horror wakened AJ. Sitting up, he clapped his hand over Justin’s face, covering Justin’s mouth and pinching his nose shut.

Justin’s eyes popped open; he shoved AJ away, sucking in air. “What the fuck-”

“You were screaming,” AJ said, running his fingers through his own hair, watching Justin sit up and frown at him.

“I can’t sleep without Dan,” Justin said, touching his neck like he could feel the strain of screaming.

“Bullshit,” AJ said. “You’ve slept with your friends. You slept with me just fine.”

“Because I felt safe,” Justin said.

“Safe with me,” AJ said.

“Maybe, I don’t know,” Justin said. “My world was finally becoming secure, I finally felt like I could relax. Dan made me feel so protected. I knew that I could count on him, I knew-”

“He’s gone,” AJ said. “You and I are going to spend a lot of nights together, so you’d better find a way to sleep. What do you need, you need me to hold you like Dan?”

“You don’t give a fuck about me!” Justin protested. “Dan makes me feel safe because I know him, I trust him, he sacrifices for me. You don’t make me feel safe, you make me feel angry and frustrated and used and helpless and-”

“Do you want to go dancing?” AJ asked.

“You-”

“Real dancing,” AJ said. “Not as code for fucking. Regular dancing.” He watched Justin want to resist. “You know it’ll help.”

“I don’t know,” Justin said. “I’m tired. Everything inside of me hurts. I just want to go to sleep.”

“You want to escape,” AJ said.

“Do you know any poetry?” Justin asked.

“Poetry?” AJ repeated, raising his eyebrows.

“Forget it.” Justin flopped onto his back, rubbing his eyes. “You’d better come up with something to help me relax, because if I can’t sleep, I won’t let you sleep, either. And we’re going to go through this every night.”

“Getting off would relax you,” AJ said, one hand stealing over Justin’s abs.

“You wish,” Justin muttered, lowering his hands.

“You want me to fuck you?” AJ asked, easing closer until their bodies touched.

Justin rolled onto his side to press against AJ as if it were the most natural move in the world. “No.” His hands slid over AJ’s body. “I can’t believe I’m trapped here with you. I can’t believe I have to deal with you. I can’t believe you took away the only good new thing in my life.”

AJ stroked Justin’s skin. “Tell me that you hate me,” AJ whispered, and kissed him.

“I hate you,” Justin said, relaxing into AJ’s touch.

“Works for me,” AJ murmured, and kissed him again.

Chris was up and about before sunrise. He admired his photograph of Brian. He took a shower. He admired his photograph again. He called Brian and got no answer. He admired his photograph some more.

Brian looked happy. Happy. Sexy. Fun.

The Brian he’d fallen in love with.

Brian being sexy, well, now it was ridiculously obvious. Before, though, initially, he hadn’t seen Brian that way. Then Brian had been kind enough to warp his sexuality for him. But, originally, he’d thought of Brian in nonsexual, platonic terms. Brian had been his best friend.

Growing up, Chris had had friends. Really good friends, very close friends. And he’d had girlfriends, great girlfriends. And he’d had family members. And then he’d had *NSYNC. Looking back over his life, JC and Justin and Lance and Joey were the people he’d been closest to, the ones he’d shared the most with, the ones he could count on.

But Brian… He’d exposed more of himself to Brian than he’d ever suspected existed. He’d discovered entirely new aspects of his own psychology. He’d given Brian all of himself, every last bit of himself. He’d turned himself inside out for Brian. He’d even tried to be other people for Brian.

Brian knew him better than anyone could.

Brian knew him better than anyone should.

Brian moaned softly into Lance’s kiss. “You smell so wonderful,” he breathed, running both hands over Lance’s chest, going in for another kiss.

Lance laughed, rolling onto his back and guiding Brian closer. He’d lounged in bed while Brian got up, showered, and dressed. “I thought you were leaving,” he said, plucking at Brian’s shirt, indulging Brian with a slow, warm kiss.

“I can’t go without a good-bye kiss,” Brian said, nuzzling Lance’s neck. “You were incredible last night.”

Last night had been…different. It had never been like that before, not with Brian. Slower, more sensual, more intimate. Lance wasn’t ready to discuss that. “Thanks for coming over.”

Slow kisses, one after the other, like Brian just couldn’t stay away. “I’m just glad you called.”

“You have to go,” Lance reminded him, rubbing his nipples through his shirt. “Jacob’s waiting for you.”

Brian shuddered away, giving him a disgusted look. “You didn’t have to use his name.”

Laughing, Lance sat up, kissing Brian and herding him off of the bed. “He hasn’t seen you or even talked to you since before he fucked me. He’s probably going out of his mind.”

“That’s exactly where we want him,” Brian said. He sighed. “It’s not fair to deny me…this,” he gestured at Lance, “and send me off to…that.”

“Life isn’t fair,” Lance said with a smile, stretching back against the pillows.

Brian’s gaze drifted down Lance’s body. “Fairness is relative,” he said, sounding very distracted. “God, you’re beautiful.”

With a smile, Lance made a shooing motion. “You can admire me later. Jacob’s waiting.”

“It shouldn’t be this hard to stay on-task,” Brian said, finally returning his gaze to above Lance’s neck. “You’re a bad influence on me.”

Lance rolled onto his stomach, giving Brian a new view. “Have fun with the mangy bitch.”

With a pained groan, Brian forced himself from the room. “Why would the world do this to me?”

Kevin wakened slowly to the feel of soft lips and wet kisses on his chest. Opening his eyes with a smile, he shifted his hips, turning his knee to one side.

“Good morning,” he said, stroking Chris’s nape.

“Morning,” Chris said, kissing a downward path.

Kevin closed his eyes with a pleased groan as Chris’s tongue swirled over his dickhead. Mmm… Just right. Chris really was a quick learner, and so thorough. Moaning, Kevin felt sexual thrill roll through his body. Each motion was so right, so good, it was almost like the real thing. Slipping one hand down, Kevin adjusted Chris’s grip on his dick, and yes, everything locked into place, so perfect that Kevin felt familiar tremors of pleasure, tremors he’d only ever associated with one person in his life.

It really was great blowjob technique. A little complex, and his tongue got tired if Kevin held off orgasm for too long, but when Chris rolled his fingers and sucked just so, Kevin made the most interesting sounds.

After Kevin came, Chris raised his head, licking his lips. Kevin’s eyes were closed. Climbing off of Kevin, Chris sat beside him, waiting.

Green eyes opened and studied him. Kevin’s hand rubbed up Chris’s arm. Squeezed gently. Rubbed back down. “You’re different,” Kevin said.

“From everyone else in the world, I think,” Chris said.

Smiling, Kevin sat up, hand on Chris’s thigh now. “Yes, but I meant specifically from your friends. You know more than they do. You understand more.”

“I have information they don’t,” Chris said. He didn’t want them to have it, for their own good.

“You’re interesting,” Kevin said.

Chris had to admit that he couldn’t imagine Kevin finding him particularly interesting. But Kevin looked intrigued.

“You’re funny,” Kevin said. “You’re useful. I don’t have the patience to deal with your friends, but you’re different. You’re smart enough to learn and you’re not too stubborn to take direction.”

These were odd compliments, but they seemed sincere.

“You’ve been a great help to me,” Kevin said. “You have a role to fill and a job to do, and you get it done. And you’ve helped AJ and Howie.” A slow, pleased smile. “I like that.”

Chris wondered where this was going. Maybe Kevin had a tough assignment for him.

Kevin cupped Chris’s chin in one hand, smile shifting into his eyes. “You’re unique. I like you.”

Chris wasn’t at all prepared to believe that. Yes, Kevin had been nice to him for a while now, but that was to get him to cooperate. It wasn’t because Kevin actually had softer feelings for him.

Kevin kissed him.

Although… Maybe…

AJ didn’t even have good cereal. Justin was hungry, so he made himself a big, angry breakfast. He hadn’t eaten much yesterday, after having his only source of hope ripped from his life.

He wanted to call Dan. Talk to Dan. Explain, apologize. Drive over to Dan’s house and crawl into Dan’s bed and seek the comfort that only Dan’s embrace could give.

Strolling into the kitchen, AJ kissed Justin’s cheek and stole a slice of toast from his plate. “Morning, sunshine.”

“Fuck off,” Justin muttered.

“You need to call your boys,” AJ said. “I spread the word to mine, but you need to tell them what happened.”

Right. They were all supposed to keep each other informed. But Justin didn’t feel up to it. Explain it four times? “Can I tell one of them and have him tell the others?”

“It’s up to you,” AJ said, and explained what he should tell them.

Trevor discovered Dan in the kitchen, making coffee. “Hey, you’re home.”

“Yeah.” Dan looked like he hadn’t slept.

“Are you okay?” Trevor asked. “What happened with AJ?”

“He took Justin back,” Dan said, pouring himself a cup. “I fucked up and now AJ’s taking over Justin’s life again.” He took his mug and left the room.

Trevor stared after him. “What? Dan!” He ran after Dan. “Hey! What?!”

Lance picked up his phone, pouring a glass of milk. “Hello.”

“God, I don’t know where to start.”

Lance set down the milk, paying attention. “Justin?”

“I’m only doing this once, so I need you to pass it on to the other guys,” Justin said.

“Okay,” Lance said. Justin sounded shaky, but not too shaky, like he’d been through something bad but somehow had convinced himself that he could hold it together. “Talk to me.”

“AJ dragged me out of my house and over to his house yesterday, and fucked me. When Dan came over to confront him about attacking Erik, surprise surprise, there I was, fresh from AJ’s bed. Now I’m AJ’s boyfriend for life again, and Dan’s out of the picture, and I’m totally fucked. Except that’s not how you’re supposed to describe it. The four of you are supposed to be happy and supportive, like AJ and I were always great together, you’re all glad to see us back together, it’s about time, that sort of complete bullshit.”

That was a lot of new information, and Justin had recited it like every word was poison. Lance didn’t know where to begin. “You and AJ are together. A real couple.”

“Yeah. I’m supposed to be right at his side twenty-four hours a day, especially right now, but god, I can’t wait to get away from him.”

Those last words had said enough, but Justin’s bleak and desperate tone said even more. “And we’re supposed to be happy about this?” Lance asked.

“The whole ‘AJ is an abusive psycho’ thing is Dan’s propaganda,” Justin said. “Apparently Backstreet worked out this whole history including personal anecdotes, so you should ask Brian or somebody for more details. It turns out, AJ never was an abusive psycho, he’s just possessive, because he’s so in love, and I’m the same way.”

“You’re possessive of AJ,” Lance said. “Okay. Justin, I’ll go along with whatever plan you’ve worked out, and I’ll talk to everyone about this, but what’s wrong? You sound miserable.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Justin said. “I’m a burden to everyone. I can’t expect too much from the four of you, because you’re all going through something, too. I can’t put my own shit aside to help you, so I can’t ask you to put yours aside for me.”

“Are you upset because of AJ or because of Dan?” Lance asked, suspecting that he already knew the answer.

“Dan was free to be there for me,” Justin said. It sounded like he’d needed to say Dan’s name. “You don’t have the same emotional resources he does, you’re already dealing with Howie and Brian and JC and Chris.”

“I want to help you,” Lance said.

“But you can’t make promises to me right now,” Justin said. “Dan could be there for me, day or night. God, Lance…”

Lance heard the catch in Justin’s breath, like a held-back sob. Justin was coming apart, coming apart right on the other end of the line, and who could Lance blame for that? Kevin? AJ? Dan?

“He loves me,” Justin said. “I’ve never known anyone like Dan, he changed everything. My entire world has been slammed upside-down and sent through a blender, and Dan just walked right in and started putting everything back. He’s so positive and he’s so good and he doesn’t deserve this, this shouldn’t happen to him. I’ve done this to him, I’ve betrayed him, I’ve…” Justin’s voice was in tortured tatters, guilt-ridden and utterly lost. “I don’t know why this is happening, I don’t know why we’re doing this, I don’t know why we’re here.”

“Do you want me to come over?” Lance asked. He had plans, but he could change them. Justin was unraveling, had already unraveled, and he didn’t trust AJ to do a damned thing about it.

“No,” Justin said. “Not here, not yet.”

At least Justin was with AJ, not Kevin. AJ might not make things better, but Kevin would make any situation infinitely worse.

Either picking up on Lance’s thoughts, or simply following his own constant merry-go-round of ideas, Justin said, “I wish that Kevin would come for me. I wish-”

“No,” Lance said. “Kevin’s not going to help you. How would that help you? You know that he’s bad for you, you know that you’ll only walk away feeling worse. And you won’t have Dan to save you.”

Silence.

Lance winced. He probably shouldn’t have-

“I won’t have Dan to save me,” Justin repeated quietly, as if to himself. “I won’t have Dan. I don’t have Dan anymore.”

Shit. “Sorry,” Lance said. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I just wanted to make a point. The idea of being with Kevin right now... That’s exactly what you don’t need. You can’t want that, Justin. He’ll hurt you. He always does.”

“Not always,” Justin said, softly. “Not every time.”

Lance couldn’t pretend to believe that.

Erik was withdrawn. He hadn’t touched Howie all morning, and he’d barely spoken.

Howie had smoothed things over the night before, but he’d known that it was only a temporary fix. Erik internalized things too well for everything to be glossed over with one conversation and a few orgasms. Last night, Howie had insisted on drawing Erik back in. This morning, he was going to let Erik go.

Sometimes, it was best to keep Erik from thinking. Sometimes, it was wiser to let Erik come to his own conclusions. If they could even be called his own, anymore.

First, Howie had to make Erik pull away. So, when passing by where Erik sat at the kitchen table, Howie reached out to stroke his hair.

Erik flinched away from his hand.

Time to push. He couldn’t let Erik get away with too much of that behavior, without comment.

“Maybe I don’t understand,” Howie said. Sitting across from Erik, he took a sip of coffee. “JC and I have let you in. That’s something we’ve never done with anyone else. Before you, I couldn’t have imagined ever inviting someone into bed with us. I would never have shared JC. We’ve built what I thought was a very intimate, very special relationship with you.” Howie folded his hands together, regarding Erik with newly suspicious eyes. “And that’s something that you can throw away without a second thought?”

Surprised, offended, Erik sat up straighter. “I’m not throwing anything away. Without a second thought - - I haven’t been able to think about anything else! All I can think about is you, and JC, and what AJ said.”

AJ had said some viciously powerful things. “What did he say?” Howie asked, his voice quiet but insistent. He knew that Erik wouldn’t tell him.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Erik said.

Calculated frustration threaded through Howie’s tone. “How can this friendship work if you won’t tell me anything?”

Erik’s phone rang. Instead of replying to Howie, he answered the phone. Someday, he’d get over that habit. “What?” Wincing, he mouthed “shit” to himself. “Sorry, I didn’t know what time it was. No, I - - yeah, I - - yes! Jacob, yes! God, get off my ass! I’ll be right there! I’m on my way right now!” He hung up. “Damn it.”

Now Erik would try to walk out without finishing their discussion. “Erik-Michael,” Howie said.

“I have to go,” Erik said, avoiding Howie’s eyes, getting up from the table. “I’m already late.”

Interesting, how that was only a problem when it was convenient for Erik. Time to shift subjects. “I want to get started on romancing JC right away,” Howie said. “I want to get everything ready today.” He watched Erik’s face, even though Erik wouldn’t look at him. “I’d really like it if you’d come back here and help me make plans.” As soon as he got Erik to commit to returning that day, the entire next phase could move into place.

Erik finally gave Howie a brief glance. “Maybe that’s something you should do by yourself.”

Howie kept his tone soft and inviting, but not pushy. The subtly beseeching guilt trip was one of his specialties. “It would mean a lot to me if you’d help me,” he said. “I want your perspective, and I could use the support. I’ve never done anything like this before, and I don’t trust anyone else with something this important. You know JC, you care about him-”

“Fine, yeah, okay,” Erik said. He was only giving in because he wanted Howie to stop talking. “I’ll come over later.”

“Thank you,” Howie said, with the perfect, light note of gratitude just shading his tone.

Erik shifted his weight. He was uncomfortable; he wanted to retreat. “I’d better go.”

Not yet. “I’m sorry about what happened,” Howie said. “AJ had no right to attack you, and he had no right to say whatever he said. But you can’t let what anyone else thinks keep you away from what matters to you.” It was time to move in; keeping Erik physically engaged helped to keep him emotionally involved. Rising, Howie came around the table. “JC and I didn’t want to make your life harder,” he said, closer now, gazing up into Erik’s face. “We care about you so much, Erik-Michael, you know that. We’re selfish, we don’t want to let you go. But we would never want to force you to stay in our lives if you thought that you’d be happier without us.”

“No,” Erik said. “No, it’s not, don’t…” He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest, looking over Howie’s head. “It’s not that I’d be happier without you,” he said, and then closed his eyes, grimacing. “God, I don’t know why this is so hard.”

If this was hard, what would Erik call what Howie intended to do to him? “Honey,” Howie whispered, putting a hand on his arm. “Just talk to me.”

“I can’t,” Erik said, opening his eyes, pulling away. “There are things I’m not ready to talk about.”

Time for the token protest. “Erik-Michael-”

“I have to go,” Erik said, moving to the doorway. “I’ll come over later.”

Howie watched him walk away.

Not a bad morning’s work.

Erik tended to deal with problems himself. He clammed up and pulled away, instead of turning to others for help. Lance tended to do the same thing. For a while, though, Lance had shared everything with Howie, including any problems, any burdens, any fears.

Then Howie had become the biggest problem that Lance had ever had.

Chris pressed Brian’s photograph between two slim pieces of cardboard, tied string around the cardboard in two directions, and wrapped everything in bubble wrap. Tucking that inside a shoebox, he hid the shoebox in the back on a top shelf in his closet.

The doorbell rang.

Dan was up and moving before anyone else could react.

“Is Justin seriously back together with AJ?” Ashley whispered.

“That’s what he said,” Trevor whispered back.

“Do you think I should call Joey?” Ashley asked.

“What’s he going to do about it?” Jacob asked. “He never stopped Justin from fucking up before.”

“Jake,” Dan said, coming back into the kitchen. “Brian’s here.”

Jacob practically ran from the room, abandoning the others to hurry to where Brian stood by the front door.

He hadn’t seen Brian in days. After seeing Lance again, after, he couldn’t bear to think of it, fucking Lance, Jacob had been plagued by self-doubt. He’d done the wrong thing, he’d done the right thing for the wrong reason, he’d made a terrible mistake, he’d made all of the wrong choices, he’d betrayed his love for Brian, he’d cheapened his love for Brian, he’d tainted himself.

Now, seeing Brian again, seeing Brian’s smile, Brian’s warm blue eyes, Brian’s happiness to see him, Jacob knew that he’d done the right thing. It had been a terrible thing to do, but it would bring him closer to Brian. It would. He’d make sure of it. He’d find a way.

Brian greeted him with a tight hug. “How’ve you been? You look terrific, I’ve missed those blue eyes. How are you doing?”

“You sound like you haven’t seen me in months,” Jacob said, but he liked it.

“It feels like it’s been weeks, at least,” Brian said, fingertips briefly touching Jacob’s jaw. “Are you all right? I was coming over here, I wanted to invite you out to brunch but I wasn’t smart enough to call and make sure you hadn’t already eaten first, and then my phone rang and Howie told me what happened with AJ. AJ and Erik. I’m so sorry,” Brian said, his eyes filled with concern and regret. “Are you okay? Is Erik all right?”

“He’s not all right,” Jacob said. “He was really upset yesterday, and then he left, and he didn’t come back and now he’s late. We wanted to work on our vocals today, but-” He was getting off-track. “Yesterday was bad, Erik was really shaken up by whatever AJ did to him. He didn’t give us a lot of details, but I’ve never seen him like that.”

“I’m so sorry,” Brian said again. “AJ’s been spinning out of control ever since Justin left him, it’s getting worse and worse. We don’t know what to do about it, we’ve tried to talk to him but…” Brian’s voice trailed off helplessly.

“Well, then he should be fine, now,” Jacob said. “They’re back together.”

Brian stared at him. “What? Who’s back together?”

“AJ and Justin,” Jacob said. “That’s what Dan told Trevor. I guess Justin went back to AJ.”

“Oh, my god,” Brian said, his voice hushed with wonder. “Oh, my - - I have to call AJ. Can I use your room? Do you mind?”

“No, go ahead,” Jacob said.

Brian took one step away, then turned back. “Have you had breakfast? Can we go out for brunch? Do you have time?”

“Yeah, after rehearsal.”

“Great.” Brian squeezed his arm and left.

Jacob watched him go.

Brian had missed him.

Missed his blue eyes.

Jacob smiled.

Justin wandered the rooms of AJ’s house.

He felt lost.

Adrift.

He wasn’t trapped there. He could probably go out, if he wanted. But AJ would go with him. AJ wouldn’t leave his side.

He didn’t want to go out, go back to his friends and his home and his life, with AJ in tow. He didn’t want AJ intruding upon his reality. He wasn’t ready.

Going back to his life, would mean going back to a world without Dan. Justin wasn’t prepared to face that. Life without Dan wasn’t a life that he could handle. Here, he was in limbo. There, he’d be in hell.

“Are you going to get dressed?” AJ asked.

“No.” He’d showered, and he had on yesterday’s underwear and T-shirt because he didn’t want to be too exposed to AJ’s gaze. But he didn’t feel like getting dressed. If he did get dressed, it’d have to be in yesterday’s clothes. Soon, he’d have to go home, to get fresh clothes. He didn’t want to wear AJ’s.

He’d felt closer to AJ, recently. But AJ had broken his world, his stability, his fragile sense of security and hope and peace.

Rubbing his wrist, Justin went into the guest room. Closing the door, he sat on the bed.

There was a TV. Maybe he’d watch it.

There had been a phone in the room, yesterday. It was gone now. AJ had known he’d come back in here for privacy; AJ had taken the phone.

His cell phone was in AJ’s room.

He wanted to call Dan.

He wanted to call Kevin.

Maybe he could talk to Chris. JC?

He wondered what was happening at the Townhouse. They were probably in the middle of rehearsal. He hoped that they weren’t fighting. Dan didn’t need more stress.

Brian talked to AJ for a while, drifting around Jacob’s room, touching things. Then he called Lance.

When he emerged from Jacob’s room, everyone was in the practice room, standing in a circle, singing. Erik had shown up, finally, but it was clear that his mind was elsewhere. And not just because he was flat; he was always flat. Dan was doing his best to stay focused, but couldn’t pull it off; his attention wandered frequently, and his expression was haunted. Ashley was worried about Erik and Dan. Jacob was irritated by Erik, Dan, and Ashley. Trevor was more centered on the moment and the singing than everyone else, but Trevor never had been the group’s best singer.

“Stop, stop, stop,” Jacob said, mid-chorus. “This is shit! Where the hell are you guys?”

“We’re right here,” Erik snapped.

“Everyone’s a little distracted today,” Ashley said. “Erik went through a lot yesterday, maybe we can cut him some slack right now.”

“Every day there’s a different excuse!” Jacob protested. “We can’t put this off every day because someone else has a new problem!”

The doorbell rang.

“Damn it!” Jacob was frustrated; Dan was already through the door. “Five minutes! Can someone do some work for five minutes!”

Brian listened to them argue. Sitting on the floor every morning was getting old. Maybe he could bring a chair. At least a pillow.

It occurred to him that Dan had been gone for a few minutes.

Curious, he slipped discreetly from the room.

Chris wished that someone else had answered the door.

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” he said again. “Justin’s in love with AJ. AJ makes him happy. It’s not my place to tell Justin to leave a relationship, the five of us don’t do that, we don’t interfere like that. I can tell him that you want to talk to him-”

“He knows that I want to talk to him,” Dan insisted, clearly frustrated and desperate but trying to stay reasonable. “AJ won’t let me talk to him. If you could get me in contact with him, if I could meet him at your house-”

“Chris?”

Chris whipped around, wide-eyed. Brian. Brian, Brian. He’d seen Brian’s car outside, he’d touched it a little, but he hadn’t known where in the house Brian was, and-

“Are you here to see Trevor?” Brian asked, approaching with a polite smile. It was obvious to everyone present that Brian had heard Chris and Dan’s conversation, and was deliberately interrupting. “Everyone’s rehearsing, they’re working on vocals today. They probably need you in there,” he reminded Dan.

“Yeah,” Dan said. “I’ll talk to you later,” he said to Chris, and walked away.

Instead of following Dan, Brian stepped closer to Chris, lowering his voice. “You know that AJ and Justin are back together.”

“Lance told me,” Chris said. “Justin misses Dan.” He wanted to touch Brian. Brian was so close that Chris could see each individual tiny hair as the outer edge of Brian’s eyebrow tapered off.

“What did Dan say to you?” Brian asked.

He and Brian were holding a conversation. Without witnesses, but anyone could walk in and see them. “He told me that AJ seduced Justin into going back to him, that AJ’s a danger to Justin, that we as Justin’s friends have to help him. He wants me to talk to Justin for him, to convince Justin to leave AJ. He can’t talk to Justin himself, but I can set up a meeting for them.”

“Will you?” Brian asked.

“If you want me to,” Chris said. “If Kevin wants me to.”

“What if Justin wants you to?” Brian asked.

“If it’s not approved by one of you, I can’t,” Chris said. “It might not be good for the overall plan.”

Brian smiled. A happy, proud smile.

“I love you,” Chris whispered.

“Do you know what to say to Trevor if he asks you about Justin and AJ?” Brian asked.

“Yes,” Chris said. “Kevin told me.” He was now prepared to sound much more coherent than he had last time.

“Good.”

Somewhere in the background, Chris was aware of raised voices. He gazed into Brian’s eyes.

“You look good today,” Brian said. “Trevor must keep you happy.”

“You look beautiful,” Chris said. “You always do.”

The voices got louder. The door must have opened.

“They haven’t been getting along very well lately,” Brian said, glancing over his shoulder.

“They’ve all found something new to put first in their lives, above the group,” Chris said.

“I’d never put anything else above the fellas,” Brian said, returning his gaze to Chris.

“I know,” Chris said.

“Jacob!” Dan shouted. But Jacob was walking away, coming towards Brian and Chris. “Practice is over,” he told Brian.

Chris crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself around the memory of the photograph in his closet. That Brian was his Brian. No one else’s. Not Jacob’s, not Lance’s. Once, there had been a Brian that was his and his alone. No one could take that away from him.

“Are you sure?” Brian asked.

“Yeah,” Jacob said. “I’ll get changed and we can go.” He looked at Chris. “How are you doing?”

“Fine,” Chris said. “Practice sounded great.” He probably shouldn’t have said that. “Where are you going?” The words had come out sounding fairly casual.

“I’m taking Jacob to brunch,” Brian said. “I’d ask if you and Trevor wanted to come, but-”

“Not right now,” Jacob said. “Believe me, the more distance between the five of us right now, the better.” He walked away, presumably to change clothes. Not that Jacob’s clothes ever looked drastically different.

“Brunch is nice,” Chris said. Brian was painfully beautiful.

“Hey,” Trevor said. He put his arm around Chris’s waist, and Chris almost pulled away before remembering that Trevor was supposed to touch him like that. “Can we go to your place?”

Brian was leaving, anyway. “Okay,” Chris said.

“Can we take separate cars?” Trevor asked.

“Okay,” Chris said. He didn’t care either way; he didn’t bother to figure out why it would matter.

“You should see what I’m driving,” Trevor told Brian. “Chris let me borrow one of his cars while mine’s in the shop. I’ve never driven a machine like this.”

Brian smiled. “Which one?”

While Trevor and Brian talked, Chris watched Brian. The interest in Brian’s eyes. The smile curving Brian’s lips. The curls across Brian’s forehead. The crinkles beside his eyes when he laughed.

Then Jacob returned, hair pulled back neatly, jeans about to slide down slim hips, long-sleeved T-shirt clinging to his lean, fit torso.

Then Brian and Jacob left.

Chris watched them go.

Trevor’s arm was still around him.

He uncrossed his arms and leaned into Trevor’s side. His fingers stroked Trevor’s on his hip. “He’s so much better-looking than I am. And sexier.”

“Who, Brian?” Trevor asked.

Chris almost laughed. “Jacob.”

“Jacob?” Trevor repeated. “Are you - - better-looking than you? Sexier than you? Chris, have you looked at Jacob’s hair?”

“He’s younger than I am,” Chris said.

“Yeah, and skinny as hell,” Trevor said. “Nobody wants that.”

Chris rested his head on Trevor’s shoulder. “What do you think of Brian?”

“Honestly?” Trevor asked. “I think you’re sexier than everybody I know. But, seriously, Brian Littrell? The man is fine. He’s here practically every day, but I still can’t get used to looking at him. It’s like…wow.”

Chris smiled.

“That’s not, you’re not jealous or anything, are you?” Trevor asked. “I didn’t, I’m not-”

“No, I’m not jealous,” Chris said.

“After living with Ashley for years, you’d think I’d be immune,” Trevor said. “Sometimes I still just kind of stare at him, like, is he really that handsome or am I just imagining it?”

“Really?” Chris asked. “You think Ashley’s attractive?”

A knock at the door.

Justin muted the TV, glancing at the bedroom door. He was surprised that AJ would knock, instead of entering. If he didn’t open the door, AJ would just barge in. But if he opened the door, maybe AJ would knock next time, too.

Justin wanted to encourage that behavior.

It was less of an invasion.

Having no real desire to interact with AJ, Justin got up anyway and opened the-

His jaw dropped.

Oh, god. Oh, god. His heart pounded a painful beat. “You came,” he whispered. Oh, god, “you came,” oh, god, “you came!”

“Let’s go,” Kevin said, and began to walk away.

Immediately, Justin followed him, dropping the remote control right there in the doorway. Kevin had come for him. Kevin had come for him. He’d waited, he’d hoped, he’d prayed, he’d beseeched, he’d been good, he’d tried to obey.

He’d obeyed AJ when it went against every fiber of his being.

And in return, Kevin had come for him.

“You came for me,” Justin said, following Kevin out the front door and into the driveway, still barefoot in a T-shirt and underwear. “I love you,” god, Kevin, “I knew you’d come,” that black hair, those chiseled features, “I tried so hard to do the right things for you.” Kevin stayed ahead of him; he couldn’t look into Kevin’s eyes. “I’ll obey, it’ll be different this time, I promise, I’ll do anything you want, I love you, I-”

“Get in the back,” Kevin said, opening the driver’s side door.

Right away, as quickly as he could, Justin climbed into the back of the black SUV. Kevin had come for him. Kevin had come for him. His heart was pounding and his vision was shaking and he was determined to be so obedient, Kevin would realize the truth of his love.

Starting the car, Kevin said, “Everything you need is in the bag.”

Everything that Justin needed was in the driver’s seat. But there was a bag at his side, and he opened it.

Clothes.

Blackberry-flavored personal lubricant.

“Oh, god,” Justin whispered, as intense heat flashed through his body. Kevin. Kevin had come for him. Kevin wanted to fuck him. Kevin was going to fuck him. The sudden reality of it left Justin hard and dizzy and breathless.

Kevin had left AJ’s driveway and was now on the road.

He didn’t dare hesitate. The windows were tinted. Justin quickly shed his T-shirt and underwear. Uncapping the lube, he lifted up from the seat and efficiently slicked himself, pushing his finger inside and preparing his body for Kevin.

Kevin wanted him. Kevin was going to fuck him. His body ached and he was already starting to whimper.

Dragging himself back under some semblance of control, determined to behave for Kevin, Justin wiped his fingers clean on his discarded clothes and then dressed in what Kevin had provided. Too-tight jeans worn threadbare in places. A shimmery black mesh shirt. No underwear; no shoes.

He wanted to ask where they were going.

He wanted to ask what would happen when they got there.

Kevin had come for him before. Shown up without warning and taken him away. Sometimes just for a quick fuck. Sometimes overnight. Sometimes for days at a time. Sometimes out of the country. Sometimes it was glorious. Sometimes it was hell. Sometimes it was both.

Justin moved over to sit directly behind Kevin. He swallowed, touching tentative fingers to the back of Kevin’s seat. “Kevin…”

“Go ahead,” Kevin said, turning a corner.

“Thank you for coming to get me,” Justin said quietly. He couldn’t tell where they were going. Not to his house or Kevin’s, not from the looks of it. “I love you so much, and it’s been so hard without you, I’ve been going out of my mind without you, you know how much I love you, you know how much I need you. I’m sorry about the car, I’m not sorry, I had to do it, he was in there with you, he was touching you, you were kissing him, I couldn’t - - but if you’re mad, I’m sorry if you’re mad, I wanted to be good but I couldn’t take it, I wanted to take the motherfucker out.”

“I’m not angry,” Kevin said.

“You’re not?” Kevin wasn’t mad at him? Kevin wasn’t mad at him! “I’ve tried to be good, I’ve tried to do what I thought you’d want me to do. It’s been hard but I’d do anything for you. You know I’d do anything for you.” Kevin had to know, Kevin had to understand Justin’s devotion-

“I know,” Kevin said, calm, matter-of-fact, almost casually dismissive.

“I’ve needed you every day,” Justin said, feeling the sudden pressure of it in his chest, the fear and dread and anxiety and angst wanting to push its way out. “I’ve needed you and loved you and missed you every day. Every hour, every minute. It’s so hard without you, it’s so hard - - I need you, Kevin, please, don’t leave me again. Please, I can be good, I promise you, I’ve learned, I can learn.” The desperation that he felt was in his voice, but the fingers reaching out, trembling, daring to touch Kevin’s arm were hesitant. “Please.”

“You don’t know what you need,” Kevin said. “I know what you need.”

Justin withdrew faltering fingers, aching. Chastened. “You always know,” he whispered. Kevin always knew what he needed. Sometimes it was sex. Sometimes it was punishment. Kevin always knew.

Kevin pushed a button, and as they pulled into a driveway, a garage door rolled up smoothly. Kevin drove into the garage and parked, turning off the car and lowering the door again.

Silence.

“Kevin,” Justin whispered. Where were they? In someone’s house?

Kevin got out, driver’s door slamming shut, and opened Justin’s door.

Kevin looked at him without expression, offering him a hand.

Justin took it. Leaving his clothes behind, he followed Kevin into the house, the point of their physical contact sending nervous ecstasy through his body.

Kevin had come for him. Kevin would give him what he needed.

It was a small house, by the standards of Justin’s current lifestyle. Two stories from the outside; dark inside. Kevin flipped a light switch in the kitchen, and Justin glanced around.

Either the person who lived there was very clean, or no one lived there at all.

Kevin turned to face him, dropping his hand. The loss of Kevin’s touch hurt; Justin stared into Kevin’s eyes, overpowered by the force of Kevin’s direct gaze. His lips parted. His hands rose, lightly fingering the hem of Kevin’s shirt.

Kevin’s gaze drifted, roaming Justin’s face.

Justin’s hands slid slowly up to Kevin’s chest. Kevin. Kevin’s body was firm, hard with muscle, strong. Everything about Kevin was strong. The lines of Kevin’s body fascinated Justin’s fingers.

Kevin’s gaze focused on Justin’s chin. Narrowed.

Justin froze. What had he done wrong, what had he done? Did he have food on his face, had he-

“You know that you have no self-respect,” Kevin said, his voice slow and dark, “and I know that you have no self-respect, but I thought that you were trying to go through the motions of taking care of yourself in a desperate attempt to fool other people.”

Even during the few moments that Kevin had spoken to him lately, it hadn’t been like this, and Justin experienced a painful moment of reorientation.

“If you aren’t even going to take the time to groom yourself or make the effort to look presentable, how do you expect me to fuck you?” Kevin asked.

Kevin was going to fuck him, Kevin had planned to fuck him, had he screwed up so badly that Kevin wouldn’t fuck him? He hadn’t shaved, he should have shaved, he’d shave right now but how? Where? If this was an empty house, there wouldn’t be a razor. Maybe there was a knife, a sharp knife in one of the kitchen drawers, he could-

Kevin shoved him away. “Get in the bathroom and shave it.” Kevin’s gaze was wrathful. “Now.”

Heart pounding, Justin ran.

Continue on to part fifty-five

matthew@matthewtime.com
"Sucker"
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