Sucker
Copyright November 24, 2002-October 14, 2005 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex
Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Lance sat at home, alone. To keep his mind off of what he’d done with Jacob, he watched a travel channel’s special on the joys of visiting sunny Puerto Rico. Remembering his time there with Howie only made his pain worse.
JC sat at home, alone. To keep his mind on how much he absolutely hated that bitch, Ashley, and, by extension, Erik, he watched footage from their concert special. Listening to the five of them sing and watching them dance was almost painful. Seeing how pretty and how amateurish Ashley was only fueled his rage.
Justin holed up in AJ’s guest room, kissed his now bare wrist, and ached. He grieved for what he’d lost as guilt over what he’d done to Dan ate away what remained of his former self. Even if someday Dan forgave him, he’d never forgive himself.
Joey took Nick to dinner, just to get out of the house.
Chris entered the hotel, walked through the shrine to luxury they called a lobby, and went up to the fifteenth floor. He found 1525 and knocked.
Kevin opened the door, inviting him inside.
Chris stared at Kevin. It was highly possible that Kevin was the most attractive person in the world, after Brian.
He stared around the room. Candles. Slow, soft, romantic, sexy music. Dinner for two. A canopied bed.
He looked at Kevin again.
Looked around the room some more.
Looked at Kevin again. Kevin was smiling right at him, just like Kevin liked him.
“If you’re expecting a buxom, long-legged beauty, I can go,” Chris said.
“This is for you,” Kevin said. His fingers lifted Chris’s chin. “For us.”
Us. “I’m underdressed,” Chris said. “I must have left my tux on my other body.”
“You can change in the bathroom,” Kevin said, and kissed him, nice and slow.
“You’re romancing me,” Chris said, and touched Kevin’s jaw, wondering.
“I’m thanking you for all of your hard work,” Kevin said, with a light kiss.
“You’re seducing me,” Chris whispered, gazing into his eyes.
Kevin smiled. “Do you have a problem with that?”
“No,” Chris said, still gazing. “It feels good.”
Another smile, another kiss. “Do you want me to help you change?”
“No, I can do it myself,” Chris said. Gradually, he stepped back, lowering his hand. “You magically whisked clothes from my house?”
“I bought some for you,” Kevin said.
Chris opened his mouth to ask how Kevin had known what size to get, then thought better of it. Of course Kevin had known. What didn’t Kevin know about him? Taking another look around the room, he went into the bathroom, letting the door shut behind himself.
Kevin was seducing him.
Rewarding him.
He wondered if it would be okay for him to enjoy it.
He suspected that he wouldn’t be able to help himself.
Erik didn’t want to talk about AJ.
Wasn’t going to talk about AJ.
Flat-out refused to talk about AJ.
Howie could be patient. Howie could wait.
Erik didn’t want to touch him.
Wasn’t going to bed with him.
Flat-out refused to kiss him.
Howie could be patient. Howie could wait.
Erik sat at Howie’s kitchen table, quiet, unhappy, pretending to be okay, pretending that he could handle it. The hollow look of his eyes suggested otherwise.
Howie apologized for AJ.
Erik said that he didn’t care about AJ, but his hands shook.
Howie asked about Erik’s friends.
Erik said that they were fine. Half of the time, he was silent, looking down, avoiding eye contact; half of the time, he looked right into Howie’s eyes, voice firm, to prove that he was okay and everything was normal.
Howie said quiet, sweet things, about how special Erik was to him, how much he knew Erik meant to JC, how much he would have given to keep this from happening.
Erik avoided his eyes more, clearly uncomfortable. Unhappy. Conflicted.
Howie explained how much he needed Erik, how grateful he was for Erik’s friendship, how much Erik’s companionship helped him during this time without JC.
Erik made several direct, firm statements about how Howie wouldn’t need him if Howie would just get back together with JC.
Howie talked about JC. Reminisced.
Erik listened with growing interest.
Howie talked about how much JC meant to him. How much JC had brought to his life. How much he loved JC. Why he loved JC. Their early times together. Their sex life. Their dreams. Their good times.
Fascinated, Erik listened with rapt attention, all of his focus on Howie.
Kevin watched Chris step out of the bathroom, and smiled at the sight of him. “Perfect.”
“I hate wearing black tie,” Chris said, tugging at his sleeves. “I look like a waiter the restaurant wishes it hadn’t hired.”
“You look great,” Kevin said, walking over to him, smoothing his tie. “You look very handsome.” Chris cleaned up very well.
“Thanks.” Chris’s gaze flickered over him; Chris was nervous. “You look like you stepped out of someone’s fantasy.”
Kevin kissed him, and murmured a thank you, and kissed him again. Brian had trained Chris to kiss very well; Chris always matched Kevin’s mood, followed Kevin’s lead, picked up on Kevin’s cues. Tonight, when Kevin wanted it slow and sensual, that was what Chris gave him.
“You taste even better than you look,” Kevin said, rubbing his thumb over Chris’s wet lower lip. “If I weren’t enjoying the anticipation, I’d skip dinner and take you straight to bed.”
“I’d be okay with that,” Chris said, with typical candor.
Kevin smiled. “Do you like it when I fuck you?”
Chris’s eyes widened slightly, but he recovered enough to reply. “It’s one of my top five favorite things to do,” he said. “You’re very…”
Kevin kissed him while he thought about it. A little more. A little deeper. Very nice.
“What was I saying?” Chris asked, blinking up at him.
“Would you like to dance?” Kevin asked.
“Dance?” Chris repeated, and glanced over at the stereo. “I’ll do whatever you want to do.” He looked at Kevin again. “I assume that you’ll lead.”
A slow smile. “I always do.”
Howie explained that he couldn’t talk about JC with just anyone, of course, but he knew that Erik understood. He trusted Erik.
He watched Erik wonder why Howie and JC had chosen him.
He talked to Erik about what it had been like, that simmering heat between them as they’d learned to want each other. He ran his fingers along the rim of his cup as he talked to Erik about what it had felt like, that burning desire, the first time they’d made love.
Howie wanted to smile as Erik licked his lips.
He talked to Erik about how exotic and dangerous JC’s sexuality was. He talked about how sensual and loving JC was, how wild and insatiable JC could be. How he and JC had done things he’d never even considered, before.
Erik was captivated, sitting forward, lips parted.
Howie talked to Erik about how much he needed JC, how much he wanted JC. How much his body ached for JC every day. How much worse the need was, now that he couldn’t be with JC.
Erik shifted in his seat, apparently feeling some need of his own.
He talked to Erik about all of his sexual frustration, all of his repressed lust. He talked to Erik about how making love to JC, opening and entering JC, joined them on much more than a physical level. How it was the closest that they could ever get. How it united them, was something special and powerful that they could share. To Howie, nothing in the world felt like being inside of the man he loved.
Erik gazed at Howie in awe.
He talked to Erik about how, even without that magical bond, it was something that his body needed. The satisfaction of it. The release of it. He talked to Erik about how much he envied JC, for getting satisfaction and release. He wasn’t jealous, he knew JC, he trusted Erik, it wasn’t about that. But JC’s body at least could go through the motions of their union. His couldn’t, not unless he found someone else to be with during these days. Howie’s hand covered Erik’s on the table as he explained that the only person besides JC that he would ever touch, was Erik.
Erik swallowed.
Jacob set aside his guitar, stretching. “Where’s Dan?”
“I don’t know,” Trevor said. “He isn’t home yet.”
“Still?” Ashley asked, concerned. “Do you think he’s okay?”
“I hope he’s kicking AJ’s ass,” Jacob said.
“Dan’s not really a brawler,” Trevor said.
“It’s weird,” Ashley said, playing a few chords. “Not having Dan and Erik home. Not having Brian or Chris here. The house is so quiet.”
“Where is Brian?” Trevor asked Jacob.
“I don’t know,” Jacob said. He shrugged, eyes shifting away and then back. “I haven’t talked to him.”
“You haven’t talked to him?” Trevor repeated. “Why not, because you’re so close you’ve become telepathic?”
“We’re not that close,” Jacob said.
“Dude, you really are,” Trevor said. Ashley laughed.
“He has his own life,” Jacob said. “I have mine. We’ve spent a lot of time together lately, but that might change.”
“Change?” Trevor asked. Jacob seemed uncomfortable with the subject. “What’s going on? Are you breaking up?”
“We’re not a couple,” Jacob said, like he wanted to roll his eyes. “We just have other things going on in our lives.”
“Man.” Trevor was disappointed. “Do you know how cool it’s been, knowing that Brian Littrell is just hanging around my house? I can go to bed at night knowing that we’re under the same roof.”
“The guest house actually has a different roof,” Jacob said.
“Don’t ruin the moment,” Ashley said to Jacob. “Having Chris back with you should make up for it,” he told Trevor.
“I can’t believe he’s back.” Trevor shivered. “I’m so damned in love with him, having him back is like this weird dream. I’m scared to touch him, like he won’t be there if I do.” His eyes widened. “You have to see what’s in the garage!”
Kevin, of course, was an excellent dancer. They took slow turns around the room. Chris felt almost elegant, when he closed his eyes.
He wondered if Kevin and Justin had danced like this.
When Kevin stopped dancing and kissed him, he kissed back, one hand splayed against Kevin’s chest, fingers holding onto the front of Kevin’s shirt for support as Kevin slowly dipped him backward.
After dancing, came dinner. Chris minded his manners. Kevin poured him champagne. He told Kevin that he’d talked to AJ and Howie. Kevin was very pleased with him. Kevin told him what AJ had said and done to Erik. Chris feared AJ.
After dinner, came sex. Kevin made love to him. Slowly. Thoroughly. The undressing process alone seemed to take a good seven hours. Chris fell in love sometime during the second hour. By the time Kevin was actually inside of him, Chris’s brain was absolutely worthless and his body was Kevin’s for life.
Steamy, tender lovemaking. Appreciative hands stroking him. Low murmurs full of erotic flattery. Green eyes looking at him like he was the sexiest thing ever. Long, deep, burning, lusting kisses.
Never one to do things halfway, after they completed one full round of sex, Kevin fucked him again. This time it was a little faster, and Kevin was a little more forceful, and Chris was louder, and orgasm was even more intense.
Drained, sated, Chris drifted blissfully.
Kevin curled up around him from behind, wrapping him close in a warm embrace. Kissed his neck. Caressed his skin. Whispered the most lovely, sexy compliments. Made him feel desired. Made him feel special.
Chris opened his eyes. Looked down at the arm across his chest. “I could love you,” he said quietly. “I will, if that’s what you want.”
Kevin’s voice was right in his ear. “Love shows itself in many forms.”
Kevin wanted Justin’s obedience. Kevin wanted Trevor’s service, wanted Trevor to do things for him. Kevin wanted Chris’s devotion. “I could never keep up with Brian. I couldn’t always manage to be the right person at the right time. He was so many steps ahead.” Chris would never forgive himself for failing. “I want to learn how to love you the way you want to be loved.”
“You’re a very fast learner,” Kevin said. “I could be very, very good to you.”
Chris hadn’t loved anyone since Brian. This wasn’t the same as that; this was a unique, mutually beneficial relationship. He owed Kevin, he was grateful to Kevin, and he could turn that gratitude into love. In return for his love and devotion, Kevin was going to treat him well, like any benevolent ruler would.
Shifting around and rolling over, Chris met Kevin’s eyes. Carefully traced the lines of Kevin’s face with surprisingly steady fingers. Green eyes, not blue. “I love you,” he said, quietly.
Kevin kissed his fingers when they skated across Kevin’s mouth.
Earlier, Lance hadn’t wanted to get out of bed.
Now, he didn’t want to get back into it.
He checked his e-mail. He got caught up on his regular mail. He watched TV. He surfed the Net and bought things he didn’t need.
He didn’t want to go to bed alone.
He’d shared something beautiful with Howie.
What he’d consequently done with Jacob had turned the act into a sick parody.
If he got in bed, he wouldn’t sleep. He’d just stare at the walls and yearn for Howie and hate Jacob. None of that would get him anywhere, except maybe to a mental ward.
He thought about calling up a former lover, just for the night. But he didn’t want to have to explain what was wrong.
He thought about calling one of the guys. He dialed Joey’s number but hung up halfway through. He needed more than companionship. He wanted a lover’s embrace. The comfort and reassurance of someone else’s intimate affection. He wanted to know that someone still found him good, and desirable, and worth loving. He didn’t even really want to fuck, he just… He wanted someone who, unlike Howie and Jacob, actually cared about him. Actually wanted him.
His fingers hesitated over the buttons.
He couldn’t believe that he would actually consider…
He called.
Trevor rubbed his fingers over his mouth.
He loved Chris. Chris was back in his life, and now he knew for sure what a treasure that was. Chris had been skittish about certain things in the past, and Trevor didn’t want to risk losing him again, so Trevor had a personal, unofficial vow not to push.
Things were the same as they’d been before, in a lot of ways. Chris was still sexy, still funny, still equally fantastic to listen to and talk to, still great in bed.
Some things were a little different. Chris seemed more relaxed now, less weirdly stressed out. Under less pressure. Chris was more active, more aggressive, sexually. Those were great things.
Trevor wasn’t sure what had caused those changes. Maybe time apart had given Chris a chance to think about their friendship and resolve to be more committed to it? Whatever the reason, Trevor wasn’t going to screw it up by asking about it.
Chris still disappeared on him, though. Trevor hadn’t worried about it before. He had no real reason to worry about it now, either. Except, unexplained and sudden “I have to go right away” announcements, prompted only by a phone call… It was strange behavior.
Where did Chris keep going? Was it a different place, a different reason, each time? Was it always the same person? Was it all part of one issue, or was Chris involved in several things that prompted sudden absences?
What the hell could Chris be involved with? Drugs? A secret assassin program? Another guy? A woman?
Chris wouldn’t screw around on him. Chris didn’t need to screw around on him, because they weren’t really together. He wasn’t Chris’s boyfriend; Chris could be with anyone else. He was kind of surprised that Chris wasn’t involved with more people. But there didn’t seem to be anyone else on Chris’s radar.
Except Kevin.
But Kevin wasn’t secretly calling Chris away. That didn’t even make sense.
Trevor respected Chris. He had no real claim to Chris’s secrets. If Chris wanted to keep certain things private, that was Chris’s right.
But he wondered what took Chris away from him.
He wondered if Chris would ever trust him with it.
He wondered if he was only kidding himself to think that they had a future together.
What if Chris could never commit to him?
What if Chris flaked out on him again?
He loved Chris. Chris was back. They’d talked, and they’d made love, and spending time with Chris again… It was like they’d never been apart. They fit together naturally, as people, as lovers.
But Chris’s past with Kevin hung between them.
And Trevor could still remember the feel of Kevin’s kiss. The heat and press of Kevin’s hands. It would never leave him.
AJ walked into the guest room. “Still traumatized?”
“He didn’t deserve that!” AJ barely caught the pillow aimed at his head. “He doesn’t deserve any of this!”
“You got in this, knowing the plan,” AJ said, tossing the pillow back onto the bed, sitting down beside Justin. “You can’t get scandalized and self-righteous about it today. You knew what was up from day one.”
“I didn’t know Dan!” Justin protested. “I didn’t know how good he is!”
“It’s too late to go back,” AJ said. “We’re in it. You’re in it.”
“He’s a good person,” Justin argued. “He’s happy, he’s confident, he’s positive, he works hard, he-”
“When this is over, you can canonize him, if it’ll make you feel better,” AJ said. “Are you sleeping in here or in my room tonight?” When Justin’s mouth opened, AJ added, “Either way, I’m right in the bed with you.”
“We don’t have to sleep together,” Justin said. “As long as we’re in the same house-”
“You look like shit
and you’ve been freaking out all night,” AJ said. “You’re never going to get to
sleep on your own, and if you do, you’ll wake up screaming. I’m not dealing
with that. You’re sleeping with me.”
Lowering his head, Justin rubbed his eyes, making angry and
miserable sounds. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”
“Works for me,” AJ said, getting up. “Be in my bed in five minutes.”
Erik didn’t want to stay, but he also didn’t want to go home. He agreed to use a guest room, and after ducking Howie’s good night kiss, he went to bed.
He didn’t sleep. He lay there, watching the darkness.
When he closed his eyes, he felt the water closing in around him. So he didn’t close his eyes.
Justin crawled onto AJ’s bed, sitting beside AJ’s relaxed, naked body in the darkness.
“He’s still out there,” AJ said.
“What?” Justin stared at the covered windows.
“He’s out there. Sitting in his car,” AJ said, rolling onto his side.
“What’s he-”
“Hey.” AJ tugged Justin back onto the bed. “Stay put.”
“He’s waiting for me,” Justin said, gaze fixed on the windows, chest tight. “He’s looking out for me.”
“You were great today,” AJ said, running a casual hand over Justin’s denim-clad thigh. “You made all of the right moves, you said all of the right things. I knew I threw you in there without a lot of prep, but you were great. You picked up on every cue. It tore you up but you handled it like a pro.”
“That’s a compliment?” Justin asked, eyes turning to AJ, finding him in the shadows. “That I betrayed someone who loves me, and I did it well?”
AJ didn’t pretend to care. “Take it how you want it.”
“Family’s supposed to love you,” Justin said, his gaze returning to the windows. “They don’t always, but they’re supposed to. The guys, they love me, but they’re like my brothers. They’ve always loved me. They met me a long time ago, when I was someone else, and they learned me as that person. I was different, I was confident, I was on top of the world, I was happy.”
“You’ve changed,” AJ said.
“The way I am now, who I am today, that’s the only version of me Dan’s ever known. This is the Justin he met. He loves me, not the way I used to be, but the way I am.” Justin rubbed his naked wrist. “No one’s ever loved this me.”
“I’ve been here before,” Chris said.
Kevin was on his back, one arm behind his head. Chris was on top of Kevin, touching. “With Brian,” Kevin said.
“With Brian,” Chris said. He liked to say Brian’s name. He loved Brian’s name. Brian. It just sounded so…Brian. “We were pretending that we were on vacation. We raided the mini-bar. We wrestled in the hot tub. We wrote letters home telling all about our vacation. We took pictures. We made love.”
“It sounds like a good memory,” Kevin said, running his fingers through Chris’s hair.
“He took the letters and the pictures away from me, later,” Chris said. “I remember all of the letters, I know them word for word. He wrote to his great-aunt Matilda and I wrote to my great-aunt Gertrude. We pretended that we were in Cancun but a storm had come through, and we were trapped inside.”
Kevin’s slow petting soothed him.
“We ordered room service,” Chris said. “We tried everything on the menu, all of it. We fed each other. Brian liked to be fed, and he liked to feed me.”
“How long were you here?” Kevin asked.
“Four days,” Chris said. “Three nights. It was our own personal holiday. Just us. No phones, no friends, we never left the room. We made love a lot.” Chris rested his forehead on Kevin’s chest, breathing through the pain of remembering the perfection. “We had so much fun. We laughed. We played. We were so happy.” They’d wrestled across the bed, and Brian had been laughing, and Chris had been in love with him. Rolling across the white sheets, pillows scattering, blue eyes, brilliant smiles. “I would have done anything for Brian.”
Brian picked up on the subtle cues in Lance’s tone and tried to react appropriately. He greeted Lance with a warm hug that Lance was slow to pull away from. On the way back to Lance’s room, they made scattered small talk, exchanging a few sentences on tomorrow’s plans.
Undressing down to his underwear, Brian climbed into bed with Lance, playing it cool, keeping it casual because that was what Lance wanted. He couldn’t resist skimming his fingertips down the side of Lance’s face, though, and when Lance turned to him, they shared a slow, gradually deepening kiss.
Lance cleared his throat and briefly met Brian’s eyes, apparently intending to say something, to explain.
Brian didn’t want Lance to have to explain. Not with him. Running his hand over Lance’s naked arm, he dropped a soft kiss on Lance’s shoulder. “I love you,” he said quietly, and kissed closer in toward Lance’s neck, stroking Lance’s chest. “I just want to hear you whisper my name, and sleep here in your arms, and wake up with you still here beside me.” He gazed into Lance’s eyes. “I don’t know if that’s too much or too little to ask.”
“It’s…” Lance almost smiled. “It’s just right.”
“Sometimes all I want is for you to acknowledge me,” Brian said. “Sometimes I want you to fall madly in love with me and pledge yourself to me for life and fuck me until I can’t speak. Sometimes…” His finger trailed over Lance’s collarbone. “Sometimes I just want to be near you and have you look at me with that smile.”
“Which smile?” Lance asked, arm wrapping loosely around Brian’s waist.
Smiling, Brian touched Lance’s mouth. “The smile you give your friends. The smile that says you love them and you know they love you. I love that smile.” His hand dropped; his voice softened. “I haven’t seen it lately.”
A shadow crossed Lance’s eyes.
Brian slid his fingers through Lance’s hair.
Minutes passed in silence.
Caressing Lance’s stubble, Brian yawned.
Lance flickered back to attention. “You want me to whisper your name?” he asked, curious.
Brian blushed. “You know I love the sound of your voice.”
Lance smiled. It was his pleased, indulgent smile. Brian blushed a little more, still touching his face. “Brian,” Lance murmured, low and sexy. He leaned in, closer, voice even softer, even lower. “Brian.”
Brian kissed him, and he whispered it, and Brian kissed him again. Soft kisses, slow, Brian’s fingers clinging to Lance’s skin.
Despite his earlier claim that he only wanted to sleep in Lance’s arms, Brian made no protest when Lance made love to him.
Justin started to get up.
AJ pulled him back down again. “Where are you going?”
“I want to see if he’s still out there.”
“Go to sleep,” AJ said.
“I’m not going to run outside, I just want to look.”
“That’s it,” AJ said, rolling out of bed.
“What?” Justin asked. “What are you - - don’t-”
“Keep your ass on the bed,” AJ said, pulling on a pair of jeans. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.”
“Leave him alone,” Justin said, wishing he’d never said anything. “I mean it, get back here,” he insisted, rising from the bed as AJ opened the door.
“I said, keep your ass on the bed.” AJ shoved him back down. “You can bitch me out when I get back.”
“Don’t touch him,” Justin warned. “You’ve already done enough, you-”
“I just stuck to the rules,” AJ said. “You’re the one who betrayed him by coming back to me.”
“I didn’t have a choice!” Justin protested. “I didn’t even fucking know-”
“You chose me over him,” AJ said. “Live with it.”
No matter where else Dan’s mind wandered off to, it always came back to Justin. AJ. Dan’s mistakes. Dan’s wrong moves. Dan’s fury with himself. He hated AJ, but he’d been the one who’d broken the rules. He’d fucked up. Justin was paying for it.
Hours later, his mind still circled the point.
He’d promised to help Justin. And he’d tried, for a while. Then his own problems, his own pride and ego, had gotten in the way. Justin was paying for it. Erik had paid for it, too. And why? For what? Because Dan had been frustrated. Because Dan had been angry. Those were temporary emotions. Justin’s pain, AJ’s abuse, those were lasting.
When he saw the front door open, Dan sat up straighter in his seat, instantly alert.
AJ stepped outside, wearing jeans and nothing else. Leaving the front door ajar, he walked straight towards Dan’s car without hesitation.
Bracing himself, Dan resisted the rising tide of fury within that AJ’s dark energy summoned. He couldn’t afford to give in to that. He had to stay in control of himself. He’d never find a way to help Justin if he let AJ push his buttons.
AJ placed silver-ringed, black-nailed hands on Dan’s open window, leaning down to eye level. “Danny Boy, I don’t know what you’re doing here, and I don’t care.”
The dark strains of ink winding over AJ’s arms, the casually displayed curves of muscle. The dark power in AJ’s eyes. AJ was dangerous, not because of how he looked, but because of how easily and thoroughly he could control people. He created fear. Violence. Chaos. He’d had the upper hand the entire time. Over Justin. Over Dan. He’d exercised that control over Dan’s household, time and time again, disrupting everything, throwing everyone into a tailspin.
AJ destroyed lives. And the life under AJ’s thrall, was Justin’s.
“You don’t love him,” Dan said. “That’s not love, it’s poison. He’ll figure it out, and when he does-”
AJ slammed one fist on the roof of the car, over Dan’s head, then dropped it to the window again, fingers digging in until his knuckles turned white. “I love Justin. I take care of Justin. The only one upsetting him right now is you.”
“Me?” Dan demanded. He knew that AJ would try to turn Justin against him, he knew it, but Justin knew better, Justin-
“He knows that you’re out here, and he’s upset,” AJ said. “So get your ass out of my driveway, and don’t come to my house again. I won’t let you agitate Justin for your own agenda.”
“If Justin’s upset, he can come out here and tell me himself,” Dan said. He knew that it wouldn’t work, but he had to try anyway.
“Let me explain something to you, Danny Boy,” AJ said. “You being here has Justin upset. He knows that you don’t want him here, he knows that you don’t approve, and that bothers him. He wants you to believe in our love for each other, and he wants you to understand that we’re meant to be together. You don’t understand, and I know that, and I don’t give a fuck. But Justin cares, because he’s a good person.”
“Justin-”
“If I wanted to explain to Justin why he shouldn’t give a fuck about you, I could. If I wanted to explain to Justin why he shouldn’t care about you for one more second, I could. I could tell him that you and I have been fucking behind his back for weeks.”
Dan felt the world begin to disappear around him.
“I won’t,” AJ said. “I don’t want him to go through that. So I’ll keep it from him. But in return for my generosity, I want you to stay the fuck away. Keep your distance. Don’t call him. Don’t stake out our houses. Justin’s no longer a part of your life. Got it?”
The fierce glint in AJ’s eyes made Dan want to punch the fucker out. AJ couldn’t do this to him! AJ couldn’t lock Justin away!
But Dan had no negotiating room. He couldn’t count on AJ’s confession to Justin breaking up AJ and Justin. AJ wouldn’t risk Justin leaving again, but would be sure to put just the right spin on it to alienate Justin from Dan entirely.
“Got it?” AJ demanded.
He’d walked right into AJ’s trap. AJ now had the perfect set-up. And what could Dan do? Explain to Justin that he’d only touched AJ for Justin’s sake? It wouldn’t make sense. Justin would never believe him.
At the moment, Justin was under AJ’s influence, but he still believed in Dan as a friend. If Dan tested AJ, AJ would immediately turn Justin against him, and Justin would see Dan as an enemy, as a traitor.
Dan didn’t have a choice. He had to do what AJ wanted.
AJ was still in control.
Turning his face away from the window, Dan turned the key in the ignition, starting the car. Without bothering to warn AJ, he put the car in reverse and backed down the drive.
Howie talked to AJ for a while, then Brian. After hanging up, he shed some clothes, brushed his teeth, and tapped at Erik’s door, opening it slowly. “Erik-Michael?” At first glance, with the light coming in from the hallway, he saw that Erik hadn’t come near sleep.
“What?” Erik asked, sitting up halfway, his weight on one arm.
“It seems strange,” Howie said, coming into the room, sitting on the bed. “To have you here, but with this distance between us.”
“I’m not your boyfriend,” Erik said. “If you want to be close to someone, you should call JC.”
“I saw JC today,” Howie said. He raised his hand to touch Erik’s face, but Erik flinched away. “He looked amazing. I went to Joey’s house to meet Nick, and JC was there in the kitchen, and I couldn’t believe how… I couldn’t believe how sexy he was, how… JC has so many unique qualities, he’s almost impossible to describe. The impact of seeing him so unexpectedly, it hit me. He’s who I want in my life. He’s who I want by my side. He’s who I want to fall asleep with at night. That person, that man, the one I met in Joey’s kitchen, the instant I saw him, I knew that I had to spend the rest of my life with him.”
Erik frowned, irritated, unimpressed. “You already had that.”
“I want it again,” Howie said. “More than ever. I have to get him back, Erik-Michael.” He looked into Erik’s eyes, putting his hand on Erik’s naked shoulder. “I need JC back in my life, I need him to commit himself to me and give himself to me forever. And I need you, to make that happen.”
“What can I do?” Erik asked.
“Help me work my way back in,” Howie said. “Help me think of ways to get him to love me the way I love him.”
“He already does,” Erik said.
“If it had worked right the first time around, he wouldn’t be somewhere else, away from me, tonight. I want to do it again, make him love me all over again,” Howie said.
“You want to start over?” Erik asked.
“I need a plan,” Howie said. “A strategy.”
“What did you leave out the first time?” Erik asked. “Everything you told me about earlier sounded pretty good.”
“I held back,” Howie said. “I’ve always been a romantic person. I like romance and flowers and stuff like that. But some men don’t like being treated that way. And JC’s so different from everyone else, so special, so unique, that I couldn’t risk doing anything he’d take the wrong way. So I skipped the more romantic steps.”
Erik’s tone was just shy of brusque. “So, this time, send him flowers.”
Howie’s fingers slid up and down Erik’s neck. “Will you help me?”
“You don’t need me,” Erik said. He pulled back, capturing Howie’s hand and lowering it to the bed.
Howie kept his hold on Erik’s hand. “Erik-Michael, whether or not JC and I are lovers, strangers, or any point in between, I still need you. You’re my friend. My relationship with you doesn’t depend on my relationship with JC. You’re our friend, both of ours, together. But I care about you no matter whether JC’s in the room with us or not.”
“I know that.” Erik twisted his fingers free. “You shouldn’t be in bed with me.”
“What’s wrong?” Howie asked. “What happened? My feelings for you haven’t changed, and I’m sure that JC’s haven’t, either. Have yours?”
“I’m not sure that we can be friends anymore,” Erik said.
Howie’s expression darkened. Putting his hand on Erik’s thigh, gazing directly into Erik’s eyes, he asked, “What the hell did AJ say to you?”
“Nothing,” Erik said, but he looked surprised by Howie’s reaction.
“You wouldn’t do this,” Howie said. “You wouldn’t walk away without someone changing your mind. What did he say to you? Did he make insinuations? Accusations?”
“He knows we’re fucking!” Erik exclaimed.
“Bullshit,” Howie said immediately. “AJ has no idea what’s happening between us. I’d never tell him that, I’d never so much as hint it, and neither would JC, and neither would you.”
Erik shook his head. “He said it. He said that we’re fucking, he-”
“AJ doesn’t know
anything,” Howie said. “We knew that people would come up with suspicions, but
they can think whatever they want. They don’t understand us and they have no
right to judge us. You can’t let someone else’s opinion rule your own
decisions.”
“I’m in the middle of your relationship,” Erik said. “You and JC
would be back together by now if it weren’t for me. You probably would never
even have split up if it weren’t for me.”
“That,” Howie said sharply, “is not true. My fight with JC had nothing to do with you, and you know that. If other people can’t comprehend it, then that’s their own problem and has nothing to do with us. You’re helping us, Erik-Michael, you’re good for us. You’ve brought another dimension to our relationship, you’ve enriched it. I love seeing JC give himself to you, I love seeing someone else hot for him, I love seeing him enjoy you. He feels the same way.”
“I can’t be in the middle of this,” Erik said. “Everyone thinks that I’m deliberately breaking you up. Everyone thinks that I’m either fucking you and JC, or trying to fuck you and JC, or - - I’m not a bad person, I’m not some manipulating opportunist, I’m not even gay, I’m nothing that everyone keeps accusing me of being! I only want to help, and they think I’m sabotaging a great thing! I can’t explain or defend myself, because I can’t tell anyone the truth. I’m lying to my best friends, all of your friends think I’m a bad guy, you and JC won’t let me help-”
“I’m begging you to help,” Howie said. “Help me plan. Help me get JC back. Help me make him fall in love with me all over again.” He slid both hands up Erik’s thigh, expression beseeching. “I need your ideas. I need your support. I need you to keep JC happy. I need you to be good to him for me, so I know he’s being taken care of while I’m gone. I need you to fulfill his needs and give him what his body wants, while I can’t.” He leaned closer, intent on Erik’s mouth. “I don’t trust JC with anyone else but you. I don’t,” closer, “trust myself,” closer, “with,” and he closed the distance between them, taking Erik’s mouth in a passionate kiss, his hand sliding even farther up Erik’s thigh, fingers slipping inside the leg of Erik’s underwear.
“We can’t, Howie, we can’t do this,” Erik said, breaking the kiss. “We can’t, I can’t. What about JC?”
“JC wants this,” Howie said. “I want this, I want you. JC wants us to be together, whether he’s here or not. You know that I’m telling you the truth.”
“That doesn’t make it right,” Erik said. “That doesn’t make it okay.”
“Who says it’s not okay?” Howie asked. “Other people, outside of the three of us? Who are they to say what’s right? Why are they so upset about something they know nothing about? The way people are reacting is exactly why we can’t tell them anything. We can’t expect them to understand, we don’t need them to understand. What the three of us do is up to us.” Howie’s words were smooth as silk despite the weight of their meaning. “The decisions that JC and I make about our friendship with you are our decisions to make. No one else’s. Erik-Michael…” He kissed Erik, slowly, and his fingers slid closer to intimate places. “We want you. JC wants you, and I want you. We can’t control what anyone else thinks. What other people say doesn’t matter. We understand what’s really happening, because we’re on the inside of it.” Another kiss, slower, lingering over the fullness of Erik’s lips. “Stay on the inside of it with us.”
“I can’t think when you’re making me hard,” Erik said, eyes glazing over with lust.
Howie smiled. “That’s the idea,” he murmured, and kissed Erik again.
AJ slept.
Justin felt more alone than ever.
Who was going to help him now? Who would help him through this game? Who would help him through each day? Dan patched him up, Dan kept him going, Dan was his rock, Dan took care of him, Dan made everything better. Justin couldn’t do this by himself; he couldn’t get through this without Dan.
He had the guys for support, but he couldn’t hijack them for days at a time, the way he had earlier, the five of them all gathered up in one house. That wasn’t practical and it wasn’t fair.
He couldn’t deal with this game. He couldn’t deal with disliking O-Town and hating Trevor. He couldn’t deal with Backstreet’s presence. He couldn’t deal with his friends falling apart. He couldn’t deal with AJ. He couldn’t deal with life without Kevin. Not without Dan.
He needed Dan. He relied on Dan. Dan’s presence, Dan’s strength. Who would run to his side? Who would make him smile again? Who would be there at night? Who would hold him together when he felt himself collapse into nothing?
Justin couldn’t do this without Dan.
Lying down and rolling onto his side, Justin’s body ached, missing the weight and strength of Dan’s arms. He missed Dan’s warmth at his back.
In his heart, he begged Dan to forgive him.
In his soul, he begged Kevin to come for him.
Chris tidied himself up a little bit, hung his tux nicely on its hanger, and crawled back into bed. He rolled onto his back as Kevin came over him on hands and knees. When Kevin gave him a gentle series of deep kisses, he slid his hands over Kevin’s shoulders; when Kevin tipped his chin up, he automatically looked into Kevin’s eyes, attentive.
“You’ve done a great job with Trevor,” Kevin said. “You’ve followed all of my instructions very well. You’re making yourself useful to my friends.” A small smile. “I like that.”
“I want to be helpful,” Chris said.
“You’ve been very helpful,” Kevin said. “Very cooperative. I want to give you something, as a special reward for all of your hard work.”
A Brian something. Chris tried to stay calm about it. Kevin didn’t like it when he got too excited.
“Before I short-circuit your brain,” Kevin said, and kissed him again, “I want to invite you to spend the night. We can order breakfast.” Another kiss, a soft murmur, “I want to fuck you again.”
Chris swallowed, suddenly warm and shivery. “Okay. I’d…like that.”
“Good.” Another kiss, and Kevin eased off of him, reaching to the bedside table and handing him an envelope.
He opened it.
A photograph.
Chris stared.
A photograph of Brian.
His heart beat faster.
A photograph of Brian in a doorway, wearing a black tank top, laughing, right hand clutching a white sheet at his waist, left hand out as if to push the photographer away.
That doorway was in this very hotel. It was the doorway to the bathroom in room 1214. That sheet was the top sheet to the hotel bed. That photographer had been Chris.
He’d taken that picture.
That was his Brian.
That smile. He could almost hear Brian’s laughter.
That generous slice of thigh exposed by the sheet. Brian had been naked, utterly naked and utterly beautiful, in bed with him. Brian had put on underwear and the tank top to open the door for room service, while Chris hid in the bathroom wearing only the sheet. Brian had wanted to take a picture of him in the sheet, and he’d wrestled Brian for the camera, and then he’d wrestled off Brian’s underwear, and then Brian had stolen the sheet, and-
-and he’d snapped that picture. Captured the moment forever. His moment. His memory. His Brian.
Kevin kissed his temple and wiped away his tears. “You can keep it.”
“I can keep it?” He wasn’t supposed to have Brian things. He wasn’t allowed. Kevin had given him other, precious, cherished items, but they couldn’t obviously be linked to Brian if discovered by a third party. This could. That was forbidden.
“I trust you,” Kevin said.
Chris embraced him in a wild rush of gratitude. “Thank you. Thank you.” A picture of Brian. His very own picture of his very own memory. “I love you.”
A gentle kiss on his cheek. “You’re welcome.”
He admired the photograph some more.
Kevin held him comfortably, rubbing his stomach from time to time.
“No one else is this beautiful,” Chris said.
“Brian’s very special,” Kevin said.
“I never get to talk about Brian with someone who loves him.” Chris couldn’t stop staring at the photograph. “You love him.”
“I do,” Kevin agreed mildly.
“He looks so happy here.” Chris felt so many emotions at the sight of Brian’s beautiful smile... “I made him happy sometimes, I made him laugh.”
“You did,” Kevin said, and kissed him behind his ear.
“Have you ever watched someone sleep and fallen in love just…watching?” Chris asked, his voice soft, full of wonder and memory.
“Yes,” Kevin said.
“I love Brian.” Chris touched the face of the smiling Brian in the picture. “Can I really keep this? For good?”
“Yes,” Kevin said. “It’s yours now.”
“Sometimes things aren’t as permanent as they seem,” Chris said. “Sometimes they change without warning. Sometimes no matter how solid and real you think they are, they disappear. It can be hard to keep up, and even harder to understand.” He gazed some more. “But Brian will always be beautiful.”
Continue on to part fifty-four
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