Copyright November 24, 2002-December 31, 2004 by Matthew Haldeman-Time

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people.  The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life.  This writing is a work of fiction.  I make no money from this venture.

Relevant information: "Craving" is a song on O2, O-Town's second album.

Continued from part eleven...

        Erik opened the door.  “Hey.  Brian.  Hi.  Sorry, I’m in the middle of, I’m getting ready, you’re here to see Jacob?”

        “Is he up yet?” Brian asked.

        “I don’t know,” Erik said.  “You know where his room is?  You can go on back.”

        “Thanks,” Brian said, stepping into the house.  Erik scurried off; Brian strolled through the house, crossing the pool area, to tap lightly at Jacob’s door.  There was no answer.  He smiled.

        Playtime.

        Brian silently turned the doorknob, entering the room.  Jacob was asleep, curled up on one side, his slender torso naked, the sheets pushed down around his slim hips.  Brian closed the door, smiling to himself.  He walked slowly through the room, stroking the edge of Jacob’s dresser, caressing the walls.  Moving silently, he picked up and put down things, inspecting pictures of Jacob’s family, uncapping Jacob’s deodorant to sniff it, paging through the notebooks piled on a chair, spinning the wheels of the skateboard propped against the wall.  Standing by the open closet, Brian ran a negligent hand over the clothes hanging there, flipping through hangers, investigating Jacob’s simple wardrobe.  He had no qualms about violating Jacob’s privacy.  It wouldn’t be long before he’d violated a lot more.

        Brian walked to the window, singing softly.  “It’s like you live in these walls, I hear your voice down the hall, I swear I see your face, it’s everywhere, it’s every place.”

        Jacob shifted in bed.

        Brian sang to himself more loudly now, opening the curtains.  “I starve myself past the pain, and still it won’t go away, the more I try to forget I remember...”

        Jacob rolled over, opening his eyes.  He stared, confused.  “Brian?”

        Brian turned to him, singing dramatically, “In the middle of the night, I turn on the light, too desperate to breathe, ’cause I get this craving.”  Jacob started laughing at him, sitting up to enjoy his histrionics.  Brian walked towards the bed, his gestures begging, his voice building in comic hysteria.  “There’s no time to waste, got to get a taste, satisfy my need.”  Jacob was laughing at Brian’s mock desperation.  Brian got on the bed, shaking Jacob’s shoulders, pleading as he sang, “Baby, won’t you save me, got this craving for you.”

        “Lunatic!”  Jacob burst into fresh peals of laughter, pushing Brian away.  “You’re so fucking crazy.”

        Brian rolled off of him to sit at his side with a bright smile.  “Good morning.”

        “Hi,” Jacob said, still laughing, sitting up.  “What time is it?”

        “I’m a little early,” Brian said.  “Erik let me in.”

        “Early, we’re supposed to meet up tonight at six,” Jacob said.

        “I don’t have to stay, if you have somewhere to be,” Brian said.

        “No, anyone who serenades me like that can stay,” Jacob said with a warm, amused smile.  “Let me run to the shower and we’ll hang out.  Feel free to sing some more.”

        Brian sat on the bed, watching Jacob rise and cross the room.  Jacob was fine-boned for a man, and waif-thin, but he moved gracefully enough.  He shouldn’t have tattooed the backs of his elbows, and the ink at the small of his back had been a mistake, but he had a tight, defined six-pack.

        The shower started.

        Brian smiled to himself.  He liked “Craving.”  When he was done, Jacob was going to sing it with much more heartfelt emotion.

        Howie opened the door, and before JC could open his mouth, Howie said, “JC, please, come in, I was hoping you’d be here early.  I’m almost ready.  I made reservations for noon at Cafferton’s, but we can leave early if we have to, to get to the meeting.”  Howie was walking away; JC followed him to the bedroom.

        “Howie,” JC said to his back.  “We have to talk about-”

        “I know,” Howie said, putting on a necklace and running a hand through his hair.  “JC,” he said earnestly.  “I’m sorry about what happened.  I thought that we were on the same wavelength, but I was wrong.  I misjudged several situations, and I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to hurt you.  From your phone call, from what Lance said to me, in retrospect, I can see how you and I weren’t communicating, and I can see what happened from your perspective.  I understand that you’re upset.  I’d be furious, too.”

        “You had no right to push me into any of that!”  JC was geared up for a fight, and that little apology wasn’t going to cut it.  “I told you that I didn’t want to give Erik head, I told you-”

        “I know that,” Howie said.  “I understand that you felt trapped, and I didn’t mean for it to seem that way.  You did say that Nick didn’t want you to give Erik head, but I have trouble believing that you’d let him run your life.  The moment seemed right, Erik seemed primed, I thought that you and I - - I’m sorry, JC.  You’re right, I was wrong.  I had no right to make that kind of decision without talking to you first, and I had no right to assume what you were willing to do.  It won’t happen again.  From now on, we’ll plan things out together, ahead of time, and I won’t go with the moment unless I get to talk to you about it first.  All right?”

        Agreeing to that would sound like he was giving in, and he didn’t want to do that, but Howie was offering to do what he wanted Howie to do.  Howie was saying exactly what he’d promised himself he wouldn’t give in without hearing.  “All right,” he said begrudgingly.  He hated this, he hated how he kept feeling backed into corners with Howie.  He’d been ready for a fight, but what good would yelling do now?  He had nothing left to yell about.  What had happened, had happened.  Howie had made decisions without him, and now Howie was promising not to do that again.  If he started shouting now, he’d look irrational.

        “Here’s what I was thinking about for today,” Howie said.  “When Erik gets here, we’ll flirt with him, tease him, talk to him.  I’ll be aroused, and you’ll suggest that he should give me head.  He’ll do it, he’ll want to do more, but we’ll have to go to lunch.  We’ll go to lunch, but we’ll have to leave early for the meeting.  We’ll ask him to come back tonight, and when he does, would you be willing to let him fuck you?”

        No.  “Why can’t he fuck you?” JC asked.

        “I hate it,” Howie said.  “I have enough trouble letting Lance do it.  I know that you hate having Erik touch you, but at least the sensation of being fucked might feel good for you.  I can’t stand it, I never do it.”

        He’d known it.  He’d known that Howie was a top.  “Why do you let Lance do it?”

        “He’s the only person I let do it,” Howie said.  “It makes him feel special.  He’s so busy taking sexual control, he doesn’t notice me taking emotional control.  You can do that with Erik.”

        JC didn’t want Erik to fuck him, but he wasn’t going to want it more tomorrow than he did today.  It was going to happen, it had to happen, and if he put it off, he’d only want it less.  “Okay,” he said.  “Tonight.”

        “JC, if you’re still angry with me, Erik’s going to notice it,” Howie said.

        Erik was fucking oblivious.  But JC’s anger was going to make getting through the day, and the night, more difficult.  JC had been able to tolerate Erik more when he’d felt like he and Howie were in it together.  Angry, and alone, everything was worse.  “What can we do about it?” he asked.

        Howie kissed him.  JC started to pull away; Howie pursued, murmuring, “Don’t fight it.”  JC tensed, wanting to push Howie away, but Howie kept kissing him, and kissing him, and kissing him, soft mouth and sleek tongue, coaxing and seducing, until JC began to relax, began to kiss back.  He was attracted to Howie, and everything that Howie was doing felt good, and Howie made it easy to forget everything else and follow desire.  JC reached under Howie’s shirt, Howie’s flesh warm and silken under his hands.  Howie pushed him down onto the bed, gently fucking tongue to tongue, cupping a hand between his legs.

        The doorbell rang.

        Howie squeezed gently, raising his head.  “Erik’s here.”

        JC wanted to push into Howie’s hand, but instead he sighed and said, “I’ll get it.”  Howie moved aside and JC got up, pulling his clothes into position, walking to the door.

        Erik was late, not that JC had ever known him to be on time.  As soon as JC got the door closed, Erik kissed him, and JC had to temper the overeager shove of Erik’s tongue into his mouth, reminding Erik how he’d taught him to kiss.  Erik kissed him deeper, fingers sliding up into his hair.  That pissed JC off; he hated people pawing through his hair.  But he pretended to like it, moaning quietly into Erik’s kiss, pulling Erik’s shirt up in the back, sliding his hands over Erik’s skin.  He was already turned on from Howie, so he rubbed his hips against Erik’s a little, letting Erik feel his arousal.  Erik’s hands were all over him, but moving in the controlled, firm caressing that JC had taught him, not his earlier clumsy style.

        “I want you so much,” JC murmured, his fingers crawling up Erik’s chest under his shirt.  “I’ve been thinking about you all morning.”  He sucked lightly on Erik’s lower lip, teasing Erik’s nipple.  “Come say hi to Howie,” he said, slipping his hands free, giving Erik a final kiss and turning away.  “Howie?” he called.  “Erik-Michael’s here.”

        “Erik-Michael,” Howie said from the den.  JC took him in that direction.  “Sit beside me,” Howie invited.  Erik sat down, and immediately Howie kissed him, so softly JC could feel it, so slowly it tugged on JC’s dick.  When Howie’s tongue slid into Erik’s mouth, Erik moaned, hand sliding up Howie’s thigh.  Howie’s hands cupped Erik’s face, stroked behind Erik’s ears, caressed Erik’s neck.  When Howie finally sat back, Erik’s dick was visibly hard, and he was blushing.  “It’s good to see you,” Howie said, trailing his fingertips along Erik’s shoulder, making no effort to get Erik’s hand off his thigh.  “How were you yesterday?”

        “I was, uh, fine,” Erik said, shifting nervously, glancing at JC as JC sat on Howie’s other side. “How about you?”

        “I missed you yesterday,” Howie said, and brushed light kisses over Erik’s mouth.  “JC and I were just talking about how much we want you.  How many things there are that the three of us can do together.”  He licked across Erik’s lips, squeezing Erik’s thigh.  “I’m glad you’re here.”

        “So am I,” Erik said with heartfelt sincerity.  JC wanted to laugh.

        “I’ll be right back,” Howie said.  “Don’t go anywhere.”  He kissed Erik again, then got up and left.

        Erik adjusted himself in his pants.  “What’s with him?” he whispered to JC.

        JC smiled, brushing his hand over the fuzz of Erik’s hair.  “That’s what Howie’s like when he’s horny,” he whispered back.  “He’s been talking all morning about the way it felt to come inside your mouth.  He doesn’t think you liked it, so he’s not going to ask you for it, but he’s wanted to do it again ever since the first time.”

        “Really?” Erik whispered, sounding surprised.

        “Howie doesn’t get loud when you go down on him,” JC said.  “You have to pay attention to the little things.  He’s been talking about you so much, I’m starting to get a little jealous,” JC said with a smile, knuckles brushing Erik’s cheek.

        Howie came back in, sitting between them.  “Cafferton’s is holding a table for us at noon,” he told JC, reaching up to stroke JC’s face.  JC kissed him, and Howie pulled JC closer, his hand cupping JC’s nape, his lips soft, full.

        JC lingered for a minute or two, enjoying the way Howie kissed.  Then he said, “Honey, we’re ignoring Erik-Michael.”

        “No, you go right ahead,” Erik said.  “Ignore me.  Pretend I’m not even here.”

        Howie turned to Erik, his hand settling over Erik’s on Erik’s knee.  “Have you been to Cafferton’s?”

        “I don’t think so,” Erik said.

        “It’s very nice,” Howie said.  “Very intimate.”  He leaned closer, and JC watched Erik get lost in Howie’s lovely, dark eyes.  Howie’s hand slid up Erik’s forearm.  “Erik-Michael,” Howie said.

        “Yeah,” Erik said breathlessly, leaning closer.  Howie kissed him, and Erik made a hot, surprised noise, cupping Howie’s ass in one hand.  Howie tilted his head, changing the angle of the kiss, and Erik started to moan, his hand massaging Howie’s ass the way JC had taught him.  They kissed for a while, and by the time Howie pulled away, Erik was flushed and panting.  “Howie.”

        “Yes?” Howie asked, one hand still splayed across Erik’s chest.

        “Do you want me to,” Erik’s gaze flashed over to JC’s momentarily, “do you want me to give you head?”

        “Yes,” Howie said, his hands on Erik’s hips guiding Erik to straddle him.  “Yes,” he said again, drawing Erik into a slow kiss.  “I haven’t been able to think about anything else,” he whispered.

        “Me, either,” Erik breathed, rubbing his hand between Howie’s thighs.  JC stared in disbelief, wondering what had happened to all of Erik’s old I’m-not-gay protests; he sure was quick to jump on Howie’s dick now.  Howie made a soft, appreciative noise, running his nails down Erik’s back.  Erik opened Howie’s fly, pulling out Howie’s erection, jacking it just the way JC had taught him, rolling Howie’s balls in his other hand.  Howie kissed Erik deeply, then said, “Now, Erik-Michael, don’t make me wait any longer.”

        Erik fell for it, sliding off of Howie onto his knees on the floor.  Howie tugged his pants down a little farther, tipping his head back.  Erik fisted his dick for a moment longer, spreading precum down from the head, then leaned in and took it in his mouth.

        Howie sighed, eyes closing.

        JC stared, not knowing whether to gloat or laugh.  Erik was going for it, really doing it, sucking Howie’s dick, head bobbing up and down, working to get more in his mouth.  He coughed a few times, but he didn’t stop.  He wasn’t very good, but he seemed determined to get it done.

        Howie sighed softly a few times, and when he came, he made a quiet “Hmm, wasn’t that nice?” noise.

        Erik choked, but managed to swallow most of it.  When he was done, he raised his head, lips bruised, chin smeared with cum.  JC leaned down, kissing his swollen lips, delicately licking the cum from his chin.  “That looked so fucking hot,” JC said.

        Howie pulled his pants up, fastening the fly.  “Thank you, Erik-Michael,” he said, kissing Erik, slicking his tongue into Erik’s mouth.  “You’re getting so good,” he murmured.  “That felt absolutely amazing.”

        JC smiled, biting back laughter.

        It had been hard to get through the day, before.  Now it was hard to get through the minute.  Justin felt distant, separated from reality, at the same time he felt naked, exposed, raw.  He wanted to cry, beg, scream, bleed, but there was so much agony inside, he couldn’t begin to feel it all, express it all.  So he walked through the moment, he made the motions, he pretended to keep living his life.

        Justin had one hand in his pocket, stroking Kevin’s bracelet, while he rang the doorbell.  He had to keep in touch with the little bit of Kevin he had left.  He couldn’t let it all be taken away from him.  He’d already lost more than he could survive without.

        The door opened and Trevor stared at him.  “Justin.  I mean…  Come in.”

        Justin couldn’t fake a smile.  “Is Dan here?”

        “Yeah,” Trevor said automatically, then blinked.  “Dan,” he said.  “Dan!” he yelled, turning to the stairs.  “Justin’s here!”

        Dan came hurrying down the stairs.  “Justin,” he said.  “Thanks,” he told Trevor, who was still staring.

        “No problem,” Trevor said, walking away reluctantly.

        “Justin,” Dan said again.  “Where’s your hat?  Your sunglasses?”

        He knew he’d forgotten something.  “I left in a hurry.”

        “Are you all right?” Dan asked.  “Did anything happen?”

        “We had a fight,” Justin said.  He felt cold.  He crossed his arms, missing Kevin, wishing he’d just done what Kevin wanted from him.  Why couldn’t he do one simple thing?  Why was he so stupid he couldn’t follow one clear instruction?

        “Come up to my room,” Dan said.  “We can talk in private.”

        Justin followed Dan.  Dan didn’t even know Kevin.  Dan was nothing like Kevin.  But Dan was the way Kevin was supposed to be.  Dan was strong, confident, self-assured, but most of all protective, supportive, encouraging, strengthening.  Kevin was advertised as being those things, but Dan actually lived them out.

        Justin sat on the bed; Dan dragged over the desk chair and sat on it, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, facing Justin directly.  “What happened?”

        If he pretended, Dan sort of looked like Kevin.  He was tall, anyway, with black hair and pale-white skin.  Dan was younger, and didn’t have Kevin’s powerful presence, but…

        Justin kissed him, fast and wet.

        Dan pulled away, holding Justin back.  “You don’t want that,” he said.  “You don’t want me.”  He let go.  “Tell me what happened with AJ.”

        “We had a fight,” Justin said.  He remembered feeling safe in Dan’s arms.  Safe and good and secure.  The same way he felt in Kevin’s arms, but vastly different.  Except he hated Dan.  He wanted to rip Dan apart the way Kevin had shredded him.  Do unto others as has been done unto you.  “He wanted to fuck, but I didn’t want to.  He said I must be cheating on him.  I said I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want him.  He said he knows you’re fucking me.  I said we’re just friends.  He said if I want him that much, why can’t I give it up?  He grabbed me, we got into a shoving match, he threw me on the bed and wouldn’t get off of me, so I,” Justin shrugged, “I gave in.”

        “He forced you?” Dan asked.  He sounded outraged.

        “No,” Justin said.  “I told him to go ahead and do it, if he wanted it that much.  When it was over, he told me if I gave it up to anyone who pushed for it, I was just the easy whoring pussy he’d thought I was.  I got mad,” Justin said.  “If I don’t let him fuck me, he gets mad and says I’m cheating.  If I let him fuck me, he gets mad and says I’m easy.  What the hell am I supposed to do?”

        “Break up with him and stay the hell away from him,” Dan said.

        “I can’t stay away from him,” Justin said.  “He has keys to my house, and he throws a fit every time I ask for them back.  If I stay with somebody else, he tracks me down.”

        “Go somewhere else for a while,” Dan said.  “Give him some time to cool down.  Go home to Memphis.  Don’t you have a house in L.A.?”

        Justin frowned.  That was actually good advice.  “I do have to be in New York,” he admitted.

        “Does AJ know that?”

        “I don’t think so.”

        “Go now, go early,” Dan said.  “Tell everyone not to tell him where you are.  Don’t stay at your usual hotel.”

        Justin looked into Dan’s eyes.  “Come with me.”

        “What?” Dan asked.

        “Come with me.  I don’t want to be alone.  I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be by myself right now.  It’ll just be a few days.  I don’t want to be alone.  You’re the only one who can protect me.”

        “Don’t you have security guards for that?” Dan asked.

        “Come with me,” Justin said.  “We’ll leave tonight.  He won’t know until it’s too late.”

        “Before you go, you should break up with him,” Dan said.  “You can’t just run away.  You have to confront him first, and then leave.  Be clear.  Be firm.  Tell him it’s over.”

        “It’s never over,” Justin said.  He pushed down on the rising tide of despair inside, but he couldn’t keep the haunted tone from his voice.

        “Make it over,” Dan said.  “It’s your life, Justin.  This is your time, your safety, your emotions.  No one has the right to hurt you.”

        “Haven’t you let anyone hurt you?” Justin asked.

        “In moments of weakness,” Dan said.  “I will never let anyone degrade me.  I’m a human being.  I don’t deserve that.”

        “May I help you?”

        Trevor located the source of the voice as the woman behind the welcome desk.  He walked over, trying to be cool.  “Do you know where Kevin Richardson is?”

        “What’s your name?”

        “Trevor,” he said, wondering why it mattered.  “Trevor Penick.”

        She checked something on her desk.  “He said you’d be stopping by.  He’s upstairs, in the Jeralee Conference Room, 342.”

        Surprised, grateful, Trevor said, “Great.  Thanks.”

        “Have a nice day,” she said.

        “You too,” he said, and found the elevator.

        The doors to 342 were open.  Kevin was at the opposite end of the room, speaking with two other men, the three of them sitting clustered around the head of the table.  Trevor hesitated in the doorway, not sure whether to let Kevin know he was there, or step outside and wait, or burst right in.

        Kevin looked up and saw him.  “Trevor.  We’re almost done here.  Can you do me a favor?”

        “Sure,” Trevor said without hesitation.

        “There’s a machine at the end of the hall.”  Kevin reached into his pockets for change.  “These guys won’t let me out of here, and I’m starving.  I could really use a Snickers and a Coke.”

        “Sure,” Trevor said, coming forward to take the coins from Kevin’s hand.  When Kevin’s fingertips brushed his palm, he almost dropped the change.  “I’ll go…get that,” he said.

        “Thanks,” Kevin said.

        His eyes were so green.  Trevor hurried down the hall.  One Snickers, one Coke.  By the time he got back, everyone was standing and shaking hands.  The other men left, and Trevor was alone with Kevin.

        Kevin closed the doors, taking the soda from Trevor’s hand.  “Thanks.  I really appreciate it.”  He popped the tab, taking a long drink.  “Tell me,” he said, taking his seat again.  “You talked to Chris.”

        Trevor suddenly had all of Kevin’s attention, and he didn’t know what to do with it.  He set the candy bar on the table and hoped he wouldn’t sound like an idiot.  “He’s definitely still messed up over you.  He used to talk about you sometimes, but now he avoids the subject, and Chris will talk about anything, so that’s pretty strange.”  He was babbling.  Kevin was unwrapping the Snickers bar.  Trevor had never seen Kevin eat.  He was fascinated.

        “Is there anything else?” Kevin asked.

        “He likes me, I know he likes me,” Trevor said.  Kevin wouldn’t care about this, but it seemed like evidence to Trevor.  “He touches me all of the time, but when I try to, you know, do more, he pulls away.  It’s like he wants to, but he doesn’t think he should.”  He was probably misinterpreting that.

        “I can tell that he does like you,” Kevin said.  “And I can see why.  You seem like you’d be great for him.”

        “You think so?” Trevor asked.  Kevin was complimenting him.  He wished he had a way to record this moment for posterity.

        “You must like him, too,” Kevin said.

        “It’s that obvious?” Trevor asked.

        “You’re willing to help him,” Kevin said.  “You do things for him, you help him out.  You’re in the industry, you know that people can say nice things to you all day long, but nothing ever comes of it.  I’ve learned to pay attention to what people actually do.  If they spend ten hours telling me how great I am, and how much they want to do for my career, that doesn’t mean anything to me, that doesn’t do anything for me, but the girl who sews up the rip in my pants five minutes before I go onstage, she’s helping my career.  I have women running up to me all of the time telling me how much they adore me, but if they aren’t willing to do anything for me, if they can’t even inconvenience themselves for my sake, how much can they really love me?”

        Trevor soaked up Kevin’s words like a sponge in water.  He’d never thought of it that way.

        “Chris can count on you.  I can tell that already.  You help him out, you look out for him, you do things for him.  He needs that.  You’re helping me, too.  If there’s something I can do for you, you let me know.”

        “Okay,” Trevor said, awed.  He could never ask Kevin for help.

        “I have to go,” Kevin said.  “Thanks a lot for coming out here.  I’m really on the run today, and I’m squeezing this in between things, otherwise I would have stopped by to see you.”

        “No problem,” Trevor said, scrambling to his feet as Kevin rose.  Kevin, come to his house?!  Unbelievable.

        “I’ll see you later,” Kevin said with a smile.  Trevor watched him leave.  There went the epitome of masculinity as Trevor saw it.

        Kevin thought he’d be good for Chris.

        He had Kevin’s approval and blessing.

        Helping other people and doing things for them was a good measure of the sincerity of true feelings?  Trevor would build Kevin a ninety-room mansion with his own bare hands.  He’d personally run for President and win just so he could declare the state of Kentucky the state of Kevin.  He’d single-handedly harness the power of the sun to heat the water for Kevin’s coffee, and be happy to do it.

        Okay, maybe he was getting a little overexcited.

        But, damn.  He’d just helped Kevin, and been invited to let Kevin return the fucking favor.

        Trevor danced his way to the elevators.

        Justin stopped and faced him.  “I want you to come with me.  To New York.  I don’t know what he’s going to do or how he’s going to react, but I know I’m going to spend my whole time there afraid to see him around the next corner.  If you’re with me, I’ll feel safe.  It’ll only be a few days, I’ll bring you right home.”

        Well, why not?  He’d been trying to resist, because even though there had been nothing behind that kiss, he didn’t want Justin to get the wrong idea.  But he knew that Justin wasn’t interested in him, not that way.  They were friends, after all, and if he could give Justin some support, then all the better.  A trip to New York sounded fun.  He did want to help Justin, and breaking up with AJ was going to be difficult.  “All right.  You let me know when we’re leaving.”

        But, of course, public was public, and private was private, and JC was skilled at separating the two.

        Erik had just given head for the second time in his life, so he was probably finding a return to normalcy a little jarring.  He was probably going to have to reconsider his whole “but I’m straight!” argument.  JC had never been confused.  He’d always understood that he liked women, he fucking loved men, and labels were meant to control fear.

        He wondered, as Erik spoke, whether he wanted Erik to give him head or not.  He didn’t particularly want his dick in Erik’s mouth, but he could make it excruciatingly degrading later, and that would be more fun if it were voluntary and enjoyable now.  It might even be nice to push his dick between those full lips, once Erik’s technique improved.

        Erik was smiling at him, so JC smiled back, wondering if burning down Erik’s house would be poetic justice.

        “JC, it’s almost two o’clock,” Howie said.  “We’re going to have to go.”

        JC did his best to look disappointed.  “I’m sorry, honey,” he said to Erik.  “We’d better go.  We’ll take you back to your car, okay?”

        “Yeah, sure,” Erik said, looking confused but standing with them.  “You have an appointment?”

        “It’s more of a…meeting,” JC said, as Howie dropped money on the table.  He picked up his sunglasses, briefly running his fingers down Erik’s back.  “I hate to break this up now.  What are you doing later tonight?”

        “Nothing,” Erik said, leaving the restaurant with them.

        “Why don’t you come over?” Howie asked.  “How about ten?”

        “Sure,” Erik said.  He was shifting nervously, grinning widely with anticipation, yet still trying to play it cool.  It only reminded JC of how young he was.

        Howie drove back to his own house, JC in the passenger seat, Erik in the backseat.  When Howie pulled into the driveway, he undid his seatbelt, turning to face Erik.  Erik leaned forward, and Howie reached for him, pulling him into a soft, warm kiss.  JC could tell just by watching how much Erik treasured Howie’s kisses, how much he relished them.  Erik licked at Howie’s lips, and Howie curled his hand around Erik’s nape, gently tongue-fucking his mouth.  “I can’t wait to be with you tonight,” Howie murmured, opening his eyes.

        Erik gazed dumbly at Howie for a moment, then recovered from his daze.  “Yeah,” he said quickly.  “Me, too.”

        “I hate having to go,” JC said, rubbing his hand over Erik’s hair as Howie’s hand slipped away.  Erik turned to him; JC kissed him deeply.  “I want you to make love to me,” JC whispered.  “I want you to fuck me until I come from it.”

        Erik’s eyes widened comically.

        JC kissed him gently.  “Tonight.”

        “Tonight?” Erik asked, his voice coming out almost a squeak.

        “It’ll be so good,” JC promised.  He was close to laughing in Erik’s face.

        “Ten o’clock,” Howie said.

        “Right,” Erik said, collecting himself.  “Ten.”  He fumbled blindly at the door handle, staring at JC.  “Ten,” he repeated, and tore his gaze away, getting out of the car.  “Holy shit,” he said as the door closed.

        “Keep a straight face,” Howie whispered.

        “I can’t,” JC said, about to lose it.

        “He’s not in his car yet,” Howie said.

        “Did you see his face?” JC asked.  He was going to lose it, he was going to crack up, he was, oh.  JC kissed Howie back, smothering his laughter with Howie’s mouth, putting one hand on Howie’s leg as Howie laughed into their kiss.

        “I can’t believe you asked him to fuck you until you came,” Howie said between kisses.

        JC loved how delicate Howie’s tongue could be sometimes, and how aggressive it could be at other times.  Howie kissed almost as well as Nick did.  “I can’t believe how fast he hopped on your dick earlier.”

        Howie laughed.

        JC licked the roof of Howie’s mouth, sliding his hand up Howie’s muscular thigh.  He heard a car.  “I think he’s leaving.”

        “Thank god,” Howie said, pulling JC closer.

        The gearshift was entirely in JC’s way.  “We’re going to be late,” he said, and in the back of his mind, that seemed important.

        “Okay,” Howie said, untucking JC’s shirt.

        “AJ wouldn’t hit Justin,” Joey insisted.  “He never hit me.”

        “I saw his face,” Lance said.  “AJ beat him up.”

        “Maybe it was Kevin,” Joey said.  “You know Kevin’s psychotic, he’s the coldest motherfucker out there.  Justin’s not going to tell us that Kevin punched him, so he’s blaming it on AJ.”

        “He’s telling the truth,” Lance said.  “You can ask AJ yourself.”

        Chris had arrived after that.  He’d been twice as jittery as usual, unable to sit in one spot for more than thirty seconds.  He didn’t want to be in the same room as Justin, Kevin, Brian, and Lance.  He was hoping that no one else would show up so he could go home.

        Unfortunately, Justin was the next person there.  It was true; Justin’s face was bruised.  Not horribly, just noticeably, fading dark marks.  No one had ever punched Justin before, not like that, and Joey was genuinely concerned, and genuinely pissed.  He got up, standing closer to Justin, to see better.  “Who did this to you?”

        “AJ,” Justin said.  “Getting punched in the face doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.  Maybe I was just too pissed at him to feel it.”

        Hearing it directly from Justin didn’t make it sound any more real to Joey.  “Are you sure it was AJ?”

        “Am I sure?” Justin repeated, giving him an odd look.  “It’s hard to be confused about whose fist is slamming into your face, Joey.  Yeah, I’m sure.”

        “It wasn’t Kevin?”

        Justin’s response was immediate, and angry.  “No, it wasn’t Kevin.  Kevin didn’t hit me, Kevin’s never hit me, Kevin doesn’t have to hit me.  And if he did, I wouldn’t lie about it.  I’m not stupid, Joey, and I’m not in denial.  Kevin hurts me, Kevin punishes me, Kevin hates me, he does a lot of shit to me.  If he’d done this, I’d tell you.  But it wasn’t Kevin, it was AJ.  And it’s not going to happen again.”

        “Why the hell would he beat you up?” Joey demanded.  He didn’t want to admit that it had been AJ, at all, but even if it had been, why?

        “He didn’t beat me up, we had a fight,” Justin said.  “He was an asshole, I was mad, we fought, we got over it.  Things are okay now.”

        “You seem fine,” Lance said.

        “Yeah,” Chris said from the couch.  “Why are you fine?  You were a little upset last night.  You know, in that mentally unstable way.”

        “I’m kind of in and out,” Justin said.  “Things are only halfway real to me.”

        “What happened?” Joey asked.

        “Kevin kicked me out of his life,” Justin said.  His shaky smile broke Joey’s heart.  “I’m coming apart inside.”

        “I’m always shocked I’m not bleeding somewhere,” Chris said.  “It always feels like I should be physically injured from it.  Or, you know, I’m assuming that’s how I would feel, if I’d ever been going through what you’re going through,” he added quickly.  “I’ve never had my feelings hurt.”

        Justin laughed.

        “Speaking of mentally unstable,” Lance said, looking from Chris to Justin.

        “Feelings hurt?” Justin repeated.  “I haven’t had my feelings hurt, I’ve had my heart ripped out through my chest, my spine ripped out through my back, my brain yanked out through the back of my head.  Whatever was in me that used to be my center, it’s gone.  There’s no equilibrium, there’s no foundation, I’m just wandering through this fucking wasteland that used to be my life.”

        Joey cast Lance a worried look.

        Justin didn’t notice.  “I’d give anything, god, everything, to go back.  To change things.  To start over again.”

        “Before this all started, to get away from Kevin?” Joey asked.

        “To keep things from going wrong,” Chris answered for him.  “To do it right this time, so Kevin would stay.”

        “You just said he ripped your spine out, and you want him back?” Joey asked.

        “AJ hit Justin,” Chris said.  “You don’t still want him?”

        “I…”  Joey didn’t know what to say to that.  “Of course not,” he said, but he was lying.  “I don’t know.”

        “I don’t care, it doesn’t matter to me,” Justin said.  “You can do whatever you want with him.  He’s still fucking me, and I’m the one he hit.”

        “You’re, he…”  Joey didn’t want to think about that.  AJ had hit Justin, and Justin was still having sex with him?  Why?

        “He’s not that good,” Justin said.  “He must be doing something with you he’s not doing with me.”

        “Not that good?” Joey repeated, incredulous.  “Not that good?!  AJ’s fucking phenomenal!”

        “He’s crude,” Justin said.  “He doesn’t have any class.”

        “AJ has heat,” Joey said.  “AJ has intensity.  What the hell is classy sex?  How much fun can that be?”  The doorbell rang; Lance left them.

        “He ruts like an animal,” Justin said.  “He comes on me like he’s marking his territory.  He shoved a bandanna in my mouth to shut me up.”

        “Very classy,” Chris said.

        “How are you all doing?”  Nick wandered into the room.  “Hey,” he said, coming right up to Joey, slinging an arm around Joey’s shoulders.  “Come home with me after this.  We have to call Ashley.”

        “Okay,” Joey said, debating whether or not to shove Nick off of him.

        “What happened to you?” Nick asked Justin.

        “AJ and I had a fight,” Justin said.

        “Looks like you lost,” Nick said.  His body was warm all up Joey’s side; his arm was a steady weight on Joey’s shoulders.  “What’s this meeting about, anyway?”

        “Do you have multiple personalities?” Joey asked.  Nick was matter-of-fact some days, rude other days, arrogant every day; but this seemed almost friendly.  Nick was just a little taller than he was, and he didn’t like that.

        “I don’t think so,” Nick said.  “Why, do you?”

        “Last time I saw you, you walked out without saying good-bye, and now you’re walking in here and hanging on me like we’re best friends,” Joey said.

        “Oh, sorry,” Nick said, and kissed him right on the mouth.  “Bye.”

        “Don’t kiss me now,” Joey said, disgusted, pulling away.

        “Ashley’s not a bad lay,” Nick said.

        “He’s pretty good,” Joey said, taking a seat in the armchair.

        “You didn’t tell me he was a screamer,” Nick said, sitting on Joey’s armrest.

        Ashley hadn’t screamed like that for Joey.  “There are other seats,” Joey pointed out.

        “I’m good here,” Nick said.

        Joey wanted him gone.  “When are your friends getting here?”

        “I don’t know,” Nick said. “Brian’s here, he’s talking to Lance.”

        Chris sat straight up, staring at the doorway.  Brian.  He stood.  Brian.  He walked past Justin, going to the doorway.  Brian’s voice.  He walked down the hallway.  Brian.

        There, in the foyer, Brian and Lance were standing close together.  Lance was talking.  Brian was listening, eyes fixed on Lance’s face, head nodding, hand curling around the doorknob, fingers stroking the lock.

        “Brian?”

        They turned; they looked at him.  Lance stepped back from Brian a little.  The doorbell rang; Brian stepped aside to let Lance open the door, and mouthed, “Kitchen,” right at Chris.

        Chris went to the kitchen, and stood there, and waited.

        And waited.

        Brian came in, walking right up to him, and kissed him so gently Chris’s bones hurt.  “Pet, you could see that I was having playtime,” Brian said, his eyes patient, his voice hushed.  “I can’t always play with you, you know that.  I’m playing with Lance right now.  When I’m playing with someone else, it’s not time for me to play with you.  You have to wait until it’s your turn.”

        “When…”  Chris swallowed.  “When is it my turn?” he whispered.

        “It’ll be your turn soon,” Brian said.  “I’ll let you know.  But until then, when you see me having playtime with somebody else, you can’t interrupt.”

        “Okay,” Chris whispered.  “Brian…”

        Brian kissed him again.  “Good pet,” Brian said, and left the kitchen.

        Brian had used to have playtime with him.  He’d used to be Brian’s plaything.  But he was used up and worn out now.  Lance and Jacob were new and shiny.  He’d used to be Brian’s favorite, but Brian had played with him too much, and now he was broken.

        Broken toys gathered dust.  Broken toys were put in a box in the closet, until memories faded, and they were thrown away.  They never got fixed.  Nobody ever played with them again.

        Chris walked back in, and sat on the sofa, and silently gathered dust.

        AJ was standing by Joey’s chair, talking to Nick.  Talking to Nick, listening to Nick, laughing with Nick.  Not talking to Joey.  Nick was talking, listening, laughing, touching, poking, teasing.  AJ was accusing Nick of being in a good mood, which might have explained the way Nick had been acting with Joey a few minutes ago.  When AJ had first walked in, he’d said hi to Joey, and Joey had said hi back, but then AJ had started talking to Nick, and hadn’t glanced at Joey since.

        AJ had hit Justin.  Beat Justin up, from the way it sounded.  Joey wanted to talk to him about it.  Find out why.  Find out how AJ felt about it, whether AJ was proud or remorseful or uncaring or apologetic.  AJ wouldn’t have hit Justin for no reason at all; from Justin’s own testimony, they’d been having a fight.  It hadn’t been one-sided.

        The doorbell rang; Kevin came into the room.  Justin, who’d been standing in one corner, jerked to attention suddenly, mouth opening, eyes beseeching.  Ignoring Justin entirely, Kevin walked over to sit beside Chris, his ankle on one knee, his elbow on the sofa back.  “What’s wrong?”

        Justin’s jaw dropped.

        Chris lowered his gaze, twisting his fingers.  “I interrupted Brian’s playtime.”

        Kevin tipped up Chris’s chin.  Justin took a step forward.  “Look at me when we’re talking,” Kevin said.  Chris raised his eyes, meeting Kevin’s gaze.  “Did he talk to you?” Kevin asked.

        “Yeah.  He kissed me.”  Chris was turning red to the tips of his ears.  “Twice.”

        Kevin withdrew his hand.  “I met with Trevor this morning.”

        “How was he?” Chris asked, sounding vaguely curious.

        “Impressed,” Kevin said.

        “It looks like everyone’s here, except JC and Howie,” Lance said, walking in with Brian.

        “They’re probably busy with Estrada,” AJ said.

        “This is JC’s meeting, so let’s wait a few more minutes,” Lance said.

        Chris watched Brian sit down with Lance.  Brian was-

        “Don’t look at him, look at me,” Kevin instructed quietly, turning his face.  Chris tried to glance back at Brian - - everyone was talking, Brian was talking, Chris wanted to listen, and watch - - but Kevin’s grip on his chin tightened just so.  “Brian doesn’t want you right now,” Kevin said, voice so low only Chris could hear.  “Talk to me.  Look at me.”

        “He used to want me all of the time,” Chris said softly, dropping his gaze to Kevin’s right cheekbone.  “All of the time.”

        “That’s over,” Kevin said.  “It’s been over for a long time.”

        “Not for me,” Chris said.  “It’ll never be over for me.”

        “Everything ends,” Kevin said.

        “Not the pain,” Chris said.  “Pain never dies.”

        “You don’t have to let him keep hurting you,” Kevin said.

        Surprised, Chris raised his gaze to Kevin’s eyes.  “I do whatever Brian wants.”

        “He wants to hurt you, so you let him?” Kevin asked.  “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who makes you feel good?”

        “I want to be with Brian,” Chris said.  “It doesn’t matter how I feel anymore.”

        “Why Brian?” Kevin asked.

        “Because he’s…  Brian’s…”  Chris remembered that Kevin wanted him to be quiet.  “It’s like Justin.  You treat him like shit, but he’s still in love with you.  He’d still do anything for you.”

        “No, he wouldn’t,” Kevin said.  “Justin doesn’t do anything for me, he won’t give me anything I ask for, he disobeys me every time.  Justin doesn’t love me at all.  I gave him one last chance, and he ruined it.”

        “I’d do anything for one more chance with Brian,” Chris said.  “I’d do anything he asked.  No matter what it was.”

        “Brian doesn’t want anything from you anymore,” Kevin said.  “I need you now.”

        The doorbell rang.  Lance rose from the sofa, leaving the room.  He came back with JC and Howie.  Howie looked pleasant, unruffled; JC had his head down, cheeks pink, hair tousled.  Lance resumed his seat on the couch; AJ moved to sit on Brian’s other side.  Howie sat beside Kevin.  JC took the recliner.  Justin leaned back against the wall, watching Kevin.

        “What took you so long?” AJ asked, leaning back.

        “We took Erik to lunch,” Howie said.

        JC looked at Nick.  Nick was on Joey’s armrest, relaxed, looking elsewhere.  JC wanted to get his attention.  Wondered if he could tell.  Wondered if he’d care, if he knew.

        “What’s this meeting about, anyway?” Nick asked.

        “JC?” Lance asked.

        Nick’s gaze turned to JC.  JC ached to be near him.  “We wanted to talk about working together,” JC said.  He forced himself to look away from Nick.  “We’re supposed to be equal partners, but that’s not the way it’s working out.”

        “What’s wrong?” Brian asked.  “If you want to do more,” he started to ask Lance.

        “It’s not about that,” Lance said.  “It’s about AJ hitting Justin, and the way Howie treats JC.  The basic inequalities.”

        “What are you doing to JC?” AJ asked Howie.

        “JC and I just talked about that,” Howie said, turning warm brown eyes to JC, his sentence ending with a hint of a question.  “I think that we’re back on the same page.”

        “We are,” JC had to say, considering what he’d just done.

        “What about you?” Lance asked AJ.

        “Justin and I were having a fight,” AJ said.  “He grabbed me, I shoved him, he hit me, I hit him back.”

        “There isn’t a mark on you,” JC said.

        “I won the fight,” AJ said.  “We agreed not to hit each other anymore.  We’re good friends now, aren’t we, Justin?”

        “Yeah, we’re great friends,” Justin muttered.  “I know you guys are just trying to have my back, and I appreciate it,” he said, watching Kevin but participating in the conversation.  “But I’m okay.  AJ’s an asshole, but I can handle it.”

        AJ’s dark eyes narrowed.  “You’re a whining bitch, but I wouldn’t say that in front of your friends.”

        “Fuck you,” Justin snapped without looking.

        “That doesn’t seem unequal to me,” Nick said.  “They’re both being bitchy to each other.”

        “Was there something else?” Brian asked JC.

        JC didn’t know what to say.  He was making an ass of himself, and everyone saw it.

        “Why are the five of us providing sexual favors for all of you and half of O-Town, when you’re not?” Lance asked.

        JC hadn’t expected Lance to go there, but the question needed to be asked.

        “Give me an example,” Brian said.  “I thought that Joey and Nick were both having sex with Ashley, and Howie and JC were both with Erik.”

        “Howie lets Erik suck his dick,” JC said.  “I’m the one who has to,” JC swallowed, “deal with him the rest of the time.”  He wished Lance hadn’t brought it up; they were going to have to say things out loud that none of them wanted to say.  Still, it all needed to be said, so that things would change.

        “JC and I talked it over,” Howie said.  “At each step we’re discussing what’s going to happen, so there are no more surprises.”

        “Then what’s your problem?” Kevin asked.  Justin jumped.

        “What about Lance?” JC asked.  “What’s Brian doing for him?”

        Brian ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck, then glanced up, admitting, “Lance would rather I not do things for him.”

        “What about Justin?” Lance asked.  “AJ keeps fucking him, what does he get out of it?”

        “I fuck him for Dan,” AJ said.  “Seems to be working so far.”

        “You’re offering?” Chris asked.

        “What?” Lance asked.

        “You’re offering to do things for him?” Chris asked Brian.

        “Show me to the kitchen,” Kevin said to Chris.

        “What are you offering him?” Chris asked.

        Kevin put his hand on Chris’s back, guiding him upward.  “Show me to the kitchen,” he repeated firmly.

        “Brian’s offering him things,” Chris told Kevin urgently.  “Brian’s offering him sex.  Brian won’t give me sex anymore, I’ve begged him and begged him and begged him, but he doesn’t want me anymore, he won’t play with me anymore, I’m broken on a shelf, I’m broken!” he yelled as Kevin dragged him through the doorway.  “I love him!” Chris shouted down the hallway.  “No, god damn it, I love him!  I love him!”

        Lance winced, looking down, as silence descended.

        “I’m sorry,” Brian told Lance, putting a hand over his.  “I’m so sorry.”

        “You should be,” Joey snapped.  “You’re the one who did that to him.”

        “Where are you going?” AJ asked Justin, who was crossing the carpet.

        “Fuck you,” Justin said, leaving the room.

        “Remind me to get out my leash,” AJ told Howie.  Howie smiled a little, but said nothing.

        “You are disgusting,” Lance said.

        “It won’t be new,” AJ said.  “Kevin had him on a collar all of the time.”

        “What?” Joey demanded.

        “I don’t want to hear this,” JC said.

        “You don’t believe me?” AJ asked.

        “No, I don’t,” JC said.  “And whatever did happen between Justin and Kevin is private to them.”

        “You don’t all tell each other everything?” AJ asked.

        “No,” JC said.

        “Do you?” Lance asked.

        “Sure,” Nick said.

        “Everything?” Joey asked.

        “Everything about Lance and his handcuffs and his rimming fetish,” AJ said.  “Everything about JC and his thing for public sex and his serious bottoming issues.”

        Shock whipped through JC, followed immediately by anger, and then shame.  Had AJ just said that?  How dare he?!  But if AJ knew, then it was because Nick had told.  What had Nick shared with them?  Why had Nick betrayed him?  Private moments, private experiences, things that were no one else’s business, no one’s.

        “Everything about you and your blindfolds and your videotapes,” Nick told Joey.  “I can’t believe you’re trying to tape sex.  That’s one of the stupidest things you can do.”

        “Everyone tapes sex,” Joey said.  At least Joey was trying to defend himself.  JC didn’t even know what to say.  Who the hell did AJ and Nick think they were?  How could they broadcast personal matters like this?  JC’s sex life wasn’t theirs to discuss!

        “Yeah, everyone who wants his ass across the Internet,” Nick said.  “You’re not as fucked up as Chris, though.  And nobody’s as fucked up as Justin.”

        “Justin was fine before Kevin came along,” Lance said.  JC could hear Lance’s own shame in the tightness of his voice, in the barely leashed anger.

        “So he wasn’t into handcuffs, blindfolds, spanking, whipping, and cutting before Kevin?” AJ asked.

        “What the fuck is wrong with you?” JC demanded, feeling hideously exposed, horribly betrayed, deeply ashamed.  He wanted to cover himself with his hands, wanted to protect his friends, wanted to know what the hell AJ had meant by “serious bottoming issues.”  “Justin doesn’t do any of that!  If he does, it’s none of your damned business!”

        “I’m the one fucking him now,” AJ said.  “I need to know what he likes.”

        “What I’d like is for you to get out of my house,” Lance snapped.

        “Good,” Nick said.  “I don’t know what we were doing here in the first place.  What the fuck is all of this?  What’s your problem?  You asked us to do this, you came to us and asked us for our help, and now you can’t even fucking cooperate?  Justin’s fighting AJ, Kevin has to beg and baby-sit to get Chris to do one goddamned thing - - we didn’t have to agree to do this, but we did, and now you’re all trying to fuck it up.  There are ten of us in this, and if one of you fucks up, we’re all screwed, the whole thing’s over.  We shouldn’t have to work this hard to get a little cooperation.  If you weren’t ready for this shit, you could have asked us to do it all for you.  But you wanted to do it, and you wanted our help.  Now you’re fucking complaining and bitching about it?  You invited us in on this, you asked us to help you out, because you thought we’d know what to do, and now you’re afraid to take a little direction?  Give me a fucking break.  Either get committed or get out.”  Nick stood, shaking his head, giving Lance a disgusted look.  “Come over to my place as soon as you’re done here,” he told Joey.  “And don’t take all day.”  He walked out.

        Nick.  JC didn’t want to stay behind, not with everyone looking at him, his shame, his pain, his humiliation.  He rose without a word and left, hurrying after Nick, catching up in the foyer.  “Wait,” he said, putting his hand on Nick’s arm.  “I have to talk to you.”

        Nick sighed, running his hand through his hair, closing his eyes briefly as though to refocus.  “Okay,” he said, giving JC a strained but warm, patient smile.  “Sure, baby.  About what?”

        “What did you tell them?” JC asked.  “Why did you tell them?”

        “We tell each other everything,” Nick said.  “I thought you guys would, too.”

        “What did AJ mean?” JC asked.  He couldn’t repeat it.

        “When?” Nick asked.

        JC kept gazing into Nick’s eyes.  He could say anything to Nick.  He could confess anything to Nick.  “Serious bottoming issues.”

        Nick grinned.  “JC, baby, you get off on anything put up your ass.”

        JC burned with shame.  How much had Nick said to them?  Everything?  Everything about…everything?  “That was private,” he whispered.  “That was just for you.”

        “What were you and Howie up to before you got here?” Nick asked.

        Anger rose within.  If they were going to tell each other everything anyway, why not tell Nick now, so Howie wouldn’t have to?  “He fucked me,” JC said.  “In his driveway, in his car, all over the damned front seat.  It was the best sex I’ve had all week.”

        Nick touched JC’s cheek.  “Better than me?”

        The shame, the anger, the pride made JC bold enough to lie.  “Yes.”

        Nick’s hand dropped.

        Fear rushed in.  He’d gone too far.  He shouldn’t have said that.

        The affection in Nick’s eyes vanished.

        A pit opened inside JC.  “Nick,” he said, gripping Nick’s wrist.

        “If Howie’s that good, then I guess you don’t need me anymore,” Nick said.  “If you don’t want me, then I sure as hell don’t want you.”  He twisted his wrist free.  “Have a nice life.”

        “Nick,” JC said urgently, but Nick was leaving, and the door closed in JC’s face.  No!  No!  Nick, Nick, “Nick,” and JC was opening the door, bursting onto the front step, remembering the last time he’d denied Nick, how Nick had walked away, how much agony he’d gone through just to get Nick to speak to him again.

        There were hands on him, gently tugging him back.  “JC,” Howie said.

        Nick was in his truck now, and the door was shut.  JC ripped himself away from Howie, hurrying to the driveway, calling Nick’s name.

        Nick’s window slid down.

        “Nick,” JC said, reaching him.

        Nick’s face was angry, and the tone of his voice smacked JC across the face.  “Don’t come to me with someone else’s cum leaking out of your ass.  Don’t speak to me with Estrada’s dick fresh from your mouth.  Don’t ever come to me again unless you’re mine.”  Nick put his truck into reverse, backing up quickly, making JC jump out of the way.

        Nick was gone.  Nick was angry, and hurt, and gone.  JC couldn’t go through this again.  Why had he said that, why had he pushed Nick away?  JC ran his hands through his hair, turning back towards the house.  He’d go to Nick, he’d go straight to Nick’s house and explain, apologize.  He’d been upset, that was all, and he’d lied, he hadn’t meant it, no one had ever been better than Nick, it had been good sex but it hadn’t meant anything, Howie could never bring pleasure from him the way Nick did.

        He had to go home first.  Go home and clean up, shower, cleanse himself for Nick.

        Joey would be there by then.  They were calling Ashley.  He couldn’t interrupt that.

        He’d wait.  He’d drive past Nick’s house until Nick was alone.  He’d get Joey to tell him when Nick was alone.  He’d-

        “JC.”  Howie caught his hands where they were tangled in his hair, lowering them, holding on.  “It’s okay.”

        “He told me I didn’t love him, he told me I didn’t trust him, but I did, I did, so I bought a house, just for us, a special place we could share, and when it burned down I blamed him, I said it was his fault, and he was so upset, he was so hurt, I shouldn’t have blamed him, it wasn’t his fault, he’d never do that to me.  I was wrong, and it took him so long to forgive me, and now he’s finally making love to me again, and I fucked up again, I fucked up, he’s angry-”

        “JC, calm down, calm down,” Howie said, gripping his hands more tightly.  “It’ll be okay.  He’ll get over it.  It’ll be okay.  Come inside.”

        “No, I have to go, I have to clean up, I have to talk to Joey.”

        “JC,” Howie said.  “You have to calm down.  You have to be able to help me tonight with Erik.”

        “Tonight?”  Tonight.  Fuck.  Fuck.  JC closed his eyes.  Erik.  Nick was upset that he’d sucked Erik’s dick, but he’d had to, and Nick couldn’t be pissed at them for not cooperating and then be pissed at him for doing what had to be done.  He couldn’t win, he couldn’t fucking win, what was he supposed to do?

        Howie kissed him.  “It’ll be okay.”

        JC opened his eyes.  “He’s so upset…  I can tell, I know him, he’s upset with me.”

        “Nick will get over it,” Howie said.  “If he cares about you, he’ll forgive you.”

        JC pulled one hand free, looking down the driveway, running his hand through his hair.  “I love Nick.  I can’t lose him again.”

        “It’s okay,” Howie said, giving his other hand a warm squeeze.  “I’ll talk to him for you.”

        Inside, instead of walking out the front door, AJ walked farther into the house.  He found Justin sitting just beside the doorway to the kitchen, on the floor with his knees drawn up, arms crossed protectively over the back of his bent head.  Curious, AJ peeked into the kitchen.

        Kevin was leaning back against the countertop, legs spread slightly, jeans open, one hand on the back of Chris’s head.  Chris was kneeling at Kevin’s feet, feeding himself Kevin’s dick with both hands.

        AJ had to give it to him; Kevin was damned good.  Chris was upset that Brian wouldn’t let him be Brian’s whore?  Then Chris could be Kevin’s whore instead.  Not bad.

        Kevin caught AJ watching, and gave him a private smile.  Then he moaned Chris’s name, canting his hips forward, stroking behind Chris’s ear.  Chris moaned in response, picking up speed.

        AJ shook his head, grinning to himself, stepping out of the doorway and crouching down beside Justin.  “It doesn’t mean anything,” he said, keeping his voice low.

        “Did I mean anything?” Justin asked, raising his head.  He looked like hell.  “Have I ever meant anything, to anyone?  If everything I’ve done for him and everything I feel for him is worth nothing, in the end, then is everything nothing?  He’s right, I’m worthless, he knew it all along, he told me, I tried not to believe him but-”

        “Whoa,” AJ said.  Damn, Justin was broken like a twig snapped in half.  “Maybe we shouldn’t do this right here.”

        Kevin groaned, “Ooohhh, aammnn, Chris…”

        “It’s not his fault,” Justin whispered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut.  “It’s not his fault, it’s not his fault.”

        Interesting.  “You think Chris doesn’t want to be swallowing Kevin’s dick?” AJ asked.  “He’d have it up his ass right now if he could.”

        Hatred flashed glaringly bright in Justin’s eyes.  “That fucker!”  He squeezed his eyes shut again, whispering, “Not his fault, it’s not his fault, it’s not his fault…”

        AJ was fascinated.  Justin loved Chris so much, and valued Chris’s friendship so highly, that he’d cling to any excuse to keep his hatred at bay.  And Justin was right, it wasn’t really Chris’s fault, it was Brian’s fault, and Kevin’s fault; Chris was a puppet.  Chris’s strings were very much attached, just like Justin’s were, and Kevin was pulling them as hard and as often as he could.

        AJ was a puppeteer, too.  He was a little rusty, but he knew the tricks.  Hearing Kevin groan again, he put his hand on the back of Justin’s bent head, rubbing gently.  “Kevin’s just using Chris the way he used you.  Chris doesn’t mean anything to him, you don’t mean anything to him, there was no way you ever could.  He never respected you.  People he doesn’t respect are like trash at his feet, they’re garbage.”

        Justin raised his head, knocking AJ’s arm aside.  “Why the hell are you telling me this?” he demanded.

        AJ shrugged.  “So you’ll get off the floor and get over him.  Why waste all of this emotion on someone who hates you?  And if you want him to like you, it’ll never happen like this.”

        “If I want him to respect me, I’m going to lose him first,” Justin said.

        AJ gave him a “what the fuck, you idiot” look.  “You’ve already lost him.  There isn’t anything else to lose.”

        Justin sort of stared at him, mouth open.

        AJ rolled his eyes, getting up.  “Let’s go.  Come on.  Sitting here crying over shit you can’t do anything about isn’t going to fix anything.”

        Justin pushed himself up, wiping vaguely at his face.

        Kevin moaned, low and satisfied, and then again, and then again.  Justin shuddered, pleasure and denial crossing his features.  AJ put a hand on his arm; Justin flinched back, protesting, “I can’t, I can’t.”

        “Can’t what?” AJ asked, hearing the low murmur of Kevin’s voice from the kitchen.

        “Not until he goes,” Justin said.  “Not while he’s still here.”

        Justin wasn’t going to leave until Kevin was gone.  “You think that’s going to gain his respect?” AJ asked.

        The steady murmur of Kevin’s voice; Chris said, “Yeah, okay.”  Movement, and then Kevin was exiting the kitchen, and Justin reached out for him, “Kevin,” but Kevin kept going as though Justin weren’t even there.

        A second later, right behind him, came Chris.  His mouth was red, and guilt struck him visibly the moment he saw Justin.  “I-”

        “Chris,” Kevin said firmly, just out of sight.

        “I’m sorry,” Chris said.  “Justin, I didn’t mean to-”

        “Chris!”

        “I’m sorry,” Chris said, and hurried after Kevin.  How could he have done that, how could he have forgotten?  What kind of friend was he?  Was he even a friend at all?  He shouldn’t have done that, he should have remembered, but he hadn’t been thinking, he’d been consumed by Brian again, and Kevin had been there, Kevin with those cheekbones, Kevin whose very DNA was linked to Brian’s.

        And now Chris had Kevin’s jism dripping down his throat, the taste of it in his mouth; it was inside him now, and Kevin’s cum wasn’t Brian’s, but it was as close as Chris could get.

        He followed Kevin to Lance’s front door, licking his lips, checking his pockets for his keys.  He couldn’t do this again.  No more sexual acts with Kevin, because he was doing to Justin what Lance was doing to him, and he knew exactly how that felt.  He didn’t want to stab white-hot pokers straight through Justin’s gut, and he didn’t want Justin to fantasize about choking him to death.  Not good for their friendship.

        He hesitated by the door.  Brian might still be here, and-

        “He’s gone,” Kevin said.

        Chris didn’t budge.  “Are you sure?  He-”  Kevin grabbed Chris’s hand and dragged him out of the house.  “No, wait, I-”  The door closed.

        AJ turned to Justin.  “Now can we go?”

        “I forgot to tell you,” Justin said, as though his brain were beginning to function again now that Kevin was gone.  “I’m going to New York.  It’s just for a couple of interviews.  I’m supposed to break up with you, and then go to New York to get away from you and give us both some breathing room.  I’m taking Dan with me for moral support.”

        AJ narrowed his eyes.  “Do you really have to go to New York?”

        “Yeah, I do,” Justin admitted.  “I forgot it was so soon, and I meant to tell you.  But we’re supposed to be breaking up anyway, so this will give me some good time away with Dan.  As soon as I get back, you can jump on him.”

        “Okay,” AJ said.  “You’re leaving tomorrow?”

        “Tonight,” Justin said.  “You can call me a few times to harass me.”

        “Don’t do anything stupid,” AJ said.  “Make sure he fucks you.”

        “Trust me, I can take care of that part,” Justin said.

        “You haven’t come close yet,” AJ said.

        “I kissed him today,” Justin argued.

        “For how long?”

        Justin sighed, admitting defeat.  “About half a second, before he pushed me off of him.  He didn’t even act like it was a big deal.”

        “What?” AJ asked, grinning.  “I thought everybody was hot for you.  I thought you could have anyone you wanted.  I thought you had everyone in the civilized world after your ass.”

        “He does,” Joey said.  “Everyone who’s ever met Justin wants him.”

        “Except Dan,” AJ said.  “We’ve thrown Justin’s naked body right on top of him, and he’s only concerned with protecting Justin’s ass, not fucking it.”

        “At least some people aren’t obsessed with sex,” Justin said.

        “I’m not obsessed with it,” AJ said, with a wicked grin.  “Just better at it than everyone else is.”

        “I’m going to say it again,” Justin said.  “You’re terrible.”

        “That’s because I’m not trying to make it good for you,” AJ said.  “I’m just trying to get it over with.  Now, Joseph, on the other hand…”  AJ skimmed his hand up Joey’s arm, then down Joey’s chest, turning his body against Joey’s, chest to chest, wetting his lips, putting a slow burn into his eyes.  “I like to make it good for Joey, because Joey makes it good for me.”

        Joey’s arm came around his waist, an automatic response.  AJ lifted his chin, daring, and Joey licked the stud in his lower lip.  AJ grinned, chuckling, and rewarded Joey with a slow, lewd kiss.

        “That’s disgusting,” Justin said.

        AJ broke the kiss with one last lick.  “I have to go conspire with Justin,” he told Joey.  “Maybe while Dan’s out of town, you and I can spend some time together.”

        “Make sure you get your place fumigated afterward,” Justin told Joey.

        “Call me,” Joey told AJ, lust written all over his face.

        AJ kissed him, then twisted free.  “Come on,” AJ said to Justin, “let’s go see if we can come up with a way to get Dan to want you.  Maybe a little drag.”

        Joey watched AJ and Justin leave, the two of them bickering the whole way out the door.  He sighed, back in that familiar place of wanting AJ so badly he could still taste AJ on his tongue, but not knowing when that promise would be fulfilled.  Well, “Time go to call Ashley,” he told Lance.  “Talk to you later.”

        Lance, alone, looked around in a blend of anger, frustration, disgust, and confusion.  They’d accomplished nothing.  Nothing at all.  They’d barely even had the meeting; the entire situation had whirled out of control.  Was that JC’s fault, or his, or everyone’s?

        Maybe it would have gone better if JC had been on time, and hadn’t shown up practically wearing a “Howie fucked me” sign.  It couldn’t have been more obvious if it had been stamped on his forehead.  JC couldn’t hold a meeting to complain about being used for sex against his will, if he showed up seconds after getting laid.  The only clearly arguable issue left had been AJ and Justin, and Justin hadn’t even tried to cooperate with them, leaving them looking like fools.

        Lance was tired of being made a fool of, tired of being manipulated, tired of being exposed.  So he had handcuffs; who didn’t?  JC did, too; so did Joey.  So did Justin, from what AJ had said.  And a rimming fetish, he didn’t have a fucking fetish, he was just into it.  He liked it, he liked doing it, he liked the way Howie reacted.  But no one had brought that up, no one had talked about Howie’s sexual proclivities, or Nick’s, or AJ’s, or Brian’s, or Kevin’s.  And if Justin was that sexually deviant, who the hell did they think had made him that way?  Lance would have loved to have thrown open the doors of Kevin’s sexual closet and shone a bright light on all of the damning treasures hidden in there.

        He hated the inequality, hated the double standards, hated being made fun of, hated seeing JC with Howie.  Hated JC for being with Howie.  Howie didn’t even want JC, but at least JC was getting to be with Howie.  Lance wasn’t even getting that much.

        Howie hadn’t spoken to him, hadn’t looked at him; it had been like they didn’t know each other, meant nothing to each other.  At least Brian had directly addressed him, touched him, even kissed him on the way out.

        He still didn’t completely buy everything Brian was selling, but at least he got something from Brian.  Howie didn’t give him anything.  If the situation were any different, he’d weigh those facts, and drop Howie, and turn to Brian.  But it was Howie’s name that he cried out when he masturbated, it was Howie’s body he wanted to be driving into, it was Howie who heated his dreams.  He wanted to make love to Howie, adore Howie, worship Howie.  Wanted it badly.

        All he needed was a sign that Howie was remotely interested in receiving his tribute.

        Ashley, sitting on his bed with Trevor, turned his phone in his hands.  “Now I don’t know what to do.  I love Joey, and I want to make him happy, and I don’t want him to think I’m not on his level.  But what if he asks me to be with Nick again?”

        Trevor couldn’t believe that anyone given the chance to have sex with a Backstreet Boy would say no.  He was trying, however, to be a good friend, and let Ashley make his own decisions.  “Do you want to have sex with Nick again?”

        “Yes,” Ashley said.  “No.  I don’t know!  Yes, I do, it was unbelievable, it was the best sex I’ve ever had, it was the kind of sex no one ever actually has but all guys say they’re capable of.  I thought he’d be good, but I kind of thought he was all attitude and no follow-through.  That was major follow-through, that was…”

        “Then what’s the problem?” Trevor asked, to get Ashley to talk it out.

        Ashley shook his head, dropping his voice.  “I don’t know.  I love Joey.  I don’t want him to think I want Nick more than I want him.  I don’t want him to think I’ll do just anybody like that.  I’ve never been with a guy before, I’ve never had sex that way before, and all of a sudden I was in bed with Joey’s boyfriend.  I don’t want to look…I don’t know, like a male slut or something.”

        “So tell Joey that you don’t want to be with Nick again,” Trevor said.  “You love him, you only want to be with him.  You’ve done it, you’ve already proven yourself, if that’s what he’s worried about.”

        “Yeah,” Ashley said, toying with his phone.  “Okay.”

        “What’s the problem?” Trevor asked.  How could anyone who’d been fucked by Nick Carter be having problems?  Trevor couldn’t believe this.  Erik was getting serious, serious action from JC and Howie, and Ashley was getting extremely serious action from Joey and Nick.  He’d been excited about kissing Chris, but now he was way behind.  Not to downplay his Kevin experiences, because, damn.  But still.  He was so jealous he couldn’t see straight.

        “I want Nick,” Ashley said.  He met Trevor’s eyes and started to blush very red.  “I mean, I want him.  I do want him more than I want Joey, I want him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone.  I’m not in love with him, I’m not even sure I like him, but my body wants Nick more than it wants food.  It’s like my body’s having cravings.  I can still feel him, or I can still remember the way everything felt, and…  I don’t know, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know why I’m feeling like this.  Last night was my first time, I didn’t even know what I was doing.  He’s probably not even that good, and I just don’t know any better.”

        “He’s very sexual,” Trevor said.  “He’s very good at giving the right look, the right attitude, the right vibe, the right pose.”

        “He’s so fucking hot, I get hard just looking at him,” Ashley said.  “Even before we ever had sex, when he came over here to yell at me, when I saw him in the club, I thought I was going to come in my pants.  When he was making love to me, every touch was just right, he made me feel things I’ve never felt, his mouth was…  The way he…  And his dick…  How can I want someone this much and be in love with someone else?”

        “You still want Joey,” Trevor said.

        “Of course I want Joey,” Ashley said.  “I just want Nick, too.”

        “You can ignore Nick and stick with Joey,” Trevor said.  “You can try to stay with Joey and see if he’ll lend you out to Nick.  You can try to get Joey away from Nick and ditch him altogether.  You can let them stay together and see if they’ll share you.  You can drop Joey entirely and go chasing after Nick.”

        “I can’t drop Joey,” Ashley said.  “I’ll stick with my first goal, and try to have him for myself.  Nick’s going to have to learn to back off.”

        “He knows you’re trying to take Joey from him,” Trevor said.  “He won’t just let that happen.”

        “I can’t give in to Nick just because I had great sex,” Ashley said.  “Joey deserves better than Nick, and I can be that for him.”

        “You might be getting involved in more than you’re ready for,” Trevor said.  “It sounds like they have a pretty solid, complex relationship.”

        “It’s not solid, it’s falling apart,” Ashley said.  “I just have to keep Joey happy, and prove to him that I’m better for him than Nick is.”

        “Joey’s the first guy you’ve ever been with,” Trevor argued.  “Maybe that shouldn’t lead to a full relationship.  Maybe you should give it some time.  Nick and Joey are both moving really fast.”

        “I can handle it,” Ashley said.  “I have to.”  His phone rang, and his bravado splintered.  He looked at Trevor with fear in his eyes, and as the phone rang again, he confessed, “I’m not ready for this.”

matthew@matthewtime.com
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