"Sucker"

Sucker

Rating: NC-17 for graphic male-male sex

Pairings: Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC/O-Town

Disclaimer: The young men who comprise the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, and O-Town are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.

Continued from part ten...

Brian had never been in a more self-impressed hole-in-the-wall in his life. He could see why Jacob liked being there; it was perfect for him.

Rummaging through the bins of sheet music, Brian made appropriately impressed comments about the sheer number of songs by people he’d never heard of. Jacob decided to show him the breakthrough chord structures in a song by a group called Playground Ape. He stood beside Jacob, leaning in close, making inspired sounds, resting his hand on Jacob’s back. The transitions were completely cookie-cutter, and whoever had written the lyrics deserved to be shot, but when Brian briefly dragged his nails across Jacob’s back under the guise of absentmindedly lifting his hand, Jacob shivered a little.

The fact that Jacob insisted on wearing bargain bin previously owned T-shirts actually helped Brian’s cause, because the material was worn thinner than usual, which made Jacob more susceptible to Brian’s touch. Brian liked it when people were susceptible to him.

Jacob was supposed to be straight, but Brian could spot repressed sexuality from miles away. Jacob wanted to be with men, but he was probably so used to denying his desires, he didn’t even think of men as an option anymore. Brian was going to make sure that changed. And Lance was going to help him.

Erik reached for the phone. “Townhouse, Erik speaking.”

“Erik-Michael. How are you?”

Howie. Erik’s internal organs started to curl in on themselves. He had weird but strong feelings for Howie. He wanted Howie to like him, wanted Howie to want him. He was a little in awe of Howie; Howie had everything, Howie was on a whole other plane of existence. And he wanted Howie, damn he wanted Howie. He’d sucked the guy’s fucking dick. That had definitely been weird, and a little scary, and he wasn’t sure how he really felt about it. But he kind of wanted to do it again, make it better, get Howie to think he was good at it. “I’m fine,” he remembered to say, rubbing his dick a little through his shorts, for the hell of it. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Howie said. “I was thinking about you, so I thought I’d call and say hi. I can’t talk long, but maybe we can get together tomorrow. Why don’t you come over?”

He wished it could be sooner. “What time?”

“How’s ten?” Howie asked. “If you don’t have anything else planned, maybe we can spend the day together.”

Spend the day together? He was getting laid. “Sure,” he said. “That sounds great. I’ll come over at ten.”

“Great,” Howie said. “All right, I have to go. Good-bye, Erik-Michael.”

“Bye,” he said. He was definitely getting laid.

Dan called Stephie, who gave him Tina’s number; and called Tina, who gave him the exact location of AJ’s house in frightening detail.

He drove right over and rang AJ’s doorbell. He was frustrated, and he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t have a whole lot of options, but maybe if he talked to AJ, he’d figure out some of what the hell was going on between AJ and Justin.

AJ opened the door. “You have one sentence to tell me why I shouldn’t have your ass hauled off of my property.”

“I want to talk to you about Justin,” Dan said. “If you care about him the way you’ve said you do, you’ll listen to me.”

AJ crossed his arms over his chest, leaning one shoulder against the doorjamb. “What makes you think you have anything to say that I need to hear? I think your problem is, you want Justin. That’s okay. Everybody wants Justin. But, the thing is, not everybody has Justin. I have Justin.” AJ straightened. “I have him, and I’m going to keep him. You can talk with him, you can spend time with him, I’m okay with that. Justin can keep his own little friends. But you can’t touch him. He’s mine. The sooner you accept that, the easier this’ll be on you.”

“I don’t want Justin,” Dan said. He couldn’t decide which was worse, AJ’s arrogance or AJ’s callousness or AJ’s openness about his possessive control. “He’s not yours, you don’t own him. Maybe that’s your problem, I don’t know, and I don’t care. But you can’t own another human being, and you can’t beat people up. You don’t have the right to put your hands on anyone, boyfriend or not. Justin’s amazing. I’m sure you know that, and that’s why you’re with him. But you should be celebrating that, not killing it.”

“You don’t know me,” AJ said. “You don’t know anything about me, so why don’t you stop assuming and speculating on how I feel and what I can and can’t do.”

“Why don’t you stop hitting Justin?” Dan shot back.

“Get the fuck out of my business,” AJ snapped, stepping back and beginning to close the door.

Dan braced his hands against the door, preventing AJ from closing it. He had to say it, had to ask it, couldn’t prevent the words from coming in an outraged burst. “What do you think gives you the right to hit him?”

“What do you think gives you the right to ask me about my personal business?” AJ demanded.

“You’re hurting Justin! He’s in danger!”

AJ made a disgusted noise. “Look, white bread, this is none of your business, but if it’ll get you the fuck out of my face, I’ll tell you. I don’t hit Justin anymore. We talked last night, we worked things out, it’s a whole new relationship. Okay? I’m not going to hit him again.”

That was a classic bullshit lie. “I don’t believe you,” Dan said. “Maybe you talked, maybe you worked things out, but I don’t believe that you’re not going to hit him. You might wait a few days, a few weeks, but you’re going to start hitting him again, and that’s why he’s going to end up leaving you.” Even if by some miracle AJ did reform, nothing he could do in the future could make up for everything he’d already done.

“Justin’s not going to leave me. He’s in love with me. We’re too good together. You should see the way he moves on my dick. You don’t stand a chance.”

AJ was so fucking crude, Dan was disgusted. Didn’t he see that Justin was a human being, not an object, not a toy? “I don’t want him for myself,” Dan said. “I only want to help him.”

“Help yourself and stay out of my business,” AJ said. “Now fuck off.”

“You can’t-” The door slammed shut in Dan’s face. Damn it.

Chris drummed his fingers on Trevor’s stomach. He didn’t know why he liked lying around touching Trevor all of the time, but he did. It was nice. Trevor didn’t mind being fidgeted on, either.

Trevor kept trying to ask him about Kevin, but he kept evading Trevor’s questions. He let enough vague information slip to be indirectly encouraging, so Trevor would think he’d get more information eventually.

Last night with Kevin had been good. He could definitely do that again. Talking with Trevor was nice; he liked touching Trevor. But he kept flashing back to Brian’s bathroom, Brian’s tears, Brian’s pain.

If he could just be with Brian again…

Joey kissed Ashley tenderly. “Thank you, pretty.”

“Thank you, Joey,” Ashley murmured, kissing him again.

Joey trailed his fingertips across Ashley’s mouth. “My pretty girl.”

Ashley smiled at him, resigned to the term. “When can I see you again?”

“I have to talk to Nick,” Joey said. “I’ll call you.” Ashley’s mouth was the perfect blend of generosity and greed. “Bye, Ashley.”

“Bye,” Ashley whispered, kissing him again. He squeezed Ashley’s ass, then stepped back. Ashley gave him a smile, needy but trying to hide it, and left.

Joey stretched. Ashley was a good, satisfying fuck. Even when his ass was sore, his mouth worked. Joey liked that about him.

Now that Ashley was gone, it was time to call Nick. Joey sighed. At least if he did it right away, he could get it over with and spend the rest of his day doing something that he actually enjoyed.

He dialed Nick’s number.

“Hello.”

“It’s Joey,” Joey said. “Ashley’s gone.”

“What happened after I left?” Nick asked.

“I fucked him,” Joey said. “I told him I’ll call him later, but I have to talk to you first.”

“Yeah,” Nick said. “Come over to my place tomorrow.”

“Okay.” They’d worked out several scenarios based on how Ashley might respond to the scene they’d staged that morning. Tomorrow could be interesting.

Justin looked in the mirror. His face was bruised, but his eyes were a little more confident. More alive. Not scared and cowed. He’d taken a stand with AJ.

He wanted Kevin to see him like this, to see him taking control of his life again. When he was with Kevin, he was desperate and confused and self-loathing.

Kevin hated him. Had hated him before ever seducing him, hated him now. But of course Kevin hated him now. Kevin kept seeing him while he was sniveling and pathetic. Kevin would never respect anyone like that.

Kevin respected people who stood up for what they believed in, and for themselves. If he ever wanted to gain Kevin’s respect, he was going to have to stand up for himself with Kevin. But if he stood up for himself, he’d lose Kevin.

To get Kevin’s respect, he’d have to lose Kevin.

He wasn’t willing to do that. He couldn’t do it. He’d already lost Kevin once. Sure, after losing Kevin he’d begun to find himself again, but was it worth it? Losing Kevin, that intense pain, his sense of loss, not knowing where Kevin was, what Kevin was doing, or how he could ever get Kevin back again. He couldn’t go through it again, he couldn’t lose Kevin.

What could he do to keep Kevin this time? Obey Kevin? Please Kevin?

He’d already disobeyed. He’d defied AJ.

Was it possible to please Kevin? To keep Kevin satisfied?

He had to try.

Had to.

He couldn’t lose Kevin again.

Lance had just gotten home and was about to invite JC out for dinner when his doorbell rang. He checked; it was Brian. His guard up, Lance opened the door. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Brian said. “You mind if I come in?”

They were partners in this scheme, and they had work to do. “Come in,” Lance said, granting him entry. “How’s Jacob?”

“Self-centered and self-righteous,” Brian said. “We spent all day together, from breakfast on. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to get away. He makes my scalp itch.” Brian made a face, scratching his head. “How are you?”

The question caught Lance off-guard. It took him a second to respond. “Fine,” he said.

“That’s good.” Brian’s eyes grew warmer. “I’m sorry we couldn’t talk more yesterday. It seemed like I was upsetting Chris, so I thought it would be best if I left. But I felt like I never got a real chance to explain to you how I really feel.”

“How you feel about what?” Lance asked.

“About you,” Brian said.

Lance couldn’t believe Brian was bringing that up. Brian couldn’t expect him to believe it! Did he have “gullible idiot” scrawled across his forehead? “If you want to talk about Jacob, and strategize some more, that’s fine. But if you’re here to talk about something else, I’m about to have dinner, so maybe-”

“You really don’t believe me,” Brian said with soft, pained incredulity. “I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me, but I always hoped that if I could explain it, you’d understand. I know why you don’t believe, I understand that. I hurt your best friend, Howie betrayed you, you think I’ll do the same thing. But Howie never cared about you, I know you see that.”

“My relationship with Howie is private,” Lance said.

“Relationship?” Brian repeated. “Lance, do you really think that letting him use you for sex is going to lead to a real relationship?” Lance opened his mouth to speak, but Brian pressed on. “Is he telling you that he wants something deeper with you?”

Deeper? Howie was all surface. There had been more emotion in Brian’s eyes and voice in the last few minutes than Howie had given Lance since meeting back up again. Howie didn’t even give as much emotion during sex as he’d used to. His physical pleasure was evident, but any richer, emotional interest in sex was gone. Howie had used to make sex a complete, moving experience. Lance missed that.

“You don’t have to trust me today,” Brian said. “Please, Lance, give me a chance. Let me stay for dinner. We can talk about Jacob, we can talk about anything you want to talk about. I have so much to learn about you…”

He didn’t want to have dinner with Brian. Brian was lying to him, trying to make a fool of him, and he wasn’t going to participate in that. Especially not voluntarily.

He couldn’t help but remember overhearing Brian in Howie’s house. That conversation had to have been real; it couldn’t have been staged for his benefit. He was supposed to have been behind a closed door, in Howie’s bed, with no reason to hear anything. There had been honest emotion in Brian’s voice. Longing, regret, confusion, a slight edge of bitterness.

Why was Howie all glossy veneer, polished surface, when Brian was rich with emotion? Why couldn’t Howie show him any depth? After all that he and Howie had been through, everything that had happened between them, it was insane that Lance knew Howie least of all.

“I’ve spent all day with Jacob,” Brian said. “We talked about band politics, again, and he took me to his favorite little music store, and when I finally got rid of him I had to touch his hideous, horrible hair. Please, give me a break.”

That did sound terrible. “Okay,” Lance said. They had to work together; he could pretend to get along. “We can order in something.”

“Order in?” Brian repeated. “I can cook.”

That had been the last thing Lance was expecting. “Cook?”

“Sure,” Brian said. “What do you have in your fridge?”

Sitting on his sofa, JC looked at the phone on the coffee table, willing it to ring against all odds.

JC needed Nick. He missed Nick. He wanted to talk to Nick about Howie. He wanted to give his body to Nick, to make love until he couldn’t remember Erik’s dick in his mouth, couldn’t recall Howie’s hands on his body, Howie’s tongue in his mouth, Howie’s dick up his ass.

“You know we can’t see each other anymore.”

But he couldn’t go to visit Nick. Couldn’t go to Nick’s house. He had to suffer through this, all of it, without Nick.

“Someone’s going to find out, and it’ll fuck up everything. I told you, after this is over, we can hook back up.”

He’d make it. He’d be fine. He could handle Howie. He could certainly handle Erik. And then, when it was all finished, when he’d triumphed, he could go to Nick. And Nick would make love to him. And he’d be whole again, completely alive again, happy again in a way he could never be without Nick.

“You can’t come here again. You can’t even call me.”

It hurt. He’d pretended that it didn’t, that he was fine, that he felt friendly towards Nick and was willing to have sex with Nick again, that it went no deeper. But it went deeper than that, much deeper, as deep as the ocean. He was in love with Nick, in a way that made him feel that his very existence was dependent on Nick. Nick was everything to him, in a way he wanted to deny. Having to turn away from Nick in and of itself was very painful; but having to turn away from Nick to be in this unbearable situation of playing boyfriends with Howie and Erik, that was excruciating.

“Bye, baby.”

Dilemma. Justin couldn’t show up on Kevin’s doorstep unannounced. Trevor might be there. But he couldn’t call first, because Kevin never answered his calls. That meant he had to show up unannounced. Kevin wouldn’t like it, but if he didn’t at least try, who knew when he’d get to see Kevin?

So he went. He drove over to Kevin’s house. He didn’t see any extra cars, so he rang the bell.

When the door opened, he felt his stomach twist into tight knots.

Kevin’s expression was hard. He said nothing.

Justin didn’t know why, but he felt the need to reveal himself, to strip before Kevin’s gaze. Moving without thinking, he raised his hands, pushing back his hood, taking off his cap, removing his sunglasses.

Something flickered through Kevin’s eyes. “Come inside.”

The exhilaration of quiet joy spun upwards through Justin’s body as he stepped into Kevin’s house. Kevin closed the door behind him, then turned to him, standing close. Kevin touched his face, soft caresses light as a feather, and Justin gazed into Kevin’s eyes, vaguely remembering that yes, he was bruised.

Kevin’s thumb whispered along his jaw, then pressed. Justin winced with pain, and Kevin dropped his hand. “What did you do to deserve this?”

Deserve it. Of course Kevin thought that he deserved it. “I was mad at AJ for taking over my life. He had keys to my house, and I wanted them back. He wouldn’t give them to me, so I tried to take them, and he hit me. I hit him back, we started fighting, he won.”

“You defied me,” Kevin said, his voice quiet and deadly calm.

“He was out of control, he was out of line, he was taking over - - he has no class! He fucks me like I’m some nobody he picked up in a sleazy bar!”

“You are nobody,” Kevin said. “AJ can do whatever he wants with you.”

“He’s not you,” Justin said urgently. “He can’t even handle me. I hit him, I threw away everything he left in my house, and do you know what he did? He gave in. He stopped trying to control me. You would have tightened the leash and ground me into the dirt!”

Kevin smiled.

That smile sent disturbed chills down Justin’s spine. Somehow, that made Justin need Kevin even more. “I want you to take me back. I’ll do anything you want, I’ll do whatever you ask. I can learn to please you. I can learn to obey.”

“Why would I want you back?” Kevin asked. “You’re a lot of trouble, and you’re not worth it.”

“I love you,” Justin said, because it was earnest, important truth. “I love you more than anyone else ever has. I’ll do anything for you. Please. Give me a chance. I can’t lose you again, it’ll kill me.”

Kevin studied him.

“Please,” Justin said. He’d rather love Kevin than love himself.

“One chance,” Kevin said. “I’ll fuck you. If you’re any good, I’ll think about keeping you around.”

Yes! Justin kissed Kevin, celebrating inside, wrapping his arms around Kevin’s shoulders, pressing himself against Kevin’s hard, muscular body. He was being given a chance. The perfect chance. He was good at sex, he could make this great, he was going to be Kevin’s again.

Lance had to get this straight. He put his fork down, giving Brian his full attention. “Jacob thinks he’s a better singer than we are?”

“He specifically said ‘anyone in *NSYNC,’” Brian said. “I think he wanted to mention us, too, but he had enough sense not to mouth off about the other fellas to my face. God, he makes my scalp itch.”

“What else did he say?” Lance asked.

“He said that you, Joey, and Chris never get to sing because you don’t know how, Justin whines all of the time and doesn’t know he only has a two-note range, and JC should stop trying to show off.”

“Show off?” Lance repeated. He didn’t know how to sing? He didn’t know how to sing?! That little fucker! “Jacob has the most nasal whine I’ve ever heard on a recorded album, and he has the most limited range of - - that fucking asshole!”

“For someone who hates you all so much, he talks about you a lot,” Brian said. “I spent all day with him, I have to see him again tomorrow, let’s talk about something else. What did you do today?”

Love, Kevin was making love to him, and Justin was so intensely overjoyed by it that he was already working towards his second orgasm. They were making love, Kevin was being good to him, he was working hard to prove himself. He’d been allowed to suck on Kevin’s erection until his jaw ached, been allowed to fuck into Kevin with his tongue, been allowed to come inside Kevin’s mouth. Now Kevin was in him, thrusting with long, steady strokes, making him burn from the inside out. He had his hands behind his head on Kevin’s instruction; sometimes Kevin liked to be touched, sometimes not.

He’d knotted his fingers together, his arms aching with the strain of not touching Kevin. God, if only, he moaned in desperation, wanting to put his hands on Kevin’s broad shoulders, Kevin’s strong back, to feel the taut, smooth skin, the shift and clench of muscle. He was denied access to Kevin all of the time, constantly, always, but now that he was finally here, under Kevin’s body, in Kevin’s bed, with his hands remembering the feel of Kevin’s flesh, his fingers tingling with it-

Kevin stopped moving, glaring down at him, pulsing deep inside. Justin shuddered, needing, confused.

“Hold your breath.”

Justin blinked with surprise. “What?”

Kevin’s eyes narrowed; his tone threatened. “Are you questioning me?”

Justin rushed to make amends. “No, no-”

“I can’t deal with your incessant noise,” Kevin snapped. “Hold your breath and shut up.”

Justin swallowed nervously, sucked in air, and did as instructed.

Kevin pulled out of him, then plunged in, did it again, again, harder, deeper, faster, making Justin’s body shred itself with pleasure. Kevin started to moan, started to groan in shockingly rich tones, his voice saturated with pleasure, low and vibrating with satisfaction. Justin wanted to touch him, had to touch him, had to moan back, couldn’t stand it. He’d never heard Kevin sound like this. He wanted to respond, wanted to release his pleasure in heartfelt moans the way Kevin was. He couldn’t possibly hold it in, had to voice the ecstasy flashing hot and wild through his body. He needed to touch, needed to moan, needed to breathe.

Air, he needed air, he couldn’t take this, he couldn’t hold this back anymore, he had to let go.

Kevin moaned again, fucking into him harder, faster, Kevin’s thrusts and Kevin’s groans shaking him down to his toes. Justin’s lungs were burning, his hands were cramping, his voice was pushing up the back of his throat into his mouth. He tried to hold it in, promising himself that he could make it until he came, he could hold back until Kevin came, it wouldn’t be much longer, he was so close, so close, close, close. He could make it, he could make it, he could-

Justin exploded in one burning gulp, frantically sucking oxygen into his lungs, gasping, choking, coming. He cried out, calling Kevin’s name, twisting violently in Kevin’s arms, spurting warm white cum up his chest, panting rapidly.

Oh, god. Pant, pant. Oh, god. Pant. Oh, god. That had been-

Oh, god! Justin sat up, pulling his hands from behind his head, as Kevin got off of him. His fingers hurt, but he didn’t care; Kevin was getting up. “Kevin-”

Kevin grabbed him, snatching him up from the bed and hurling him to the floor. Justin fell back against the closet door, staring up at Kevin in horror. “I-”

“Get out of my house,” Kevin spat at him. “You’re a worthless, useless, pathetic bitch, and I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said, scrambling to his feet. “Kevin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, please don’t-”

Kevin threw his clothes at him. “Get out!”

“Please, I’m sorry,” Justin begged. Kevin grabbed his upper arm and began to drag him down the hall; Justin hustled along, trying to keep up and hold onto his clothes and plead his case. “Please don’t make me leave, I didn’t mean to disobey you, I can learn, I can learn.”

Nearing the foyer, Kevin jerked Justin against his naked chest, snarling into his face. “This was a waste of my time. You’re a waste of my time. You’ll never be good enough. Not for me. Not for anyone.” He shoved Justin away. “Now get out of my house.”

Justin fumbled his way into his pants, knowing that Kevin was serious, that he was about to be thrown out of the house. But he couldn’t just leave! “Kevin-”

“Get! Out!” Kevin roared.

Shaken, Justin clutched the rest of his clothes to his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I can do better, I promise, I-”

Kevin yanked the door open, grabbing Justin by the arm again and shoving him out through the doorway. “Out!”

Justin stumbled outside, tripping backwards, almost falling. The door slammed between him and Kevin.

In shock, faltering, Justin stepped to the side, to the semi-privacy and shade of the huge flowering bushes by the door. He pulled on his T-shirt, then realized he had no socks and only one shoe. He’d dropped, scattered, and forgotten his other shoe, his socks, his other shirt, his sweatshirt and hat and sunglasses. Moving blindly, on automatic, he put his sneaker on. It needed to be relaced. He knelt down to take care of that, then folded his arms over the back of his head, curling in on himself, weeping.

Kevin had given him a chance. One chance, his chance, and he’d blown it. He’d been close, so close, how could he have done this to himself? He’d ruined everything, he was weak, he was stupid, he was thoughtless, he was self-centered.

Kevin hadn’t even come, Kevin had still been hard. It was the final indignity. He wasn’t even good at getting Kevin off anymore. That was it. He was fully, completely worthless. He was useless. Why would Kevin want him now? The only thing he’d been any good for had been sex, and he couldn’t even do that right anymore.

Kevin would never speak to him again.

He was worthless. He wasn’t even a cunt anymore, because he couldn’t be used for sex. He was no one. He was nothing.

His heart was broken.

His spirit was broken.

His will was broken.

He was broken. Crushed. Snapped in half, mind, body, and soul.

He’d destroyed his final chance. His life was over. He lived for Kevin, and Kevin was never, ever going to love him. He finally understood that. He finally believed it.

Justin wept.

Lance walked Brian to the door. “Good luck with Jacob tomorrow.”

“I’ll need it,” Brian said. “He wants to go to a show tomorrow night. Some hellhole of a club that he says is the only place in town that has real music.”

Lance hated Jacob so much he couldn’t even formulate a response to that. “Thanks for dinner.”

“You’re welcome,” Brian said with a warm smile. “Any time.” He hesitated, and his gaze drifted down a little, pausing on Lance’s mouth.

“I thought you didn’t kiss guys,” Lance reminded him.

“I made that up,” Brian said. “I didn’t trust myself to kiss you without giving myself away.” He met Lance’s eyes again. “But you’re not going to let me kiss you, are you?”

“No, I’m not,” Lance said.

Brian’s smile was deliberately endearing. “How about a hug?”

Lance rolled his eyes and briefly hugged Brian.

“See?” Brian asked. “That wasn’t too bad.” He surprised Lance with a small kiss on the cheek. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” he said, and let himself out.

Lance didn’t know what to think about Brian. He’d have to wait and gather more evidence.

When JC got home, he checked his voicemail. One message from Joey, one message from Kim, one message from Howie.

“Hi, JC,” Howie said warmly. “I’m sorry I missed you. Erik’s going to come over here at ten tomorrow morning. I’d love for you to be here with us. I hope you can come over early.”

JC wanted to beat his phone. Preferably against Howie’s skull. Damn it!

Chris traced circles around Trevor’s navel. “You think I miss Kevin?”

“You’re still in love with him,” Trevor said.

“He is pretty good in bed,” Chris said.

“There’s a lot more to it than that,” Trevor said.

“He does this thing with his tongue, this licking thing,” Chris said.

“When he kisses?” Trevor asked.

“When he gives head,” Chris said, and watched Trevor go into shock. “Yes, Kevin has sucked my dick. Jealous?”

“I’m not, I don’t, you said he was the best you’ve ever had, but I didn’t… You never said it like that before.” Trevor visibly brought his thoughts back to focus. “But there’s more to it than sex.”

“Tell me the truth,” Chris said, hitching himself up on the bed to be face-to-face. “The fact that I’ve been with Kevin makes me seem more sexy.”

Trevor frowned a little, then shrugged and smiled. “I never thought about it that way before, but now that you brought it up, yeah. It does.”

“You’ve been kissing me without thinking about Kevin kissing me?”

“Yeah,” Trevor said, and shifted closer. “When I kiss you, I’m thinking about kissing you.” His fingers drifted back through Chris’s hair. “And how much I want you,” he murmured, leaning in, his touch firming, guiding Chris closer. “And how much I want to fuck you,” he whispered, and kissed Chris slowly, deeply, taking his mouth, owning it.

Trevor was young, and he didn’t kiss with the same professional-grade class that, say, Kevin did. But he approached kissing with casualness that spoke of his inner confidence, and his youthful, horny enthusiasm was tempered by experience. All in all, he was very good at the whole kissing thing, and when he started to feel Chris up, Chris was tempted to linger. What would it hurt?

But Kevin had said, “Try not to get too physical yet.” Kevin was the only stable thing he had in his life. Trevor was weak, Trevor was on the verge of destruction. Kevin gave him orgasms, and Kevin wanted to work with him, and Kevin was his only link to Brian. So Chris gently pushed Trevor off of him and changed the subject.

JC opened his front door and was shocked to see Justin there, looking very close to falling apart. He was disturbed by the bruises, the red-rimmed eyes, the bare foot, the generally disheveled appearance; but what shocked him most of all was the look in Justin’s eyes. Justin was barely keeping himself together, and nothing could have hidden the heartbreak in those eyes.

JC herded him inside, pulling him into an embrace. “J, what’s wrong? What happened? AJ? Kevin?”

“Can I stay here?” Justin asked. His voice was ragged and bleeding pain. “I need help.”

“Anything,” JC promised. “What can I do for you? What do you need?”

Justin finally started to hug JC back. “You have to help me, JC,” he whispered. “I don’t think I can live with myself anymore.”

“Help you with what?” JC asked, pulling away enough to look at his face. “What are you talking about, Justin? What happened?”

“I’m nobody,” Justin said. “I’m nobody, he hates me, he has no use for me, I’m worthless self-centered useless scum. He doesn’t even want me anymore, JC, I can’t even do that for him, that’s all I had.”

Alarmed by Justin’s words and by the pain in Justin’s eyes, JC caught him in another embrace. “Justin, no. Honey, none of that’s true, you can’t believe any of it. You’re amazing, Justin, everybody loves you. We all love you, I love you. You’re too smart to fall for this. Kevin doesn’t even know you, he can’t appreciate you. You’re worth much more than this.”

“Look at me, I’m fucking pathetic,” Justin said. “No wonder he doesn’t want me, no wonder-”

“That’s not true,” JC said. “You know you’re strong, you know you’re better than this.” He gently took Justin’s chin in one hand, investigating the bruising. “Did Kevin do this to you?”

“It was AJ,” Justin said. “I don’t care about that, it’ll go away, AJ’s not going to hit me again.”

JC would take care of that later. “Can we talk about Kevin? Can you tell me what he did?”

“No,” Justin said. “No, I can’t… I don’t want to…” He pulled away from JC, wrapping his arms around himself. “Not right now.”

“Then what can I do, Justin, how can I help you?”

Hugging himself tightly, Justin closed his eyes against the pain. “I don’t know, there’s nothing you can do, I don’t... I can’t... A bath, maybe if I take a bath. He thinks I’m filthy.”

“You’re not filthy,” JC said firmly. “But you can have a bath if you want one. I’ll find you something else to wear.”

“Okay,” Justin said. JC guided him to the bathroom, starting the water. He ducked into his room to find clothes for Justin, then went right back to the bathroom. He didn’t want to leave Justin alone, not while Justin was this upset. He tried to get Justin to talk, but Justin just sat curled up in the tub, mingling water and tears.

JC was going to talk to AJ and Kevin. They couldn’t get away with this. What had happened to working together? Things were getting way out of hand. It was time for a group-to-group conference. He knew Lance and Joey would agree.

His doorbell rang. He hoped it was someone who could help him with Justin. “Justin, I’ll be right back. Stay right there.” Horrible visions of Justin drowning himself flashed through JC’s mind, but Justin wasn’t that upset. Justin would never do anything like that. Still, JC’s stomach knotted uneasily as he hurried to the front door.

Opening the door, “Justin’s here,” was the first thing JC said, bringing Lance into the house. “Something happened with Kevin, he’s really upset. He’s taking a bath.”

“A bath?” Lance repeated.

“Sorry, were you here for something?” JC asked, realizing he’d run right over Lance.

“No,” Lance said. “Yes,” he corrected himself. “I talked to Howie.”

“Yeah?” JC asked, hearing his own voice turn bitter. He took a seat on the sofa. “What’d he say?”

“I got some good information,” Lance said. “He did what he did because he was angry. He was mad that you didn’t call him after Erik called you.”

“He was punishing me?” JC demanded.

“But it doesn’t have to happen again,” Lance said. “I think that if you don’t do anything else, he won’t do anything else.”

“He fucked me because he wanted to show me that he could,” JC said. “He’s playing mind games, he’s on a power trip!”

“It can stop now,” Lance said. “It doesn’t have to happen again.”

“What, as long as I follow his little rules and play nicely and suck up to him, he won’t whore me out to Erik?” JC demanded. “Forget it!”

“If you refuse to cooperate, and he gets mad again, it’s going to ruin everything,” Lance said. “You have to keep the goal in mind.”

“No! After what he did to me, I’m not going to be his little friend!”

“All you have to do is cooperate,” Lance said. “Work with him. Put this behind you.”

“He fucked me against my wishes, for his own entertainment,” JC said. “I was willing to play along, I actually liked him, and he blew it. That’s his problem, not mine.”

“Just work with him! Give him another chance!”

“Whose side are you on?! I’m not going to follow Howie around like an adoring puppy dog! Did he ask you to do this? Did he send you over here?”

“I’m here because if you’ll both calm down, things will go better,” Lance said. “As long as you’re both still angry, you’re going to get nowhere with Erik.”

“I can take care of Erik myself,” JC snapped. “I don’t need Howie, and I don’t need your unbiased opinion!”

Lance glared at him. “I’m trying to help you.”

“I don’t need your help,” JC said. “It hasn’t done me a lot of good so far. You were the one telling me not to call Erik, and that’s what got me into this shit in the first place.”

“What are you trying to accuse me of?” Lance demanded.

“Maybe you’re jealous,” JC said. “Maybe you saw Howie being a little too friendly to me lately. Maybe you didn’t like what you saw at the club.”

“Maybe you’re paranoid,” Lance snapped. “I’m not jealous of you, JC. I don’t have to be. I already know Howie wants me more than he wants you.”

“He’s been all over me! He fucked me! He’s never fucked you.”

“Howie doesn’t even want you!”

JC stared at him.

Lance stared back.

Howie didn’t want him? That wasn’t true. Those looks, those caresses, those kisses. That wasn’t fake. “You’re telling me that Howie doesn’t want me?”

“He told me that he can’t stand touching you,” Lance said.

Lie. Bullshit. JC didn’t believe it for a second. “But you think he wants you?”

“I know what he likes,” Lance said.

“Lance, if he doesn’t want me, he’d never touch you,” JC said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“I’m much more Howie’s type!” There were several other reasons, most of them relating to his physical and sexual superiority to Lance, but JC decided to hold those arguments for later.

“You’re a fucking bottom!” Lance shouted. “Howie doesn’t want a bottom! He wants a man who can give him what he needs!”

“Howie let you think he was a bottom so he could seduce you,” JC said. “He’s a serious top!”

“You don’t even know Howie!”

“You only think you know Howie!” JC shot back.

“He doesn’t want you!” Lance shouted.

“I can’t believe you’re this jealous,” JC said.

“I can’t believe you’re this egocentric,” Lance snapped. “You really can’t believe that anyone might not want you.”

“No, I just can’t believe that anyone might want you and not me,” JC said. He heard himself, heard the cruel words, the bitchy tone, and winced. Why was he acting like this? Why was he taking his frustrations out on Lance? He was in this situation because of Howie, Erik, Nick, himself, not Lance. After everything they’d been through, he was fighting with Lance over Howie?

“He can’t stand touching you,” Lance said. “Face it. Howie doesn’t want you. Now I can see why.” Lance gave him a disgusted look, then turned for the door. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Wait,” JC said. “Lance-”

“Hey, it’s you,” Chris said, standing on JC’s doorstep. “This must be where the party is. I’ve had a good little day,” he said, stepping into the house. “I spent time with Trevor, I set him up for Kevin with style and grace, and last night - - okay, last night sucked, what with the whole, there was a bathroom, it was, never mind, but things picked up after that. Where’s Justin?”

“Taking a bath,” JC said. Lance was standing there, one hand on the half-open door, about to leave.

Chris took a deep breath and said, in a rush, “Kevin fucked me, it was the highlight of my post-Brian sex life, he even went down on me, and there was nothing bizarre or kinky, it was just normal, mind-blowing sex. It’s been such a long time oh my god.” Chris’s tone changed dramatically, his eyes stopping on a point behind JC.

JC didn’t want to turn around.

“Justin,” Lance said, pushing the door shut and stepping forward.

JC forced himself to turn and look just as Justin made a sound of animal rage. “You motherfucking asshole!” Justin shouted, and rushed Chris, dripping wet and wearing only a half-tucked towel. “You traitor!” Lance intervened, trying to fend Justin off; JC stepped in from behind, trying to pull Justin back, hands slipping on Justin’s damp skin. “I hate you!” Justin screamed, “I hate you! I hate you!”

“Justin, stop it,” JC said, trying to drag him away. Justin’s towel was in serious danger of hitting the floor. “Justin!”

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have,” Chris said, “I know you love him, but if you knew what Brian’s putting me through, what he’s doing to me, last night was-”

“I hate you! I hate you! You don’t fucking touch him!” With Lance’s help, JC got Justin a few feet away from Chris and kept him there, but they couldn’t get him to stop yelling. “I hate you! You fucking traitor! You motherfucking asshole, how could you fucking do this to me, I fucking hate you!”

“I haven’t even told all of you everything,” Chris said. “You guys get laid all of the time, nonstop, there’s a revolving door on your bedrooms. I try not to brag about this, but I haven’t even had sex in so long, I forgot how good it can be. I try, sometimes I get close, but I can’t even stay hard anymore. Last night was the first night in a long time that I actually got some. I’m sorry it was with Kevin, I’m sorry about that, but I finally got laid! It’s hard to say no to that.”

“Dude,” JC said. “How long has it been?”

“I’m not going to say it out loud,” Chris said, shifting, crossing his arms over his chest, uncrossing them again.

“He’s fucking Kevin! My Kevin!” Justin yelled. “I love him! Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?!”

Lance resecured Justin’s towel around his waist. “Why Kevin?” he asked Chris.

“He can’t have him!” Justin shouted. “He can’t fucking touch him! I need him. I’ve done everything for him!”

“I think it’s the cheekbones,” Chris said. He began to tug on the hem of his shirt. “The jaw. He’s Brian’s cousin, he’s Brian’s best friend, they work together and tour together and all of it. He let me inside Brian’s house. Kevin was my link to Brian, and nothing else even occurred to me. I’m sorry, Justin, it was selfishness and stupidity, but I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

“I hate you!” Justin shouted with real pain.

“We knew this was going to happen,” JC said, keeping one hand on Justin’s arm. “We have to keep our perspective on this. We’re not going after each other’s boyfriends. We’re not stealing each other’s former lovers. Justin, Chris doesn’t feel anything for Kevin like you do, and Kevin doesn’t care about Chris. It’s not about love.” Although speaking generally, he turned his gaze directly to Lance. “I don’t love Howie, I don’t even like Howie anymore, so whatever he and I do together, it’s no threat to what he has with Lance. It’s about Erik, it’s about the mission we’re on. This isn’t Chris’s fault. It’s not his fault,” JC repeated, looking firmly into Justin’s eyes. “It’s not his fault.”

“Which is why I can’t kill Lance,” Chris said, twisting his shirt in his hands without seeming to be aware of it. “I’d like to, but he’s my best friend, and it’s not his fault. We’re all in the same position, all five of us. We’ve all been used, hurt, manipulated, and betrayed. We’re all struggling to keep our heads above water right now. I’ve been so confused lately, and in so much pain, the fact that I finally found something that doesn’t hurt… I jumped at the chance to feel a little pleasure again. That doesn’t make it right, it’s not an excuse, I’m still an evil bastard.”

“Does Kevin like you?” JC asked. Justin pulled away from JC, hugging himself, rubbing his arms, muttering to himself, pacing, agitated.

“No,” Chris said. “Not that I’m aware of. It’s possible that he’s learning how to pretend to tolerate me, though, so, good news there.”

“Howie doesn’t even respect me,” JC said. “I don’t like Howie. You don’t like AJ. Joey hates Nick. No one’s falling in love, we all can barely stand each other. Our new partners are nothing like our old partners. We’re no threat to each other. But things are going to get sexual. That’s what this is about. We have to understand that, and expect it. It’s hard for me to see Joey with Nick, it hurts, I hate it, but I can’t do anything about it. And I know that Lance seeing me with Howie is just as bad.”

“JC’s right. We have to stick together,” Lance said, giving JC a look of apology, agreement, understanding. “We have to support each other. We’re the only people who understand what we’re going through.”

“We have to come out on the other side of this together,” JC said. “Just like we walked into it. Maybe stronger. Maybe closer.”

“What happened?” Chris asked.

“What?” JC asked.

“To Justin.”

“I’m not sure,” JC said. “Something happened with Kevin, I think right before he got here. The bruises are from AJ.”

“So we kill AJ,” Chris said.

“We’re calling a meeting,” JC said. “Our meeting, our terms. All ten of us. They’ve been way out of line. When we all agreed to do this, it was as partners, working together. They can’t keep springing new shit on us, and they absolutely can’t lay their hands on us.”

“Tomorrow?” Lance suggested.

“After lunch,” JC said.

“Two o’clock, my house,” Lance said. “I’ll call around.”

JC nodded.

“I fucking hate this,” Justin said, and walked away, to JC’s bedroom.

Chris shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Feeling like shit now.”

Trevor bounced on the balls of his feet, psyching himself up. He’d already memorized Kevin’s number. All he had to do was dial.

He couldn’t do it. Kevin was too big! What was he supposed to say?

But Kevin wanted him to call. Kevin had given him the number. Kevin had said, “Why don’t you call me.” He was supposed to call!

Shouting out loud to burn off his nervous energy, Trevor dialed. Shutting up, he put the phone to his ear, tense, alert. Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Hello?”

That voice! Trevor crashed back onto his bed, bouncing on the mattress a little. “Hi. This is,” he temporarily blanked out, “Trevor.” Trevor! Right. Trevor. Okay. He was grooving now.

“Did you talk to Chris?”

“Yes,” Trevor said. He tried to think of where to start. He didn’t want to ramble and trip over his words. He should have planned this better.

“I have somewhere to be right now,” Kevin said. “Can we meet up tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Trevor said immediately, sitting bolt upright.

“I’ll be at the Heneche Center tomorrow morning around ten. If you stop by, we can talk.”

Heneche Center. He knew where that was. Vaguely. But he could find out. “Ten,” he repeated.

“Great,” Kevin said. “Thanks for everything, Trevor. I knew you were the right one to come to for this. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye,” Trevor said, unable to think of anything better. Oh, god. Closing his eyes, he slid down off of the foot of the bed onto the floor in a puddle of Trevor goo. He’d just called Kevin. They were going to meet tomorrow! He was doing Kevin a favor. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

Justin had dressed and was sitting on JC’s bed, knees up, head down, hands curled around his crossed ankles, whispering to himself. “It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault.” JC, Lance, and Chris filed in, JC sitting beside him. Falling silent, Justin raised his head and looked at Chris. The pain in his eyes ran so deep, Chris felt like he was looking into a mirror. That wasn’t good.

“What was it like?” Justin asked. “What did he do?”

“You don’t want to know that,” JC said.

“Yes, I do,” Justin said. “How many times?”

“He, there was, well, oral sex first, and then he fucked me,” Chris said, tugging at the hem of his shirt again. “Then we were done.”

“Did he kiss you, after?” Justin asked.

“Yeah, but just a little one, to be polite,” Chris said. “It was sort of a hey, thanks for letting me come in your ass, kind of kiss.”

Justin stared at Chris’s mouth. He licked his own lips, slowly, still gazing. “Did you go down on him?”

“No,” Chris said, picking at a thread on Lance’s sleeve. “I probably wasn’t a very good sex partner last night. I was so shocked it was actually happening, I didn’t do much to respond. He was great, at everything. Great control. Great technique. He was, you want details?”

“Yes,” Justin said.

“Not really,” Lance said.

“His, yeah, his dick is actually a little longer than Brian’s. Not that Brian’s is short, no, it’s perfect, it’s the epitome of dickhood, but Kevin’s is a little longer. When Kevin went in, he went really slowly, and when he got to the place Brian usually is, he stopped. And that’s where he fucked me to. It was great, I had a great time, did I mention he has incredible control? But then when I came, he said, ‘Hold on,’ and I’m thinking, for what? And then he went all the way in, and things got really intense, and I was like, wow. That’s some good stuff, right there.”

Justin wasn’t satisfied. “What did he smell like?”

“Uh...” Chris tried to remember. “I don’t know, kind of... Clean, like soap, but crisper, like... Not spicy, but... Like cedar, like a forest, maybe.”

“What did-”

“Justin,” JC said. “Come on, don’t, this isn’t making you feel any better.”

“I want to know what happened. I want to know what it’s like for someone else. Kevin’s the best lover I’ve ever had,” Justin said. “I don’t-”

“You still think you’re straight, and Kevin’s the best lover you’ve ever had?” Lance asked.

“Nick’s the best lover I’ve ever had,” JC said.

“Howie’s the best I’ve ever had,” Lance admitted.

“Joey thinks AJ’s the best he’s had, but I hate it,” Justin said. “He might not be trying very hard with me, though. I don’t try with him, either. I just wait for him to finish.”

“I wonder if the five of them took some kind of sex seminar,” Chris said. “I wonder where I can sign up for it.”

“They probably practice on each other,” Lance said.

“Don’t go there,” Justin said.

“Maybe they do,” JC said. “It’s possible.”

“It’s likely,” Lance said.

“If they’re… That’s like incest,” Justin said.

“Wait,” JC said. “That actually is incest.”

“Okay, gross,” Justin said.

“I wonder which one of them is best,” Lance said.

“Kevin,” Justin said.

“Nick,” JC said. He hesitated. “Chris… How good is Brian?”

“Now, keep in mind that I’m desperately in love with him, so I might be a little biased,” Chris said.

“A little,” Lance said.

“You’re saying you really think they have sex together?” Justin asked.

“Their tour is a traveling orgy,” Lance said.

“Brian’s the best lover on the planet, and let me tell you why.”

Justin rolled his eyes.

“He knows exactly what you need,” Chris said. “Fun, playful sex. Slow, romantic sex. Long, teasing, seductive sex. Hard, rough sex. He always knows exactly what you’re in the mood for. It’s never the same twice. That’s kind of Brian in a nutshell.”

“Do you think we’re the only people they do this to?” Justin asked.

“Do what to?” JC asked.

“Play with,” Justin said. “Have competitions over. They could have dozens, hundreds, of devastated former lovers just like us. We think we’re special, but we could just be faces in the crowd to them.”

“If, if that’s true…” JC hesitated. “I still think we’re special.”

“Why?” Justin asked.

“Because they’ve never hated anyone as much as they hate us,” Lance said.

Justin lowered his head. “As much as they hate me,” he corrected Lance quietly.

“It’s not all you,” JC said. “It can’t be.”

“They were playing with the rest of you,” Justin said, raising his head, pain burning in his eyes. “It was a game. Kevin hates me. He wasn’t out to destroy me for his own pleasure, he was out to make me suffer, from hatred that goes all the way through his heart and down to his soul. Kevin hates me as much as I love him, and I love him so much it consumes me, it owns me, it’s becoming all that I am.”

“Hey, come in,” AJ said, opening the door for Kevin. “What brings you around here?” Kevin entered; AJ closed his front door and turned to face Kevin in the foyer. He could see that Kevin was looking angry; he settled within himself, preparing for a confrontation. He didn’t know what Kevin was angry about, but Kevin was radiating direct aggression at him, not general irritation.

“You can push Justin around, put him in his place, bruise his skin,” Kevin said. “I have no problem with that. But I don’t ever want to see a bruise on his face.”

“That’s between me and Justin,” AJ said.

“Justin is mine,” Kevin said. “Anyone doing anything I don’t like, answers to me.”

“Right now, he’s mine, too,” AJ said. “You’re going to have to learn to share.”

“You’re going to have to learn to keep your hands to yourself,” Kevin said. “Don’t you ever mark his face again!”

Volume escalation. AJ could handle that; he could match Kevin yell for yell. “That’s pretty fucking funny coming from someone who bites him until he bleeds! It’s pretty fucking hilarious coming from someone who scars him!”

“That’s none of your fucking business!” Kevin shouted. “I’m not leaving here until you tell me you’re not going to mark his face again!”

“Then you’re going to be here for a long time!” AJ shouted. “I’m not your fucking bitch, Kevin, I don’t have to fucking obey you! You don’t talk to me the way you talk to him!” He couldn’t believe Kevin’s double standard. What was so precious about Justin’s face? Maybe Kevin was just pissed that someone else was playing with his toys. Control freaks didn’t like to share. AJ got that. “Look, it’s not going to happen again, anyway. We worked out a new arrangement. If I do mark him up again, it won’t be on his face. So this argument is pretty fucking pointless.”

He waited, watching Kevin’s face. Kevin stayed mad, anger intense in his eyes, while AJ mentally ticked off the seconds. Then Kevin inhaled slowly, and relaxed, exhaling, releasing his anger, letting it fade. “Okay,” Kevin said. “Good.”

“Good,” AJ said.

“Have you talked to him tonight?”

“No,” AJ said. “I take it you saw him?”

“Yeah. He might be a bit of a mess tomorrow.”

That was fine with AJ. “That might help me out for when he talks to Dan.” AJ’s phone rang. “Hold on,” he said, finding his phone on a nearby table. “Lance,” he said, checking the caller ID. “Hello.” He listened. He frowned. He made a jacking off motion. “I’ll try to make it,” he said, and hung up. “They want to have a meeting, us and them, at Lance’s house. Two o’clock tomorrow.”

“About what?” Kevin asked.

“He spouted off some bullshit about equality and cooperation,” AJ said. “They probably don’t like me hitting Timberlake.”

“He said he hit you back,” Kevin said. “You look fine.”

“He doesn’t hit hard,” AJ said. “I’m not going to let that little bitch damage this kind of beauty.”

Kevin smiled. “Are you going to their meeting?”

“Probably, for the hell of it,” AJ said. “You?”

“I’m sure Brian’s going to go, so I’ll have to be there, for damage control with Chris. It could be interesting to find out whether Justin knows I’ve started fucking Chris.”

“You fucked Chris?” AJ asked. Damn. “How bad was it?”

Kevin closed his eyes, clearly suppressing a grimace of distaste. “He made that sound,” Kevin said.

“Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh?” AJ asked.

“At least he wasn’t pushy or demanding, and he had the sense to seem impressed, but I’ve never wanted to fuck someone less. At least Justin has a decent body.”

“Justin lays there like a dead fish,” AJ said.

“That’s because he doesn’t want you,” Kevin said.

AJ didn’t particularly want Justin, either. “You had to kiss Chris?”

“He licked my face,” Kevin said.

“Why the hell-” AJ made the connection. “You look like Brian.”

“Since Brian is Chris’s only turn-on, it works in my favor,” Kevin said.

“What’s going to happen when Justin finds out you’re fucking Chris?” AJ asked.

“He won’t like it,” Kevin said. Understatement. “It might make things interesting.”

AJ grinned. He liked it when things were…interesting.

“Are you going to be okay?” Lance asked Justin.

“Yeah,” Justin said. He forced a small, reassuring smile. “I’m staying with JC tonight. I’ll be okay.”

“Okay,” Lance said. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” He gave Justin a comforting hug, gave JC a “still friends” smile, and left.

Chris was lingering. Justin shifted his weight. JC tactfully murmured something and gave them a moment alone.

Justin studied the floor around Chris’s feet. “Are you going to do it again?”

“I hate to say it, but your friendship is more important to me than my sex life,” Chris said.

“I.” Justin squeezed his eyes shut. “I want Kevin to be happy,” he said, opening his eyes again. “I want him to have whatever he wants. If I can’t give him what he wants, maybe you can.”

“He doesn’t even like me,” Chris said, not wanting Justin to think that Chris was replacing him in Kevin’s life.

“I know that Brian’s made you miserable. I know it’s hard for you to be happy without him, especially right now. If Kevin can do that for you, then I think you should,” Justin forced the words out, “go for it.”

Chris knew how hard it was for Justin to say that. “It was just one night. It probably won’t even come up again.”

“I don’t want you to stop because of me,” Justin said. “I can’t have what I want. That doesn’t mean no one else should.”

Chris would give up a million orgasms with Kevin for one kiss from Brian. He didn’t want to take Kevin away from Justin; the idea of it was ludicrous. But Brian wasn’t offering sex, and Kevin was.

Chris knew that Justin was serious. Justin wasn’t saying these things to be nice; Justin wanted Kevin to have his every heart’s desire, and if Kevin wanted Chris on a whim, Justin wanted Kevin to have Chris.

And Justin knew, maybe as well as Chris did, what it was like to suffer at someone else’s hands. If Justin had a haven, a sexual respite, he’d use it. Chris had found one, and Justin didn’t want to deny him that.

But Chris didn’t want to hurt Justin, and every time he touched Kevin, he was doing just that.

Maybe Justin would feel remotely better if he could find a link to Kevin, the way Chris was using Kevin as a link to Brian.

But even that was only a slight and temporary balm. Nothing could touch Chris’s true pain.

Jacob was sitting up in bed, in his underwear, in the glow of the bedside lamp. He was on the phone, talking to Brian about the books he’d had to read in high school.

Brian was in the tub. He’d told Jacob so, and every few minutes, Jacob could hear the quiet sloshing of water. At first Jacob had thought nothing of it. Then, his mind started to wander. Brian was in the tub. Brian was naked, and wet.

He told himself that it didn’t matter. That he was being immature. That he should stop picturing Brian in the tub, because he didn’t know what Brian looked like naked or wet.

His brain helpfully supplied images from that damned “Quit Playing Games” video. That was one of the lamest videos he’d ever seen, and he was pissed that he remembered it. He seemed to remember it very well, too, because he could conjure up a clear image of Brian, water streaming down, eyes intense…

He had to stop this. He’d wanted guys before, but he’d made his decision long ago. To get to where he wanted to be in life, he was going to have to be straight. To be respected as the kind of musician he wanted to be, he had to be straight. He’d had a few offers and propositions in high school, and even more since joining the band, but he always turned them down. Guys were off-limits to him, and he was off-limits to them.

There had been absolutely no indication that Brian was interested in him. That whole thing with Lance had probably been a one-time deal. Since Brian was straight, and Jacob was straight, there was no reason to start fantasizing about joining Brian in that tub.

JC had put Justin in his bed with him, because he didn’t want Justin to be alone. After falling into an uneasy sleep, Justin had wakened screaming in such horror JC had almost screamed right back. Neither one of them had wanted to go through that again, so they’d turned on the lamp and were talking quietly.

The sight of bruises on Justin’s face was disturbing. What was just as disturbing was that Justin didn’t even seem to care about that; Justin was ripped apart over Kevin. He wasn’t giving out any real information, but obviously he’d been devastated by something that Kevin had done to him. He’d said a few things about Kevin not wanting him anymore, not having Kevin anymore, and JC hoped that it was true. Kevin had done his best to destroy the true Justin and put a hurt, desperate, broken puppet in his place. Justin had finally begun to grow into himself again, and JC hated seeing him back under Kevin’s spell of drama and trauma.

JC hadn’t done his part to help Justin, or any of the others, before. The last time they’d gone through this, he’d been too wrapped up in Nick to take a real look at what was happening to Justin, to Chris, to Lance and Joey. This time, things were different. They all knew what was going on, they weren’t getting dragged under again, they were staying sharp, being aware. He was going to be a real friend this time.

Calling a meeting, bringing everyone in, would serve to clear up a few things. They were supposed to be partnering up against a common enemy, not being sucked into round two of the previous games. That was over, as much as it would ever be over, and they weren’t going to put up with more of this bullshit. Justin had bruises on his face. If that wasn’t a reason to call an end to this partnership, what was?

JC loved Justin, and told him so, holding him close and wondering how Justin could say he was in love with someone who abused him. “We’re here for you, we all are,” JC promised, giving Justin a warm, supportive squeeze. “We just want you to be happy. I know you’ll be okay. We dropped the ball last time, we all did, but it’ll be different this time. It’ll be different. You’ll be okay, Justin. You’ll be okay.”

The sun was coming up. Chris still didn’t want to go to bed. He was sure Justin wasn’t resting peacefully, so why should he?

He’d had sex with Kevin. Twenty-four hours ago, he’d been in Kevin’s bed.

Clearly, a betrayal of his best friend.

But also a minor victory for himself. Brian had so completely overhauled his psyche that his entire view of sexuality, including his needs, his triggers, and his body’s responses, had been restructured. After Brian had abandoned him, he’d searched desperately for any release, any reminder of Brian. Since he couldn’t have Brian, he’d turned to men, thinking that at least sex with a man would be some comfort.

He’d never had sex with a man before Brian; he’d never even looked at a man before Brian. Trying to be with men after Brian, he’d been disappointed, disgusted; they weren’t Brian at all, they were nothing like Brian, they didn’t have the right eyes, the right voice, the right touch. Even if he closed his eyes and got them to shut up, their bodies were all wrong, and their moves were all wrong, and he’d be too heartbroken to go on.

Getting absolutely nowhere with men, disappointed and rejected and ashamed, he’d gone back to women. The sad fact was, they were no better. They were even less like Brian than the men were. At least men had more similar shapes, more similar parts. Women were everything he’d wanted before, but his life before Brian and his life after Brian were so different, he barely remembered the way things once had been.

He tried, with decreasing energy, to make something happen, with anyone from either sex. But his heart wasn’t in it, and his body failed him. Finally, he’d faced the truth. Women were beautiful creatures he didn’t want. Men were potential reminders of Brian he didn’t want. Brian was all he wanted, what the entire landscape of his mind, body, heart, soul, sexuality, and chemistry had been razed and built anew to desire. Brian was his everything, his life, his world, his universe. And he was destined to live the rest of his life without Brian. Without sex. Without love.

Last night, Kevin had changed that.

Chris loved Justin, but Chris was weak.

Too weak to deny himself this glimmer of hope.

When AJ showed up at Justin’s house the next morning, Justin answered the door looking terrible. “Did you sleep?” AJ asked, walking in.

“I just got home an hour ago,” Justin said, rubbing his hand over his hair. “What do you want?”

The bracelet on Justin’s wrist snagged on something in AJ’s memory. He let his mind roam around for a second, and then he hit it. “That’s Kevin’s bracelet.”

“I know,” Justin said.

“Does he know you have it?” AJ asked.

“He gave it to me,” Justin said, cupping his wrist in his other hand protectively against his chest.

AJ narrowed his eyes. “Where did you get that shirt?”

“From Kevin,” Justin said.

“You stole it,” AJ said.

“I borrowed it,” Justin said defensively.

“Those earrings? They’re Kevin’s?”

“Yes,” Justin said.

“That ring?”

“Yes.”

Suspicious, AJ leaned in and sniffed. Justin smelled like… “Kevin’s cologne?”

“Yes,” Justin said, stepping back.

“Anything else?” AJ asked. “What are you wearing that you actually own?”

“My jeans,” Justin said.

“And your underwear,” AJ said.

“It’s Kevin’s,” Justin said.

“You’re wearing his underwear?” AJ asked. Justin was one sick little bitch. “Are you unhinged?”

“I’ll be close to him any way I can,” Justin said.

“I need you to see Dan today,” AJ said. “Are you stable enough to go?”

“I’m not crazy,” Justin said.

“You’re wearing someone else’s underwear,” AJ said. “How much of this did he actually give to you?”

“The bracelet,” Justin said.

“You stole the rest of that?”

“I needed it,” Justin said.

“And you’re not crazy?” AJ asked.

“I needed it,” Justin snapped. “Fuck off.”

“I want to fuck you before you go,” AJ said. “Are you going to freak out on me?”

Justin eyed AJ warily. “I’ll have to change.”

AJ needed to talk to Kevin again. Justin was disturbed.

“Okay,” Justin said. He started walking towards the bedroom; AJ followed him.

Justin stripped naked, piling all of Kevin’s things together on a chair. Then he lay down on the bed and waited. AJ undressed and got on top of him. When AJ kissed him, Justin made no attempt to kiss back; he didn’t seem invested in what was happening. When AJ fucked him, he turned his head to the side and stared vaguely at nothing, and not only did he not come, he only got half-hard. AJ came on him and got up.

Justin went to the bathroom to wash up, put on his own clothes, got his instructions, and left.

AJ called Kevin immediately.

“Hello,” Kevin said.

“What did you do to Timberlake?” AJ asked. “He’s spaced out, he’s irrational, it’s like fucking a coma patient, what did you do to him?”

“What’s he saying?” Kevin asked.

“It’s more what he’s doing,” AJ said. “He’s wearing the clothes he stole from you, he’s even wearing your underwear, and he says he’s not crazy. I don’t think he even cared whether I fucked him or not, except it meant he had to take off your shit.”

“He didn’t care one way or the other?” Kevin asked.

“Kevin,” AJ said. “Don’t quote me on this yet, but I think you broke him.”

Continue on to part twelve...

Is Justin crazy? Is Kevin evil? Is the inter-group meeting going to go well? Is JC a good friend? What did Brian cook for Lance? Do you have a sign-up sheet for the Backstreet Boys sex seminar? Because if you do, I'd like to sign up.

matthew@matthewtime.com
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