Vanessa
Copyright August 30, 2004 by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Rating: PG
Pairing: Nick Lachey/Jeff Timmons
Disclaimer: The young men who comprise 98 Degrees are their own people. The author has not met anyone here described, nor does the author mean to suggest that these people act this way in real life. This writing is a work of fiction. I make no money from this venture.
Dedication: This story is for Lady Evangeline. And for the other Nick.
Notes: In real life, now that Nick is doing the solo thing, he spends a lot of time travelling. He seems to take Drew with him everywhere he goes. I, of course, am in favor of that. But whenever Drew's not there, and Nick's on his own, it makes me wonder. He's used to having Drew and Jeff and Justin with him. It has to be different, travelling alone. It looks incredibly lonely. I like to fix everything, so here, I've fixed it. Read.
Then why, now, suddenly, was it hard? Not difficult, just…unpleasant.
He didn’t enjoy it the way he had before.
It wasn’t the same.
It was still great, though. He loved music. He loved singing, performing, getting out there, the crowds, the fans, the work, the challenge.
But he felt…lonely.
He was used to having people around. He’d had the other guys, before. It was impossible to feel lonely, surrounded by other people all day and all night. They’d been constant company. Even when he’d wanted to be alone for a while, it had been impossible to get away from them.
Now that he had alone time, well… It wasn’t like he’d thought it would be.
He knew what his problem was. He was just feeling restless because Drew wasn’t around. He was used to having Drew travel with him lately, and this time Drew had stayed home.
He wondered what Drew was doing.
He called.
“Hey,” Drew said, a familiar voice.
Nick leaned back in his seat, watching through the window as a car passed by. “What are you doing, anyway?”
“Drowning,” Drew said. “I’m soaking wet and my life is unpleasant. What about you?”
“You should have come with me.”
“Yeah, and then I’d get home and my entire roof would be caved in, and then I’d have to move in with you, and I’m never living with you again. I’ve done it before, and it’s not an experience worth repeating. I’d rather stand here in the rain while I pay an exorbitant fee to get my roof fixed on a Sunday in a rainstorm. What the hell is that guy doing?”
“What, you have to be there to supervise?”
“It’s my roof,” Drew said.
Nick sighed, watching signs go by. Speed limit. Food and gas up ahead.
“What’s wrong with you?” Drew asked.
“Nothing’s wrong with me.”
“Yeah,” Drew said.
Nick sighed again, irritated. “I’ve been in this car forever.”
“You left two hours ago.”
“I’m bored.”
“You’ve travelled before. What did we used to do when we got bored?”
“I’m not playing rock, scissors, paper with myself.” They’d used to do a lot of things. The four of them had developed several elaborate, pointless games, like Zipper, Fritz, and Southern California Radical Jerkface. They’d spent hours talking, telling stories, making plans, spinning dreams. They’d mapped out which superheroes they’d each be, which women they were going to charm into bed, which movie stars would play them in the story of their lives. They’d compared tattoos and thumb-wrestled and swapped lies. And they’d spent hours singing. Harmonizing.
He couldn’t harmonize with himself.
“This guy’s about to make the hole in my roof larger, and I don’t think that’s my goal,” Drew said. “I’m going to have to go. Do me a favor.”
“Yeah?” Nick asked, disappointed, distracted.
“Call. Him. Dumbass.” Drew hung up.
Nick hung up, disgusted. Drew had no idea. Drew didn’t understand anything, not any of it. Besides, it wasn’t like he could just call. Even if he wanted to. Which he didn’t.
He just didn’t.
Not that Drew didn’t understand.
Drew generally understood him when no one else did. But this time,
Drew just didn’t get it.
He’d tried Drew again, but Drew had said something about “lake in my damned living room” and “just fucking call him” and hung up.
Justin. He’d call Justin. Justin understood road boredom. Justin tolerated it better than most people, too. Nick couldn’t stand it in general, but coupled with loneliness, it was downright intolerable. He was going to go out of his fucking mind.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Justin.”
“Hey,” Justin said. Nick relaxed a little, just hearing his voice. “Where are you?”
“Somewhere between L.A. and Phoenix. Where are you?”
“At the deli counter. Drew said you’d be calling.”
“You talked to Drew?”
“Fifteen minutes ago. You called within twenty minutes. I owe him ten bucks.”
Nick couldn’t believe Drew had called Justin. “He doesn’t have time to talk to me, but he has time to call you to predict my next move?”
“He wanted me to give you a message.”
Nick glared at an exit sign. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“I believe his exact words were, ‘Call him, dumbass.’”
“I don’t want to call him,” Nick said. “I don’t want to - - I don’t want to talk to him!”
“He doesn’t want to talk to you, either.”
Justin was talking to him. Of course Justin was talking to him. Drew probably was, too. Of course Drew was, too. Everyone was except him. That was fine. That was just the way things were. Things were different, things had changed, everyone had a new life to lead. “Deli counter?”
“Not quite the thrill that the produce section was, but I’m doing my best,” Justin said.
“You should come for a visit.”
“It’s that time of the month again, is it?”
Why were all of his friends this fucking irritating? “You keep it up you’re paying for your own ticket.”
“You give me a call later, let me know when you’ll be home. I’ll fly in.”
“Why can’t we talk about it now?”
“I don’t want to tie up your phone. You might have some important calls to make.”
“Just-”
“This wasn’t the hey how ya doin’ call, or the what are you up to call, or the let’s shoot the bull call. This was the desperation call, and we all know what that’s about.”
Jesus! “It’s not a fucking-”
“Call him, dumbass.” Justin hung up.
Fuck it! God. What the hell was wrong with everybody? He was bored, he was lonely, he had nothing to do and no one to do it with, and all he was trying to do was call a few friends to pass the time, and, Jesus!
Drew didn’t get it. Justin didn’t get it. God, if anybody had a clue, it should be one of them, but they were just so damned, so damned - - it wasn’t like he didn’t want to call sometimes, it wasn’t like he didn’t care. It wasn’t like - - they’d been together for years, they’d made four albums together, they’d been friends, they’d been partners, they’d - - it wasn’t like all of the feeling was cut off just because the partnership was gone. It was like getting a divorce. There was still a lot of history there, a lot of shared past, a lot of things they’d created together and gone through together. Maybe they weren’t friends anymore, but that didn’t erase everything they’d done.
If anybody would understand that, Jeff would.
Nick leaned back, closing
his eyes.
Fuck it, forget it, he was calling. Maybe that would get Drew and Justin off his damned back.
He probably didn’t even have the right number.
“Hello.”
“Hi,” Nick said.
Silence.
“It’s me.”
Silence. Then, “Yeah. Hi.”
He didn’t know what to say. The sound of Jeff’s voice was bringing back really, really good memories and really, really bad memories and really, really strong memories, like the blue of Jeff’s eyes and the ten different ways Jeff smiled and the way Jeff looked when he hit high notes and the way, god, Nick closed his eyes. He couldn’t take this.
“Did you want something?”
Jeff sounded distant, not exactly cold but as far from warm as it was possible to get. But it was Jeff, and he hadn’t talked to Jeff in so long he’d forgotten how, and it came out in a mindless blurt, “I feel small.”
Silence.
Fuck. He hadn’t-
“According to this e-mail I keep getting, they have operations to take care of that,” Jeff said. “Implants. Maybe even pills.”
“I’m not talking about that,” Nick snapped, feeling stupid, getting defensive. This could be going worse, but he couldn’t think of how. “I meant…”
More silence.
He could picture Jeff on the other end of the call. That look in his eyes, that set of his jaw, like he was this close to getting actually angry but wasn’t quite there. He probably had one hand balled into a fist. Jeff was just waiting for an excuse to hang up. It was a miracle the call had lasted this long. “I feel small. I’m used to being part of something bigger than myself. I’m used to feeling like part of a unit. Now it’s just me. Just me, all of the time. In interviews, at signings, onstage… I’m on the road by myself.”
A pause. Cool disbelief. “Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?”
“I didn’t say that,” Nick snapped. Damn it, why did Jeff have to-
“You wanted this,” Jeff said. “You wanted to do it by yourself. You got what you wanted, Nick.”
“You left!” Nick shouted, sitting forward angrily. “You walked out-”
“It was over!” Jeff shouted back. “You were finished with us! You were done with us, you were moving on, I wasn’t going to sit around and wait for you to kick me out! You weren’t happy anymore, it wasn’t enough for you, you wanted to be the big man-”
“Kick you out!” Nick repeated. He couldn’t fucking believe-
“You couldn’t share the fucking limelight! You wanted to be the center of attention! It wasn’t enough for you anymore! You wanted to be alone up there, the focus of it all. You got what you wanted, Nick! Congratulations!”
“I didn’t do this by myself,” Nick said, his voice coming fast and harsh. “You all wanted it, we all decided, it was a group decision. You can’t put this all on me.”
“You couldn’t get away from us fast enough,” Jeff said. “You wanted to get as far away as you could. I’m surprised you’re even still talking to Justin.”
“Justin’s my best friend!”
Silence.
Fuck. “I didn’t…”
“What the fuck does that make me?” Jeff asked too calmly, too quietly, a challenge.
“I don’t…” Nick rubbed his forehead, groaning. God, this was getting worse and worse. He hadn’t thought it could get worse than before, but this, this topped that.
“You colored in your tattoo, Nick. Did you think I wouldn’t see it? Did you think I wouldn’t know?”
“It’s not…” He didn’t have anything to say. He really didn’t.
“You couldn’t get far enough, fast enough.”
It was like being condemned or something. “It was a group decision,” he said, grasping at that like a fucking lifeline. “We all decided-”
“Drew would have stayed in it for the next twenty years if we’d asked him to,” Jeff said. “So would Justin.”
“What about you?” Nick asked. “You’re doing your own thing, putting out your own album, making your own music.”
“That’s what I do,” Jeff said. “That’s all I know.”
Nick closed his eyes.
Silence.
Nick didn’t hang up, simply because ending the call would be worse than staying in it.
“What made you call?” Jeff asked. He sounded almost normal.
“Justin,” Nick said. “And Drew. They’ve been harassing me.”
“Yeah,” Jeff said. “They’ve told me to call you, too. I wasn’t…in the mood.”
Nick almost laughed.
“How are you doing?” Jeff asked. “Where are you?”
“I’m on the road,” Nick said. “I’m about to get into Phoenix. An appearance, some parade, something, a radio interview. Nothing serious.”
“It’s more than I’m doing,” Jeff said.
God. Like he’d needed that smack in the face.
“I didn’t think that at thirty, the best years of my life would be behind me,” Jeff said.
“They don’t have to be,” Nick said. It sounded trite the second it left his mouth. What did he really think he was saying? His big solo career wasn’t as big as it was supposed to be. Jeff’s was even more of a non-event than his was. How could he deny what Jeff was saying? What did he really have to offer for the future?
“I believe in what I’m doing,” Jeff said. “When I’m forty, fifty, sixty, whatever I’m doing then, I’ll believe in that, too.”
Yeah, that was Jeff, all over. Jeff always believed in what he was doing. That had been the thing about 98 Degrees. There were four of them, to balance each other out. Whenever Nick hadn’t been sure of what their direction was, whenever he’d been uncertain or unsure, Jeff had been right there. Either Jeff had given him the answers, or they’d figured them out together. Figuring them out together, those had been the best times. Everything had been a group effort, a collaboration. Life had been a partnership. Himself, his brother Drew, his best friend Justin, and his partner Jeff.
“It’s rough, though,” Jeff said. “Getting other people to believe, too.”
“I know what that’s like.”
“You’re at least halfway recognizable on your own, after getting all of that front man face time,” Jeff said. “I’m that back-up singer from 98 Degrees. Like it wasn’t my damned group.”
“It was my damned group,” Nick said, since that was the way this argument always went.
“It was our damned group,” Jeff said.
That wasn’t the next line, but Nick liked it. He smiled. “Our pretty damned good group.”
“I thought so,” Jeff said. He was smiling, despite himself. Nick could hear it.
“I think I’m in Phoenix,” he said. “I should probably get ready for the parade, or whatever it is.”
“Yeah,” Jeff said. Already pulling away from him.
“Justin’s going to be visiting soon. You should come.”
“I don’t know,” Jeff said. “I do have some things going on…”
“Clear a few days out,” Nick said.
“Maybe you should clear a few days and come to see me,” Jeff said.
Nick grinned. “I can do that.”
Hesitation. “You’re serious?”
“Yeah, I’m serious.” If he closed his eyes, he could see that old light flickering in Jeff’s eyes, the one that went with that uncertain tremor just underneath Jeff’s question. That old, unsure, don’t do this to me Nick, flicker. The flicker he’d thought, been sure, he’d killed. It was back, it was back, he knew it was back and he knew what it meant now. “I don’t know if we should invite Justin, though. Maybe it should be just you and me. Until we get everything straightened out.”
Silence.
He’d pushed too far. Damn it. He’d pushed too soon. He’d heard the tremor when it hadn’t been there. Jeff didn’t want to see him.
“Are you really going to do this to me?” Jeff asked, breaking the silence. His tone was disbelieving, almost conversational. “You’re really going to call me out of nowhere, make me hate you all over again, remind me of exactly why we stopped speaking in the first place, and then do that thing where you’re hitting on me but I can’t prove it? I hate that, I can’t stand it, I thought that it sucked that we stopped talking but at least I wouldn’t have to deal with that anymore, and now you’re doing it?”
Um… “So you knew?”
“Knew what, knew that you’ve been hitting on me since ’95 but I could never call you on it?”
Nick hesitated, shifting uncomfortably. “Yeah.”
“Yes, I knew. I noticed somewhere around ’98.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“That long ago?”
“Yeah. Are you trying to start that again? Because if you even think about doing that shit when you’re here in person, I’m going to call you on it.”
Nick grinned. This was an unexpected development. Jeff was officially inviting him for a visit. And semi-officially inviting him to flirt, to give Jeff an opportunity to call him on it, which would mean it would be time for him to make his move. “You want me to turn this car around?”
“No, I want you to finish your business in Phoenix,” Jeff said. “Then maybe you can come see my new place.”
“How big is it?”
“You’re using that weird, I’ve got something up my sleeve, tone of voice,” Jeff said. “That tone never means good things.”
“How many bedrooms?”
“Four,” Jeff said.
Damn.
“I’m using two for storage and one as a studio.”
Nick grinned. “That leaves one.”
“That leaves one,” Jeff agreed.
Fuck it, the car was stopping. “I’ll be there,” he mentally reviewed his schedule, “Tuesday at the latest.”
“Leave Drew at home.”
Nick grinned. “He needs to get his own life, anyway. I’ll call you as soon as this parade thing’s over.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll call you from the interview, the radio station. Anyone listening to me would want to listen to you, too.”
“Nick, you don’t have to-”
“What, we’re friends, right? I can’t call my friends?”
“Yeah,” Jeff said. His voice was giving. “We’re friends.”
“One bedroom?” Nick asked.
“One bedroom,” Jeff said.
“Tuesday at the latest.”
“Okay.”
“Probably Monday.”
“Okay.”
“Or Sunday, I can make it Sunday.”
“Nick!”
“I heard your album. I love it. I couldn’t get it out of my fucking head.”
Jeff sounded hurt, in a good way. “Nick…”
“I wanted to get away from some things,” Nick said. “I never wanted to get away from you.”
“I know,” Jeff said softly.
“I never,” Nick repeated. “I never wanted to get away from you.”
“Nick, I know.”
“Sunday.”
“Tuesday,” Jeff said.
“One bedroom.”
“One bedroom.”
“I have to go.”
Jeff laughed. “Call me later.”
“Bye,” he said, since it was all that was left, for now.
“Bye, Nick.”
Nick hung up, getting out
of the car. Standing, he smiled at the driver. “Isn’t it great
to know that the best years of your life are ahead of you?”