Sucker

Copyright November 24, 2002-October 7, 2005 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people.  The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life.  This writing is a work of fiction.  I make no money from this venture.

Continued from part fifty-one

            “Can you tell me what’s going on?” Justin asked, following AJ to the bedroom.  “I can’t believe you dragged me out of my own house.  You at least could have let me shower or change clothes.  And what did you do to Erik?  Dan said-”

            Stripping off his various accessories, AJ turned on the stereo.

            “You made me come the whole way over here for this?” Justin asked, surprised.  “We can dance at my house.”

            “You don’t have to trust me,” AJ said, unzipping his own jeans and wrapping his arms around Justin’s waist.  “I’ll explain later.  Just go with it.”

            “Dan told me to go to someone’s house,” Justin said, his hands automatically sliding over AJ’s upper arms.  “I don’t think he meant yours.”

            “You like it on the bed, or do you want it on the floor?” AJ asked.

            Justin’s body was already moving with the music, hips rocking subtly in time with the beat, AJ instinctively matching his rhythm.  “You’re not going to offer me a wall or a table?” Justin asked.

            AJ laughed, his hands sliding under Justin’s shirt, caressing Justin’s abs before easing upward.  “I’ll dance with you any time, any place,” he said, kissing him.

            “That almost sounded like a compliment,” Justin said, kissing back.  He made a soft, interested noise as AJ kissed him again, running his hands down the back of AJ’s jeans.  “Let’s try the, mmm, bed again,” he suggested, and moaned a little, squeezing AJ’s ass.

            “Avoid Erik until tomorrow, or the day after,” Howie said.  “I’ll take him tonight.  I want you to think about Ashley.”

            “I won’t be able to think about anything else,” JC said.  “The things that Nick said about…  It’s all burned into my brain.”

            “You were phenomenal this morning,” Howie said.  “You really were fantastic.  I know how hard all of that was for you.  The first part itself with Ashley there…”

            “I was in agony,” JC said.  “I tried to keep up with the conversation just so I wouldn’t grab a knife and gut him with it.  And after he left, when they told us…  Every word out of Nick’s mouth was like one more iron-hot poker skewering my skull.”

            “Keep that,” Howie said.  “I know this sounds terrible, I know I seem heartless, but I need you to use your pain, JC.  It gives you focus.  I’m sorry that you have to deal with Ashley, I’m sorry that Nick hurt you, but this is important for us.  You have to stay motivated.”

            “I know, I know,” JC said, running his hands through his hair.  “I’ve been distracted, I’ve been all over the map, I’ve let him get to me - - I need you with me, I need you there.  When I’m with Erik by myself…”

            “You’re a good person,” Howie said.  He smiled softly.  “I love that about you, but right now, that’s a weakness.”

            Trevor had come downstairs to join Chris on the sofa.  He wasn’t saying a lot, but he kept touching Chris unnecessarily.  Jacob and Ashley were having a hushed conversation in the kitchen.

            Chris wondered what, exactly, AJ had done.

            When Dan came down, Trevor asked, “Is he okay?”

            “He says he’s okay,” Dan said, “but he’s not.  I have to go out for a while.  Check on him if he doesn’t leave his room.”

            “Okay,” Trevor said.  “Don’t, I mean…  Take care of yourself.”

            “You’re going out?” Jacob asked, appearing.  “You want me to come with you?”

            “No,” Dan said.  “Thanks, but I can handle it.”  His face wasn’t made for grim expressions.  “I’ll see you guys later.”

            Chris bounced his knee up and down.  He wondered if he should call someone.  Warn AJ?  Inform Kevin?  Tell Justin?

            “Things are never like this at your house,” Trevor said to him.

            “Well, of course not.”  Chris said.  Brian never came over anymore.

            Justin felt so comfortable, he saw no reason to move.  He kept his legs loosely wrapped around AJ’s waist, scratching his fingers through AJ’s hair, pressing somewhat random kisses to AJ’s shoulder.

            “I spoil you,” AJ said, idly stroking Justin’s nipple.

            “Fucking me on a bed is spoiling me?” Justin asked, caressing the ink on AJ’s back.

            AJ chuckled, kissing Justin’s neck, his cheek.  “Yeah.”

            “Jackass,” Justin said.  “Where do you like to have sex?”

            “Wherever I can,” AJ said.  “And don’t pretend you only like it on a bed.  I know all about you and the stables, the elevator, the-”

            “Shut up,” Justin said, digging his nails in.

            “Don’t get bitchy,” AJ said, giving a little twist to Justin’s nipple.  “I’ve fucked in nontraditional places, too.”

            Justin petted AJ’s hair with a distracted hand.  The stables.  “Kevin told me it would be good for me.”

            “Yeah?” AJ asked.  “What about that little performance in the taxi, was that good for you?”

            Justin shuddered, fingers twitching, chest tightening.  “I…  I…”

            “How much did Kevin have to pay him, to keep him quiet?” AJ asked.  “Or was the whole ride free, considering the little bonus of your…display?”

            “Shut up,” Justin whispered, squeezing his eyes closed.  “Shut up, shut up.”

            “If you did that in my backseat, I’d take you home with me,” AJ said.  “You must have looked so fucking hot.”

            “I’ll be good,” Justin said.

            “What?” AJ asked.

            “I’ll be good,” Justin whispered, dragging his nails over AJ’s back in desperation.  “I’ll be good, I’ll obey, I can learn, please, just don’t-”

            “Damn,” AJ said.  “You’re seriously fucked up about this.”

            “I’m sorry,” Justin whispered, choking.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll be good, please, please, I can learn, I can learn, I’ll never-”

            “Justin,” AJ said.  “Justin!  Stop twitching.  It’s okay.  It’s just me, and I don’t care if you’re good or not.”

            Justin’s eyes opened, his hand still.  He stared up at AJ, disconcerted, lips parted.

            “You okay?” AJ asked.  “You freak out way too easily.”

            “What did you say?” Justin asked.  His fingers twitched.

            “I said stop losing your mind,” AJ said.

            “You don’t care if I’m good or not?” Justin asked, staring at him, baffled, mystified, awed.

            “Good boys don’t interest me,” AJ said.  “You know Joey, he’s no saint.  He’s fun because he knows how to have a good time.”

            “I have to be good,” Justin said.  “I have to obey.”  He didn’t understand what AJ was saying to him.

            “Those are Kevin’s rules,” AJ said.  “You have to listen to me, yeah, because I know how to play this game and you’re too soft.  I’m not interested in scared little boys sitting quietly in the corner.”  He smiled.  “But you’re not afraid of me, are you?”

            “No,” Justin said.

            AJ kissed him.  “Good boy.”

            Justin ran his fingers up and down AJ’s neck.  “You send very mixed messages.”

            The doorbell rang.

            “Here’s a clear message,” AJ said, and kissed him again.  “Wait a few minutes, until you hear shouting or a crash, and then come out to meet our visitor.”

            “Who is it?” Justin asked, sitting up as AJ left the bed.

            “That’s a surprise,” AJ said, as the doorbell rang again.  “You know that scared, troubled look you’re so good at?”

            “No,” Justin said, watching AJ pull on jeans without bothering to put on underwear first.

            “Remember it and use it,” AJ said, and left the room.

            Justin rubbed his forehead, pushing away the anxiety that came with memories of Kevin, and got up, shimmying into his own jeans.  Looking down, he rubbed over the marks on his chest, wondering why AJ had found it safe to leave traces of use on his body.

Nick sat beside Joey on the couch, tucking his legs up and draping an arm over Joey’s shoulders.  “What’s this?”

Joey didn’t bother to look at him.  “A movie.”

“Hunh.”  Nick’s fingers scratched idly through Joey’s hair.  “What’s it about?”

“Bank robbers,” Joey said, doing his best to ignore the tingles Nick’s touch evoked.

“Hunh.”  Nick tapped his thumb on Joey’s nape.  “Want to make out?”

Several answers sprung to mind, each inspired by a different part of Joey’s anatomy.  He settled on, “Later.”

“Okay.”

Peace reigned for a few minutes.  Joey was growing accustomed to Nick’s presence.  He was learning how to tolerate the candid, rude things Nick said, and he didn’t mind Nick’s inability to be near him without being on top of him.

“You can tell me what’s wrong,” Nick said.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Joey said automatically.

“You’re upset about AJ and Dan,” Nick said.

“We talked about AJ and Dan,” Joey said, trying to use a reasonable tone of voice that wouldn’t reveal how damned tense the subject made him.

“We talked about how pissed you were,” Nick said.  “We didn’t talk about how much pain you’re in.”

Even having Nick mention the fact that Joey was in pain hurt, but he said, “I’m not in pain.”

“It’s killing you, and you need to talk about it,” Nick said.  “If you wanted to talk to your friends about it, you would have, so you must not want to.  Who else are you going to tell, your mom?  Ashley?  Tell me.  I already know what’s going on.”

“You know what’s going on?” Joey asked, angry and bitter, shrugging off Nick’s arm.  “Then why don’t you tell me?”

“Okay,” Nick said, and looked into his eyes.  “You’re in love with AJ, and you know that he doesn’t love you back.  The only thing in this whole damned world that made that bearable, was knowing that you could fuck him like no one else.  He didn’t love you, but he liked your dick more than he liked anyone else’s, and that got you through the day.”

“Fuck you,” Joey said, beginning to rise, unable to-

Nick jerked him back down.  “You knew AJ’s body better than anyone.  You knew what he liked and what made him sweat and what made him come.  No one knew AJ like you.  No one could give him what you could.  That was your role in his life.  It was the only role he’d give you, and you grabbed it with both hands.”

“Fuck,” Joey snarled, “you.  You-”

“You aren’t in this game to destroy O-Town,” Nick said.  “You don’t give a fuck about Ashley.  You got into this so you could be close to AJ again.  And now skinny lisping Danny Miller has done things to AJ that you never could, and you haven’t just been replaced.  You’ve been surpassed.  AJ doesn’t love you, Joey, and now he doesn’t need you, either.  He doesn’t even have a reason to want you.  And you’re wishing you’d never started this game.  But now you’re trapped in it, and you have to finish it, and you have to wonder if AJ’s really going to be that committed to destroying someone who rocks his fucking world in a way that no one else, not even you, ever has.”     

Joey wanted to punch Nick the fuck out.  “You don’t have the first fucking clue about who AJ is,” he said, anger and scorn creating venom in his voice.  “AJ wouldn’t let anything slow him down.  He’s committed to this game, and he’s going to do everything he can to grind Dan and the rest of them into the dirt.  AJ doesn’t do anything halfway.  He’s not going to go easy on Dan because Dan got him off.  Dan has his attention now, and AJ’s only going to go after him harder.  When Dan fucked AJ, he signed his own death warrant.”

“You think so?” Nick asked, narrowing his eyes, calculating.

“I know it, because I know AJ,” Joey snapped.  “You must not have ever fucking met him, so let me explain something else.  I don’t care what Dan did for AJ in the past.  He doesn’t have what it takes to be there for AJ long-term, and that means he’s about to be just a memory.  If he can’t be there for AJ, on the spot every time, no matter what, he’s gone.  Fucking AJ isn’t a casual hobby, it’s a commitment.  Dan has to put AJ first, he has to be able to drop everything when AJ calls, he has to be able to put his mind and his body through things - - he’ll never be able to do it.  He’ll never make it,” Joey said, and it was a fact.  “I passed the test, I stuck through it, because I love AJ, because I’ll do anything, whatever I have to, for him.  Sonic Boom doesn’t love AJ.  He doesn’t have what it takes.  Sooner or later, AJ’s going to drop him like the worthless shit that he is.  And when that happens, I’ll be there.  Because I’ll always be there for AJ.  Because that’s what it takes to love him.”

Nick’s voice was calm, and quiet.  “When was the last time you told AJ that you love him?”

Joey glared at Nick, then looked away.  The passion, the conviction of his rant had taken an emotional toll.  “It’s been a while.”

“Why don’t you tell him now?”

“I know what AJ wants from me," Joey said.  “And it’s not those words.”

            Raised voices.  Who would yell at AJ?

            A thud.

            More shouting.  Louder, louder, and-

            Justin froze.  No.  Oh, no.  No, shit, no, god, it was Dan, Dan was here, Dan was in the house, Dan-

            AJ wanted him to go out there.  AJ wanted him to walk out there, right in front of Dan.

            In front of Dan.  In AJ’s house.  Half-naked.  Freshly fucked.

            He couldn’t.  He couldn’t betray Dan like that.  Not after all of Dan’s work, all of Dan’s sacrifices.  Not after all of those nights, the support, the encouragement, the patience.  Dan had memorized poetry for him and gone to New York with him and bought a bracelet for him and comforted him and made him laugh and made him smile.  Made him feel safe and secure when no one else, nothing else, had.  He couldn’t betray Dan, he couldn’t.  Not Dan.  Not now.  Not like this.

            Dan loved him.  Dan loved him.  He couldn’t lose that.  He couldn’t afford to lose it.  If Dan saw him here, would that be over?  Would being caught in AJ’s house, fresh from AJ’s bed, make Dan see him for who he really was?

            He heard a crash.

            He wouldn’t go.  He wouldn’t do it.  He refused to hurt Dan, not when Dan would do anything to keep him from harm.

            He didn’t have to obey AJ.  He didn’t have to do anything that AJ said.  It was just AJ.

            But Kevin wanted him to listen to AJ.  AJ had staged this just for Dan, Justin knew it, and if he didn’t cooperate, AJ would be mad, and Kevin would hear about it, and Kevin wanted him to obey.  Kevin had just said so, at the meeting.  “It’s important for you to listen to AJ and give him respect.”  And before that, when Kevin had given him to AJ, transferred power…

            Swallowing, Justin left the bedroom.

            He didn’t listen to the words.  He didn’t listen to AJ at all.  He heard only Dan’s voice.  The anger in it.  The outraged fury.  Dan was always good, Dan was always right, Dan never said anything that turned into bullshit when it was broken down.  The things Dan said only made more and more sense when Justin thought about them.

            That was about to be ripped from his life.  Dan, and everything about Dan that made the ground under Justin’s feet solid again, were about to leave him, as soon as Dan saw him there.  But he couldn’t hide forever.  AJ was waiting for him.

            Another crash.  Justin appeared in the doorway to the living room in time to see Dan - - god, Dan, his Dan, so brave and so strong and so defiant in the face of evil - - kick the coffee table across the floor.  He was yelling at AJ, and AJ was yelling back.  AJ was furious, veins throbbing, shorter than Dan but still the most powerful thing in the room.  Dan stood his ground, posture unbearably tense, looking like he couldn’t believe that someone as impossibly horrible as AJ was allowed to exist.

            They advanced on each other, they stalked around each other, and at any second one of them would strike out in violence.  Dan was so angry, so upset, it looked like AJ’s existence was a pain to his very being.  He was only dealing with AJ because of Justin, only doing all of this for Justin, would never even have spoken to AJ if Justin hadn’t-

            AJ shoved Dan, hard, hard enough that Dan took a step back, and Justin heard himself say, “No,” shocked and scared.  He couldn’t let AJ hurt Dan, couldn’t bear to see Dan hurt.

            Dan whirled around, stunned, and stared at him.

            Justin stared back.

            Comprehension registered on Dan’s face.  He didn’t move.

            Justin swallowed.

            “Justin,” Dan whispered, stunned.

            “I can explain,” Justin said, only he couldn’t, and his voice was ragged, and he’d finally begun to know what it was like to be loved, and he hadn’t realized that Dan could break his heart.

            “You don’t have to.”  Dan finally moved, taking long strides towards him.  “Are you okay?”

            “I told you that he was mine,” AJ said.  His voice was dark.

            Dan ignored AJ entirely, standing right in front of Justin, blocking Justin’s view of AJ.  “Are you all right?”

            “I’m sorry,” Justin said.  Dan’s eyes were so blue, and so fierce, and so gentle.  “I’m sorry, I wanted things to be different, I-”

            “Don’t you lay a fucking hand on him,” AJ said with possessive fury.

            Dan put his hand on Justin’s arm anyway.  “Let me take you home.”

            Justin couldn’t even answer; AJ jerked Dan back, away from him.  “I said don’t you fucking touch him!”

            “Justin decides who touches him!” Dan shouted at AJ.  “I’m the one who holds him at night!  You’re the one who hits him!”

            Shocked, Justin stared, mouth open.  He’d never seen Dan like this.  Not this emotional.  Not this angry.  Dan was furious, and Justin wanted to stop it, wanted to explain and help and reassure.  Dan was Justin’s emotional rock, and if Dan was this upset, Justin couldn’t take it.

Dan hadn’t seen him and immediately hated him; Dan had found him in AJ’s house and simply wanted to take him home again, wanted to help him.  Dan loved him.  Dan didn’t blame him.  Dan wasn’t even angry with him, and that only made Justin want to be with Dan more.

            Dan was always good to him.  Always careful to take care of him.  Always determined to protect him from AJ.

            AJ.  Justin glanced in that direction; AJ glared at him, threatening, while Dan’s gaze was on Justin.  AJ was warning him to do the right thing, but what did AJ want from him?  What was he supposed to do?  He wasn’t prepared for this confrontation!

            Justin decided to reply to what Dan had said, and then see how AJ reacted to gauge how AJ wanted the scene to play out.  “AJ doesn’t hit me anymore.”

            Just beyond Dan’s line of sight, AJ nodded slowly, smirking.  The smug bastard.  Justin hated him.

            “AJ never should have hit you in the first place,” Dan said.  “It’s not that he never will again, it’s that he hasn’t, yet.  But he will, if you stay with him.  He will hit you, Justin, he’ll scare you, he’ll make your life hell.”

            Justin opened his mouth to respond to that, but suddenly, “I love Justin,” AJ said furiously, “and I will only make his life better, the way he’s made mine better.  I love him, and he loves me, and you-” he shoved Dan “-are not going to keep us apart!”

            “I keep Justin safe!” Dan shouted.  “Justin,” he said, “please let me take you home.  Let me take you home, and we can talk about this.”

            Dan’s voice was so understanding, so forgiving, that Justin felt his heart begin to shred.  He wanted to go home with Dan, he would have loved to go anywhere with Dan, but he couldn’t do what he wanted.  There were too many other people involved, too many other agendas.  But Dan was upset, and Justin couldn’t take that.  It was Dan.  Strong, solid Dan, who’d always been there for him beyond reason.  He couldn’t be a part of this, he couldn’t hurt Dan like this.

            It had been almost surreal to hear AJ and Dan furiously shouting at each other with barely contained rage.  Justin wasn’t used to an angry Dan, a violent Dan.  This man before him was the fierce Dan who went toe-to-toe with AJ and held his own; this was the Dan who’d do anything to protect him.  The tough, loyal Dan who was strong enough to take AJ on, alone, and survive.  AJ didn’t intimidate Dan; Justin could see that for himself.  He hadn’t been sure that there was anyone AJ couldn’t slap down at will.

            “Let me take you home,” Dan said again, quietly.

            Justin’s first instinct was to go wherever Dan wanted to take him.  He trusted Dan; Dan only wanted what was best for him.  Dan wouldn’t hurt him.  Dan was strong, and compassionate, and when Justin looked into those big blue eyes, he saw that Dan was willing him to acquiesce.  Dan wanted to beg him, but Dan couldn’t show that weakness in front of AJ, couldn’t scare him by making the moment frantic and emotional.

            Dan wanted to take him home.  Justin wanted to go with Dan.  He risked another look at AJ, and swallowed.

            This wasn’t fair.  AJ was making him choose AJ over Dan, when he’d never make that choice on his own.  AJ was making him hurt Dan, when that was the last thing that Justin wanted.  He’d never cause Dan pain, he’d never put Dan through this.  After everything that Dan had done for him, after Dan had become his salvation, how could AJ make him do this?

            AJ’s lips curled into a silent snarl.

            Justin wanted to seek comfort in Dan’s embrace.  “I can’t.  I’m sorry, I can’t.”  Behind Dan’s back, AJ gave him a mildly approving nod.

            Was that what this was about?  Was that how this little scene of Get Dan would end?  Justin would stay, and Dan would leave, thwarted?  Panic seized Justin at the thought.  He’d been worried that Dan would abandon him.  He’d never considered the idea that AJ might take Dan away from him.  What if AJ cut Dan out of his life?  That wasn’t fair, that wasn’t right.  God, it wasn’t Dan keeping Justin and AJ apart, it was AJ keeping Justin and Dan apart, and when had things gotten this twisted around?

            What was AJ’s long-range plan?  If Dan left today, what would happen tomorrow?  When would Justin get to see him again?  They were about to be separated, but for how long?

            Maybe it would just be a day.  Maybe tomorrow, or the day after, he could go back to Dan, and Dan would welcome him, and this little episode would be written off as momentary weakness, a lapse in judgment.

            Justin wouldn’t know what AJ’s plans were until he talked to AJ alone, and for the moment, he had to play along.  He had to do what AJ wanted.  Somehow he found the right words, and somehow he made himself say them.  “You’ve done so much for me, but I love AJ, you know how much I love him, I can’t stop.”

            “You can love someone and not be with him,” Dan said.  Behind Dan, AJ made the universal jack-off motion, rolling his eyes, and Justin wanted to punch him.  “You can still move on.  I can help you, Justin, let me help you.”

            “You heard him,” AJ said sharply to Dan, jumping back into character without warning.  “He loves me, and he’s staying.  You knew the rules, and you thought you could play with them.  You were dead wrong, Danny Boy.  Justin belongs to me.  Now get the fuck out.”

            “AJ doesn’t own you,” Dan said to Justin.  “You can come with me.  I just came from my house, I just left Erik.  AJ attacked him this morning, scared the fuck out of him, tried to drown him in our pool.  That’s not someone you want to be with, Justin.  You’re not safe here.”

            He was always safe with Dan.  As safe as he could be, safer than he felt anywhere else.  But he had to do this.  Dan didn’t want to leave, it was very likely that Dan already had resolved not to leave without him, and that broke Justin’s heart.  But he had to get Dan out.  This confrontation was too hard on Dan and too hard on Justin.  There was no way for Justin to get out of the situation, no way for Justin to walk away, but Dan had to go.  “I love him,” Justin said in an anguished whisper.  “He’s good to me, he’s so good to me, you don’t understand.”

            “It’s not real,” Dan insisted.  “He doesn’t love you.  That isn’t love, it’s sick, it’s-”

            “I love Justin.”  AJ’s voice sounded so genuinely, intensely emotional, that Justin’s skin prickled.  “Don’t you ever, ever say that I don’t.  Justin is my whole fucking world.  And in that world, you’re dead.  Don’t come near us, don’t speak to us, don’t call us.  You don’t.  Fucking.  Exist.”

            Dead?  Didn’t fucking exist?  It was Dan.  The grounding center of Justin’s world.  Without Dan, Justin would spin out of control.  Even with just the threat of Dan’s absence from his life, he could feel himself faltering, beginning to crack, his thoughts whirling, his equilibrium tilting.  If Dan were truly gone…

            “Someone who loved you wouldn’t separate you from your friends,” Dan told Justin.

            “Someone who cared about Justin wouldn’t keep him from the man he loves,” AJ snapped.  “Get the fuck-” he shoved Dan towards the door “-out of my house!  Get the fuck away from Justin!  Get-”

            Dan pivoted fast, and wham!, and AJ was scrambling up off of the floor, snarling, and AJ was out for blood, and Dan was ready for it.  “No!”  Justin jumped between them, his back to AJ.  He’d never seen anyone else hit AJ before, and while he was startled and sharply proud of Dan, his heart pounded protectively at the idea of AJ exacting revenge.  He couldn’t let Dan pay for protecting him.  “No, god, please, don’t.”  Behind him, AJ snarled and cursed, but AJ’s hot hands curled possessively over Justin’s hips.  “Please,” Justin said to Dan.  AJ’s hand slid over Justin’s naked abs and Justin willed Dan not to notice, willed himself not to push AJ away.  Why was AJ fucking with them, why was AJ making everything so much damned harder?  “Don’t do this.  I don’t want you to get hurt.”

            “I don’t want you to get hurt, either.  Please, come with me,” Dan said.  He spoke to Justin, looked at Justin, like Justin was the only one in the room.  “Just so we can talk about this.  Just so I know you’re sure.”  The expression on his face said that Dan would do anything, say anything to get Justin away from AJ.  “Come outside with me. Everything will be okay.  You don’t have to leave, just talk to me in the driveway, on the front porch, anywhere.”  Desperation cracked through the strength.  “Justin, please.”

            Dan had earned Justin’s trust, to the point where when Dan said that it would be okay, Justin believed him.  It sounded true, that if Justin took Dan’s hand and they walked out together, everything would work out.

            But it couldn’t be that way.  Not now, not today.  Not under the pressure of the game.  Not under AJ’s warning gaze.

            Justin could see that Dan was starting to break under the stress of the moment, too, under the overriding need to protect him.  Usually, Dan was great at saying the right thing and getting Justin to understand, but today, he couldn’t get Justin to see the light.  Justin wasn’t responding to him, wouldn’t agree with anything that he said.  Dan kept hitting brick walls, which made him increasingly frustrated.  He badly wanted to rescue Justin, but Justin refused to be rescued, and Dan was trying to stay calm and strong for Justin’s sake but it was ripping into his soul that Justin was back under AJ’s hold.

            Of course Dan didn’t want to leave him.  Dan thought that AJ was abusing him, and Justin couldn’t explain that he really was safe with AJ.  There was no way for him to reassure Dan that he’d be fine.  If he’d been fed the lies that he and AJ had given Dan, he’d be afraid to leave him alone with AJ, too.  Dan knew how vulnerable he was, how devastated he already was, and how dangerous AJ was.  Dan was more than worried about him; Dan feared for his health, his safety, his sanity.  And after how close they’d become, how far Dan had brought him, how much they’d come to mean to each other, how large a part of each other’s lives they’d become...

            Seeing Dan’s anguish, suffering for it, pulled in too many directions, Justin felt himself begin to crumble.  He wanted to cry, he wanted to collapse, he wanted to scream at AJ, he couldn’t take this, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this to himself and he couldn’t do this to Dan.  He couldn’t hurt Dan.  He couldn’t lose Dan.  He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t, please, no.  But he had to scrape to keep it together.  He had to learn from Dan; he had to be strong.  If he broke down, Dan would never leave.  He was falling apart inside, but if one tear fell, Dan would take up residence in AJ’s house and refuse to budge.  He had to reassure Dan that everything was okay.

            He had to do this.  He could do this.  Dan believed in him.  Dan thought that he was strong.  He could do this.  He could make it through this.  He could fall apart when Dan left.  He’d shatter once Dan was gone, but until then, he had to get through it.

            What would AJ do if he cracked now?  He’d broken down before, but never at a critical moment.  If he fell apart now, and AJ saw it, what would the consequences be?  He couldn’t afford for AJ to think that his breakdown might fuck them over.  He couldn’t let AJ see how close to the edge he was.  If this plot failed because of him, if it looked like he’d thrown the game...

            The hand on his waist squeezed, warning.  Threatening.  He’d better come up with an answer, quickly.  And it had better be good.

            “Are you okay?” Ashley asked Jacob.  “Outside of the AJ and Erik thing.  I know something’s really getting to you.  I’ve never seen you hide in bed in the middle of the day before.”

            Jacob sat on Ashley’s bed, flicking a paint chip off of one thumbnail.  “I did something I can’t live with, but I have to live with it.”

            “What happened?” Ashley asked, immediately worried for him, sitting down beside him.

            “I…  There’s something I want,” Jacob said.  “Something I really need to have, for myself.  And I did something unforgivable and sick, because I thought that it would help me to get it.  And maybe it will.  But if it doesn’t…  Then I’ve traded in a part of myself for nothing.”

            “How bad is it?” Ashley asked.  “What’s it for?”

            “I can’t tell you about that,” Jacob said.  “It’s something I have to go through by myself.”

            “Is this why you’ve been coming home so angry?” Ashley asked.  “For a second we thought you might be on drugs or something.  You’re not, are you?”

            “No,” Jacob said.  “No, it’s nothing like that.  It’s not illegal, it’s just…  It’s so sick, and every time I think about it I want to hurl, it makes everything twist around inside me.  It hurts my brain, can you believe that?  It actually hurts the inside of my head.”

            Ashley wanted to press for more.  Whatever Jacob had gotten into, sounded bad and even dangerous.  But what could Ashley ask?  He was doing something similar, himself.  He was willing to do anything to get Joey.  Give head in public restrooms.  Have sex with Joey’s boyfriend.  Stripteases, three-ways, he’d do anything Joey asked for, anything Joey wanted.  All to get Joey.  To get Joey to keep wanting him.  To convince Joey to choose him over Nick.  Joey kept asking; Ashley hadn’t said no, yet.  He just wiped the cum off of his face and spread his legs for more.  And everyone called him a whore.  And he had to keep explaining that he wasn’t one.  But sometimes...

            “Is it really worth it?” Ashley asked.  “To get whatever it is that you want?”

            “It will be,” Jacob said.  He swallowed, looking down at his hands.  “It kind of has to be, now.”

            Justin rubbed his hands over his face.  He wanted to go with Dan, he wanted it with all of his heart, but he couldn’t.  He couldn’t afford to.  There was just no way.  He had to stay, and Dan had to go, and Justin had to try to explain, had to try to make it easier on Dan.  “I’m safe here, AJ won’t hurt me.  I know you don’t understand,” Justin said, “I know you think this is wrong, but I love him.  When AJ came over today, I was so excited to see him, and then we came over here, and everything happened so fast, and…”  He ran his hand over his hair, losing the words before they could come out.  “I never meant for you to find out like this, it just…  I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t do anything that you have to be sorry for.  Don’t let him push you into anything that doesn’t make you feel good and happy,” Dan said, trying to make Justin understand.  “It shouldn’t be like this.  Love doesn’t do this to people, Justin, this isn’t what love is.”

“You don’t know anything about love,” Justin said, his heart contracting.

            Dan’s voice was soft, but very real.  “I know that I love you.”

            “You can love someone and not be with him,” AJ said, mocking Dan’s earlier statement.  “Get the fuck out, white bread.  You’ve never known Justin, you’ve never known how to give him what he needs.”

            “Justin needs to be happy,” Dan said.  “Justin needs to be healthy and confident.”  His words responded to what AJ had said, but his gaze was only on Justin.

            “I need AJ,” Justin said.

            “Please,” Dan said.  “I need you to come with me.  It’s okay, I promise.  You can come with me and it’ll be okay, I won’t let you down, I’ll take care of you.”

            “I love him,” Justin said, his voice breaking like his heart.  “I know what I’m doing.  I’ll be all right.  You have to go.”

            “I can’t leave you with him,” Dan said, his voice full of pain. “I can’t do that to you.”

            Dan’s anguish hurt worse than Justin’s own.    He didn’t know when he’d see Dan again.  He didn’t know when they’d have another chance to talk.  As agonizing as it was, he had to get in a good-bye, before Dan left.  “You’ve been one of the best friends I’ve ever had,” Justin said, voice cracking, tears threatening to fall.  “I know why you’re upset, but you have to trust me as much as I’ve trusted you.  I know what I’m doing.”  He couldn’t cry, he couldn’t.  “I’ll be okay,” he promised, and blinked rapidly.  “You’ve put me back together again.  You’ve made me feel better about myself.  You’ve made me stronger than I’ve felt in a long time.”  Dan wanted to argue, wanted more than anything to save him, and he saw it right there on Dan’s face.  “Everything that you’ve said to me, I’ll keep it with me.  I’ll remember it, all of it.  You’ve been,” oh, god, Justin breathed through it and fought back the tears.  “You’ve supported me and helped me more than you ever should have.  But I can’t go with you.”  He had to find a way to make Dan understand, to make it okay.  It was a futile effort, but he had to try, for Dan’s sake.  “I can’t leave AJ.  Things are different now.  We made love, and we’ve talked, and-”

            “Justin doesn’t have to explain himself to you,” AJ said.

            “Let me say good-bye to him,” Dan said.  “Give us two minutes of privacy.”

            “You took Justin from me and you tried to turn him against me,” AJ said, uncurling his hands from Justin’s waist and stepping forward ferociously.  “I’ll never give you shit.  Get the fuck out of my house.  This is my last warning.  I don’t want to hurt you, for Justin’s sake, but if you don’t leave on your own, you’ll fucking wish you had.”

            “It’s okay,” Justin said, pushing AJ back.  “It’s okay.  Dan respects my decisions.”  He looked into Dan’s eyes and found the strength to follow through on this betrayal.  “Dan knows how much I want to be with you.  He doesn’t always understand, but he always respects my choices.”  He was deliberately backing Dan into a corner, using Dan’s honorable nature to his advantage.  “Dan knows that the only reason I wasn’t coming to you is that I was waiting for you to come to me.  He was there when I thought that you might not want me anymore, and he knows that that was the only thing keeping us apart.”

            “You left AJ in the first place for a good reason,” Dan said.  “You know that.”

            AJ hissed, coming forward again; Justin automatically pushed him back, keeping him away from Dan.  Dan’s eyes tracked Justin’s every move, not missing a nuance.  Dan always paid attention to him, had learned him well.  Justin didn’t know what he was going to do without Dan as his foundation.  “I made a mistake,” he said, swallowing.  So many mistakes.  “I can make it work this time.  It’ll be different this time.  AJ loves me, as much as I love him, and he’s everything to me.”  This was hard, but he was strong, Dan had told him that he was strong, and he trusted Dan in a world where he couldn’t trust anyone else.  “You’re one of my closest friends, but I’m with AJ now, and this is his house.  He’s asked you to leave, and now,” Justin’s voice wavered as the remnants of his broken heart cried out, “I have to ask you to leave.”  He tried to take a deep breath but his chest was too tight.  “Please go.”

            Dan looked at him, into his eyes, like he was a book Dan wanted to read, learn, and memorize.  He wondered how Dan could still view him with any respect.

            Dan was silent for a long moment.  Finally, he spoke again.  Very quietly, but with a firm insistence behind the forced calm.  “Call me,” Dan said.  “Any time, day or night, I’m always there for you, it doesn’t matter why.  Promise me you’ll call.”

            Dan really was going to leave him.  The knowledge of it hurt so much, hot tears pricked Justin’s eyes.  “I’m sorry,” Justin said, his voice barely above a whisper.  Oh, god, so sorry…

            Justin wasn’t ready to say good-bye.  He’d been thrust into this role without warning, and he wasn’t prepared for it.  He’d never hurt Dan like this, and he was outraged that AJ had forced him into it.  AJ was making him face Dan, was making him push Dan away.  After everything that Dan had done for him, what Justin was doing now negated all of Dan’s sacrifices.  It was worse than a slap in the face, worse than a betrayal, and Justin was furious with AJ for setting him up like this.

            “You’re right, Justin,” Dan said.  “I respect your right to make your own decisions, even if I don’t agree with them.”

            “That’s so fucking big of you,” AJ snapped.  “Get the fuck out.”

            “Call me,” Dan insisted.  His eyes were willing Justin to do the right thing.  “You can come to the house any time you want, you’re always welcome, it doesn’t matter when.”

            “Dan, I’m so sorry,” Justin said.  He was sick with his own pain, and Dan’s.  “I wish that it could be different.”

            Dan moved closer to the door, holding out his hand to Justin.

            Justin reached for it, automatically, his heart lifting.

            AJ stepped between them, knocked Dan’s hand aside, and yanked open the front door.  No, no, Justin needed that touch, needed that-  “Leave,” AJ said with sharp hatred.  “He said it himself.  He belongs to me.”

            “I love you,” Dan said to Justin.  There was a regret and an intensity in his eyes that Justin had never seen.  “I will always be right here for you.”

            He needed Dan’s touch, he couldn’t breathe, this wasn’t happening, Dan wasn’t leaving him.

            “Justin doesn’t need you,” AJ said.  “He never did, and he never will.”

            “Never let him speak for you,” Dan said.  He stepped through the doorway, looking back at Justin as though-

            “You had your shot,” AJ said harshly.  “No more compromises.  No second chances.”   A grim finality darkened his expression.  “Game over.”

            The door slammed shut in Dan’s face.

            Justin stared at it.  No, no, he refused to accept it.  It wasn’t true, none of this was true, Dan would come back, and-

            “Damn, he’s the real thing,” AJ said, running an absent hand over Justin’s arm.  “The last of the good guys.”

            Justin twisted away, unable to tolerate AJ’s touch.  He put his hand to the door.  Touched the doorknob.  Reality broke through, and tears began to fall.

            Dan was gone.  The one who believed in him.  The one who loved him.  The one who kept him going.  The one he turned to.  The one he depended on.

            Who was going to hold him at night?

            Who was going to keep him safe?

            Who was going to squeeze his hand?

            Dan loved him.

            “I can’t believe you’re crying over Danny Boy,” AJ said.

            “I hate you,” Justin whispered.

            “You’d better say that to my face,” AJ said.

            As he turned, the sight of AJ made Justin nauseous.  “I hate you.  He’s given me strength, he’s given me hope, he’s the only solid thing I have left in this world.  He’s the only one I can depend on.  I can’t even depend on the guys anymore!  Have you seen them lately?!  Dan is all I have left!  I just found him, and you took him away from me!  I can finally sleep through the night!  I can finally smile!  I was laughing again!  Dan makes me feel real!”

            “Oh, Justin, you can be a real boy again,” AJ said.

            “I hate you!”  Once wasn’t enough.  “God, AJ, I hate you!”

            “Works for me,” AJ said.  “You can stand here and cry some more if you want, but don’t leave the house and don’t touch a phone.  I’m taking a shower.”

            “You sick fuck,” Justin said, stunned and outraged.  “What the hell is wrong with you?  How can you not care?  Joey thinks you’re so damned passionate, but you’re so fucking cold.”

            “What should I get passionate about?” AJ asked.  “That you’re fucked up and you think Danny Boy can magically heal you?  That someone finally gives a shit about you?  That I hurt Danny’s feelings?  None of this means anything to me, Justin.  I hate to break the news to you, but this is just a game.”

            “This is my life!  You fucking - - this is my life!”

            AJ shrugged, casually.  Cold as ice.  “It’s not mine.”

            Dan got in his car, slamming the door shut and punching the dashboard.  “Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!”

            Damn it!  Fuck AJ!  That abusive fucker had the balls to be self-righteous about - - that cruel bastard had fucking - - “Shit!” Dan shouted, grabbing the wheel with a sudden urge to rip it out and slam it into AJ’s face.  Justin was in that house, Justin was in there, and Dan couldn’t do a damned thing about it.  Justin hadn’t budged, hadn’t even hinted at the possibility of leaving with him.  It had been all “I love AJ” and “I need AJ” and “I’m sorry” while pain and trauma bled from Justin’s eyes.  How could Justin look that stricken and still insist on staying?

            AJ had done one hell of a good job victimizing Justin.  And now Justin was back in there and that abusive sociopath was free to do whatever the fuck he wanted.  Justin was in fucking danger and AJ was in there seducing him, destroying him, ripping him apart all over again.

            Screaming to vent his fury, Dan pounded on the dashboard, cursing vehemently.  He was enraged, and terrified for Justin, and so damned frustrated, so damned impotent.  What the hell was he going to do now?  Everything he’d already done, all of those secrets and promises and fuck, fuck, fuck!

            Dan shouted until his throat was raw.  Finally, emotionally drained, he sagged in his seat, rubbing his hands over his face and taking deep breaths.

            God.

            Justin.

            The pain of it cut so sharply, Dan struggled to accept that it was even possible.

            He had to admit the truth.

            It was his fault.  It was all his fault.  He’d pissed off AJ, he’d broken their agreement, he’d fucked up.  He’d fucked up, and now Justin was paying for it.

            AJ had gotten his revenge.  AJ had taken Justin back.

            If only Dan hadn’t told AJ to fuck off, if only he’d gone to see AJ, if only he’d taken Justin with him instead of leaving Justin behind.

            He’d let his pride get in the way.  He’d let temporary emotions rule him.

            He’d underestimated AJ.

            He’d betrayed Justin.  After all of those promises, all of those days and nights and reassurances and oaths, he’d let Justin down.  He’d put himself first.  He’d put his own passing anger and pride and resentment above Justin, above his friends, above everything else.

            He’d done this to Justin. Justin was in AJ’s house, in AJ’s bed, back under AJ’s control, because of him.  Justin was paying for his mistakes.

            AJ said “I love you” to Justin, and betrayed his trust, and hurt him.

            Dan used the same words, and then did the same thing.  Betrayed Justin’s trust.  Hurt Justin.

            He was no worse than AJ.

            He was also no better.

            It was the hardest lesson that Dan had ever learned.

            Leaving Justin in there had taken all of his strength.  Seeing Justin in there, hearing Justin’s voice and turning around and seeing Justin standing right there, wide-eyed and scared and straight from AJ’s bed - - it had broken Dan’s heart.

            AJ was in the shower.

            Justin sat by the front door, giving in to tears of pain.  Tears of frustration.  Tears of empathy.  Tears of self-hatred.

            He mourned for what he’d lost.  The hope.  The support.  The security.  The love.  The possibilities for his own future and his own life.

            Someone had believed in Justin, and Justin had betrayed him.

            Dan was gone, and Justin grieved for him.

            It had all happened so fast, Dan had been taken from him so suddenly…

            Justin had hurt Dan, and Justin would never forgive himself.

            He’d hurt someone good.  He’d hurt someone who’d only ever wanted to help him and love him and make him happy.

            He’d turned into them.  He’d become one of them.  Cruel, and calculating, and cold.  Mean, and manipulative.

            He’d passed the test of his loyalty to Kevin.

            He’d failed the test of his soul.

            AJ had gone after Erik and reclaimed Justin as his own.

            Howie called JC, to keep him informed.  He gave a few details, pretending not to know any more about AJ’s attack at the moment.

            Then he called Erik.  The cell phone, first; no answer.  He tried the house phone.

            “Townhouse, Trevor speaking.”

            “Trevor,” Howie said.  “Hi, this is Howie.  Is Erik-Michael there?”

            “Uh, yeah,” Trevor said.  “He’s kind of busy.  Can you hold on for a second?”

            “Sure, that’d be fine,” Howie said.

            “Okay.  One second.”

            Howie waited.

            “Howie?” Chris asked.

            “Chris.”  Howie smiled.  “How is everything at the Townhouse?”

            “Erik’s freaked out,” Chris said.  “He won’t leave his bedroom, and he won’t talk to anyone about what happened.  I don’t think he’ll leave the house tonight.”

            “Really,” Howie said, intrigued.  AJ impressed him.

            “At first, right after it happened, he was pissed off.  Then he got quieter and quieter, and he kept looking like his own thoughts were really painful, and then he went upstairs, and he hasn’t been down since.”

            “Did he say anything about what AJ said to him?” Howie asked.

            “Not in front of me,” Chris said.  “It seems like he didn’t tell the other guys much, either.  Oh, gotta go.”

            Howie waited.

            “Howie?” Trevor asked.

            “Yes?” Howie asked.

            “Erik’s busy right now.  Could you call back later?”

            “Okay,” Howie said.  “Thanks.  Bye.”

            “Bye,” Trevor said.

            Howie hung up and went to change clothes.

            “Howie Dorough just called my house,” Trevor said.

            “How’s Erik?” Chris asked.

            “He looks undead,” Trevor said.  “Seriously, he looks like shit.  He said there’s no way he’s talking to Howie, and if JC calls, he isn’t home.  I asked him if he wanted to eat something, but he’s not hungry.  It looks like he hasn’t moved from his bed.  He’s just sitting there.”

            “You could take food up to him,” Chris suggested.

            “What did AJ say to him?” Trevor asked.

            “I don’t know,” Chris said.  “You should make someone else answer the phone.”

            “What?” Trevor asked.

            “If JC calls.  You should make someone else answer the phone.  I think you’d have trouble lying outright to JC Chasez.”  Chris looked around, mystified.  “What’s that sound?”

            “Ashley and Jacob,” Trevor said.

            Softly strummed guitars.  “They sound good,” Chris said, troubled.

            “Dan plays, too,” Trevor said.  “He’s still kind of new at it.”

            “Okay, but, they sound good,” Chris said.  Not elaborate, but it was a sweet little melody.  It sounded nice.  His ears liked it.

            “Yeah, they actually have musical talent,” Trevor said.  “You could act less surprised about it.  They sing and dance, too.  And Ashley plays the piano.”

            “You guys should get together and form a band or something,” Chris said.  “Do they know any other songs?”

            “Do you want to go and make fun of them to their faces?” Trevor asked.

            “Yeah,” Chris said, getting to his feet.  “Let’s.”  His phone rang.  “Hold on.”  Oh, Kevin.  “Kirkpatrick.”

            “I’m in the Barclay Winchester,” Kevin said.  “Room 1525.  I’d like you to join me.”

            “Right now?” Chris asked.

            “Yes,” Kevin said.

            “Okay,” Chris said.  “I’m on my way.”  He hung up the phone and drummed his fingers on Trevor’s shoulder.  “I have to go.”

            “Yeah, I heard,” Trevor said.

            Chris skimmed his fingers under Trevor’s chin.  “I don’t enjoy leaving my caramel cutie.”

            “I don’t enjoy it, either,” Trevor said.  “Call me.  Or come over.  Tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever.”

            “Okay.”  Chris kissed him.  “You can still go make fun of Jacob and Ashley.”

            “It’s not as much fun without you,” Trevor said, kissing him again.

            Chris took another kiss.  “Bye.  I’ll be back at some point in the near future.”

            “Bye,” Trevor said.

            “You don’t like talking about what’s eating you alive,” Nick said, leaning against the refrigerator.

            Closing the cabinet, Joey glanced at him.  “Not as much as Ashley does.”

            “No one likes to talk about feelings as much as Angel does,” Nick said.

            “You like to talk about your feelings?” Joey asked, resting a hip against the sink.

            Nick shrugged.  “It’s easier for me than it is for other people.  I don’t know why.  I’m kind of emotional.”

            Joey grinned.  “You cry a lot?”

            “Not a lot,” Nick said with fake irritation.  He flashed a smile.  “I bet you cry.”

            “Only if I have to,” Joey said.  He wondered if he could get some truth out of Nick.  “How do you feel about JC?”

            “JC’s terrific,” Nick said.  “I’m so fucking proud of him, he’s an amazing person.”

            Joey didn’t know how to react to that.  On one hand, Nick had said firmly positive things about JC, and he was slightly mollified.  On the other hand, was that enough?  However, if Joey pushed for more, the conversation might take an ugly turn.

            “JC’s an incredible lay,” Nick said.  “If you lick-”

            “Whoa, whoa!  Stop right there,” Joey said, not wanting to hear more.  “I’ve heard enough about that from JC.”

            “Yeah?” Nick asked, grinning.  “What’d he say?”

            “That the two of you were all over each other.”

            “I’m all over everybody I fuck,” Nick said.  He smiled, visibly relaxing.  “JC was different, though.  He was so…”

            “Not another word,” Joey said, opening the silverware drawer.

            “JC really knows what he’s doing in bed,” Nick said.  “So do you.  I like that.  The way you handle Angel, you show a lot of confidence.  You’re sexy when you’re in charge.”

            Hell, fuck that, “I’m sexy all of the time,” Joey said, nudging Nick out of the way so he could get to the fridge.  He gave Nick his flirtatious grin.  “And I’m in charge all of the time, too.”

            “You sure are,” Nick murmured, grinning back, and gave him a quick, deep kiss.  “You’re not jealous, are you?”

            “Jealous?” Joey asked, kissing Nick again and pushing him aside, opening the fridge.  “Of what, you and JC?”

            “Yeah,” Nick said.

            Joey snorted.  “JC can have you.”

            Nick laughed.

            After a while, Justin dried his tears. He rubbed his bracelet.

            Dan had given it to him.

            Dan had given things to him.  Given things up for him.  Made him happy.  Made him feel safe.

            And now what?  Dan was out there, alone and betrayed.

            All of those happy smiles.  All of that positive energy.  Those deep blue eyes.  Those tight embraces.

            “Give it to me.”

            Justin looked up to see AJ standing over him, one hand out.

            Dan had used to hold a hand out to him.  Take his hand.  Two squeezes, two squeezes back.

            “Give it to me,” AJ repeated, snapping his fingers.

            “Give what to you?” Justin demanded, immediately defensive.  He wasn’t giving AJ anything.  Not a goddamned thing.

            “The bracelet.  Hand it over.”

            Justin was on his feet in a flash.  “Fuck you.”  This bracelet was his link to Dan, his link to Kevin, the only thing in his life that brought him strength from two sources when he had none of his own.

            “You’re not wearing his jewelry.  You think I let my boyfriend wear another man’s gifts?  Hand it over.”

            “I’m not your boyfriend,” Justin said.

            “Yes, you are.  You’re taking that shit off, you’re giving it to me, and I’m making sure that he gets it back,” AJ said.  “Danny Boy needs to know that it’s over.”

            “It’s not over,” Justin said, feeling his heart clench.  “Dan loves me.”

            “Hooray for him,” AJ said.  “Give me the bracelet, Justin.  Don’t make me take it from you.”

            He saw it in AJ’s eyes.  AJ wouldn’t back down.  If he resisted, it would come to a physical battle.  And as much as he hated AJ, he didn’t want to go through that.

            “You’re going to take it to him?” Justin asked.

            “I’ll have someone deliver it for me,” AJ said.  “One of your friends or one of mine, whoever’s going to the Townhouse.”

            “What are you and I doing now?” Justin asked, stalling for time.  “What’s our plan?”

            “We’re lovers,” AJ said.  “We spend the day together.  Sleep together.  Go out together.  You don’t speak to Dan, you don’t look at Dan, you don’t go near him.  If he calls, you don’t answer.  You don’t leave my side without my permission.  If I have to leave you alone, you follow all of the same rules just like I’m right there.”

            “No!” erupted from Justin without hesitation.  “You’re not taking him away from me!”

            “He’s already gone,” AJ said, unperturbed in the face of Justin’s explosion.

            “I need him!” Justin yelled.  “He keeps me grounded!  He keeps me sane!  Dan has gotten me through this fucking game!  How the hell am I supposed to do this without him?!”

            “You’ll figure something out,” AJ said.

            “Dan has been great for me!  He’s loved me!  He’s protected me!  He’s made me feel like I’m worth something!  He’s gone through hell for me, he’s fucked you for me, and now you want me to toss him aside like none of that matters?!”

            “None of that does matter,” AJ said.  “You should know that by now.”

            “What I know,” Justin said, seething, “is that you have taken something very important and very precious away from me.  Dan is strong.  Dan is loyal.  Dan is a good person and you know, I know you know, that he doesn’t deserve this.  He’s taken care of me, he’s put up with my bullshit and my breakdowns, he’s held me at night, he’s,” oh, god, “he’s,” oh, no.  “Who’s going to take care of me?” Justin asked, panic escalating.  “Who am I going to turn to?”

            “Justin-”

            “I need Dan,” Justin said, breathing too fast, rubbing his bracelet.  “I need Dan, I need him to tell me it’ll be okay, I need him to step in and make it better, I need him to hold me, I need him to-”

            “Justin,” AJ said firmly.

            “I need Dan,” Justin said, reaching for the doorknob.  “I need Dan, I can’t do this, he’ll help me get through this, he’ll help me-”

            “I’m not dealing with your psychotic breakdowns,” AJ warned, hauling him away from the door.  “Get the fuck-”

            “Dan!” Justin shouted, fighting to get free of AJ’s hold.  “Dan!  Dan!”

            AJ forced Justin up against the wall from behind, pinning him there.  “Get a fucking grip.  Stop it!  Shut up, and listen to me.”

            Sandwiched tightly between the wall and AJ’s body, Justin said Dan’s name to himself, squeezing his eyes shut.  AJ’s hold on him hurt, but he didn’t care what AJ did to him.  Kevin had taught him that what happened to his body didn’t matter, but this emotional trauma, he couldn’t escape.  He couldn’t lose Dan, he couldn’t.

            “You hate me,” AJ said, not relaxing his grip.  “That works for me.  I don’t care if you like me.  But you’re going to cooperate.”

            “Dan,” Justin whispered, panting.  He needed Dan.  He needed Dan.  He needed Dan.  If he didn’t have Dan, he wouldn’t be that person anymore, he’d go back to the other Justin, and he couldn’t do that, not now, no.

“We have to spend a lot of time together, as the reunited couple, to make up for lost time,” AJ said.  “And I have to keep you on a short leash so you won’t go near Dan.  I’ll let you see your friends,” he added.  “But Dan gets no access to you.”

            Justin shuddered, eyes still closed.  “I’m not staying here with you.”

            “We could go to your place,” AJ said.  “Unless the Dan memories would be hard on you.”

            Sleeping with AJ, in the same bed where Dan held him?  Where Dan had recited poetry and made him safe?  “I don’t want you in my house.  I don’t want you in my bed.  I don’t-”

            “Then we’ll stay here,” AJ said.  “Give me the bracelet.”

            “Fuck you,” Justin said, opening his eyes.  No, no, no.  “It’s mine.  I need it.”

            “Don’t test me,” AJ said.  “Give me the bracelet.”

            “My life’s been shot to hell,” Justin said.  “I don’t have a lot left to lose.  I’m not giving this up.”

            “Justin,” AJ said.  “Do you want me to tell the fellas that you’re not cooperating?  Do you want me to tell your friends that you’re fucking up the game because you have a crush on Dan?”  He exerted a little more pressure, forcing Justin more tightly against the wall.  New pain registered.  “Do you want me to tell Brian that you’ve been a bad boy?  Do you want me to tell Kevin that you’re disobeying?”

            Dan was gone.  Justin had let AJ force him into betrayal.  Kevin already hated him, but he couldn’t afford to draw any negative attention to himself.  AJ had taken Kevin away from him, and was threatening to turn Kevin even further against him.  If he did what AJ wanted, he’d lose Dan.  If he defied AJ and went to Dan, Kevin would pull away from him one more critical step.

            He couldn’t lose Dan and Kevin permanently.  Not both of them.

            Maybe it wouldn’t be permanent.  This phase of AJ’s plan couldn’t last forever.  The game kept changing.  Maybe, maybe, “When will I get to talk to him again?”

            “When I say so,” AJ said.

            Dan loved him.  Dan would wait for him.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered to Dan.  Dan would wait for him.  Kevin wouldn’t.  He’d lost too much; he had to be careful not to lose more.

            AJ’s hold relaxed.  “You got a grip now?”

            “Fuck you,” Justin muttered without looking at AJ, shrugging him off and turning around.  “I hate you.”  He removed the bracelet, dropping it into AJ’s hand.  His arm felt naked.  His body felt vulnerable.  “You’re disgusting.”

            “Works for me,” AJ said.  “Nice little stones.  I’m surprised he could afford it.”

            Justin met his eyes, glaring at him with contempt.  “You’ve never loved anyone.”

            “Yes, I have,” AJ said.  “I just don’t act like a weak little pussy about it.”

            Trevor was in the practice room with Jacob and Ashley when the doorbell rang.  Since they were more occupied than he was, he went to answer it.

            Howie Dorough was at his front door.

            Looking fucking gorgeous.

            “Hi,” Trevor said.

            “I know, you said that he’s busy,” Howie said.  “If he doesn’t want to see me, I’ll understand, but I just heard about AJ, and I’d really like to see him.”

            “You didn’t know?” Trevor asked.

            “I had no idea,” Howie said.  “I’m so sorry.  If you could tell him that I’m here…”

            “I’ll go tell him,” Trevor said.  “Come on in, sorry, I - - I’ll tell him.”  He turned and hurried upstairs.  Wow.  He knocked on Erik’s door.

            “What?” Erik asked.

            Trevor opened the door.  “Can I turn on a light?”

            “What?  Yeah,” Erik said.

            Trevor flipped on the overhead light.  Erik was still sitting there on the bed, knees drawn to his chin.  “Howie’s downstairs.  He just heard about AJ.  He wants to see you.”

            “Howie’s here?” Erik asked.  He looked surprised and disturbed.  Confused.  Like he didn’t know how to react.

            “He looks so damned good,” Trevor said.  “And he sounds worried about you.  You could just talk to him for a minute, to say you’re okay.”

            Erik hesitated.

            “He could come up here,” Trevor said.  “Or-”

            “No, no,” Erik said.  “I’ll go down there.”

            “Okay.”

            Erik unfolded himself, getting up.  He was only wearing boxer-briefs and a T-shirt.  Trevor personally would not have deliberately walked up to Howie Dorough without dressing for the occasion, but it didn’t seem like the right moment to criticize Erik’s clothing.  Erik went downstairs, and Trevor went down, too, taking a detour to the kitchen, trying to eavesdrop.

            Erik walked over to Howie, who was still there by the front door.  Shit, Trevor should have invited him to sit down, instead of just leaving him there.  Stupid.

            “Erik-Michael,” Howie said, sounding so sweetly worried that Trevor’s knees weakened.  “I’m so sorry.  I just heard, I had no idea.”

            “It’s okay.”  Erik was hanging back, like he didn’t want to get too close.  He crossed his arms over his chest.  “I’m fine.  It’s not a big deal.”

            “I can’t believe that AJ would - - is there somewhere that we can talk?” Howie asked.  “Your room, or my house?”

            “I don’t really want to talk about it,” Erik said.  “I’m just going to go to bed early.”

            “Erik-Michael,” and Howie’s voice lowered to a soft murmur that Trevor couldn’t hear.

            Erik avoided eye contact but nodded a few times, arms still crossed, rubbing one elbow.  Whatever he said in response to Howie was quiet, gaze flickering to Howie’s eyes.  Howie seemed unhappy, and Erik seemed withdrawn, and Trevor wondered what was going on, what their relationship really was.  Shaking his head, Erik took a step or two back.

            Howie said something so softly that Trevor couldn’t even hear his voice, just saw his lips move.  Erik looked at him, like whatever Howie had said was beginning to break through.  Howie kept talking, slowly, haltingly, touching his own hair, and Erik took one step forward, then another.

            They exchanged a series of whispers, standing so near to each other that Erik’s crossed arms were maybe half an inch from Howie’s chest.  Erik, taller than Howie, lowered his head, and Howie gazed into Erik’s eyes, gesturing vaguely, rubbing Erik’s upper arm.

            Erik nodded.

            Howie whispered something else.

            Erik nodded again, and turned away, and went upstairs.

            Howie waited, keys in hand.

            Erik came downstairs, dressed.  He and Howie left together.

            That solved at least one of Trevor’s problems.

            If JC called, he could say, in all honesty, that Erik wasn’t home.

            Because Erik had gone out for the night.

            With JC’s lover.

Continue on to part fifty-three

matthew@matthewtime.com
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