"Sucker"

Sucker

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Continued from part thirty...

Trevor jogged into the rehearsal room, quickly trying to duck into position. “I’m sorry, I’m here, I’m right here,” he said breathlessly.

Jacob snapped off the music. “We just spent all day yesterday promising each other we’d get focused, and you’re late to our first practice?” he demanded.

“I’m sorry,” Trevor said. “I was,” he noticed Justin, “running a quick errand and it took a little longer than I thought.”

“It’s only five minutes,” Erik said in Trevor’s defense.

“Try being five minutes late to our next show and see how that goes,” Jacob said.

Justin watched them argue for another minute before getting back to work. Trevor had just seen Kevin. Trevor had just been with Kevin.

Kevin.

And Trevor.

Kevin. He was so powerful that the mere thought of him, the simple fact of him, was debilitating. And he was wasting his time on Trevor? When he had not a second to spare for Justin?

Maybe Justin was no one. Maybe Justin was useless worthless trash. Maybe Justin was nothing more than a discarded cunt. But he’d be damned if he’d ever let Trevor Penick take his place in Kevin’s bed.

With Nick gone, and Brian just leaving, Kevin, AJ, and Howie lounged carelessly in the back by the pool.

“How’s Chris?” Howie asked Kevin.

“He gives good head,” Kevin said. “How’s JC?”

“He doesn’t know what to do with himself,” Howie said, undoing the first few buttons on his shirt. “He doesn’t know how to act, what to think, or what to feel. He doesn’t understand anything about me or Nick or his own responses to Erik, and it’s driving him out of his mind.”

“Yeah?” AJ asked. “Has he started giving you trouble?”

“He asked about my ring.” Howie gave it an idle glance. The sunlight made it glitter brilliantly.

“What’d you say?” Kevin asked, opening his eyes.

“I told him that I couldn’t remember who’d given it to me.” Howie smiled at AJ’s laughter. “I said that it might have been a Christmas gift.”

“Did he believe you?” Kevin asked.

“No,” Howie said. “That’s his problem, not mine.”

“He could try to make it your problem,” AJ said.

Howie smiled again. “He’s welcome to try.”

While Jacob and Ashley worked out the kinks on a turn, Trevor pulled Dan aside. “I might have a problem.”

“Then how might I be able to help?” Dan asked. He glanced over Trevor’s shoulder; Erik was sitting down beside Justin.

“I picked up some papers for Kevin, and I took them over to his house.” Trevor kept his voice low, not wanting Justin to overhear. “Everyone was there. AJ, Brian, Howie, Nick, everybody.”

“Sounds good so far,” Dan said with a grin.

“Yeah, except that Joey was there with Nick.”

Dan frowned. “Why is that a problem?” Maybe a problem for Ashley, but- “Joey,” Dan said suddenly, realizing. “Chris doesn’t know that you’ve been helping out Kevin.”

“And Joey might tell him,” Trevor said.

“Shit,” Dan said, thinking about it. Chris was really good for Trevor, and Dan didn’t want anything to mess that up.

“I don’t know what to do,” Trevor said. “I’ve been lying to him and sneaking around behind his back.”

“Doing errands, not having sex,” Dan said, trying to keep it in perspective.

“With his ex-boyfriend,” Trevor said.

True. “Damn.” Dan thought some more. Justin and Erik were laughing. “You can tell him before Joey gets a chance to. Or, you can wait to see if Joey tells him, and then sit in agony waiting for Joey to say something.”

“I should stop talking to Kevin,” Trevor said. “I know that, I know it’s going to blow up in my face.”

“You have to decide if it’s more important to help Kevin or to keep Chris,” Dan said.

“It’s Kevin Richardson,” Trevor whispered. He groaned, rubbing his face. “And I’m in love with Chris.”

“Then your decision’s made,” Dan said.

“Do you have a problem with me?” Justin demanded. Trevor turned quickly; Dan looked to see Justin glaring across the room at Jacob, who was glaring right back.

“Now what?” Trevor asked Dan.

“What’s going on?” Dan asked, trying to keep things calm.

“Do you hear yourself?” Jacob demanded. “Do you even listen to what you’re saying?”

“The question is why are you listening to what I’m saying?” Justin asked. “This conversation was between me and Erik, so I don’t know why you’re suddenly in it.”

“What’s your problem?” Erik asked Jacob. “We were just talking.”

“Jacob?” Dan asked.

“I don’t like the way he talks about women,” Jacob said. “I didn’t like hearing him and Joey last night, and I don’t like hearing it right now.”

To be honest, Dan hadn’t been comfortable with what he’d heard last night, either. Still, “Justin’s experienced a little more of the world than we have. Once you’re Justin Timberlake, and you’ve spent years with women throwing themselves at you on a daily basis, things probably look a little different.”

“And that gives him the right to talk like that?” Jacob asked. He turned his glare on Justin again. “How would you feel if someone talked about you that way?”

Justin stood. “You don’t want to take it there with me.”

“Guys,” Ashley said. “It’s not that serious.”

“You think that Joey won’t be talking about you that way?” Jacob asked Ashley. “You think that when Justin’s telling his oh-so-funny story about what a slut he met last week, Joey won’t talk about how easily he got you to give it up?”

“Joey’s in love with me,” Ashley said firmly.

“I didn’t hear them say anything about love,” Jacob said. “I heard them talking about sex and how hot she was, how much she wanted it, what she was willing to do for it. I heard them talking about tits and ass and pussy and legs and nipples and tongues and body parts. I heard them talking about whores and sluts and bitches, but I don’t think that I heard anything about love.”

“Shut up,” Justin snapped. “Shut the fuck up. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You like calling women names?” Jacob asked. “You like reducing them to body parts? You like degrading them for a few laughs?”

“You have no idea how I treat women,” Justin said.

“What if they did that to you?” Jacob asked. “How the hell do you think that would make you feel?”

“You think the girls I fuck don’t tell their friends about it?” Justin asked.

“I think that they don’t use the same tone of voice or any of the same words,” Jacob said.

“You made your point,” Erik told Jacob. “We got the message.”

“Guys like Justin and Joey don’t get the message,” Jacob said. “They’re never going to get it, either. They have no fucking idea what it’s like to be shamed and degraded like that. No one’s ever going to mock their desperation behind their backs or call them whores and sluts to their faces, even if that’s what they are.”

An ugly look crossed Justin’s face. “What did you call me?”

“Nothing,” Dan said firmly. “He didn’t say anything.”

“What’s your problem?” Erik demanded of Jacob.

“I called you a slut and a whore,” Jacob told Justin, “because that’s what you are. You have so much ridiculous, meaningless sex that you don’t remember names, you don’t remember faces, you just remember, what did Joey call it? A lot of wet pussy and some loud moaning? You’re a slut,” he accused, “and you’re a whore, and so is he.”

“Yelling at Justin isn’t going to make Joey treat Ashley any better,” Trevor said.

“Say it one more time,” Justin whispered. He wasn’t moving. There was something strange and dead in his eyes. “One more time.”

“You’re a whore,” Jacob said. “You’re a slut. You’re everything you call them and worse. You’re a bitch, Justin, and you’re a cunt, and you’re-”

Brian parked his car in the Townhouse driveway, getting out and stretching in the sunlight. Basking in the sun’s warmth, smiling in anticipation of seeing his love, he was taken by surprise when the front door slammed open and Justin burst out, running from the house.

“Justin?” Brian asked with concern. Justin had broken out into a sweat, his breath too fast and too shallow, terror in his eyes. His hands shook visibly as he fumbled with his keys.

If Justin was this upset, he must have lost it in front of O-Town. Brian couldn’t guess what had set Justin off or what Justin had said in response, but he might have jeopardized the game. Brian had to find out what had happened, so that he could do damage control. And, if Justin was losing it, they needed to know how far gone he really was.

“Justin?” Brian asked again. Keeping his voice low and calm, he put a hand on Justin’s forearm. “What happened? Are you all right?”

The front door opened; Dan stepped outside. “Justin!”

Brian had one second to make his move. Digging his fingers into Justin’s flesh, he whispered, “Pull yourself together.” He put force and command in his tone, enough to startle Justin into meeting his eyes.

Whatever Justin saw there scared him into dropping his keys. They hit the driveway just as Dan arrived. “Justin,” Dan said. Something was wrong; Brian had never seen Dan look upset with Justin before. Not quite angry, but not happy, either. “Are you okay?” All of his attention was on Justin, eyes intent on Justin’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Justin said, avoiding Dan’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Could we come inside?” Brian asked Dan, keeping his voice gentle for Justin’s sake. “I don’t really think that we should do this out here.”

Dan glanced at him, saw him as someone else keeping Justin’s best interests in mind, and nodded, immediately turning back to Justin. His voice was calm but not gentle when he said, “Come back inside.”

Justin raised his gaze, beseeching eyes lifted to Dan. For one instant, Justin was naked, wounded, exposed and begging; and in that moment, he was pleading with Dan to be his savior. Then he blinked, pulling back into himself again, hastily regrouping and dragging his old, tattered persona over the horror show inside. “I’m sorry,” he said, more sanely now. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - - is he okay? He’s okay? I didn’t mean to - - I’m sorry.”

“He’s okay,” Dan said. Justin still had all of his focus; Brian watched him with interest. Dan wasn’t a victim, and Brian liked him. “He’ll be fine.”

“I’m so sorry,” Justin said. Anguish was bleeding through again. Whatever had happened had knocked Justin so off-kilter he was having a lot of trouble finding his center again.

Dan picked up Justin’s keys, handing them over. He met Justin’s eyes, witnessing Justin’s agony; Brian watched him forgive. “He’ll be fine,” Dan said again, his tone kinder now. “Things got out of control, but Jacob was out of line. He was trying to make a point, but he took it too far. Jacob doesn’t know how to hold back once he gets going.”

“No,” Justin said, “don’t apologize. Jacob’s not the one who lost his fucking mind.” His words were rushed, his hands agitated; he was pretending to be much more together than he was. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s okay,” Dan said again. “Jacob’s going to be fine.” There was compassion in Dan’s eyes. “Come on back inside.”

“I don’t know,” Justin said, stepping back. “I just want to go home.” He wanted to be alone, and he wanted to avoid Brian. He hadn’t liked what he’d seen in Brian’s eyes. Brian’s tone had taken him by surprise.

“Why don’t you just come in for a few minutes?” Brian suggested, putting his hand on Justin’s back. He could feel the shivers running over Justin’s spine. “You don’t look ready to drive. You should take a few minutes to get calmed down.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed. “You know if you leave I’ll just come chasing after you to make sure you’re okay, so you might as well stay here and save me the trouble.”

Justin glanced at Brian. He clearly wanted to get away from Brian as soon as possible, but wasn’t strong enough in that moment to defy someone so close to Kevin. Against his own wishes, he gave in. “Okay,” he told Dan.

Brian walked Justin inside with Dan; at his suggestion, they went up to Dan’s bedroom. Justin sat on the bed, avoiding their gazes, rubbing at the inside of his elbow until Dan held his hand to make him stop it. Dan told Brian what had happened, and then Brian told Dan that he probably should go back downstairs and make sure that everyone was okay.

Dan was reluctant to go, but after receiving a look from Brian, Justin urged Dan to leave, assuring Dan that he was perfectly fine and had just overreacted. Dan squeezed Justin’s hand twice, and Justin squeezed back twice, and Dan left.

Brian rose and closed the door.

“I don’t know what you want, and I don’t care,” Justin said, getting up from the bed. “I’m going through too much right now to deal with one more person. I already made it clear to AJ that I don’t need anybody else trying to run my life. I don’t know what you did to Chris, but you don’t mean anything to me. Maybe you didn’t notice, but I’m about this close to losing the three molecules of sanity I have left, so this is a really bad time for you to try to tell me what to do.”

“You know how close you are to developing completely separate identities, and it scares you,” Brian said, gazing into his eyes with musing curiosity. “But you don’t know how else to handle your life.”

Justin froze.

“You have to step into your public self to function,” Brian said. “You force yourself to keep going, so no one will have a chance to figure out what’s really wrong. If you keep moving, if you keep walking… You have to keep talking and keep smiling, to distract everybody’s attention. Maybe if you keep dancing fast enough, they won’t notice that you’re bleeding to death right in front of them.”

“Get away from me,” Justin whispered, taking a step back. “Get away from me and shut up. I don’t want to hear this.”

Brian tilted his head to one side, studying Justin’s fear. “You think that it’s happening, don’t you? You think it’s finally crashing down around you. All of a sudden I know you, Jacob knows you, everyone’s finally started to see, and life as you know it is over. You’re making frantic calculations. You’ve been dreading this day since Kevin told you it was coming. Now you have to decide what to do. Does this mean that you’re free now, that there’s nothing to live up to anymore and you can wallow in the rot of your own filth without fear of being found out? Is it already too late, or can you somehow stem the tide and put off complete exposure until later? Is there any way to prevent everyone from figuring you out?”

“Shut up,” Justin insisted, wrapping his arms around himself.

“You don’t like being two people,” Brian said. “The normal, everyday Justin who walks and talks like a normal young man, onstage and offstage, with fans and with friends, handling daily life. The haunted Justin who screams all day and cries all night, terrified of being found out and begging for Kevin to give you another chance. You have to use the public Justin as a mask, because the real you can’t make it through the day, and because you have to put up as many barriers as you can, even if they’re flimsy, between you and the truth.”

“Go to hell,” Justin said, retreating until he backed into the closet door. He was afraid that he’d already been found out, afraid that this was only the second in a new lifetime of exposures. And he did not like hearing his own thoughts and motivations being discussed in the clear light of day. Justin had gone to great pains to hide the truth about himself, and it was being dragged out for public inspection.

“You’d never say that to Kevin,” Brian said. “You regret saying it to me, in case it gets back to him, because he’d never let you talk to me that way. You can’t risk him hearing anything bad about you. He hates you, and he kicked you out of his life, and now you’re bleeding to death out in the cold and all you can do is wait for him to have mercy. It might work, and you’re praying for it to happen this time. Sometimes he takes mercy on you. Sometimes he’s good to you. There’s nothing you can do to make that happen; it just happens, without warning. He runs every aspect of your life, and you have no influence over any part of his existence.”

“You don’t know anything about me and Kevin,” Justin said in near panic. “You don’t know how he treats me. You don’t know how he responds to me.”

“I know you,” Brian said. “I know how helpless he makes you feel. I know how much that scares you. You’re powerless against him, you can’t control your own reactions to him, and that’s a scary feeling. You can’t stop yourself from being in love with him. You can’t stop yourself from saying yes to him. He can do anything he wants, and all you do is take it and ask for more.”

“You don’t know that,” Justin said, denying it with a shake of his head. “You can’t know all of this.”

“Look at you,” Brian said. “You want to be with him right now. Right now, at this second, you wish that he were here with you. You’re wondering if he’d stand up for you. You’re wondering if he’d even care. You know that everything I’m saying, he already knows. Kevin knows everything about you. Every thought you’ve ever had. Every impulse, every reaction. He knows you like he made you. He knows you because he created you.”

“Get out of my head,” Justin whispered.

“The fear’s just rolling off of you,” Brian murmured, stepping forward. “You’re so scared you’re trembling.” His fingers stroked along the gentle curve of Justin’s jaw. Justin flinched, trying to pull back but not having far to go; Brian’s touch followed. “You’re terrified of being known,” Brian said. “You’re terrified of being exposed for what you really are.” He caressed Justin’s cheek, slowly, sensuously. “That day’s coming, Justin. It’s on its way. But you haven’t been found out yet. Not yet.” He stroked across the bold lines of Justin’s eyebrows, gazing into confused, panicked, stricken eyes. “Jacob doesn’t know the truth about you. Jacob sees in you what he’s always seen. You’re no more exposed today than you were last month.”

“Please,” Justin whispered, shivering, begging. “Leave me alone.”

“He doesn’t know you,” Brian said softly, tenderly caressing the skin beneath Justin’s soft lower lip. “Ashley and Trevor and Erik and Dan don’t, either. What Jacob said didn’t mean anything, and they didn’t learn anything from it. They won’t look at you any differently.” Brian’s touch strayed back toward Justin’s ear, slipping down to the sensitive skin just under his jaw. “When the truth comes out, it won’t be like that. It’ll come from every direction, a barrage. You’ll be bombarded with it. It’ll build and build until it snowballs into an avalanche and your life is completely ruined. It’ll destroy you.” Brian stroked Justin’s cheekbone. “It’ll absolutely destroy you.”

Anguished blue eyes closed.

“He’ll never love you,” Brian whispered, stroking Justin’s hairline.

Justin sucked in unsteady air.

“But you’ll never be able to stop loving him,” Brian said. “And that’s what’s going to kill you.”

Justin turned his face aside.

Brian stroked Justin’s cheek. “I’ll see you later,” he said quietly. His fingertips brushed Justin’s mouth. “And don’t worry. It’s not you. I know everyone this well.”

Nick flipped on his turn signal. “You into public sex?”

“Sex in public?” Joey asked. He shrugged. “Not really. I do everything else in public, but I usually draw the line at actually sticking it in. Unless I’m in the right club.” He glanced at Nick. “Why?”

Nick smirked. “No reason.”

“Bullshit,” Joey said. “What, are you into public sex?”

Nick made a smooth turn. “I was with someone who really got off on it, so I learned to get into it, too. It’s not bad. You should try it.”

Joey very suddenly didn’t want to be in this conversation anymore. Nick was talking about JC.

“You’ve already started Ashley in the right direction,” Nick said. “You should push that, see how far you can take it.”

“Is that what you did with JC?” Joey asked.

Skeptical lift of Nick’s eyebrow. “You think I got him into public sex? I’m into public displays of affection, same as you, I have no problem putting my hands, my tongue, whatever, all over whoever I’m with. But fucking in public just for the thrill of what if we get caught? That was all JC. He started it, I was just trying to keep up.”

“JC is one of the most professional people I know,” Joey said. “He knows when to be up front and when to be discreet. He would never just-”

“JC likes to get fucked in public dressing rooms,” Nick said. “JC likes to get fucked backstage when it’s so close to show time he already has his freaking mike on. JC likes to get fucked in-”

“Shut up!” Joey shouted. “JC has dignity, class, and integrity, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you. He was,” god damn it, “he was in love with you! Did you ever think about treating him with any kind of respect?”

Nick made another turn. “I was always good to JC. I treated him damned well. I took him anywhere he wanted to go, I bought him everything he ever mentioned wanting, I supported him and encouraged him and made sure I was the best damned lover he’d ever had. Maybe you were too obsessed with AJ to notice that JC was happier with me than he’d ever been in his entire life.”

Joey looked out the window. He’d noticed. He remembered JC being so happy with Nick, JC had glowed. It had been great, it had been amazing. He also remembered seeing JC hurt and confused and desperate and scared in ways that Joey had never thought JC could be. Joey was never going to forget the way JC had been towards the end of that relationship, the wild ups and downs like JC was being yanked over a rollercoaster against his will, happy and upbeat and aglow one day, completely withdrawn the next. One week of smiles and laughter and perfect happiness, followed by a week of devastated silences and haunted eyes. Joey had been distracted by AJ, but he’d never forget getting a phone call from Lance and driving out to the ruin of the burned down house, weeks after the fire, and finding JC there…

“You did everything you could to break him,” Joey said.

Nick cruised through the intersection as the light turned red. “No, I didn’t. I know you don’t believe me. You’ll never understand what JC means to me.”

Joey hated Nick. He didn’t want to know what JC meant to Nick. It was probably something disgusting. Nick didn’t even see JC as a human being. JC wasn’t a person to Nick, he was a toy. “You fucked with him for your own entertainment. You fucked him over for fun and then you dropped him like garbage.”

“AJ did the same thing to you,” Nick said. “Looks like you got over it.”

Joey was seconds away from attacking the driver of a moving car. “You don’t know what the hell I’m over or not, you sick bastard, so don’t-”

“Give me a fucking break,” Nick said, simultaneously bored and amused. “You think I don’t know? You’re not over AJ, you never will be. You’re so damned desperate to get back with him that you’re willing to overlook and forgive and forget everything he ever did to you just to be with him again. All of the stunts he pulled, all of the pain and damage he caused, that’s all right out the window because there’s a chance he might want to fuck you again. You can’t say no to AJ, and you’d go for the throat of anyone who tried to get in between the two of you. JC can’t say no to me, and I don’t think he’d appreciate it if you tried to block the path.”

“I love JC more than you ever did,” Joey said.

Nick glanced at him. “Don’t bet on it.”

Jacob was lounging on his bed with Ashley when he heard a soft rap at the door. “Jacob?” Brian’s voice asked.

“Hey, come in,” Jacob called as Ashley sat up. “Dan said you were here,” he said as Brian entered the room. “How’s the psycho?”

“Hi, Ashley,” Brian said, walking over to the bed. “How are you doing?” he asked Jacob, sitting by Jacob’s side. “Erik-Michael said that you guys had to cut practice short.”

“Yeah, well, being jumped by a lunatic kind of disrupted things,” Jacob said. Brian’s warm smile and concerned gaze were dispelling the dark brood he’d been working on.

“Is Justin okay?” Ashley asked.

“He’ll be fine,” Brian said. Frowning, he touched the corner of Jacob’s mouth. “Justin has a lot of leftover problems and confusion.” His voice was distracted; all of his attention was being absorbed by Jacob. Privately, Jacob preferred it that way, even if that wasn’t very generous of him. Logically, he knew that he couldn’t remain the center of Brian’s focus; Brian had too full a life for that. But in the back of his mind, Jacob couldn’t help but be jealous of anything that took Brian’s time and attention away from him.

“Because of AJ,” Ashley said. “What did AJ to do him?”

“That’s a tricky question,” Brian said. “I’m not sure it’s my place to answer it.” His frown increased as he gently stroked Jacob’s neck. Jacob knew that there were bruises there but god, that felt good. Jacob felt his body relaxing at Brian’s touch, heat simmering quietly deep inside. Jacob’s gaze drifted over the strong lines of Brian’s face, attracted to the protective concern in Brian’s eyes. “What I’d like to know is, what did Justin do to you?”

“Nothing,” Jacob said, pride bristling. “I’m fine. Just a couple of bruises.”

“He slammed Jacob against the wall, he threw him on the floor, he-”

“It was nothing,” Jacob said firmly, giving Ashley a “shut up” glare. “It wasn’t that bad. He freaked out and ran off.”

“He was trying to strangle you,” Ashley said. “I swear I thought he was going to choke him to death,” he told Brian. “We tried to pull him off, but-”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Jacob said. “He fights like a girl. He pulled my hair.”

“It was crazy,” Ashley said. “The whole thing was nuts. I thought he was killing you.”

Jacob rolled his eyes. “He wasn’t going to kill me.”

“He says he wasn’t unconscious, but he was,” Ashley said. “He passed out when Justin threw him on the floor.”

“Ashley,” Jacob said, giving him a warning look.

“Justin was strangling him and he wasn’t even fighting back, he was just lying there,” Ashley said. “All of a sudden his eyes opened and I could tell he couldn’t breathe and-”

“Get out of my room,” Jacob said. He didn’t want everyone to make a huge deal out of it, and he didn’t want anyone’s overreactions to make Brian worry.

“No,” Brian said. His hand was on Jacob’s shoulder, a warm weight. “What happened?” he asked Ashley.

“We couldn’t get Justin off of him. His arms were so fucking strong and his hands were locked, it was like he was stone. Jacob couldn’t breathe and he was turning colors. He kneed Justin in the balls and he tried to go for his face, but he was getting weak and Justin acted like it was nothing.”

Brian’s attention was on Ashley, but his hand slid up to the side of Jacob’s neck, gently cupping, skin on skin.

“We just swarmed in,” Ashley said. “I took Justin’s right wrist and Erik took the left and Trevor had him around the waist and Dan had one arm around his chest, one hand covering his mouth and pinching his nose shut. We were all yelling and screaming, and Dan was talking to Justin right in his ear, and all of a sudden he snapped. He let go of Jacob and he threw all of us off and he just ran.”

“He’s a homicidal maniac,” Jacob snapped.

“We were fucking freaking,” Ashley said. “Jacob started coughing and choking, so we knew he was breathing, but it had all been so damned fast and we were all so freaked...”

“I’ll talk to Lance,” Brian said. “I don’t think that they all realize how far things have gone.”

Lance. Jacob was attacked by a mental patient, and it brought Brian and Lance closer together. Perfect.

“We were so scared,” Ashley said.

“I’m fine,” Jacob said firmly.

“You do sound a little hoarse,” Brian said, stroking his neck. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“No,” Jacob said. “I got jarred when he slammed me into the wall, but after that he was just choking me.”

“He wouldn’t let us check the back of his head,” Ashley said.

“Now you’re telling on me?” Jacob asked. “I’m fine!”

“Let me see,” Brian said.

“You were knocked unconscious,” Ashley said. “You could have a concussion or something.”

“He could have killed you,” Brian said quietly. “You don’t have to act like nothing happened.”

“It makes me sound so weak and pathetic,” Jacob said. “I hit the floor and passed out? I got beat up by Justin Timberlake?”

“He’s bigger than you are,” Ashley said.

“Ash,” Jacob said. “Not helping.”

“Here, sit up,” Brian said.

Sighing, Jacob leaned forward, lowering his head. Gentle fingers sorted through his hair. “I was unconscious for two seconds,” Jacob said.

“It was longer than that,” Ashley said.

“Tell me where it hurts,” Brian said.

Ow. Jacob inhaled. “Right there.” Damn. “I took some aspirin.”

“It looks like it’ll be okay,” Brian said. He smoothed Jacob’s hair back, letting him sit back against the headboard again. “Dan told me about the argument you were having when Justin lost it.”

“I’d say it again,” Jacob said. He’d meant what he said, and he refused to back down. “I don’t like the way they talk about women. And I know Joey’s going to be talking about Ashley the same way.”

“Joey wouldn’t do that,” Ashley said.

“Why not?” Jacob asked.

“Because… He wouldn’t,” Ashley said. He wasn’t going to bring up his “Joey loves me” argument in front of Brian, since Brian was the best friend of Joey’s boyfriend. Since Joey had a boyfriend, that told Jacob that Joey didn’t love Ashley and would have no problem discussing him in the most derogatory terms. Personally, Jacob had a very serious problem with that. But Ashley was too naïve to think that Joey would treat him that way. “He says those things about girls he meets in clubs. He talks like that about one night stands. Joey and I are…friends.”

“Friends,” Jacob repeated.

“Let’s not have this argument again,” Ashley said. “I’m going to go get lunch. Can I get you something to eat?”

“No, thanks,” Jacob said. “I’ll come get something in a minute.”

“Okay,” Ashley said. His eyes softened. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” Jacob promised for the hundredth time. Ashley hugged him; he rubbed Ashley’s back. “I’m okay,” he said quietly.

“Don’t ever do that again,” Ashley said, holding him tighter.

Jacob smiled. “I won’t.”

“Okay. I love you. I’ll see you later.”

“I love you, too, Ash.” Jacob watched Ashley go, relaxing with a sigh and looking at Brian. “Are you going to make a big deal out of this?”

“Dan didn’t tell me everything,” Brian said. “He barely told me any of this. He didn’t tell me that we almost lost you.” Brian stroked Jacob’s temple. “I didn’t know…” He tucked Jacob’s hair behind one ear, fingertips skimming down Jacob’s cheek. “He didn’t…tell me…”

Brian’s expression was rapidly slipping into grief, his voice dissolving into whispered silence, and Jacob quickly caught Brian’s hand, sitting up straighter. “Nothing happened. Justin tried to take me out, but you know I’m a stubborn son-of-a-bitch. I’d never let him have his way on anything.”

“I didn’t know.” Brian’s hand tightened on Jacob’s; his eyes looked alarmingly wet. “You…”

God, he couldn’t let Brian cry. Jacob caught Brian in a firm embrace. “I’m okay. What you should be worried about is that freak on the loose. I don’t know what kind of damage AJ did, but Justin’s so mentally unstable I’m surprised he can walk straight.”

“You’re still here,” Brian whispered.

“Right here,” Jacob agreed. He rested his chin on Brian’s shoulder, closing his eyes. Sore throat? Bruised scalp? Jacob couldn’t feel anything but Brian’s chest against his.

“I can’t imagine…”

“Nothing happened,” Jacob said. He kept his voice quiet, reassuring.

“I don’t want to imagine,” Brian whispered.

Before, Jacob would never have wrapped up another guy for an extended embrace and then just stayed there, holding on. Being part of the group had significantly changed his guy-touching boundaries. Brian had wreaked havoc on his remaining reservations. Brian touched him a lot. Not just a pat or a smack, either, but affectionate, lingering caresses. And not only on traditionally acceptable places, like the arm or shoulder, but his face, too. If any one of his old friends would have tried to caress his face, he would’ve smacked the guy’s hand away and said something insulting. But being with the guys had softened him. And, well, it was Brian. Brian was a very friendly person, and they’d become very close friends.

“I love you,” Brian whispered. His arms tightened, drawing Jacob closer. “I couldn’t take it if anything ever happened to you. You’re such a blessing. It’s a miracle that you’re here in my life.”

“I love you, too,” Jacob said. He rubbed Brian’s back. “It wasn’t that bad. Ashley’s overreacting. He had his hands around my neck, he was trying to choke me, he got off of me and ran out. The whole thing couldn’t have been more than a couple of minutes.”

“You’re such a fighter,” Brian said. “You’re so vibrant. How could anyone want to hurt you?”

Justin was deranged; that was how. “I’m okay,” Jacob said. “I’m fine. Barely a scratch on me.”

Brian pulled back, so Jacob let go. Brian’s hand cupped his face; Brian’s voice was frayed with pain. “I love you.” Brian’s breath caught; tears shimmered in his eyes. “Don’t ever leave me.”

“I love you,” Jacob said, moved by Brian’s emotion. One tear fell; Jacob wiped it away with his thumb, unwilling to watch Brian cry for him. “I’ll never leave you.”

“I want to be with you for the rest of my life,” Brian said. His voice was on the verge of breaking; he blinked back fresh tears. “I want to be in your life forever.”

“We will be together forever,” Jacob promised, drawn to Brian’s need for him. “I’m not going anywhere.” He let Brian fold him into another close embrace, closing his eyes and sliding his fingers through silky-soft hair.

“I love you,” Brian whispered.

“I love you,” Jacob whispered back.

“He got pissed off,” Dan said firmly, “and he had every right to. You heard what Jacob was saying to him.”

“He gets called a slut, and he flies into a homicidal rage?” Erik asked.

“People get into fights,” Dan said. “We fight all of the time.”

“We don’t actually try to kill each other,” Trevor said.

“Justin was out of control,” Ashley said.

“He’s not crazy, and he’s not dangerous,” Dan said. “I know that what happened was serious, and I’m not blowing it off. But I don’t want anybody acting weird around Justin.”

“He could have killed Jacob!” Ashley protested.

“He’s not going to come and murder us in our sleep,” Dan said. He studied their faces and sighed. “Justin has some pretty serious problems. AJ didn’t just slap Justin around, he fucked with Justin’s head in cruel, dangerous ways. That’s not Justin’s fault, and I’ve been doing my best to help him deal with what happened to him. He flipped out today, and I’m not saying that it’s okay. He was wrong, and you’re right, he was totally out of control. But Justin’s not dangerous. I don’t want you to start treating him differently. He’s my best friend, not some psycho freak. I was as shocked as you were. But I know Justin. I haven’t spent all of this time with him for nothing. He’s a victim, guys, he’s been…damaged. He didn’t go after Jacob with a butcher knife, he got pissed off because what Jacob said was way out of line, and things went too far. It’s that simple.”

“I don’t know,” Trevor said. “I’m just so freaked out right now, I don’t know what to think. I know he’s not a serial killer, it was just a fight that went bad. It’s just…”

“Justin needs help,” Ashley said. “Real help. I don’t think that you can do this by yourself.”

“I know,” Dan said. It was hard to admit, but, “I have no idea what to do. I don’t know how to get him help. I don’t think he’d be willing to do it.”

“Convince him,” Erik said.

“Talk to his friends about it,” Trevor said.

“If you can promise us that Justin’s cool, we’ll act like nothing happened,” Ashley said.

“Thank you,” Dan said sincerely. “I know you’re freaked out. It was…pretty intense.”

“I can kind of see Justin’s point, though,” Erik said. “I’ve wanted to kill Jacob myself once or twice.”

Everyone looked at Erik.

“Sorry,” Erik said. “Bad timing. I’m just saying.”

“That’s not funny,” Ashley said.

Trevor snickered.

“It’s really not funny,” Dan agreed, and started laughing.

Chris picked up his phone, turning down the volume on his stereo. “Kirkpatrick.”

“Chris.”

“Yes, that’s me,” Chris said slowly. “Justin?”

“I think I’m in trouble.”

“What happened?” Chris asked. “Where are you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it over the phone,” Justin said.

“Are you okay?” So much had gone wrong in Justin’s life, for him to call and say “I’m in trouble” meant that things were seriously bad. “Tell me where you are.”

“I’m okay,” Justin said. “I’m okay physically, but I… I’m scared. I’m really scared. People know, they’re starting to see, they’re figuring it out. And I’m doing things, I’m not in control. It’s getting serious, Chris, this isn’t just fish anymore.”

“Let’s pretend that made sense and keep going,” Chris said. “Did Lance call you?”

“No,” Justin said. “I don’t know, I wasn’t answering my phone. Chris, I’m scared. I’m afraid of myself. And he said things to me. They’re all saying things to me.”

“We’re all supposed to meet at Lance’s house. Can you get there? Do you want me to come get you?”

“I almost killed Jacob.”

Chris pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it, then put it back to his ear. “What do you mean by ‘almost?’” he asked carefully.

“I literally almost killed him,” Justin said. “I almost choked him to death.”

“Is he okay?” Chris asked.

“I think so. Dan said he’s fine. Dan said he’s okay, but… I don’t know what’s going on anymore. They’re all saying…things… He told me… He looked at me and he saw everything, Chris, everything deep inside me that…”

Chris closed his eyes. Justin sounded scared, and it was making his heart hurt. “Tell me what happened.”

“I can’t, not now, not - - I’ll meet you at Lance’s house,” Justin said. “I have to talk to Dan before I leave, but I’ll be over there soon.”

“I can come and get you,” Chris said.

“No, I’ll be okay,” Justin said. “I’ll meet you there.”

“I want to go over to the Townhouse,” Chris said. He could check on things, he could make sure that everything was okay. He didn’t know where Justin actually was, but if Justin was there-

“No,” Justin said. “Don’t come here.”

“Why not?” Chris asked. Justin was there, after all. If things had been all that serious, Justin wouldn’t still be there.

“Please. Just meet me at Lance’s house. I’ll be there after I talk to Dan. I can’t leave until I know Jacob’s okay, and then I’ll drive over.”

“Okay,” Chris said. Whatever Justin wanted, he’d do. “We’ll be waiting for you.”

“I can’t do this by myself anymore,” Justin said. “I need you.”

“You can have me,” Chris said. “You can have all of us.”

Brian watched Jacob at the refrigerator, munching on a chip as he dialed.

“Hey, lover,” AJ said.

“Hey, AJ,” Brian said. “I’m with Jacob at the Townhouse, and there’s been a,” he paused, “an incident.”

“What’s up?” AJ asked.

“Could you come over here? I’d really like to talk to you.”

“Sounds interesting. I’m on my way.”

“It’s about Justin.”

“And the plot thickens,” AJ said. “What are you trying to tell me? Do you actually need to talk about Justin, or is this for effect?”

“No, I really need to talk to you,” Brian said.

“Should I bring Kevin?”

“That would be a good idea.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

“I’ll see you soon,” Brian said.

“Bye.”

“Bye.” Brian hung up and gently ran his fingers through the end of Jacob’s ponytail. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“I told you it’s cool,” Jacob said. “Your friends are my friends. You can use my room for some privacy.”

“I don’t usually invite people over to someone else’s house, but I don’t really want to leave you right now.”

Jacob smiled at him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Brian stroked his temple. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Jacob said with another smile, handing him an orange. “Saying it more times doesn’t make it any more true, you know,” he added, gently teasing.

“I know,” Brian said. “I just…” He shook his head. “I’ve never felt this close to anyone before. No one’s ever been as important to me as you are. I’m not used to feeling this way. It keeps…striking me. How much I love you.”

“Yeah. I know what you mean.” Jacob leaned beside him at the counter. “It’s new for me, too. Feeling this strongly about somebody.”

Brian ran his fingers over the rim of a plate. “You didn’t think that you could love somebody this much?”

“Not unless it was a girl I was getting married to,” Jacob said.

Brian smiled at him. “You don’t want to marry me?”

Jacob laughed. “No, I don’t want to marry you.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have started sleeping with you,” Brian said with a sad frown. “They never buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.”

“You’re crazy,” Jacob said.

Brian laughed. “You have no idea.”

Dan knocked at his bedroom door, opening it slowly and stepping inside. “How are you doing?”

Justin stood from where he’d been sitting on the bed. “How’s Jacob?”

“He’s okay,” Dan said, closing the door. “What about you?” Justin’s eyes were too bright.

“Are you sure he’s okay?” Justin asked.

“He’s fine,” Dan said. Justin was breathing too fast. “Can you tell me what was going through your head?”

“He knew the truth and I had to shut him up before he told anyone else,” Justin said.

“Shut him up?” Justin had stopped talking too soon. He was holding back, holding himself in, holding himself together. Dan had to hear from the real Justin to find out what had really happened. Dan could only hope that, this close to the edge and with someone he trusted, Justin would let go enough to open up.

“I could hear him,” Justin said. “In my head.”

“You could hear Jacob?” Dan asked. “Or AJ?” He was going by instinct, and chances were he was dead wrong, but Justin wouldn’t have reacted that strongly to what Jacob had said if AJ weren’t involved.

“You’re a whore,” Justin said. “You’re a slut. You’re a bitch, Justin, and you’re a cunt.”

“You know that’s not true,” Dan said.

“You’re a whore,” Justin said. “You’re a slut. You’re a bitch, Justin, and you’re a cunt.”

“You’re not,” Dan said. “You’re none of those things. Tell me why you stopped, why you left the room.”

“I heard you,” Justin said. “There was all of this noise and all of these voices and I just wanted everybody to shut up and leave me alone, and then I heard your voice, right behind me in my ear like we were in bed at night. You said, ‘Please, please, don’t hurt my best friend.’”

Dan remembered saying that, but he couldn’t imagine why that, specifically, would have gotten through.

Justin hugged himself, turning away. “My eyes were open the whole time, but I wasn’t really registering what I was seeing. It was like, when I heard you, my eyes opened for the first time. I looked down and…his neck was in my hands. He looked so young. He looked so innocent. He was staring up at me and his eyes were so blue…”

“He was trying to shove you away,” Dan said quietly.

“I’d been feeling all of this rage,” Justin said. “Panic and fear and terror. I looked at him and all of that drained away. I wasn’t afraid of him. I wasn’t mad at him. I barely even knew him.” Justin’s voice was lost in revelation. “I don’t hate Jacob. I hate myself. I’m not afraid of him. I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of the truth. I looked at him and I realized, he’s somebody’s best friend. He was a real person with a life and friends and a family and… I realized what I was doing and what was happening, and I ran.”

“He’s fine,” Dan said.

“What…” Justin turned to face Dan again, his arms still wrapped around himself. “What did I do to him?”

“You grabbed him,” Dan said. “You hit him in the face and split his lip, you slammed him back into the wall, grabbed him by the hair, and threw him down to the floor. He landed on his back and hit his head and passed out, but you were on him so fast… You started to strangle him.”

Justin sat on the bed.

“We tried to stop you. We were trying to pull you off, we were screaming at you, Ashley’s the one who scratched at your hands hard enough to draw blood. Erik slapped you across the face three times. But you wouldn’t move. There was this look on your face like… Like this was something you had to get done.”

Justin slid down from the bed to the floor, staring at Dan in his own mute horror.

“Jacob’s eyes snapped open and he looked…” Dan didn’t know how to explain it. “He tried to fight back but it was like he didn’t have the strength, and nothing had an effect on you anyway. It was like you didn’t even feel it.”

Justin lowered his face, running his hands over the back of his head.

“We all grabbed a different part of you and started pulling as hard as we could. I cut off your air supply and said everything I could think of.”

Justin curled in on himself a little more.

“He has a headache and a sore throat, but he’s fine. He’s downstairs eating and hanging out with Brian. By tomorrow it’ll be like it never happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said. “I’m sorry.” He raised his head; his eyes were scared and vulnerable. “I’m sorry.”

“You need help,” Dan said.

“I know,” Justin said. “I called Chris. The five of us are getting together to talk. I can’t do this by myself anymore. It’s getting too bad, it’s going too far. I’m losing it, and I’m working so hard to pretend everything’s okay, it’s like by trying to pretend I’m sane I’m using up the sanity I have left and losing my mind faster. I’m not getting better, I’m getting worse. The only thing keeping me grounded is you, but that’s not fair to you and it’s not enough.”

“What about professional help?” Dan asked. “With doctor-patient confidentiality, anything you tell will have to be kept private.”

“No,” Justin said firmly. “I’m not telling some stranger what he did to me. I can’t even tell my best friends, and - - no. No, no, I can’t.”

Dan knew that there was no point in arguing with Justin when that tone of voice came into play, but he had to push. “What happened today was… You were out of control. It started out as just a regular fight but it went way too far. It proves how bad things are. You need real help.”

“I know,” Justin said. “I’m going to find a way to get better. Give me another chance. Please.”

“I’m still in your corner,” Dan said, crouching down in front of him. “I love you, Justin. I love you, and I’m right beside you. But you have to let me help you.”

Justin’s eyes widened. They were a dozen different shades of blue at once. There was color in his face, shock parting his lips, wonder in his gaze. He looked like he’d been handed something stunning, a miracle.

“What?” Dan asked with a smile. “Nobody’s ever said ‘I love you’ to you before? Cute girls tell you that all of the time.”

“They don’t mean it,” Justin said. He still looked stunned. “Not like this. Not like you do.”

“I love you,” Dan said, since Justin seemed to need to hear it, “and I want to help you. You just have to help me help you, okay?”

Justin reached for Dan’s hand; Dan gave it to him. “I want to get better,” Justin said. “I don’t enjoy being like this. I never wanted to be like this. He did this to me. I fought him, I know it doesn’t look like it but I did. I used to be stronger than this, I used to be confident and independent and in charge of my life. I want to be that way again. I can’t live like this, I can’t live in fear.”

“You’ll get better,” Dan promised. “I’ll help you. I’ll do everything I can, but you have to do most of the work. I can’t make you better all by myself. You have to make it happen.”

“I used to be able to do anything,” Justin said.

“You still can,” Dan said firmly, looking directly into his eyes.

Justin tried to smile.

Dan squeezed his hand twice.

Justin squeezed back twice. “You have to stay here tonight. And your friends probably don’t want me to stay here right now.”

“Are you going to be okay alone?” Dan asked. “Can one of your friends stay with you? If-”

“Yeah,” Justin said. “No, it’s okay. They can’t all be getting laid tonight.” They could, but he’d work out something. “I’d better go. They’re probably waiting for me.”

“Okay.” Dan stood, hauling Justin to his feet. “It’ll be okay. Jacob’s fine, he’s not even taking it all that seriously.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said.

“I know,” Dan said. “You’ll be okay. Maybe this is one of those wake-up calls, to let you know it’s time to turn things around.”

“Yeah,” Justin said.

“Let me walk you out,” Dan said.

Justin hesitated at the doorway. “Brian’s still here?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. “Is that a problem?”

After a moment, Justin said, “No,” and headed for the stairs. Together, Dan and Justin walked outside to Justin’s car. “Thank you,” Justin said. “It sounds like a cliché, but I couldn’t do this without you.”

“Call me later,” Dan said. “Let me know how you are. Let me know if there’s anything you need.”

Justin got in, closing the door and starting the car, then slid the window down. “Come here.”

Dan leaned in, crossing his arms on the door. “You’re not going to kiss me, are you?”

Justin smiled. “No. I just wanted to hear it again.”

Dan rolled his eyes, then leaned in and whispered in Justin’s ear, “I love you.” He tugged on Justin’s earlobe. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Justin said, giving him a brilliant smile.

Dan shook his head. “Drive safely,” he said, stepping back. Justin backed down the drive; Dan waved good-bye.

“Well, thanks for wasting my time,” Joey said, getting out of Nick’s car.

“You’re welcome,” Nick said, getting out on his own side and shutting the door. “Thanks for having a great attitude about it.”

“Fuck you,” Joey said, fishing his keys out of his pocket.

“Hey.” Nick’s voice was soft; Joey looked over at him. “I know you’re still in love with AJ. I’m always going to have this thing with JC. That doesn’t mean we can’t do this.”

Joey didn’t feel like dealing with Nick. “I have to get to this meeting. Can we play alternate reality another day?”

“Come inside for five seconds,” Nick said, starting for the front door.

“No,” Joey said. “For what? I have somewhere else to be.”

“Five seconds,” Nick said, opening the door.

“Fuck,” Joey muttered, humoring him and stepping inside the house. “What?”

Nick closed the door and kissed him, a long, slow invitation. Joey’s hands rose of their own accord, cupping Nick’s face and sliding back into Nick’s hair. When Nick ended the kiss with a warm sound, Joey opened his eyes to see a teasing smile. He dropped his hands. “What was that supposed to be?”

“We can’t kiss good-bye outside,” Nick said. “Someone might see us.” Another slow kiss, brief with a delicious nibble. “Good-bye, sweetness,” Nick murmured, pulling back.

“You’re out of your mind,” Joey said.

“I love you, too,” Nick said, kissing his cheek and opening the door.

“Was that Justin leaving?” Erik asked as Dan came into the kitchen.

“Yeah,” Dan said.

“Is he okay?” Trevor asked.

“He’s going to meet the rest of the guys,” Dan said. He couldn’t answer Trevor’s actual question. Justin was okay, in the sense that he was capable of functioning, but that was about as good as Justin ever got. Dan had learned to look behind the day to day façade, and search for the real Justin underneath. That Justin was living like a trauma survivor under siege.

“You’d think if they were going to help him, they would have stepped in earlier,” Erik said.

“Maybe they didn’t know how bad things were,” Trevor said.

“Have you seen Justin?” Erik asked. “That’s hard to miss.” The doorbell rang. “Not it.”

“So young, and so lazy,” Dan said, gazing at Erik and shaking his head.

“So talented, and so lazy,” Trevor said.

“So ugly, and so lazy,” Dan said. Erik grabbed for him; he ducked out of the way, going to answer the door. He opened the door and immediately tensed for a fight.

AJ smirked. “Gatekeeper.”

Dan’s hand tightened around the doorknob. Anger was flooding him; he felt a hot glare overcome his face.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” AJ said. “Danny,” he corrected himself.

“Get away from this house,” Dan said, his voice tight with controlled rage. Watching Justin lose it, seeing how far from normal Justin was, the shocking violence - - he was learning all over again just how badly Justin had been traumatized, and all by AJ. And now, here AJ was, smug and perfectly at ease, while Justin was living life constantly on the edge. Dan could handle many things in life, but not AJ, not today.

AJ’s smile was smugly patronizing. “We have an invitation,” he said sweetly. The “we” referred to himself and Kevin; Dan was aware that Kevin was standing right behind AJ, but his mind and body registered AJ as such a threat, he didn’t have attention to spare for Kevin.

“I don’t care what you have,” Dan said. “You’re not stepping into this house.” With those words, he closed the door in their faces and locked it. Walking away, he said in passing to Trevor, “Don’t open that door.”

“Why not?” Trevor asked.

“Who’s out there?” Erik asked.

Dan went upstairs without answering.

Erik checked the peephole. “Whoa.”

“What?” Trevor asked. “Who is it?”

“It’s AJ.” The doorbell rang. “And he wants to come in.” Erik looked at Trevor. “Should we let him in?”

“I don’t know,” Trevor said. “We can’t leave him out there.”

Erik looked outside again. “He looks pissed.”

“At us?” Trevor pushed Erik aside to peek out.

“What are you doing?” Jacob walked up behind them. “Who’s out there?”

“AJ,” Erik said. “He’s pissed.”

“He’s probably pissed that he has to ring the doorbell ten times to get an answer.” Jacob pulled open the door. “Hey. Sorry. Brian’s in the back, in my room.”

Trevor felt his eyes widen. Kevin. Kevin, he’d left Kevin standing outside! He watched Kevin follow AJ and Jacob back towards the pool. “Why didn’t you tell me Kevin was out there?” he whispered, smacking Erik’s arm.

“I didn’t know,” Erik said. “I didn’t see him.” He looked in the direction of the guest house. “What are they doing here?”

“You heard what I heard. They came to see Brian,” Trevor said.

“Brian can’t go to see them?” Erik asked. “Now he’s inviting his friends over? Maybe we should start charging him rent. We can charge Chris, too.”

“Yeah, and maybe we should charge - - who are you seeing?” Trevor asked. “Nobody?”

“At least I’m not dating a short weird thirty-something guy,” Erik said.

“At least I’m hot enough to land a celebrity,” Trevor said, grinning. “Who’d you wake up with this morning? Your right hand?”

Erik glared at him. “Someday I’ll have a really great comeback for that.”

“You’re just mad that I’m so damned fine,” Trevor said, dancing up the stairs backwards.

“It’ll be really great!” Erik shouted after him.

“Don’t hate the caramel cutie,” Trevor said, reaching the landing.

“Really great!” Erik yelled.

Before Joey could ring the bell, Lance’s front door opened and everyone was staring at him. “Hi,” he said.

“You’re not Justin,” Chris said.

“No, I’m Joey,” Joey said, walking into the house. Chris closed the door behind him. “What’d I miss?” he asked JC and Lance.

“Justin’s in distress,” Chris said. “He said he almost choked Jacob to death.”

“Are you serious?” Joey asked. He didn’t know if it was safe to laugh.

“He’s on his way over,” JC said. “He didn’t give Chris any details.”

“Distract us,” Lance said. “Tell us how your day’s been.”

“My day’s been a complete waste of time,” Joey said. “Except for about two minutes with AJ, the rest of it was shit. I had to run around town running errands with Nick. I don’t know how you did it,” he told JC. “I can’t be near him for more than five seconds without hating him.”

“Here’s your first lesson in tact,” Chris said. “JC’s in love with Nick. JC would give his right arm to spend his day with Nick, having sex or running errands or dodging golf ball-sized hail. It’s not a good idea, as a friend, to complain about the horrible time you had doing something he would love to be able to do, but can’t.”

“Oh,” Joey said. Feeling like shit, he looked at JC. “I’m sorry. He and Howie…” A second too late, Joey caught himself, glancing at Lance. Shit. Now he was double fucked.

“Nick and Howie what?” Lance asked sharply, his gaze piercing.

“They only had good stuff to say about you,” Joey told JC.

“You were with Nick and Howie?” JC asked.

“Tell him what they said,” Chris said.

“Nick took me by Kevin’s house,” Joey said. “They were all there, it was a stupid set-up for Trevor. He-”

“They were all there?” Chris asked. “They were all? All of them? All five of them?”

“Can I go out and come back in again?” Joey asked Lance.

“Was Brian there?” Chris asked.

The doorbell rang.

“Thank god,” Joey said, and opened the door. Before he could say hi, Justin was hugging him, hard. Hugging Justin in return, Joey backed up, letting JC close the door. “What’s up?” he asked quietly, patting Justin’s back. “You okay?”

“I’ve been okay for so long all I know how to do is pretend,” Justin said. “I can’t remember the last time I felt normal. I’ve been faking it for so long, but that’s not enough anymore, I can’t even fake it now.” He let go of Joey, turning directly to Lance.

Lance’s arms rose around him securely. “You’re shivering,” Lance said, holding him more tightly.

“You’re so scared you’re trembling,” Justin mumbled, lowering his face and rubbing his nose against Lance’s shoulder. “The fear’s just rolling off of you. You’re so scared you’re trembling.” It sounded like he was repeating someone else’s words.

“Who said that to you?” Lance asked.

Justin stepped away from Lance and hugged JC without answering.

“It’s okay, J,” JC said softly, wrapping slender arms around him. “It’s okay.”

“I couldn’t pretend enough,” Justin said. “He saw me. He saw right inside.”

“Who did?” Joey asked.

“You can’t be talking about Jacob,” Lance said.

“You don’t have to pretend with us,” JC said. “You don’t have to pretend here.”

Justin extricated himself from JC’s embrace and hugged Chris. “Hi,” Chris said. “You don’t have to be okay. I haven’t been okay for a long time,” he said, walking Justin into the front room, tugging him down on the sofa.

“Yeah,” Justin said, pulling at the bracelet on his wrist. “I noticed.”

“Well, I try to be subtle,” Chris said. “So, let’s talk,” he continued, as everyone took a seat. “Are we having Lance and JC’s meeting first, or Justin’s?”

“Justin’s,” Lance said. “What happened at the Townhouse?” he asked Justin. “Are you all right? Chris said you attacked Jacob.”

“He was mouthing off,” Justin said. “He said something that hit,” he rotated his bracelet, “a little too close to home, and I lost it. I lunged at him, and when I threw him down on the floor, he hit his head and passed out. I jumped on him and started to strangle him. He woke up and tried to fight back, the other guys were trying to drag me off of him, but I was out of control. Then I realized what I was doing, and I stopped and ran off.”

“He was knocked unconscious?” Lance asked.

“He’s okay, right?” Joey asked.

“Dan said he’s fine,” Justin said. “Just a sore throat and a headache.”

“What did he say that pissed you off?” JC asked.

Justin hesitated. Lowering his gaze, he rubbed the emeralds on his bracelet. “He said… He said something that sounded just like what Kevin says to me.”

“You don’t have to explain it if you don’t want to,” JC said.

“Maybe you should,” Lance told Justin. “Maybe it would help.”

“We’ll understand,” Joey said. “We all have our own secrets. We’re in no place to judge you.”

Justin looked at their faces, each in turn. “I want to get better, and I can’t do that by myself. I need back-up. You won’t be able to help me if you don’t know more about what Kevin did to me.”

“You can tell us,” JC said.

“It’s not easy,” Justin said, looking away again. “Kevin treated me…badly. Some of it I’ve let slip, but a lot of it I’ve kept to myself. It’s very private. I’m…” He rubbed his hands over his head. “I’m ashamed.”

“Maybe…” JC looked around the room. “Maybe we should make a trade. I might regret saying this, but maybe if you tell us more about Kevin, we’ll each share something, too. So you’re not alone in this.”

“That sounds fair,” Joey admitted.

“Okay,” Lance said after a moment’s pause. “If you’re all going to do it, I’ll say something, too.”

“Chris?” Joey asked.

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” Chris said. “I’ve spent so long keeping it all to myself, I don’t know what to talk about.”

“It’ll help Lance to know more about Brian,” JC said.

“We’ve all kept everything so private,” Joey said. “Like we’re carrying around closely guarded secrets.”

“Because they made fools of us,” Lance said.

“Because what happened was very personal and very special, and memories are all we have left,” JC said.

“The best way to honor memories is to share them,” Joey said.

“What happened between you and Howie?” Justin asked Lance.

Lance looked away, then looked at Justin and tried to smile. “I never told you this, but every piece of jewelry he owns, I bought for him.”

“Every?” JC asked, sitting forward.

“He got rid of everything he already had. Most of it, he gave away, to his family, to his friends. A few pieces, he gave to me.” Lance held out his hand, displaying the ring there; his smile was ironic. “I bought him new jewelry. A whole spread. From cheap and casual to expensive and specially made. And then I added to it, a watch one time, earrings the next. Everything he had, I’d given to him, and I wanted him to have everything he might want.”

“He’s still wearing it?” Joey asked.

“One of the last times I was in his house, I checked,” Lance said. “I recognized every piece I saw. I gave it all to him. I didn’t see anything that wasn’t from me.”

“Still?” Chris asked.

“How can you not read into that?” Justin asked. “How can they do things and expect us not to see meaning there?”

“I had no idea,” JC said. “I wish I’d known.”

“What’s something we don’t know about you and Nick?” Lance asked.

“Well…” JC ran his fingers through his hair. “We were getting ready to move into the new house, and we were planning to make it a complete second residence. We wanted it to be fully equipped, so we could show up without packing a thing. It was going to be a full home away from home.”

“You bought something,” Joey guessed.

“I bought Nick a complete wardrobe,” JC said. “Suits, jeans, clothes for the club, clothes for the beach, clothes to wear around town, clothes to wear around the house. Everything, underwear, socks, shoes. Enough clothes to pack the new closet space.”

“Please, tell us it burned up and he doesn’t still own all of that,” Joey said.

“No, it never made it to the new house,” JC said. “It was all at my house. After the fire, I gave it to him. He has it all. He wears it all of the time.”

“Does that make you want to laugh or scream?” Chris asked JC.

“I have to smile,” JC said. “He looks good. And, even in a small way, it keeps me a part of his everyday life.”

“I’m going next, just to change the subject,” Joey said. “Do you remember the time I took Sammi and Patti to Vermont for that ski trip?”

“Yeah,” Justin said.

“How could we forget?” Chris asked. “You came back with a sprained ankle. Since you’re usually indestructible, that was pretty memorable.”

“I wasn’t in Vermont, and I wasn’t with Sammi or Patti,” Joey said. “I was in Cancun with AJ. I didn’t sprain my ankle on the slopes, I sprained it fucking.”

“You sprained your ankle having sex?” Chris asked.

“You were with AJ that recently?” JC asked.

“We weren’t together anymore,” Joey said. “But we were still fucking occasionally, and I had some time off coming up, so I invited him.” He shrugged and reluctantly admitted, “I thought that if we went somewhere, just the two of us, maybe he’d want to get back together. But, he said no.”

“We keep putting ourselves out there,” Lance said.

“That’s my sad story,” Joey said. “What’s yours?” he asked Chris.

“Brian’s always been very generous,” Chris said. He tucked his feet up, tugging at his shoelaces. “Whenever he and the others are going to an awards ceremony, he gets them all something nice, so even if they don’t win they’ll have something to take home. He bought a fancy new computer lab for his old high school. He bought an expensive watch set for his old baby-sitter’s wedding.”

“That’s nice of him,” Joey said hesitantly, glancing at Lance. Lance shrugged, watching Chris carefully.

“Brian doesn’t always buy things with his own money,” Chris told his shoelaces. “Sometimes he uses money I give him.”

“Why would you give him money?” Joey asked.

Chris untied his shoes altogether. “I pay Brian for the privilege of making love with him.”

Everyone stared.

Lance cleared his throat. “You pay him?”

“For sex?” Justin asked.

“If I wanted to make love with Brian, I had to pay for the privilege,” Chris said. “Sometimes he asked for something specific, like the watches. Sometimes he just named a dollar amount.”

“We’re not talking about a hundred bucks a night, are we?” Joey asked.

“No,” Chris said quietly.

“He made you pay him?” Justin asked.

“What if you refused to pay?” JC asked.

“I could never refuse Brian,” Chris said. “If I said no, he wouldn’t make love with me.”

“Did you have to pay him just to kiss him?” Justin asked. “Could you make out for free?”

“Brian loves making out,” Chris said. “But he wouldn’t let things progress unless I paid him. So I started to carry around cash.”

“It didn’t start out that way, did it?” Joey asked.

“No,” Chris said. “It wasn’t always that way. It started out as kind of a joke. You know, ‘I’ll give you head if you buy me that,’ ‘You can fuck me when we get home if you do this for me now.’ It went from being a once-a-week joke to the established way things were. I pay Brian for the privilege of making love with him.”

“Pay him for the privilege of it?” Joey asked. “That’s just another way of saying he’s a high-class call girl, which is just another way of saying he’s an expensive hooker.”

“Making love with Brian is a privilege,” Chris said firmly. He looked up from his shoelaces; his stare dared Joey to disagree.

Trevor slumped down farther on his end of the sofa. “So.”

Dan stretched out his legs. “So.”

Erik flipped channels. “So.”

Jacob crossed his arms over his chest, tipping his head back comfortably and closing his eyes. “So.”

Ashley stole the chips from Erik. “So.”

“Practice went great,” Jacob said.

Erik snickered.

“Kevin Richardson, Brian Littrell, and AJ McLean are in my house,” Trevor said.

“It’s like a wet dream, isn’t it?” Erik teased him with a grin.

“I wonder what they’re talking about,” Ashley said.

“Justin,” Jacob said.

“Yeah, but what about him?” Ashley asked.

“AJ’s not even with him anymore,” Erik said. “I don’t know how they think they can help him.”

“I’m really sorry about what happened,” Dan said to Jacob.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Jacob said.

“Does this mean that you’re going to have even more of an attitude about the amount of time we spend with Justin and his friends?” Erik asked.

Jacob smiled at him. “What do you think?”

“Come on, you can’t hate JC because Justin jumped you,” Erik said.

“No, but I can hate Justin for it,” Jacob said.

“It’s kind of hard to argue with that,” Trevor admitted.

“Now that…” Ashley shifted uncomfortably; Jacob smacked at his thigh to get him to sit still. With five of them on one couch, space was at a premium. “Now that we’re spending more time here at the house, together, everyone else is going to be around here more often?”

“You mean everybody’s extracurricular friends?” Jacob asked. “I was hoping that the opposite would happen, but, yeah, it looks like instead of us spending time at their houses, they’re all going to flock here.”

“Is that a problem?” Dan asked.

“Kind of,” Ashley admitted.

“Oh,” Trevor said.

“Ah,” Erik said.

“Yeah,” Ashley said.

“He’s going to have trouble playing reindeer games with Joey if Nick’s friends are around,” Erik explained.

“Thanks,” Jacob said. “I got that.”

“Joey and Nick’s relationship is up to them,” Dan said. “Nick’s friends understand that.”

“You didn’t see the way they looked at me?” Ashley asked.

“Yeah, the way Brian was cursing you out and throwing things at you was really out of line,” Erik said. “Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Ashley, if they have a problem with you, then that’s their problem. They’re not going to say anything crazy. If they do, tell them to get out of your business.”

“They should talk to Joey, not you,” Trevor said.

“I don’t want to cause any problems for him,” Ashley said.

“Then stop sleeping with him,” Jacob said.

“What’s that like?” Erik asked.

“What, being the other woman?” Jacob asked.

“No,” Erik said. “Getting dick up the ass.”

Trevor coughed. Dan patted his back. “You all right there?”

“Damn,” Trevor said.

“I don’t really know if everybody wants to hear about that,” Ashley said, glancing at Jacob.

“Are you embarrassed?” Erik asked Ashley.

“It’s kind of personal,” Ashley said.

“Why do you want to know, anyway?” Jacob asked Erik.

“I’m curious,” Erik said.

“I don’t know if I’m comfortable talking about it,” Ashley said.

“You’re comfortable enough to do it,” Erik said.

“If he doesn’t want to talk about it, he doesn’t have to,” Jacob said.

“What about you?” Erik asked Trevor.

“It gets me off,” Trevor said.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” Erik asked.

“It’s uncomfortable at first. But you kind of get used to it. I don’t have,” Trevor glanced down towards Ashley, “extensive experience. But when it happened, it was incredible. It rocked my world.”

“Good for you,” Dan said.

“Thanks,” Trevor said.

“I don’t buy it,” Erik said. “I know there’s a prostate and everything, but being fucked up the ass? That has to hurt. And it has to do weird shit to your head.”

“Only if you’re homophobic,” Trevor said. “Or if you’re not gay.”

Dan tapped Erik’s shoulder, motioning him closer. Erik leaned across Trevor. Dan whispered in his ear, “You’re not gay.”

Erik hit Dan and sat back. “I know I’m not gay. That’s why I don’t understand why you’d let some guy shove his dick up your ass.”

“Because it feels really, really great and it gets me off,” Trevor said. “Anything that gets me off is a good thing.”

“Okay, but how big is Chris’s dick?” Erik asked.

“I know you don’t expect me to tell you,” Trevor said.

“That has to make a difference,” Erik said.

“Some girls like them bigger, some don’t,” Trevor said. “Guys are probably the same. I’ve only been with Chris, so I have nothing to compare it to. I’m just guessing, but I’d think that bigger isn’t necessarily better.”

“You have a lot of questions,” Jacob said to Erik.

“Every guy I’m dealing with right now is having sex with other guys,” Erik said.

“It’s natural to be curious,” Dan said.

“Does Justin talk about his sex life?” Erik asked.

“No,” Dan said. “Not really. Right now, he’s keeping to himself. And what he and AJ did together is none of my business.”

“If you’re into guys, you’re into guys,” Trevor told Erik. “If you’re into dick, you’re into dick. If you’re not, you’re not, and you might not understand why other people are.”

“I guess,” Erik said.

“I love guys,” Trevor said.

“I love you guys,” Erik said.

“That’s nice,” Dan said.

“You want to make out?” Trevor offered.

“Gross,” Erik said, shoving him back. He grinned. “Maybe later.”

“Okay,” Trevor said, stretching out his arms along the back of the sofa, one behind Dan’s shoulders and one behind Erik’s. “Let me know.”

Continue on to part thirty-two

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